ass-whupping, Brazil, comical despots, Dear Leader, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, North Korea, Portugal, Pyongyang, Soccer, Supreme Leader, World Cup
Word came quickly from Pyongyang today in an effort to quell the persistent rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il is displeased with North Korea’s poor showing at the World Cup. The team’s first match, a respectable 2-1 loss to highly ranked Brazil, was followed by a humiliating 7-0 ass-whupping at the hands of Portugal.
Said a representative of the impoverished third-world hellhole:
The Dear Leader is very pleased with the effort of our beloved national athletes, although he is, of course, disappointed at the results. Likewise, there is no truth to the rumors that Kim has executed the atheletes’ parents, only to cook them and serve them to the defeated players upon their return.
Nor should any credence be given to the wild allegations that the water supply to atheletes’ homes has been cut off. Like everyone else in North Korea, they never had running water.
Following their disappointing performance, the players are no doubt eager to leave the chaos of the free world behind and return to a simpler life in North Korea.
The athletes will be given a hero’s welcome. Just as Promethean Times went to press, Pyongyang announced that the Dear Leader would be hosting a private banquet for the footballers upon their arrival in North Korea.