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Tag Archives: Kim Kardashian

Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

20 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Headlines, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

air travel, alcoholism, Alzheimer's, Arkansas, atomic bomb, Australia, ballet, celebrity deaths, conspiracy theories, Dick Cheney, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drunken Irishmen, Erich Priebke, fear of flying, grass, hemp, Hinduism, homosexuality, Iran, Italy, James Bond, JFK, Julia Gillard, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, LBJ, male figure skaters, marijuana, Mexico, muslims, N-Word, Nazis, New York City, North Carolina, one Carolina is enough, Paul Walker, poor vocational choices, pot, reefer, Saltine crackers, sexism, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Social Security, stupid people, Suzanne Somers, SWAT, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, Time, untalented stars, Walmart, weed

By Smaktakula

We Believe It Is Vitally Important To Treat An Issue With The Same Respect You Would Accord To Any Other Issue.

In which we celebrate our awe-inspiring ignorance by commenting on the headlines to articles we can’t be bothered to read.

***

The Reasons Kim and Kanye Picked The Name “ North ” May Surprise You ~ So it isn’t because they’re both brain-dead half-wits? Because, yeah–anything else WOULD be a surprise.

America’s new Irish immigrants ~ Every bit as drunken and shiftless as the last batch.

Vote: Should Marijuana Users Be Arrested? ~ Hmm. You know, a better question might be, “Should you go fuck yourself?” You already know our answer.

Ark. SWAT officers kill man, 107, in standoff ~ Seems like maybe they could have waited around for just a little while and let nature do the messy work for them.

Seahorses stalk their prey by stealth ~ As opposed to the many, many animals which prefer to stalk their prey by making a god-awful racket.

Docs explain why James Bond prefers his martinis ‘shaken, not stirred’ ~ Because James Bond has a very serious drinking problem, and his friends are terrified to talk to him about it.

“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”

The Ridiculous Things Lost On NYC Trains ~ We don’t consider a 14-year-old’s virginity to be at all ridiculous.

Why We Cry on Planes ~ Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.

Does doing yoga make you a Hindu? ~ We dunno. Does blowing shit up make you a Muslim?

Why A Peanut Butter Test For Alzheimer’s Might Be Too Simple ~ For the same reason that the Saltine Cracker AIDS test was a bust.

5 comments never to say to someone who’s grieving ~ “You poor dear! Look at the mess he left you; no matter how many times you scrub, you just can’t get gray matter out of chintz curtains–Lord knows how I’ve tried.”

Can TIME Predict Your Politics? ~ TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover. Grow up.

“But What Do The Kardashians Feel Is The Best Solution To Stem The Seemingly Intractable Internecine Bloodshed In South Sudan?”

Paul Walker’s Last Words Revealed ~ “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Would You Date a Much Younger Man? ~ How much younger? ‘Cause at a certain point, it starts to get a little…you know…illegal.

Atomic bomb nearly exploded over North Carolina in 1961, report says ~ Which would have been awful, sure–but we’d still have South Carolina. It’s not like we need ’em both, anyway; in a pinch, we could make do with just one Carolina.

Why I shun the Champs Elysees ~ Because it’s infested with Frenchmen. Duh.

The 4 Dangers Destroying Men ~ 1) Women, 2) Ladies, 3) Chicks, and in the case of gay men, 4) Gal Pals.

Restaurant Report: Chinese buffet facing violations ~ Well, if it met health and safety standards, it just wouldn’t be a Chinese buffet, now would it?

“Taste Just Like Chicken!”

5 simple things a tired mama wants for Christmas ~ Baby, I got everything you need right here in my pants–it’s a gift certificate for the day spa. You’re so special!

LBJ’s reaction to JFK’s death ~ “Hah! We got that son of a bitch!”

What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.

Cheney Feared Terrorists Could Hack His Heart ~ Are you reading this, Hamid?

Suzanne Somers is having sex — and a lot of it ~ Titillating is to disgusting as 1981 is to 2014.

Figure skating champ Boitano says he’s gay ~ It’s hard to say how this stunning revelation will play out in the hyper-masculine world of men’s figure skating.

