Adolf Hitler, American Airlines, Anaheim Angels, Barack Obama, Boston Red Sox, breastuses, childish sexual innuendo, Detroit, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, HURRR!, Kanye West, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian, Latinos, marijuana, Mitt Romney, muslims, pot, Prince Harry, prostitution, Rally Monkey, reefer, Serena Williams, Sikhs, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Cruise, Venus Williams, weed
In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.
The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.
MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.
TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?
Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”
Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.
Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?
Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.
‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.
Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?
Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.
What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.
‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?
Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”
Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.
Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.
If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?
Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.
American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ’em the ‘Air Hags’ now.
Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket –And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!
Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.
“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.
Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.
Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?
Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.
Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.
Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!
What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.
Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?
William Miller said:
The one about the elites getting a chance to run the country reminded me of a bumper-sticker I saw here in Greenville last week: “Give War a Chance.” ‘Cause, you know, we haven’t tried that in a while.
Great stuff, as usual,
That’s a good one. I typically take a dim view of political bumper-stickers, as they often try to capture a complex idea in a few short words. However, I am fond of a snide comment.
One time I saw two bumper-stickers on the same car that, if taken separately are nothing special (and one kind of childish), but together made a sort of magic: One said “Jesus Saves.” The other said, “Men come in three sizes: Small, Medium and OH MY GOD!”
Oh mercy, since you mentioned the lovable Honey Boo Boo again – I read the entire article you provided. God Help Us All…I hope that show gets canned. (I will vote with my remote and NEVER watch it) I can’t believe they bought the child a pet pig and they were scared the mom was going to eat it…well, if she weighs in at 303 pounds, maybe I can.
Funny stuff, Smakola!
Carrie Rubin said:
Apparently the pig craps on the family table, while the family laughs at its antics. Ahh, television at its finest.
I haven’t seen it either, but then I don’t watch much TV. Everybody says that, but in the last two weeks, I think the only televised programming I’ve watched has been “Green Lantern: The Animated Series” and about an hour’s worth of baseball.
If we were talking about a normal family, I’d echo your incredulity at the purchase of the pet pig. However, I don’t think this family has much practice saying “No” to Honey Boo Boo.
I once raised a pig. That’s the reason I no longer eat pork. That, and ’cause Allah frowns on it.
I seem to remember us discussing your pig…..
Well, being that you’re from the South, it’s a given that barnyard animals are gonna come up in just about every conversation.
And I don’t use emoticons, but if I did, there would be a lame little smiley-face there, ’cause I’m kidding. It comes up at least TWICE in every conversation.
Also sugar beet futures, whatever that is.
Funny how it works with religions: some animals get off easily while others (e.g. lambs) don’t do so well.
When I was a kid, we had family friends who had a pet pig in their house. He was a good sort, and I’ve often thought pigs have been given a bad rap.
El Guapo said:
By the time I got to the last headline, I have to admit, no, I didn’t remember Romney from th first headline.
Gotta hit the gym now to ensure my usefulness as a jar opener next time I need to impress my lady.
Without that skill, we are nothing! Seriously, even our ability to reach the top shelf can be approximated thanks to rapid advances in ladder-technology.
Carrie Rubin said:
And to maintain your usefulness as a pack-mule. Someone needs to carry our bags in the airport.
Carrie Rubin said:
Boy, you spared no one with this round, did you? Hilarious as usual, though I cringed at the “air hag” dig. Probably because my kids call me the “Hag of Ohio.” We hags are sensitive. 😉
Thanks, Carrie. Kids can be cruel, but I think when your boys see the panoply of haggery on display in Ohio, they’ll understand that having a mouth full of 32 teeth doesn’t make you a “hag,” it just means you were born somewhere else.
