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Tag Archives: Anaheim Angels

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales–Take Me Out To The Ballgame

12 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport, Stupidity, True-Ass Tales

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, Anaheim Stadium, Baseball, California Angels, Candlestick Park, Colorado Rockies, Coors Field, Dock Ellis, Dodger Stadium, dope, drugs, grass, hemp, Los Angeles Dodgers, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, marijuana, Pittsburgh Pirates, pot, reefer, San Francisco Giants, schadenfreude, Seattle Mariners, sweet sweet cheeba, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, vomiting, weed

By Tardsie

Relax, baseball-haters, the following True-Ass Tales are concerned less with what happens on the field, and more with shenanigans in the stands.

Inexplicably, My Wife Wore An Orange Shirt To This Game. Chivalrous Dude That I Am, I Said, “If You Get Stabbed In The Parking Lot, Don’t Blame Me!”

The Sweetest Beer–Safeco Field, Seattle, Washington

I guess you could call me a beer snob. I don’t drink much these days, but when I do, I prefer to drink something good, which means avoiding the mass-produced fermented goat urine flowing from America’s big breweries. Nonetheless, there have been exceptions.

Sometime around 2000, a buddy and I were at the newly-opened Safeco Field to see a Mariners’ game (I have since forgotten the opponent). One our way from our seats to the smoking platform we passed a concession cart. The guy running the stand was looking the other way, and without hesitation and before the vendor had turned back around, my buddy snatched a Miller Lite from the ice-filled cavity at the front of his stand. We kept walking.

When we got to the smoking area we lit up a joint and split the Lite. Despite it being shit beer in a plastic bottle, it was one of the sweetest brews ever to cross my lips.

I Want You To Know, I Wouldn’t Normally Do This Kind Of Thing.

Love Some Dodgers (LSD) or Man, I AM the Baseball!–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, California

One time in the 1990s, me and two of my friends, Earl and You Ho, decided to drop some acid at the ball game. The Pirates were in town.

Rarely have I been so fascinated by a baseball game. The span between each pitch seemed interminable and pregnant with promise, as if the whole of the nine innings or for that matter the season hung on the arc and velocity of that single pitch. We were in the nosebleed seats, just below the top ring of the stadium, and the angle seemed impossibly steep, and left us feeling the slightest shift in movement might send us tumbling down into the seats below.

The kids behind us were throwing popcorn, which streaked over our heads like flame-caught moths, surprising us afresh each time they burst past us and fell dying into vast and unknowable distances below our feet.

The drive home was a harrowing kaleidoscope: the sea of tail lights which are the city’s sclerotic arteries, looming, barbwire enshrouded green freeway signs and the lava-lamp face of You Ho as he piloted us through the night.

There’s Precedent. Look Up Dock Ellis.

Letting It All Out–Coors Field, Denver, Colorado

The last time I was at Coors Field was for a Dodgers-Rockies game.  My friend Tyrell got us seats in the club level, where instead of having to stand in the beer line like the unwashed masses, fresh-faced, uniformed attendants would bring the alcohol to us. Perhaps it was the atmosphere of entitlement, the altitude or my own by-then infrequent drinking habits, but I got drunk. Shitty drunk.

We were on the way home when the urge to hurl hit me with immediate, implacable force. I was in the back seat of my buddy’s truck, and although he was quick in pulling over, the vomit was quicker. It was all I could do to get my head out the window before I was spraying mile-high chunks. You should know, I’m a powerful upchucker–it’s all in the diaphragm. I continued vomiting out the window until we got back to Tyrell’s place, where I may have decorated his driveway.

As my (very forgiving!) friend discovered the next morning, I hadn’t been as successful at clearing the car as I’d hoped. The side of the truck, which Tyrell’s company leased for him, was spackled with dried sick. Worse though, I’d managed to get no small amount of the pungent sludge down into the window well, where it was trapped between the panels of the door, free to ferment unmolested.

The story ends happily, though. Tyrell not long after accepted a new job with a different company, who provided him with a new truck of which he was much more fond, not least because it smelled better.

They Still Probably Haven’t Gotten That Stank Out.

Don’t Write Checks My Ass Can–And Will– Cash–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles California

Those of you who remember my buddy Dave Chen already know that he has a tendency to begin speaking long before his brain properly engages, and will have no trouble following the path of foolish decisions which resulted in a significant cash outlay for him and for me a torpid stupor of inebriation and satiety.