It May Not Be This Year, Or Even The Next, But Someday Men’s Figure Skating Will Have To Embrace Tolerance.

Whether you like it or not, the U.S. needs Mexico ~ It’s like the pretty girl who brings her ugly friend to parties.

Iran says all sides agree to N-deal ~ But still, no one can actually bring themselves to say the N-Word.

Erich Priebke, Nazi Who Carried Out Massacre of 335 Italians, Dies at 100 ~ Hopefully this will put it in perspective for you: God doesn’t care about Italians.

Am I Bankrupting Social Security by Taking Benefits I May Not Need? ~ Heavens, no! Cowardly politicians are bankrupting it by refusing to address it in any meaningful way.

Woman’s Husband Told Her She’s Not Pretty Enough ~ Still looking for the last honest man?

You Won’t Believe the Jobs Walmart Is Creating ~ Shitty ones.

Well, How Can You Be Trusted To Help Me When You Can’t Be Trusted To Make Sound Career Choices?

Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Adam Jones, Afghanistan, Alaska, Andrea Barber, Argentina, Ashley Tisdale, Brazil, Cambodia, Chechnya, China, chubby chasers, dope, Egypt, Florida, ganja, Grenada, headlines, hemp, Iraq, Ivory Coast, John Kerry, Kim Kardashian, Kimmy Gibbler, left-handed people, Libya, Lollapalooza, marijuana, Mexico, Miley Cyrus, North Korea, Pakistan, Panama, pot, pr0n, Rangoon, reefer, Robin Thicke, Rome, Rwanda, Serbia, Sri Lanka, sweet sweet cheeba, Syria, the French, Tim Tebow, Vietnam, Vincent Van Gogh, weed, Zetas, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.

***

  • 11 Social Security Mistakes People Make ~ The biggest one is assuming it will meet your post-retirement financial needs. That’s not a joke. That’s free advice.
  • Fla. girl who lost feet in lawnmower accident takes first steps on prosthetic legs ~ She’d better get used to those things quickly; that lawn isn’t going to mow itself.
  • Smaller Testicles Linked with Caring Fathers ~ Also known as ‘mothers.’
  • Health: Why I Would Vote No On Pot ~ “Because I’m a dick!”
  • Kim Kardashian on arrival of new baby girl: ‘Can’t believe it! It’s so crazy!’ ~ It seems nutty to us as well, but since you’re over 21 and haven’t been convicted of a felony, we guess you’re entitled to take that baby home if you want to.

“HHHHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!”

  • Did Robin Thicke’s Wife Confront Miley Cyrus? ~ Oh my God, I’m sure I don’t know and what’s more, I couldn’t care less.
  • Men charged with attempting to bribe judge in Zetas case ~ In Mexico, being charged with bribery means that your bribe was insufficient.
  • New Vincent Van Gogh painting ‘Sunset at Montmajour’ surfaces ~ You really think that’s new? ‘Cause we’re not so sure.
  • Losing a Tattoo, Gaining a Tumor ~ “Oh, you know what? I think I’m gonna keep the tat for right now.”
  • What has Adam Jones been doing since he’s not walking? ~ Well, as you know, he’s been hard at work with his therapist in the desperate hope that he might someday regain the use of his legs. Dick.
  • Two men reportedly punch girl, 11, for Lollapalooza beach ball ~ Sounds pretty shitty, we know–but not to worry, the 11-year-old told us that prior to the assault, she had a ball.

Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

  • Alaska serial killer tied to at least 11 deaths, FBI says ~ Holy shit! That’s like half the state.
  • Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too ~ And she will! Which is the whole reason young men go to college in the first place.
  • TV: What Happened To Kimmy Gibbler ~ I went to college with Andrea Barber, who played Kimmy Gibbler on the odious Full House (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen). You’ll be happy to know that Andrea was a lovely person who went on to have a real life. 
  • AP Analysis: Egypt enters uncharted territory ~ False. Egypt has moved very little in its long history, and it’s pretty well mapped-out.
  • The full-figured fitness instructor ~ Does not fill me with confidence.
  • My daughter took a girl to prom. Why did I let it bother me? ~ Because it’s just one more dashed hope that Dakota will follow in the family tradition of getting knocked up by graduation.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

  • Ashley Tisdale’s Stalker Won’t Leave Her Alone ~ Yeah, but if he did, what kind of stalker would he be?
  • 11 Little-Known Facts About Left-Handers ~ #6 They eat babies. We could have told you that.
  • Having It All Without Having Children ~ Pretty much the only way you can have ANYTHING is to not have children.
  • French sperm count ‘falls by a third’ ~ But it still tastes a lot like Béarnaise sauce.
  • Sorry, men and women probably can’t be friends ~ Do friends have occasional intercourse? Because if so, I think it’s totally workable.
  • Kerry says United States cannot be ‘spectators to slaughter’ in Syria ~ So we’re just gonna change the channel to something a little less ugly, like we did in Rwanda. And Argentina. And Grenada. And Cambodia.  And Panama. And Sri Lanka. And Vietnam. And China. And Serbia. And Brazil. And Iraq. And Ivory Coast. And Libya. And North Korea. And Mexico. And Chechnya. And Afghanistan. And Pakistan. And Rangoon. And Zimbabwe. And Egypt. And Sudan. And Central Africa¹ And Saudi Arabia. And…

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

  • What Your Car Says About Your Personality (You Might Be Surprised!) ~ That you’re a fool who entrusts his sense of self to an inanimate object that cares not one whit whether you live or die. 
  • Hiker lost in the Andes for four months lived on rats and raisins ~ It’s amazing the lengths to which some people will go just to survive. Seriously, raisins are fucking gross.
  • 3 Quiet Museums in Rome ~ Ha! No place is quiet in Rome. Oh. My. God. Those people don’t ever shut up.
  • You Found Your 13-Year-Old’s Porn Stash. What Should You Do? ~ Wash your hands with soap, scalding water and steel wool.
  • Tim Tebow to pursue ‘lifelong dream’ after release by Patriots ~ Gay porn–and lots of it!
  • Iranian officials take to Twitter to wish Jews a happy new year and welcome … ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!!

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

  • Testosterone Trick Leaves Wives Speechless ~ A magic ‘shut-up trick?’ We’re listening.
  • Smile: USA ranks 17th among world’s happiest countries ~ We’d rank higher, but some of those European countries are counting “gay” as happy.
  • Man Arrested for Killing 13-Year-Old Girl Made One Huge Mistake ~ Other than taking the life of an innocent child, you mean. Another huge mistake.
  • She’s fat, and I’m not ~ That makes you a chubby-chaser. There’s nothing wrong with that.
  • Man shot after performing forced fellatio ~ At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just can’t see this happening to me. If a dude ever put a gun to my head and demanded I go down on him, I’d give him the best damn BJ he ever had in his life. Afterwards, he wouldn’t even be able walk, let alone shoot me.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.

Headlines 10.16.12

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

...you never go back, Afghanistan, Al Gore, Al Gore is the political Art Garfunkel, Alzheimer's, Arabs, Barack Obama, beauty pageant, Bush Doctrine, Chelsea Clinton, China, deaf people, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, Egypt, Gloria Allred, grass, headlines, hemp, hippies, Honey Boo Boo, Hosni Mubarak, illegal aliens, Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Marines, MILFs, Mom, Paul Ryan, pot, reefer, Rihanna, seriously--hippies are odious, Somali pirates, Somalia, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Look, We Tried, But She Refused To Take It Seriously. She Kept Wanting To Play Charades.

 

In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.

Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.

Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.

‎A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.

Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?

Because Sexualizing Children Boosts Their Self-Esteem!

Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion? 

Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.

Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.

Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.

Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’

Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.

With No Running Water, Improper Sanitation And Those People, It’s A Safe Bet Everything Smells A Little Bit Like Baked Crotch.

How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.

Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.

Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.

Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.

Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”

Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.

Wait–Isn’t She The One Who Likes To Get Peed On? Shit. We Just Hope The Baby’s Mammalian.

Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.

T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?

Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.

Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…

Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.

Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.

No, We Said It WASN’T Because Of That!

Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.

Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?

LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.

Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!

5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!

“No, If You Say You’re My Son, I Believe You. It’s Just That I Figured You’d Be Better Looking.”

Headlines: The Real Secret Of Our Success

04 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, American Airlines, Anaheim Angels, Barack Obama, Boston Red Sox, breastuses, childish sexual innuendo, Detroit, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, HURRR!, Kanye West, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian, Latinos, marijuana, Mitt Romney, muslims, pot, Prince Harry, prostitution, Rally Monkey, reefer, Serena Williams, Sikhs, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Cruise, Venus Williams, weed

By Smaktakula

He’ll Go Halfsies With You On Gas. But For Your Own Sanity, Avoid The Topic Of Non-Aryan Drivers.

In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.

***

The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.

MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.

TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?

Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”

Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.

Just The Sight Of The Fucking Rally Monkey Sends A Sexual Thrill Through The Collective Heart Of Assface Nation.

Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?

Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.

‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.

Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?

Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.

What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.

If This Is Comedy, Does That Mean It’s Okay To Laugh At Cross-Dressers? Jeez–Sorry, We Were Just Asking.

‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?

Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”

Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.

Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.

If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?

Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.

“HURRRRRRR!”

American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ’em the ‘Air Hags’ now.

Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket –And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!

Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.

“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.

Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.

Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?

Fatty Here Has More Chins Than The Shanghai White Pages.

Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.

Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.

Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!

What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.

Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?

What Will You Use These For After The Kids Are Weaned?

Headlines: 06.29.12

29 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, Australia, Bashar al-Assad, Cher, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, headlines, Home Depot, Kim Kardashian, Michael Bloomberg, New York, porn, RFK, Sirhan Sirhan, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Stonehenge, Syria, the French, TSA, Uganda, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

You Need To Let That One Go, Fellas. Nature Will Sort Everything Out.

Look–you can read the articles if you want, but we get all we need to know from the headlines.

Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.

World’s oldest known pottery discovered in China ~ Archaeologists contend that despite its antiquity, the remarkable find is every bit as lame and boring as modern pottery.

NY man admits to pouring bleach into children’s milk ~ Mayor Bloomberg personally arranged for his release, arguing that at zero calories, bleach was a healthy alternative to high-calorie sodas.

Here’s a Photo of Lightning Striking the Empire State Building Yesterday ~ What a rare and beautiful sight! You know, lightning only strikes the ESB 500 times a year.

Kim K. doesn’t know what ‘virgin’ means ~ To be fair, virginity isn’t something she’s had to worry about since she was nine.

“Am I The One That Likes To Get Peed On? I Can’t Even Remember Any More.”

Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found ~ Forcing the FDA to reevaluate the claims made by the manufacturers of ‘disappearing creams.’

Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls from Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up ~ She was only doing what she thought was right. If they’re under the weight-limit, you’re supposed to toss ’em back.

Attorneys: Sandusky’s adopted son says he’s also a victim ~The kid’s adopted, so at least they can’t throw incest into the mix.

Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?

Looking for Pedro Hernandez ~ Have you already checked the parking lot of Home Depot?

For $9 An Hour And A Big Mac, He’ll Be Anyone You Want Him To.

Porn star claims butt is hers~ No one’s quite figured out how to break it to her that her ass is now public domain.

Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.

Mystery of Stonehenge solved? ~ Most likely not.

French president defends early Afghan withdrawal ~ Yeah, but he’s got a speech already prepared. The French are no strangers to leaving the game before the whistle blows.

Woman gets naked at airport ~ Making the pat-down for the guy behind her very awkward.

We’d Fly A Lot More, That’s For Damn Sure.

Earth Day initiatives becoming commonplace ~ But no less tiresome.

RFK assassination witness tells CNN: There was a second shooter ~ The witness later recanted, confirming that there had in fact been only one shooter. Explaining his confusion he said, “I thought there were two different guys named ‘Sirhan.’ My bad.”

