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On which inebriated Americans from all walks of life honor the nation’s birth with a variety of beloved and time-honored traditions, from bedside vigils in any of America’s many first-rate burn wards to the age old-custom of commemorating those bygone freedom-fighters by sacrificing several fingers in the memory of their valiant struggle.

“It Prolly Hurts Like A Sum’bitch, But After Thirteen Golden Nazis, I Can’t Feel A Thing. Hey, Is Someone Cookin’ Pork Rinds? DAMN, Whatever It Is Sure Smells Good!”

Kids, take it from someone who knows: the improper use of fireworks can REALLY fuck up your day. Have a super July 4th, everyone! ∞ T.