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Arkansas, California, cannabis, cat ladies, death by automobile, Detroit, dope, drunken Irishmen, drunken Native Americans, fat people, fun with stereotypes, Hamas, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Israel, lame sports, legalize it, marijuana, medical marijuana, Michigan, Miss Holocaust, News of the Duh, Nobel Peace Prize, Penn State, phony diseases, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, sweet sweet cheeba, the navy's pretty gay already, the reefer, US Navy, weed, Why am I so fat?
By Smaktakula
Who Reads This, Really? That’s An Awful Lot Of Words.
In which we’re presumptuous enough to opine on the day’s headlines, but too damn lazy to read the articles.
***
8 Things You Didn’t Know About Restless Legs Syndrome ~ One of them is that it’s not a real disease.
‘Cat ladies’ more likely to commit suicide, scientists claim ~ This and much, much more in next month’s issue of Stop the Presses! America’s Most Trusted Source for News of the Painfully Obvious.
Why Women Love One-Night Stands ~ They enjoy having drunken intercourse with a person they’ll never have to see again, much as men do.
Police identify bodies found in Detroit River ~ But that’s all the time we have tonight. If you didn’t hear the name of your loved one’s water-swollen corpse announced on tonight’s show, tune in next week for another exciting episode of “Fishin’ the Motor City.”
Fear of clowns is serious ~ Sadly, your commitment to real journalism doesn’t appear to be.
And A Mime Is Nothing But A French Clown, So Double-Bad.
Navy’s new gender-neutral carriers won’t have urinals ~ If you enjoyed the furor surrounding “Gays in the Military,” you’ll love “Who Left the Fucking Seat up in the Head?”
Twitter reaction: Does Penn State deserve the death penalty? ~ Not sure. But let us ask you this: does an issue as serious as the death penalty deserve your clumsy metaphor?
Hamas Suspends Voter Registration… ~ It was a purely a question of human resources. One more man out registering voters means one less busload of dead Israeli kids.
Father, son lose 260 pounds after weight loss surgery ~ This extraordinary achievement didn’t happen overnight, folks–it took a single-minded focus, dedication to the cause and years upon years of effort before that surgeon became certified to suck the rivers of lard from those two human baleen.
Miss Holocaust Survivor’ crowned in Israel ~ We heard it was a gas. (Oh, like this wasn’t already in abominably poor taste even BEFORE we arrived on the scene?)
No Matter What Atrocities We Commit Against One Another, We Can Never Quench The Essential Dignity Of The Human Spirit.
Arkansas marijuana proposal needs more signatures ~ Given that it’s Arkansas, all one needs to do to sign the petition is to be able to scratch out a crude X.
Proposal for ‘English only’ city council meetings sparks debate in Walnut, Calif. ~ If by debate, you mean a top-volume screaming match in a rainbow of exotic tongues.
Have a sexy walk? You’re probably having a LOT of orgasms ~ Smaktakula often experiences spontaneous orgasms while walking, and while it never fails to arouse comments from witnesses, it has never been described as “sexy.” Certainly not by the authorities.
Irishman survives after great white shark attack in Australia ~ That shark had just celebrated ten years of sobriety. He wasn’t about to go throw all that away for one Irishman.
My husband had sex with me while I was in a drunken state. Should I divorce him? ~ We’ll answer this one seriously, because our typical smartassery cannot hope to do justice to such a profoundly serious marital issue. ABSOLUTELY you should divorce him. Do it right now! It’s not fair that your husband should be chained for the remainder of his days to such a fucked-up, games playing, frigid bitch. And might we suggest choosing as your next mate a fellow who’s just been released from the penitentiary? Having been so long denied the company of a woman, he’ll no doubt treat you like the precious little flower that you are.
In some Olympic sports, the US just doesn’t make the grade ~Then you can’t really consider them sports.
Just Because Estonians Are Crazy About It, Doesn’t Mean It’s Worth Doing.
The Upside of Letting Your Child Fail ~ Always having that failure to lord over him.
If Pot Were Truly Legal, Joints Would Cost Only a Few Cents ~ Folks, very often when writing these things, a headline will inspire two or more different gags, and we go with the one we like best. The provocative title above inspires literally so many different responses (almost entirely rancorous and replete with four-letter words) that the inside of Smaktakula’s skull sounds like the trading floor of the New Delhi Stock Exchange five minutes before the closing bell.
10 Ways the World Could End ~ One of them is ‘It Was All Just A Dream!’ That is such a fucking cop-out.
Is It Time to Stop Fearing Islamism? ~ Wait a sec while we check to see what’s going on in the world…hold on, checking…ah, there we go…Nope–still pretty scary.
