2012 Presidential Campaign, 2012 World Series, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, comic books, death by hurricane, death by shark, Detroit, Detroit Tigers, dolphins, fat people, FDR, Geneva, great white shark, headlines, hurricanes, ignorance--it's what we do, Jersey Shore, Joe Biden, left-handed people, Louisiana, Meat Loaf, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, New Jersey, North Korea, polio, retarded, San Francisco Giants, Sandy, slut-shaming, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Switzerland, teachers, unfortunate ways to die, white people, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father
In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.
We lose interest after the headlines.
Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss. ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.
Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”
Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.
Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!
Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.
Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.
Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’
Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.
Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”
Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’
Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”
The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”
Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?
What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.
Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.
Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹
Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal fireworks?
Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?
Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.
6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.
Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”
North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.
Video games can fight obesity? ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.
Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.
In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.
Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.
‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.
VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.
Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.
7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.
Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.
you’ve scalded my eyes with that old lady bikini picture.. thanks for that image now all day! haa funny stuff here
Thanks, UBS! (Isn’t that a financial institution of some kind?) Re the immodest old crone–rest assured that we too are scarred. When you whip out weapons of mass destruction like that, nobody walks away unscathed.
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
Everyone Needs A Good Laugh, Fo SHO, And This One Should Do The Trick Nicely… Or… Well… Not So Nicely… But It’ll Make You Laugh Just The Same 😉 hehehe Gotta Love Smak’s Headlines, Without A Doubt And Fo SHO! hehehe
Thanks, Brad! I noticed the “mean” quotient was a little higher in this one. Maybe that’s because the responses to the headlines tended to be longer than typical–more time to work myself into a lather, I suppose.
Adrienne schmadrienne said:
I’m an ex-smoker and you better believe I can’t make it through playoff season if the Magic make it that far. So by the power of the transitive property, Obama is not making it through the election season without powering through a couple butts (no porno).
I hear you. If I were in such a tight presidential race (and were that the case, it wouldn’t say much about the judgement of whatever party nominated me), you’d find me chopping Nicorette with a razor blade on the back of an old CD case.
Smakola, you are so good at this! I always laugh so hard….and my eyes are scalded, too, from the old lady pic.
I always laugh so hard
I hope it doesn’t sound trite when I tell you it makes me very glad to hear that. You say the nicest things.
and my eyes are scalded, too, from the old lady pic.
And as I said to UBS above, no one walked away from mummy-ass unscarred.
Alex Autin said:
I had so many clever and amusing things to say in my comment…until I saw grandma, then I lost them …along with most of my breakfast and the remains of last nights chicken curry.
Carrie Rubin said:
Loved the ‘Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio’ one, as if Meatloaf’s endorsement is what any candidate needs. Did you ever hear his Celebrity Apprentice rant against Gary Busey? I don’t watch the show, but it was played on every news outlet. Here’s a clip of it. Is worth the one minute view: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBauLAxlEns
What a treat – Meat Loaf going completely ballistic. I thoroughly enjoyed that though I couldn’t help but feel a little for Gary Busey.
Carrie Rubin said:
I know. Poor Gary had a look of, “You mean I signed up for this?”
Doggy's Style said:
Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family.
Thanks for the laugh.
William Miller said:
Oh My God, Granny needs to get the fuck off that beach ASAP. Also, Dolphins in Mississippi? I guess as long as they’re on the whiter side of pale, they’ll be O,K. Otherwise, but they better hope they don’t get pulled over.
Jen and Tonic said:
That pig story happened about an hour and a half south of where I live. I’m never eating bacon again.
I’ve never been a Meatloaf fan in any of its forms. This doesn’t change my mind. And the time to retire a thong is long before 70.
Execution by mortar round is pretty bad ass. Hunter S. Thompson’s funeral looks like a wimpy game marbles.
I think the “Deaf Dolphin” was thought deaf after the team spent hours telling it to swim in a different direction, to no avail.
That Granny in a g-string is the scariestthing I’ve seen all Halloween.
Great selection as always.
Oh I think the little girl is safe on the He-man pic at the top. Type “Is He-man gay” into google for some amusing fan videos.
What’s the matter with white people? Great… The same thing that’s the matter with the rest of the human race, unfortunately…
Oh, if I haven’t mentioned the DNA thing lately? I kind of like that headline – gives me a nice, warm feeling. I actually had mine DNA done and it proves my birth father! It’s C.O.O.L.
El Guapo said:
I wonder if you’ll ever work a batch of headlines into one cohesive story.
Nah, probably not..