Woman, child survive mauling by cheetahs ~ Seriously impugning the feline’s claim to be the fastest land animal in the world.

Egypt official says election results to be released Sunday ~ The families of election officials to be released Monday.

TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”

The Reward Of Those Who Come Here Is A Burning Impotence And Tears Of Regret.

Promethean Times’ 2011 Person Of The Year: Us Again

30 Friday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 1492, 2010, 2011, 2012, Afghanistan, Amy Winehouse, Arab Spring, Armenian Genocide, Arnold Schwarzenegger, arson, Barack Obama, California, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Cleveland, Code Pink, Democratic Republic of Congo, Democrats, Diana Spencer, Dirk Nowitzki, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, ennui, Fidel Castro, Flower of American Skankhood, Gabby Giffords, gay people, Jani Lane, John Boehner, Julius Malema, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Kardashian, LeBron James, Leslie Nielsen, Lewis County, Libya, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Mayans, Muammar al-Gaddafi, muslims, Nancy Pelosi, narcos, North Korea, Oakland, Occupy, Osama bin Laden, places that suck, Prince William, prognostication, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, puppy-killing, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, Rapture, Republicans, Robert Mugabe, San Francisco, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for us, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, South Africa, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the French, the West, United States of America, Washington State, Zimbabwe

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.

We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this.  We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes.  Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it.  Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.

Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.

Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year.  Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.

Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection.  After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011.  Still, the beloved news journal remains humble.  “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t?  But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that.  Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”

Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character.  2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding.   Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among  the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder.  The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.

Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.

Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet.  The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse.  And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary.  The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.

Fidel's Still Hanging In There.

Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation.  Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West.  Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check.  The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets.  In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.

For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.

The year was momentous for the United States.  Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo.  On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.

The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes.  Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.

America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.

President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of  true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism.  And secret racism.  Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.

The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!

Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration.  The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity.  Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.

Political mores and identities changed more than ever, particularly in institutions such as the US Military.  The US Navy broadened its long and proud tradition of maritime homosexuality by allowing gays to be open about it.  At the same time, former Gay Mecca San Francisco saw its fabulousness eclipsed in favor of dumps like Oakland and Cleveland.  Meanwhile, in Washington State’s rural Lewis County, citizens continued their proud practice of frequent–and flagrantly public–sexual congress with barnyard animals.

For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.

As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves.  Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings.  Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³  Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.

There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.  Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard.  Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever.  The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities.  Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.

It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.

Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore.  In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States.  Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general.  In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State.  And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.

A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.

With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011.  It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged.  Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.

Bravo, Promethean Times.

NEVER AGAIN.

To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:

Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.

The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.

CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.

Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.

Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.

Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.

The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.

This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.

This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.

Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."

¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication.  ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda.  Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia.  That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.

Does It Smell Like Skank In Here?

04 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alliteration, America's dulled cultural palate, attention-seeking celebrities, beautiful women, callipygian women, embarrassing behavior, eponymous product names, it means she's got a nice ass, Katy Perry, Katy Perry's Purr, Kim Kardashian, musky vapors, people who like crap, perfume, sexpots, signature scent, skankery, skanks, Target, the Armenian community at large must be so proud, the Kardashian funk, things stoned people might purchase, unrefined tastes, useless human beings, Wal-Mart

By Smaktakula

Callipygian sexpot Kim Kardashian unveiled her long-awaited signature scent to an eager public last January.  That the ambulatory pair of buttocks would seek to profit from her musky vapors is neither surprising nor particularly blameworthy; that America’s dulled cultural palate has allowed KK to stink up the aisles of Wal-Mart and Target stores nationwide eleven months later is.

Considering The Product's Demographic, It's Most Likely Aimed At Classy Lassies With Expansive Chassis.

As readers of Promethean Times already know, Kardashian is the ninth most beautiful woman in the world.  It is likely for this reason, and not because of the perfume’s quality, that Kardashian’s pungent secretion is so highly prized.

Katy Perry, thought to be the world’s most beautiful woman, has her own signature scent, Purr.  People who like that kind of crap call it “a bewitchingly bold aroma, infused with the twin scents of desperate tears and moist muppet fur.”

