boat people, gay people, Miss You Mom, refugees, Special Olympics, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Vietnam
Despite the impression given by this series of tales, not every episode in my life has involved me being an asshole or looking like an idiot, but those are the stories worth telling. Nobody wants to hear about that time I got my mom flowers for no reason and really made her day.
After the sixth grade, we moved away from my hometown, and I graduated from high school in another state. After my freshman year of college, I was back in town visiting my Grandma when I happened across an old friend from grade school, Rusty.
We were talking about people we used to know, and I asked about a kid whom I’d thought of as “Wayne.”
“Who?” Rusty asked.
“Wayne,” I said again, “The kid who came over as a boat person from Vietnam.”
“Oh,” he said, “You mean Wang Jones. Yeah, he’s still around.” He then added, “He’s kind of a dick, though.” Rusty remained in the dark as to the reason for Wang’s hostility, although I soon figured it out.
“Damn, I always called him ‘Wayne,'” I said, embarrassed. “Wang probably thought I was an asshole.”
Rusty laughed. “He probably just thought you were an idiot.”
Someone certainly was. I soon got the opportunity to look at Rusty’s yearbook and check out the boy I’d accidentally ridiculed for so many years. As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, my very first discovery was that the kid’s name was in fact ‘Wayne.’
I’m always suspicious of guys who aren’t gay but who have way more chick friends than guy friends. What’s up with that? If they were having sex with the various women, I could at least understand it.
When I was a kid my mouth got me in trouble a lot. A lot a lot. But there was one time when I was about seven that I didn’t deserve it. Not that much anyway.
I was at my friend Ricky’s house, and we were watching TV. My troubles began when Ricky’s mom overheard a comment I made about a commercial. The commercial began with several silhouetted figures running up a hill. “Look at those idiots,” I said, mostly due to my then-nascent love affair with my own voice.
“SHAME ON YOU!” Ricky’s mom bellowed from seemingly out of nowhere. “Shame on you for picking on those people!”
I started to protest my innocence, and then saw with growing horror that it was a Special Olympics commercial I’d besmirched.
As if unsure that I’d grasped the enormity of my act, she said, “Those people can’t help that they were born that way! How would you like it if you were born that way?” Not waiting for me to answer, she went on, “You should thank God you weren’t. Shame on you!”
I again protested my innocence, and after a while she seemed to believe me, and the incident was forgotten.
Hours later, my mom was over visiting Ricky’s mom. As I passed through the kitchen where they were drinking coffee, my mom struck like a cobra, smacking me across the face.
“Don’t make fun of retarded people!” she said.
Sometimes it’s funny how a moment just happens. One time in college, a bunch of us dudes were drinking in a big ol’ sausage fest (all guys), when somebody said to somebody else, “Hey man, you’ve always been a good friend to me, Bob. I love you, man.”
“Bob” turned to another guy in the room, and said basically the same thing. “Joe, I don’t say this much, but you’ve always been there for me. I love you, man.”
This continued for a while, everybody in the room professing his love to another friend. Finally, it got to our friend “Steve.” As everyone else had, Steve turned to another friend and said, “Mike, you’re a good guy and I love you.”
And then, in one of those beautiful, unplanned moments where everything just seems to come together perfectly, everyone in the room pointed at Steve and yelled “FAG!”
The last one’s hilarious. *No offence to gays*
Thanks! And our intentions, of course, were not to besmirch gay people, but rather tell a story of rather good-natured cruelty.
Thanks for some great laughs. At your expense. Well, I guess the first one’s on Rusty.
It’s rather ironic that after your last funny tale of demonstrative male affection, WordPress chose to slip in an ad for FAB designs. Seemed rather apropos. 🙂
Well, I guess the first one’s on Rusty.
And poor Wang. I mean Wayne.
Thanks for the kind words. And yes, perhaps the advertising bot knows more than it’s telling!
Adrienne schmadrienne said:
Alhough offsensive to some ears, I would’ve called him a Fag too.
Thanks, Adrienne! I was a little leery of including the story for that reason, and I’ve been gratified that (so far) people seem to have taken the story the way I intended.
I think that the words “fag” and (especially) “faggot” are ugly when used as a pejorative. I don’t use them (at least in regard to gay people–see below). I’m not nuts about their “positive” use (i.e., within the community), but as an outsider, it’s not my place to have any more than an opinion. I also don’t like “queer” as a pejorative (although curiously, unlike “fag” & “faggot,” I’m not bothered by its use in the community), but mostly because I really like the word in its original connotations. There are sometimes when “weird” just won’t suffice.
Even at the time of the story, I thought “fag” was an ugly word to call gay people, but had no problems calling my friends “fags.” Although the word has largely dropped out of my vocabulary, when visiting with old friends, I do sometimes find myself calling them fags and being called fag in return.
I know a guy who calls cigarettes “fags.” Yes, I’m aware that in the United Kingdom, that’s a popular term for cigarettes (which in America, we call “Nancy Boys”). Now, I should state that this guy was born, raised and continues to live on the West Coast. His persistent use of fag to describe cigarettes is possibly the most upsetting use of the word I have ever heard. As he is completely heterosexual, is my desire to punch him in the face socially acceptable?
Adrienne schmadrienne said:
I agree with you on queer. Sometimes, weird just doesn’t do it justice.
What a douche. Does he use the word “bloody” as an intensifier?
I just couldn’t imagine your mouth getting you into trouble….almost unbelievable….hahaha
Jen and Tonic said:
OHMIGOD. That last bit made me laugh because it’s just such a typical guy scenario.