“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”
Why We Cry on Planes~ Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.
5 comments never to say to someone who’s grieving~ “You poor dear! Look at the mess he left you; no matter how many times you scrub, you just can’t get gray matter out of chintz curtains–Lord knows how I’ve tried.”
What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.
How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.
You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.
***
11 Social Security Mistakes People Make~ The biggest one is assuming it will meet your post-retirement financial needs. That’s not a joke. That’s free advice.
TV: What Happened To Kimmy Gibbler ~ I went to college with Andrea Barber, who played Kimmy Gibbler on the odious Full House (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen). You’ll be happy to know that Andrea was a lovely person who went on to have a real life.
Kerry says United States cannot be ‘spectators to slaughter’ in Syria ~ So we’re just gonna change the channel to something a little less ugly, like we did in Rwanda. And Argentina. And Grenada. And Cambodia. And Panama. And Sri Lanka. And Vietnam.And China. And Serbia. And Brazil. And Iraq. And Ivory Coast. And Libya. And North Korea. And Mexico. And Chechnya. And Afghanistan. And Pakistan. And Rangoon. And Zimbabwe. And Egypt. And Sudan. And Central Africa¹ And Saudi Arabia. And…
Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”
She’s fat, and I’m not ~ That makes you a chubby-chaser. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Man shot after performing forced fellatio~ At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just can’t see this happening to me. If a dude ever put a gun to my head and demanded I go down on him, I’d give him the best damn BJ he ever had in his life. Afterwards, he wouldn’t even be able walk, let alone shoot me.
Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”
¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.
Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.
He’ll Go Halfsies With You On Gas. But For Your Own Sanity, Avoid The Topic Of Non-Aryan Drivers.
In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.
***
The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.
Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”
Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.
Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.
Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.
You Need To Let That One Go, Fellas. Nature Will Sort Everything Out.
Look–you can read the articles if you want, but we get all we need to know from the headlines.
Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.
Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?
Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.
TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”
The Reward Of Those Who Come Here Is A Burning Impotence And Tears Of Regret.
We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.
We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this. We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes. Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it. Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.
Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.
Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year. Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.
Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection. After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011. Still, the beloved news journal remains humble. “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t? But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that. Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”
Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character. 2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding. Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder. The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.
Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.
Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet. The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse. And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary. The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.
Fidel's Still Hanging In There.
Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation. Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West. Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check. The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets. In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.
For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.
The year was momentous for the United States. Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo. On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.
The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes. Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.
America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.
President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism. And secret racism. Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.
The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!
Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration. The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity. Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.
For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.
As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves. Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings. Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³ Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.
There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard. Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever. The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities. Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.
It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.
Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore. In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States. Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general. In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State. And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.
A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.
With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011. It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged. Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.
Bravo, Promethean Times.
NEVER AGAIN.
To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:
Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.
The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.
CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.
Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.
Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.
Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.
The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.
This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.
This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.
Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."
¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication. ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda. Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia. That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.
Callipygian sexpot Kim Kardashian unveiled her long-awaited signature scent to an eager public last January. That the ambulatory pair of buttocks would seek to profit from her musky vapors is neither surprising nor particularly blameworthy; that America’s dulled cultural palate has allowed KK to stink up the aisles of Wal-Mart and Target stores nationwide eleven months later is.
Considering The Product's Demographic, It's Most Likely Aimed At Classy Lassies With Expansive Chassis.
As readers of Promethean Times already know, Kardashian is the ninth most beautiful woman in the world. It is likely for this reason, and not because of the perfume’s quality, that Kardashian’s pungent secretion is so highly prized.
Katy Perry, thought to be the world’s most beautiful woman, has her own signature scent, Purr. People who like that kind of crap call it “a bewitchingly bold aroma, infused with the twin scents of desperate tears and moist muppet fur.”
Why doesn’t Kim throw an extra ‘K’ word onto ‘Kim Kardashian’ to give the perfume’s name a further level of alliteration–say, ‘Kim Kardashian Kologne?’
Sorry, Chubbsy--You Didn't Make The 2010 Maxim Hot 100. Have You Thought About Modelling Mu-Mus?
In 2010, female beauty is ubiquitous. It pouts on the covers of magazines, stares down larger-than-life upon billboards visible from space, and shakes its ass on television. Braces, liposuction, hair extensions, implants and the like have created a revolution in appearance.
The standard of beauty changes over time. Raquel Welch would today be forced to work as a plus-sized model if she wanted a career in the public eye. Rather than rhapsodize about her stunning curves as they did in her day, probably the highest compliment Welch could obtain today would be, “You know, Raquel really knows how to make herself look pretty. Good for her.”
Today’s beauties are very different–toned, honed and siliconed. They dance across the public’s eye for a moment and then are gone. Another difference between old and new beauty: new beauty is disposable.
The media would have us believe that beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, but instead falls within a rather narrow scale. Beauty is no longer subjective.
To see whether that’s true, we consulted no less a source than Maxim, the snarky men’s magazine with soft-core aspirations. We present a few selections from Maxim’s 2010 Hot 100. Judge for yourself.
Although beauty itself may be subjective, perhaps we can judge it based upon its effect upon the culture as a whole. A truly beautiful woman would not be a creation, but rather a phenomenon, like Helen of Troy, whose beauty was said to have launched the Trojan War.
Based on these criteria, Jodie Foster is the world’s most beautiful woman.
"Because No One Shoots The President For Katy Perry."
Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.
The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue. Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.
The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.
It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric. During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.
Forty short years later the world is a very different place. Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether. India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved. But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.
Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery. But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out. In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.
FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.
Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime. Now you only get the shame.
Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’ One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released. But times have changed. Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press. The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.
Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.
Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years. Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis. Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground. Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized. Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.
Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.
Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains? If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes. The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.
Promethean Times 