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Tag Archives: audiobooks ruin lives

Things Only The Seriously Nerdy Worry About

30 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Philosophy

≈ 38 Comments

Tags

audiobooks ruin lives, definitions of words, First World War, illiteracy is not funny!, misused words, nerds, Why am I so nerdy?, WWI

By Tardsie

And Another Thing: You Know The Word ‘Peruse’ Means To Read THOROUGHLY, And Not Just To Skim, Right? No, You Didn’t.

Man, it really chaps my hide when I’m reading¹ a historical work and the author makes an ambiguous statement like “Many historians agree that the underlying causes of the First World War were rooted…”

It’s like, geez, aren’t you the historian? Take a stand on this one, dude!

I Have Never Pretended To Be Anything But What I Am.

I Have Never Pretended To Be Anything But What I Am.

¹ Or rather, listening. As a functional illiterate, most of my ‘reading’ is done via audiobook, what many audiobook narrators call “the Devil’s Literature.” ∞ T.

My First World Work Woes

08 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Philosophy, True-Ass Tales

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

audiobooks ruin lives, lazy people, real jobs, Why am I so lazy?

By Tardsie

Not If I Can Help It I Won’t.

You may have noticed (or just as likely not) that I’ve been unusually slow in posting, as well as commenting, both here and on other sites. There are several reasons for that. Chief among them are work woes.

Despite signs that the economy might be improving, unemployment continues to be a major problem. Unemployed Americans of all stripes are pounding the pavement in a wearying search for honest work.

However, I am not one of those earnest individuals. In times of old, gentlemen of leisure like myself were labelled “work-shy” or deemed “parasitic layabouts.” Shunned by the upright townsfolk, these poor individuals had no more to look forward to than a life of being  set upon by dogs and small children.

It’s How I Get My Exercise.

Thank goodness our modern sensibilities have allowed us to overcome this hurtful prejudice. I think that being a shiftless unemployable is sometimes the toughest job of all.

I told you recently about my nascent career in porn. As you may know, I started out doing the gay thing. Apparently, my performance was so impressive that the writer offered me another smut job. I was initially excited when he told me this one would be straight. However, perhaps we could all use a little reminder that while straight sex may be more comfortable to some people (e. g., me), some twisted individual can always find a way to make the act degenerate and disturbing. It made me long for a return to some wholesome gay sex. It left me feeling dirty. I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever have recreational sex again.

demotivational poster FETISH

I Can’t Even Talk To My Wife About It.

But here’s where it gets really weird.  I’m a trooper, so after the heterosexual project wrapped, I asked my new contact if he had more work for me.

He did!

“How do you feel about a Christian romance set in the days of the Oregon Trail?” he asks me. “They’re very popular right now.”

“Wait…What?”

Also, for the past three days I’ve been subject to the degradations and humiliation attendant with real work. That’s right–through no fault of my own, I’ve been riding a desk in an insurance office, where I’m expected to wear clean clothes and shoes with laces. My tribulations end today, thankfully.

I know, right? But wait, it gets worse! I’m expected to be there for FIVE hours every day. That’s over a fifth of the day! Then, if you consider that my drive to and from this hellish slave pit is a half-hour each way, making it a grueling six hours I sacrifice to the cause.

In fact, I have to get running. Those tyrants expect me to show up by 10-ish. In conclusion, it’s so very tough being me.

Have a great weekend, folks!

Pray For Me, Friends.

These Golden Tones Are Killing Me

01 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

audiobooks, audiobooks ruin lives, Blondie, California, crushes, Debbie Harry, evolution, herpes, Intelligent Design, it's official!, learning is useless!, madness, ravages of time, regrets, San Jose, Science

By Tardsie

With Which We Have A Relationship Of Sorts. Our Status? It’s Complicated.

After A While It’s Like Fingernails On A Chalkboard

Can a man be driven mad by nothing more than the ceaseless sound of his own voice? We’ll let you know, but our working hypothesis is “yes.”

shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup

***

Regrets For A Life Not Really Lived

People say that the things you really regret  in life are not those that you do, but rather the things you don’t do.

Maybe. But tell that to the bright young professional who has to go to work every day with a herpes sore on her eyelid.