Why doesn’t Kim throw an extra ‘K’ word onto ‘Kim Kardashian’ to give the perfume’s name a further level of alliteration–say, ‘Kim Kardashian Kologne?’
Oh, right–Good catch.

A Contemporary Helen Of Troy

18 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

2010 Hot 100, beauty, Britney Spears, callipygian women, Chelsea Handler, cosmetic surgery, crabs, Helen of Troy, Jodie Foster, John Hinckley Jr., Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Kelis, Kim Kardashian, Maxim, MILFs, plus-size models, Raquel Welch, Rihanna, Trojan War

By Smaktakula

Sorry, Chubbsy--You Didn't Make The 2010 Maxim Hot 100. Have You Thought About Modelling Mu-Mus?

In 2010, female beauty is ubiquitous.  It pouts on the covers of magazines, stares down larger-than-life upon  billboards visible from space, and shakes its ass on television.  Braces, liposuction, hair extensions, implants and the like have created a revolution in appearance.

The standard of beauty changes over time.  Raquel Welch would today be forced to work as a plus-sized model if she wanted a career in the public eye.   Rather than rhapsodize about her stunning curves as they did in her day, probably the highest compliment Welch could obtain today would be, “You know, Raquel really knows how to make herself look pretty.  Good for her.”

Today’s beauties are very different–toned, honed and siliconed.  They dance across the public’s eye for a moment and then are gone.  Another difference between old and new beauty: new beauty is disposable.

The media would have us believe that beauty is not in the eye  of the beholder, but instead falls within a rather narrow scale.  Beauty is no longer subjective.

To see whether that’s true, we consulted no less a source than Maxim, the snarky men’s magazine with soft-core aspirations.  We present a few selections from Maxim’s 2010 Hot 100.  Judge for yourself.

#87 Chelsea Handler: MILFy Comedienne.

Only 86 Women On The Planet Are Better Looking.

#56 Ke$ha–Musical Themed Sex Product.

Here There Be Crabs.

#54 Britney Spears: Bloated Punch Line.

Hit The Buffet One More Time.

#9 Kim Kardashian: Callipygous Automaton.

Raise Your Hand If You're A Cultural Carcinoma.

#6 Rihanna: Tomorrow’s Kelis.

No, Bitch. You Ain't.

#1 Katy Perry: Muppet Plaything.

The Most Beautiful Girl In All The Land.

Although beauty itself may be subjective, perhaps we can judge it based upon its effect upon the culture as a whole.  A truly beautiful woman would not be a creation, but rather a phenomenon, like Helen of Troy, whose beauty was said to have launched the Trojan War.

Based on these criteria, Jodie Foster is the world’s most beautiful woman.

"Because No One Shoots The President For Katy Perry."

"HUURRRRR!"

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part I: Twilight Of The Strumpets

25 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, Music, National Events, North America, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

21st Century, AIDS, American Freedoms, anti-skank bigotry, Barack Obama, bigotry, Brazil, Britney Spears, Canada, celebriskanks, China, Co-Ed Sex Tryouts, crazy bald Britney, death by stoning, Europe, Flower of American Skankhood, Girls Gone Wild, India, intolerance, Joe Francis, Kim Kardashian, Lawrence Fishburne, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, man-skanks, Mary Kay Letourneau, Montana Fishburne, Nicole Ritchie, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, Paris Hilton, prudery, sex tape, Sexual Revolution, Shannon Elizabeth, skankery, skankism, skanks, skonkery, skonks, straight-to-DVD, Tara Reid, Thailand, United States of America, Vili Fualaau

By Smaktakula

Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.

The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue.  Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.

The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.

It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric.  During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.

Forty short years later the world is a very different place.  Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether.  India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved.  But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.

Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery.  But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out.  In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.

FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.

Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime.  Now you only get the shame.

Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’  One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released.  But times have changed.  Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press.  The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.

Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.

Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years.  Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis.  Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground.  Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in  no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized.  Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.

Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains?  If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes.  The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.

Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki

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