Tag Archives: Independence Day

This Day In History: July 4, Every Year From 1777 CE To The Present

04 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, History

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On which inebriated Americans from all walks of life honor the nation’s birth with a variety of beloved and time-honored traditions, from bedside vigils in any of America’s many first-rate burn wards to the age old-custom of commemorating those bygone freedom-fighters by sacrificing several fingers in the memory of their valiant struggle.

“It Prolly Hurts Like A Sum’bitch, But After Thirteen Golden Nazis, I Can’t Feel A Thing. Hey, Is Someone Cookin’ Pork Rinds? DAMN, Whatever It Is Sure Smells Good!”

Kids, take it from someone who knows: the improper use of fireworks can REALLY fuck up your day. Have a super July 4th, everyone! ∞ T.

Revealed: Why John Adams Became President

02 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Holiday, Humor, Mythology, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics, Relationships, Satire

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By Smaktakula

1) He couldn’t play guitar.

2) Unlike his cousin Sam, a successful brewer to this day, he had no marketable skills.

3) His career as a psychic proved a bust when he made well-publicized but shitty predictions like this one:

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival.*

A Lack Of Real Options Forced The Presidency Upon Him.

*Thomas Jefferson’s response: “Have fun at your ‘July 2nd’ party, loser!  See the rest of y’all on Sunday.  Bring chicks.”

This Day In History: July 2, 1776 CE

02 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, History, Holiday, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking

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On which the Founding Fathers tell the tyrant King George III what he can do with his onerous taxes and hated Redcoats.

“Brothers, Let These Words Ring Out Not Only Across A Grateful Nation, But Also May They Resound Throughout Almighty Posterity Itself: Because In Signing This, We Are Good And Truly Fucked.”