***

Why Growing Up Is A Pyrrhic Victory

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to see Blondie in concert in San Jose, California. When I was a kid, I had a major crush on Debbie Harry, the band’s lead singer. It’s sort of a comedown to realize that now, when I’d have at least a decent shot at having her, it’s most likely not worth the effort.

Whereas–Let’s Face It–I’d Have No Shot With This Version.

***

Time Wasted On The Creation/Evolution Debate

What with a national election and other impending crises, the Evolution vs. Intelligent Design debate has fortunately simmered down. The argument, which pits religious fundamentalism against science has raged for years in America’s heartland.

What gets lost in all the posturing and soul-shaking is that it doesn’t really matter. Unless you grow up to be a geologist, a thorough knowledge of earth-science will have even less bearing on the day-to-day workings of your real life than algebra.  And if you are a geologist, then you went to college where they straightened all that shit out.

It Did, At Least, Give Us The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

***

On Joy Killers

I’ve never understood why some people like to stomp down another person’s joy. From the rotten little shit who shatters the Santa Claus myth to militant atheists who’d rather be right than happy, don’t people have better uses for their time than to try to make somebody else’s life as empty as their own? Ultimately, does it do you any good to let the dude with four yellowing teeth and the “No Fat Chicks” hat know that pro-wrestling is fake?

***

Things To Stop Saying

“Officially.” Unless something is truly official (i.e., “intended for the notice of the public and performed or held on behalf of officials or of an organization”), don’t call it that. You and your ex-girlfriend are not “officially” broken up.

However, you and your ex-wife ARE “officially” divorced.

You Thought We Were Lame As Hell–But Then You Saw This.

No Burnout For These Burnouts

13 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

audiobooks ruin lives, burnouts, Information Revolution, lazy people, making excuses, outright lies, stump humping

By Smaktakula

We Meant “Burnout” As In ‘Lazy Stoner.’ No, Whatever This Guy’s Issues Were, He Was Definitely A Do-er.

One of the most paradigm-shifting developments of the Information Revolution has been often cacophonous proliferation of voices on the internet, from all walks of life and from the furthest reaches of the globe. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the blogosphere, where the informed and the uninformed alike have an equal voice and a platform from which they can not only shine the light of truth on the critical issues of the day, but also obfuscate those very same issues through a crippling and tragic idiocy, or simply take the middle path and make a bunch of shit up.

Artful Mendacity Requires Skill, Craftsmanship And Dedication. Truth Demands Only Honesty, And Any Idiot Can Do That.

It would seem there are as many different variety of blogs as there are people. From hard-hitting news to cookie-decorating tips; from photo galleries of painstakingly recreated and exquisitely detailed Smurf villages to erotic furry fan-fiction; from family-friendly stories about alpaca ranching to sites dedicated to poetry and short-fiction set in the world of amputee fetishism (‘stump humping’).

The Vagaries Of Human Sexuality Are Baffling, But Believe It Or Not, Some People Find Images Like This To Be Amputitillating.

But for all their variety, blogs can really be summed up into two very distinct categories: those which quickly peter out and those which don’t. All things end, but some things end earlier than others, and while everyone has something to say, it seems most people don’t have all that much. Usually these blogs simply end, with the mystery blogger sinking back into the vast anonymous internet soup from which he was first spawned. Occasionally, however, the soon-to-be-ex-blogger will post a final apologetic note blaming burnout.

This is not one of those posts. Don’t worry–as my high school teachers so often sought to remind me, I’m going nowhere.

We Don’t Plan To.

Lately I haven’t been around as much as I’d like. I’ve had to slightly reduce the frequency of my posts (which you probably haven’t noticed) and have been even more tardy than usual about reading and commenting on other sites (which you likely have). Friends, it’s not you, it’s me.

Don’t Get Excited Folks; We’re Not Going Anywhere.

Although I have on many occasions been described unflatteringly as a burnout, the unquenchable fountain of wrong-headed ideas still burbles implacably in the recesses of my brain, demanding that I give it voice. Moreover, with the precarious state of world affairs, it is no exaggeration to say that humanity more than ever needs Promethean Times’ unwavering message of positivity and love.

We’re Boiling Over With Hot, Sticky Affection. Is It So Wrong That We Want To Share It With You?

