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Tag Archives: San Diego Padres

The Anaheim Angels Of Anaheim: Why They’re Bad For America

07 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, Baseball, childish sexual innuendo, confused identity, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mike Scioscia is an apostate!, poseurs, Rally Monkey, San Diego Padres, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Southern California

By Smaktakula

You Will Find This Nowhere In LA.

Here’s Why:

1) Superfluous. The LA-OC Metro Area is also the home the more historic and culturally significant Los Angeles Dodgers (of Los Angeles), and the Southern California area already includes the Padres, San Diego’s semi-pro ball club.

There Can Be Only One.

2) Dishonest. Claim Los Angeles as home base, but play in Anaheim, over 30 miles away. Moreover, the team has claimed no fewer than four home locations in its half-century of iniquity: Los Angeles (legitimately), California, Anaheim and now the ridiculous LA-Anaheim hybrid. What are they hiding? What don’t they want you to know?

To Be Fair, For Five Of The Team’s Fifty-Plus Years, The Los Angeles Claim Wasn’t A Filthy Lie.

3) Homophobic. Although no evidence whatsoever exists to support this rather irresponsible claim, it should be noted that “angels” are frequently associated with Christianity, which itself is practically synonymous with homophobia.

In Private Conversation, Some People Refer To Them As The “GAYngels.” Not Us, Though. That Kind Of Childishness Really Isn’t Our Style.

4) Cruel. Many years ago, Mike Scioscia did us wrong.¹

Yeah, That’s A Funny Trick To Play On A Ten-Year-Old Who Only Wanted An Autograph. We’re Glad You Got Fat, Fucker.

5) The Rally Monkey. The fucking Rally Monkey.

This Hideous Creature Is Quite Simply An Affront To All Which Is Decent And Good.

¹That we were able to swallow our animosity while Mr. Scioscia was a member of the Los Angeles Dodgers should in no way invalidate our argument, but rather serve as a reminder of our persistent and nearly blinding hypocrisy. ∞ T.

Headlines 06.01.12

01 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

AIDS, Batman, Charles Manson, Chicago Cubs, dope, first world problems, grass, headlines, hemp, Joe Biden, Los Angeles Lakers, marijuana, Octomom, pornography, reefer, San Diego Padres, sweet sweet cheeba, weed

By Smaktakula

Sadly, That Bogart Smaktakula Refused To Pass It.

In which, for the briefest of moments, we look up from the drudgery of our deadline long enough to comment on some news stories we can’t be bothered to read. Enjoy!

Pa. mom charged with killing her toddler twins Adam and Eve ~ We’re not sure just why Adam had to bite it, but that Eve was one bad apple. *** Start with a winner, folks–that’s our motto!

Skier dies after falling 2,000 feet ~ That would more properly make him a sky-diver.

Biden says end to wars gives US new flexibility ~ Totally. We can go start a couple new wars if we want.

Koreans busted for stamina pills made from dead babies ~ They’re called ‘Soyrent Green.’

“My God, It Made From Peeper!”

And Your Next ‘American Idol’ Is … ~ The Ely, Nevada Wendy’s Employee of the Month for February, 2015.

10 Things to Never Put on Your Resume ~ Six of them are things you can do with your penis.

Is ‘old-person smell’ for real? ~ You don’t actually know any old people, do you?

New Evidence in Manson murders? ~ After seeing the new evidence, we’re starting to believe Manson might have been guilty after all.

$10K reward for bear killer ~ Ironically, no reward offered for killer bear.

“Then Ranger Smith Says, ‘Yogi, Please–You Don’t Have To Do This! I Have A Family!’ So I Said, ‘Shut The Fuck Up, Man, Or I’ll Eat Them, Too.'”

Jesus’ crucifixion date found? ~ It’s Memorial Day. And that’s why on July 4th, we celebrate with fireworks.

Baseball: Chicago Cubs snap 12-game losing streak, beat San Diego Padres ~ We don’t want to bring yet even more misery to the Windy City, but a victory against the Padres doesn’t actually count toward snapping a losing streak. Sorry!

Octomom’s First Porn Shoot Had WHAT? ~ Dignity? Class? A pleasing smell? We give up.

Lakers drop Thunder in double overtime ~ How embarrassing. They might have avoided this if only they’d used the little boy’s room before the big game.

The Horror of Being Hacked in Diablo 3 ~ Hmm. You’re sure that qualifies as  a horror? We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you’re unaware that right now in Swaziland, a little AIDS orphan is starving to death. But you’re right, being hacked does suck.

“It’s Kinda Like That Time My Sister Was Taken By The Rebel Army To Be Used As A…But I’m Sorry, Go On–Your Story Was Better.”

Weaponized kitty to dominate ~ It’s an adorabomination!

Is Philanthropy Print Journalism’s Last Hope? ~ You mean giving newspapers away for free? That’s still a little more than we want to pay.

In general, Shaq not suited for GM job ~ Apparently two of the big criteria were the ability to form a coherent sentence and to make three shots in a row from the line.

Woman on scooter injured in collision with semi in SLO ~Obviously we’re glad the woman survived the accident, but it doesn’t say much for the truck that it wasn’t able to kill a chick on a scooter.

Is Batman Coming Out of the Closet? ~ Do you mean the same Batman who dresses in spandex and prowls the filthy backstreets looking for rough action, accompanied at all times by a thirteen-year-old boy in a domino mask and green, fish-scale Speedos? We’d say he’s been out and proud for a while.

So Do You Understand How Something Can Be Gay And Super-Fucking Gay At The Same Time?

Celebrating 40 Years Of Hallucinogens In Baseball

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, People, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

acid, Baseball, Dock Ellis, dose, drugs, fry, hallucinogens, I can see through time, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, no-hitter, Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, substance abuse, trippin' balls, tripping, trips

By Smaktakula

On June 12th, 1970, Dock Ellis of the Pittsburgh Pirates somehow managed to pitch a no-hitter while tripping his balls off on LSD.       

As with any such feat, the success is not due to Ellis alone.  Without his teammates’ stellar defense, this achievement would have been a longshot at best.       

According to Ellis, much of the credit for the victory must be accorded to the baseball, which provided invaluable aid by telling the frying hurler which pitches to throw.       

"With This No-Hitter, My Plan Is At Last Coming To Fruition. You Know What Must Happen Next. BURN THEM, DOCK! BURN THEM ALL!"

  

Can The Pacific Northwest Cool Bradley?

25 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, People, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Brett Tomko, Carlos Silva, Chicago Cubs, Ken Griffey Jr., Los Angeles Dodgers, Lou Piniella, Major League Baseball, Mike Sweeney, Milton Bradley, MLB, Pacific Northwest, San Diego Padres, Seattle Mariners

By Smaktakula

Sir, I Beg To Differ

The unfortunately named and often irascible Milton Bradley is a Seattle Mariner, coming over from the Chicago Cubs in an offseason trade for the underperforming Carlos Silva.  This trade has a tremendous upside for both clubs, and for both players.  The Mariners and Cubs have each shed a player who had become a cancer on the clubhouse, as in Bradley’s case, or an overpaid bust like Silva.  For both players, the switch to a new team means a fresh start.    

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