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...you never go back, Afghanistan, Al Gore, Al Gore is the political Art Garfunkel, Alzheimer's, Arabs, Barack Obama, beauty pageant, Bush Doctrine, Chelsea Clinton, China, deaf people, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, Egypt, Gloria Allred, grass, headlines, hemp, hippies, Honey Boo Boo, Hosni Mubarak, illegal aliens, Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Marines, MILFs, Mom, Paul Ryan, pot, reefer, Rihanna, seriously--hippies are odious, Somali pirates, Somalia, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so stupid?
By Smaktakula
Look, We Tried, But She Refused To Take It Seriously. She Kept Wanting To Play Charades.
In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles
***
9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.
Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.
Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.
A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.
Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?
Because Sexualizing Children Boosts Their Self-Esteem!
Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion?
Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.
Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.
Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.
Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’
Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.
With No Running Water, Improper Sanitation And Those People, It’s A Safe Bet Everything Smells A Little Bit Like Baked Crotch.
How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.
Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.
Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.
Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.
Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”
Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.
Wait–Isn’t She The One Who Likes To Get Peed On? Shit. We Just Hope The Baby’s Mammalian.
Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.
T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?
Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.
Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…
Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.
Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.
No, We Said It WASN’T Because Of That!
Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.
Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?
LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.
Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!
5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!
“No, If You Say You’re My Son, I Believe You. It’s Just That I Figured You’d Be Better Looking.”
Promethean Times 
Dear Lord. You top yourself with each Headlines post, Smak. I had already lost it at the caption about the deaf woman wanting to play charades, but your line about Justin Bieber being a little douche, and the caption about everything smelling like baked crotch at Burning Man, well, they made me weep with awe. Also, you suck for not reading my latest post, where I give you a shoutout.
I do suck, and it’s still in my inbox. I’m a few days behind, which is due to my shitty time-management skills. I just finished a big work project, and then immediately had to launch into the next one, and while my skills are rapidly improving, I’m still raw enough that it absorbs a lot of my attention.
However, the reason your post remains in my inbox is that I always want to give your stuff the attention it deserves (even more so knowing I’m shouted out!).
I know you were just being facetious, but my tardiness in reading my favorite blogs (and there’s really just a few of them) is something I’m not very happy about. It’s not just blogs, either, but contact with friends as well (because I work out of the home I haven’t had to sacrifice time with family). I am a work in progress, and for all the things I really like about myself, my time-management skills are not one of them.
Anyway, sorry to go all serious on you, because I don’t think that’s what you intended, but I just wanted to share with you that I do take it seriously.
And I’m delighted–DELIGHTED–that I made you laugh.
Oh, please stop being so hard on yourself, my friend. Life happens, you know?
You’re very sweet. I don’t think I was being terribly hard on myself, though. For whatever reason, in print, I sometimes come across as really self-flagellating. That’s not the case at all. I don’t spend a whole lot of time beating myself up over stuff. HOWEVER, I try to govern myself by a certain internal set of rules (I want to write “code” but that sounds too macho/gunfighter/samurai to my ears) which demand that faults be addressed plainly, quickly and without excuses.
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
How Could I Live Without Reblogging Smak’s Headlines?! EXACTLY!! I Couldn’t!!! hehehe Gotta Love’em!!!
-BRAD
Thanks, Brad! I always appreciate it, and it’s great to give people a chuckle.
Hahaha! “Piracy boosts the economy in Somalia” — hahaha!
Thanks, SCB!
“Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.”—They’re all funny, but for some reason, that one set me off. And the Al Gore being green thing. Enjoyable, as always. But I often glaze over the really un-PC ones. Makes me feel less terrible for reading and smiling if I do it with one eye closed…
How do you know they’re un-PC if you glaze over them?
I peek with one eye, and then I tell myself I didn’t really see it. 😉
And thanks for the kind words! I’m trying to get to my comments more quickly today, and as a result maybe came off too brusque. It was haste, not malice, I assure you.
I’m impressed you manage to answer them at all. You probably aren’t getting much sleep with your busy schedule.
Love when you do the headlines! Funny as always.
Thanks, FOoW! It’s one of my favorite features, too. I did it for quite a while before it caught on (as much as they have caught on), so it’s gratifying that people enjoy it.
Honey Boo Boo, fat? No way!!!
It came as a shock to me, too. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s this: TV doesn’t lie!
I gotta reblog this one, too many good headlines.
Thanks a lot, DS! I sure appreciate it–and I’m glad I could give you a laugh.
Reblogged this on Doggy's Style and commented:
Let’s read some crucial headlines.
I lost it after reading the baked crotch caption. 😀
I try to avoid all things Kar***, so I could have done without that photo. Someone please stop the clock on that family’s “15 minutes of fame.”
That’s freakin hilarious….LMAO
Now that a KarWTFian has been featured here, please tell me that means they’ve achieved the pinnacle (nadir?) of success and can go away now…
And with this many entries, how would you have time to read all the articles?!?
I am laughing so hard right now! You’re great, Smakola!
damn funny..and so very wrong.
I fucking hate kiddie beauty pageants. There’s a case of plenty of mirrors to see the truth, and NO ONE is really looking. AAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
There’s no reason to turn a six year old into a slut, just give her six more years and she will figure it out all on her own. I hate beauty pageants for any age. A woman’s mind is more important than her looks, IMHO. That and I readily admit- visually I’m no prize. So what?
Agree. You may NOT say you are visually ‘no prize.’ We are all a prize and then, none of us is a prize. Beauty is not skin deep. Beauty is the aura, the way a person conducts her or himself, beauty is an attitude, a smile, a kindness. A good heart. I’d like to see someone put on a contest for that. Ha.
😀
I didn’t win any prizes in the looks lottery is more or less what I meant. 🙂 What bothers me is that so much more emphasis is put on what someone looks like versus deeper attributes. I don’t think it at all healthy to encourage little girls to compete on their looks. They will get enough of that when they get older.
A good heart. I’d like to see someone put on a contest for that
The Borneo Cannibal Cook-Off isn’t televised where you live?
I like the piracy in Somalia one, and I have to wonder why anyone would want to put a “story” about Kardashian and a black baby (oh it was TMZ) to begin with. It deserves ripping into.
The creepy child beauty pagents, the less said… but nice line anyway.
Yeah, some of the headlines I encounter are a little messed up already. I grab ’em wherever I can find them.
Like so many people, I don’t care for kiddie beauty pageants. I’m not a huge fan of adult ones, but whatever. I mean, we reward people for being able to hit a baseball or throw a football, why not reward those folks who won the genetic lottery?
I think the adult ones are more acceptable as they know what they are getting themselves into, or at least should have a better idea. Sexualising little kids though, which is pretty much what kiddie beauty pageants are, just gives me the chills.
No, Bill Clinton sent all the Somalians over from Mogadishu to the northeast side of Columbus, gave them free apartments and health care (that working people can’t afford for their own sorry carcasses) so now they have their own little Mogadishu where they can shoot each other, steal, drive uninsured and over run the HomeTown Buffet, all on the taxpayer’s dime. Like we really needed to import more crime- and like I really enjoy paying for them- but the relatives keep on coming over- and the crime cartel spreads.