I understand this awesome responsibility, and take it seriously. However, as some of you already know, some career goals toward which I have been working over the past two years have begun rapidly to bear fruit, which has proved an unexpected (although by no means unwelcome) distraction. While it’s true that I am a man of a great many enviable talents, time-management is not among these, and has further confounded my efforts to engage with the greater blogging community.

Yeah, In The Same Way Smart People Love The Illiterate Folks Who Fry Up Their Burgers.

Since I don’t plan to go anywhere, you may wonder why I mention this at all. You’ll still see regular posts on Promethean Times, and although I’ll continue to be among the last to comment both here and on other sites, you’ll still see me hanging around your blogs like a pervert skulking behind the elementary school at 3:00 PM.  The reason I’m telling you this now is so that I can stop fucking apologizing for my late comments.

Much love.

You May Not See Us Around Quite As Much, But We See You. And When You Least Expect It, We’ll Reach Out To Touch You In A Very Personal Way.

When Your Day Is Gray And Full Of Suck

16 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Entertainment, Religion

≈ 43 Comments

Tags

audio posts, audiobooks ruin lives, Reverend Hubris B. Buchanan, skanks

By Smaktakula

Lucky You! You Get To Hear What We Sound Like In Real Life. Sorta.

Oh boy–are you guys in for a treat! We’ve enlisted the services of the Rev. Hubris B. Buchanan, author of such books as San Francisco: The New Gomorrah and The Fiery Pits of Hell: Why You’ll End Up There, to make a very special announcement about upcoming PT features.

The following audio file is NSFW. Not for any naughty language (yeah, we were kinda caught off-guard by that as well), but for the very real possibility that anyone who catches you listening to it will most likely think you’re insane.

https://prometheantimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/hubris-announcement.mp3

Although Reverend Buchanan Has Also Nailed A Skanky Prostitute Or Two In His Time, He Has Yet To Make An Abject Apology.

Deadlines, Or Why I Hate Audiobooks

30 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

audiobooks ruin lives, foolish choices, masochism, Why am I so stupid?, Why God? Why?

By Smaktakula

The Payout From Smaktakula’s Insurance Policies Will Help Next-Daddy Raise His Kids In Style.

Pray that again I never shall find,

Something quite so much a grind.

Task upon toil  for hours untold,

My sonorous voice …

Sorry to break the moment, but I wanted to mention that, since you never get to hear me speak, I do have a pretty decent voice. Old people in particular seem to like it. Go figure.

We’ll just start up again on that last take. And one…two…

My sonorous voice quickly sounds old.

Want to improve your literary health?

Take a volume from atop your shelf.

Rather than listen to someone else suck,

Read a real book you illiterate fuck!

They Ruin Lives!

He’s just foolin’, Spoken Word. You know he loves you.  ∞ T.

PT Classics!

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

audiobooks ruin lives, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism

By Tardsie

Classic Promethean Times–You Love It!

You so lucky!

Smaktakula is staring down the barrel of a loaded deadline, finishing a project which sadly, draws him from his Promethean Times’ duties. As we speak the gifted writer is ensconced–as he has been for the better part of four days now–in his ‘thinking place,’ the filthy crawl space between the outside of his office and the back fence. He says that there, among the cinderblocks and empty paint cans, is the one place he truly feels free.

While an observer from those less cosmopolitan echelons of society (i.e., rubes, yokels, boobs and other halfwits) might perceive Smaktakula’s posture as fetal, this is actually a form of yoga. Smaktakula is focusing his chi by performing the ‘supplicant dog.’

This same cretinous fellow, upon hearing Smaktakula’s vigorous breathing exercises might confuse them for the wracking sobs of a man who understands too late that the fox he has captured is in reality a dragon and now can only wait for the sweet release that will prove his ruin when after tiring of him, the beast devours him whole.

It’s laughable, I know–but people get funny ideas in their heads.

And no, he is not sucking his goddamn thumb! He’s chewing on it! It helps him think. Geez…

Anyway, the upshot of this is that for this week, in addition to one or possibly two new pieces, we’ll be reposting a number of “classic PT” pieces that you probably haven’t seen, but are sure to love. But we really don’t care if you do or not.

You Know We Really Do Care. But Regardless Of What You Tell Everybody, You Like Us Better When We’re A Little Mean.

Seriously, they’ll all be winners. We promise.

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