Native American Communities Affected by Climate Change Plan for the Future ~ They’re stocking up on Old Granddad & Wild Turkey as we speak.
He’s Got Us There. We’re Joking About An Epidemic That Is Destroying A Culture Even The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Couldn’t Crush.
Nobel Peace Prize winners say US must lead global peace efforts, wars should … ~ Continuing the bold behavior which earned most of them the Peace Prize in the first place, talking about what other people should do to lead peace efforts.
10 Signs That Death is Near ~ #4: Massive, unstoppable bleeding.
Medical Marijuana: A Patient Perspective ~ It’s great. Really, we can’t speak highly enough about it. Heartily endorsed.
Boston U graduate student dies in fall in Turkey ~ That’s so romantic. Turkey is lovely in the fall.
A dog’s last moments photographed ~ “Oh my gosh–the look on Shep’s little doggie face when he finally realizes the truck isn’t going to stop in time–is that NOT just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”
“BAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!”
Promethean Times 
Once again you’ve got me feeling guilty for laughing. In fact, I have to read these headlines in private, so ashamed am I to find them amusing. Plus, thanks to you, I will never be able to get the image of an ambulating multi-orgasmic Smak out of my head. Ever.
Well, how do you think I feel? I’m glad you enjoyed the wickedness, and that I could, for a few moments at least, bring you down to my level.
Well, let’s be honest here. Is your level really that much lower than mine, no matter how much I pretend it is?
You make a good point. There’s a couple areas in which I can be surprisingly prudish.
Sick, twisted, beautiful stuff. That’s why I keep coming back. Reminds me of the ’70’s and early ’80’s, when comedy had virtually no limits.
Thanks, Bill! I know of what you speak. It seems like that was a more honest time, really. Even television shows and cartoons tackled racial and taboo issues straight on, without making it a teaching moment. Yeah, at times it seemed painfully earnest, but I’ll take that over the circumscribed cynicism of contemporary culture.
Recently I’ve seen parts of Revenge of the Nerds and Blazing Saddles for the first time in several years. Both films are products of a different, less self-conscious era, and are howlingly funny for it.
My thoughts exactly.
Jerry’s Native American, and he likes his firewater, but he’s reduced to loading up on Natties. Chugging a fifth of Wild Turkey makes him want to start fires in the fireplace with a log, a twig, a square of toilet paper, and a shitload of gasoline. Too bad his nose hair grew back. 😦
Gender-neutral carriers? WTF? No urinals? Where will the bull-dykes whiz?
Like the actress said during her award acceptance speech:
There are too many to mention, so I won’t…!
That’s probably wise. We’d be better off sometimes subscribing to that rule. Thanks for reading!
When it comes to bad taste, Promethean Times is outstanding. Out standing in a garbage dump!
Thank…you?
I thought that dog picture did fit with the last headline, and it made me laugh. The actual story was a bit sad. Oh well, if no-one is collecting them…
You could do a whole post on trying to guess what the 10 signs are, that death is near (without looking at them, obviously).
You’re probably right about the various means of death.
I don’t read the stories before I write the headlines, but I sometimes go back to read them later. I don’t think I have the stomach to read the dog one; I don’t know how it could be but sad.
Thanks, Elliot!
Mr. Weebles is probably wondering what’s wrong with me because I keep laughing out loud at these. These really are so fucking funny. I wish I could come up with a clever comment or observation about at least one headline here but I can’t. Well done, sir.
You are so very kind. We do so amuse ourselves, it’s nice to know it has a ripple effect.
10 Ways The World Could End: Rocks fall and everyone dies.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was one of ’em.
I’ve always tapped my foot when listening to music. In the past, there were times when music would be playing, and my leg would get going with such velocity I thought it might come loose. Have I been suffering from restless legs syndrome all these years and didn’t know it? Why wasn’t I told?
Shouldn’t some kind of compensation be available?
If by compensation you mean a plethora of new drugs that will cure your unruly limb with several, only slightly-unlivable side-effects, then yes, most certainly!
I was actually thinking of financial compensation and a huge settlement. But if that’s not possible I suppose I’d settle for free drugs. However, the side-effects would have to include such things as laughing without any particular reason and an increased appetite.
You are soo damn funny. I read the article – I had drunken sex with my husband should I divorce him….what a dumbass chick…(seriously)…and lmao at Miss Prude’s reply. Women enjoy one night stands, too….never….and oh yeah, you should do a post about your sexy walk – that would be Super interesting…hehe
Sadly, until we do a video post (don’t hold your breath!) I don’t know if I’ll be able to do justice to my sexy, sexy walk. It has to be seen to be believed.