Carrie Rubin said:
It always comes back to the teeth, doesn’t it?…
Y’know, it does. I love the human face in all its natural permutations. I tend not to look unfavorably on natural facial features that are outside the norm (big noses, radar-dish ears, etc.); in fact they often make a person more striking if they’ve learned how to own their look (Mick Jagger wouldn’t be nearly so attractive if he were a handsome man). Teeth are a deal-breaker, though. I mean, what kind of life experiences can a gal have had if she’s still got all her own teefuses?
Carrie Rubin said:
Well, if I have a dream tonight about all my teeth falling out, I’ll know who to blame.
True. But if, in that same dream, I appear and say, “Ha! You’re edentulous,” having recently added the term to my fearsome grammatical arsenal, YOU’LL know who to blame.
Carrie Rubin said:
Hate to admit it, Smak, but you’re right. There are some very scary hagithas all over Ohio, especially in the rural areas. I’m one of the few people I know from my hometown with all of my original front teeth (I only have 28- but that’s only ’cause my wisdom teeth were impacted and had to be chiselled out,) and I’m one of the few women I know that has not achieved the size and girth of a feeder hog. The women out in BFE get really behemoth, just like the rural barn cats, (think Big Fat Fanny) too. When I travel to Newark (to raid their Wal Mart for all the women’s size 12-14 clothes that inevitably end up on the clearance rack) the local she-cows actually point at the “anorexic.”
Well, I’ve only been through Ohio, so my hag comment was more based on my love of mockery. It’s always nice to have the gaps in my knowledge (much like the gaps in a smile) filled in. And as I also lack wisdom teeth, I concur that 28 teefuses (in that instance) is acceptable.
And I think (after some map study) that you mean Newark, Ohio (which I heretofore was unaware of). As you may or may not know, I have a thing with places and geography–I like to have a sense of where things take place. So when you said you shopped in Newark, I though “Isn’t Ohio at least one state removed from New Jersey?” A map confirmed this–Pennsylvania (which is a pretty big state if you’re an East Coaster) stands in your way. But then I saw Newark, Ohio on the map. It’s gotta be better than the REAL Newark, huh?
Newark, OH is a small farming town of about 30,000, about 40 miles east of Columbus. The place is known for pig farms (sorry, Pork Producers) and for women the size of large feeder hogs who consider spandex, tube tops and Walmart flip-flops to be suitable year-round attire. There are plenty of Mom & Pop all-you-can-eat buffets there, as well as a good number of national chains.
When I worked in Newark, I enjoyed being one of the thinnest women around, even though I don’t consider a size 12 to be particularly “thin.” I’m not a feeder hog, but I’m no Calista either.
I think if you’re into freak shows on the cheap, you can’t miss the Newark Walmart- or the Ryan’s. Just try not to barf when one of the hogithas carries on a conversation, crams two chicken legs into her gaping maw, and downs a Mountain Dew all at the same time. Welcome to the trough! But it can be sort of fun to watch.
There are plenty of Mom & Pop all-you-can-eat buffets there,
I avoid those things like the plague. Or more properly, like ‘botulism.’ An ex-girlfriend of mine called The Hometown Buffet ‘The Hometown Trough’ and I can’t think of it any other way (this same gf ruined Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for me by calling them ‘Menstrual Cookies.’)
The next time I get to Ohio (and I can’t fathom when that would be, but I figure there’s always a next time) I’ll definitely check out the Wal-Mart. I like to people watch at Wal-Mart anyway, so it’s a no-brainer. Perhaps literally.
I tried to anticipate your joke for ‘Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes’, but thought you were gonna mention the mayor’s “Whoa!”s. But, it sounds like those prostitutes aren’t the best. (I’m avoided the sentence “Sounds like those prostitutes really suck.” I think I should be congratulated)
Men sort of have a purpose. 🙂 In the movie “The Jerk,” Navin (played by Steve Martin) was quite elated when he discovered what his “special purpose” was for. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJJA6WRpvlg
If I’d seen that before, I didn’t remember it. You know, I have long been interested in my special purpose. In fact, I’m working out some uses for it as we speak.