It began one day when for some reason Dave and I had been discussing stadium beer. “Those beers they have at Dodger Stadium are pretty big,” Dave said, “I’ll bet you couldn’t even drink four of them during a game.” Amazingly, Dave wasn’t joking, and soon we had a bet. If I could drink four large beers during a regular, nine-inning ball game, Dave would pay for all the beer I could drink (including the original four) and all the food I could eat. In the extremely unlikely event that I lost the bet, I would be required to pay for his food and drink. A little rattled by my obvious glee, Dave blundered further, insisting that I had to carry out the bet ON A FULL STOMACH.

Yeah, That’s Pretty Much It Right There.

The wager was consummated at a Giants-Dodgers match-up. The game was notable not only for the debut of future first-ballot Hall of Famer Dennys Reyes, but also because we were treated to one of the truly rare and pure sights in late 1990’s baseball, a Barry Bonds home run.

No, The Guy I’m Thinking Of Was Freaking Huge.

As you might imagine, I’d killed the four beers by the third inning and Dave was buying the beer & snacks for another six innings. I don’t remember too much about those later frames, but I do remember approaching a guy selling pizzas.

“I’ll take one,” I said, then jerked a thumb at Dave, “He’s paying.”

Without missing a beat, the guy said to me, “Then why not buy two?”

As A Child I Was Pelted With Ice At Candlestick Park For The “Crime” Of Wearing Blue. That’s Just The Kind Of People They Are.

LA: Separate, But Equal. Well, Separate For Sure–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, California

A couple of years ago my wife and I were at a ball game. In the parking lot, I was chatting with two Latino dudes. We were all drinking beers. I was surreptitiously smoking from a pipe I concealed in my hand, but as the other two dudes were smoking cigarettes, they couldn’t smell it.

Security pounced on us from out of nowhere. Officers split us up and spoke to us separately. My officer made me dump the beer (you can’t drink in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium), asked to see my tickets before sending me on my way.

As I was leaving, I saw that one of the Latino guys was getting arrested.

And It Loves Me! (And People Like Me)

When the Angels Were Cast From the Heavens–Anaheim Stadium, Anaheim, California

In 1995, I went to game between the Seattle Mariners and California Angels (as the Anaheim Angels were then called) which the Mariners won. On the way out, my girlfriend, a self-described “Newport Bitch” and lifelong Angels fan grumbled about the loss.

The Angels’ World Series Victory In 2002 (Tied With 2010 For WORST World Series Match-Up EVER) Came As Something Of A Disappointment.

“Come on, Kathy, the Angels are up twelve games,” I said, not needing to add that the season was growing short and such a deficit nigh-insurmountable, particularly for the until-then, luckless Mariners. “Can’t you just let the M’s have this one game?”

What neither of us could have known, however, was that this game proved to be the first spasm in what would grow to be one of the most spectacular–and to my thinking, delightful–collapses in baseball history (at the time I think it was #3), as the Angels saw their commanding lead begin to erode against a suddenly ascendant Seattle. The Angels and Ms ended the season in a tie for first place in the American League West, necessitating a one-game tie-breaker to determine the AL West Champion.

Oh, Hell Yeah, Man–I’ve Got It Framed And Everything.

Headlines: The Real Secret Of Our Success

04 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, American Airlines, Anaheim Angels, Barack Obama, Boston Red Sox, breastuses, childish sexual innuendo, Detroit, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, HURRR!, Kanye West, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian, Latinos, marijuana, Mitt Romney, muslims, pot, Prince Harry, prostitution, Rally Monkey, reefer, Serena Williams, Sikhs, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Cruise, Venus Williams, weed

By Smaktakula

He’ll Go Halfsies With You On Gas. But For Your Own Sanity, Avoid The Topic Of Non-Aryan Drivers.

In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.

***

The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.

MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.

TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?

Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”

Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.

Just The Sight Of The Fucking Rally Monkey Sends A Sexual Thrill Through The Collective Heart Of Assface Nation.

Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?

Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.

‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.

Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?

Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.

What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.

If This Is Comedy, Does That Mean It’s Okay To Laugh At Cross-Dressers? Jeez–Sorry, We Were Just Asking.

‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?

Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”

Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.

Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.

If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?

Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.

“HURRRRRRR!”

American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ’em the ‘Air Hags’ now.

Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket –And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!

Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.

“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.

Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.

Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?

Fatty Here Has More Chins Than The Shanghai White Pages.

Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.

Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.

Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!

What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.

Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?

What Will You Use These For After The Kids Are Weaned?

Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, avoiding responsibility, Barack Obama, binge drinking, black people, breast implants, breastuses, celebrity deaths, childish sexual innuendo, comical despots, death penalty, DUI, fun with stereotypes, great white shark, Greece, headlines, Holocaust, Japan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Joe Biden, Kim Jong-un, Kylie Minogue, legitimate rape, Mary Kay, Mitt Romney, Molly Ringwald, North Korea, peanuts, Phyllis Diller, racism, Rally Monkey, rape, Sikhs, Snoopy, Spongebob Squarepants, Tampa Bay Rays, Taylor Swift, Teletubbies, Ukraine, untalented authors, white people, whitey, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.

***

In which we indulge both our love of talking out of our asses and our shameful laziness by commenting on the headlines while leaving the actual reading to you.

***

Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?

Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”

Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.

What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.

Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”

“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”

Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.

I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.

Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.

Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.

Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.

How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.

Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!

Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.

For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.

Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.

The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.

Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.

Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.

Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.

‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.

Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.

Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.

Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.

Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.

And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.

How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!

Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.

Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.

North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.

Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.

Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.

***

Have A Great Weekend, Folks!

The Anaheim Angels Of Anaheim: Why They’re Bad For America

07 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, Baseball, childish sexual innuendo, confused identity, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mike Scioscia is an apostate!, poseurs, Rally Monkey, San Diego Padres, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Southern California

By Smaktakula

You Will Find This Nowhere In LA.

Here’s Why:

1) Superfluous. The LA-OC Metro Area is also the home the more historic and culturally significant Los Angeles Dodgers (of Los Angeles), and the Southern California area already includes the Padres, San Diego’s semi-pro ball club.

There Can Be Only One.

2) Dishonest. Claim Los Angeles as home base, but play in Anaheim, over 30 miles away. Moreover, the team has claimed no fewer than four home locations in its half-century of iniquity: Los Angeles (legitimately), California, Anaheim and now the ridiculous LA-Anaheim hybrid. What are they hiding? What don’t they want you to know?

To Be Fair, For Five Of The Team’s Fifty-Plus Years, The Los Angeles Claim Wasn’t A Filthy Lie.

3) Homophobic. Although no evidence whatsoever exists to support this rather irresponsible claim, it should be noted that “angels” are frequently associated with Christianity, which itself is practically synonymous with homophobia.

In Private Conversation, Some People Refer To Them As The “GAYngels.” Not Us, Though. That Kind Of Childishness Really Isn’t Our Style.

4) Cruel. Many years ago, Mike Scioscia did us wrong.¹

Yeah, That’s A Funny Trick To Play On A Ten-Year-Old Who Only Wanted An Autograph. We’re Glad You Got Fat, Fucker.

5) The Rally Monkey. The fucking Rally Monkey.

This Hideous Creature Is Quite Simply An Affront To All Which Is Decent And Good.

¹That we were able to swallow our animosity while Mr. Scioscia was a member of the Los Angeles Dodgers should in no way invalidate our argument, but rather serve as a reminder of our persistent and nearly blinding hypocrisy. ∞ T.

This Day In History: July 18th, 1955 CE

18 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Anaheim Angels, Baseball, California, California Angels, Disneyland, lame baseball teams, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Magic Kingdom, Mickey Mouse, the Devil, this day in history, tragic kingdom

On which the Devil manifests as a rodent and brings his unholy kingdom to earth.

Unsure Of Whether To Use His Massive Profits To Cure Cancer Or To Buy The World's Lamest Baseball Team.

As hard as it is to believe, Orange County once had a soul. ∞T.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

12 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Anaheim, Anaheim Angels, Baseball, California, California Angels, Chavez Ravine, Gayngels, Los Angeles, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Los Angeles Dodgers, Magic Kingdom, Major League Baseball, Mike Scioscia is an apostate!, MLB, Orange County, poseur

By Smaktakula

When someone pretends to be from someplace he’s not, we call him a poseur.

When a professional sports franchise pretends to be from somewhere it’s not, we call it the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

LA

Not LA

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