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Tag Archives: herpes

These Golden Tones Are Killing Me

01 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

audiobooks, audiobooks ruin lives, Blondie, California, crushes, Debbie Harry, evolution, herpes, Intelligent Design, it's official!, learning is useless!, madness, ravages of time, regrets, San Jose, Science

By Tardsie

With Which We Have A Relationship Of Sorts. Our Status? It’s Complicated.

After A While It’s Like Fingernails On A Chalkboard

Can a man be driven mad by nothing more than the ceaseless sound of his own voice? We’ll let you know, but our working hypothesis is “yes.”

shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup

***

Regrets For A Life Not Really Lived

People say that the things you really regret  in life are not those that you do, but rather the things you don’t do.

Maybe. But tell that to the bright young professional who has to go to work every day with a herpes sore on her eyelid.

***

Why Growing Up Is A Pyrrhic Victory

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to see Blondie in concert in San Jose, California. When I was a kid, I had a major crush on Debbie Harry, the band’s lead singer. It’s sort of a comedown to realize that now, when I’d have at least a decent shot at having her, it’s most likely not worth the effort.

Whereas–Let’s Face It–I’d Have No Shot With This Version.

***

Time Wasted On The Creation/Evolution Debate

What with a national election and other impending crises, the Evolution vs. Intelligent Design debate has fortunately simmered down. The argument, which pits religious fundamentalism against science has raged for years in America’s heartland.

What gets lost in all the posturing and soul-shaking is that it doesn’t really matter. Unless you grow up to be a geologist, a thorough knowledge of earth-science will have even less bearing on the day-to-day workings of your real life than algebra.  And if you are a geologist, then you went to college where they straightened all that shit out.

It Did, At Least, Give Us The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

***

On Joy Killers

I’ve never understood why some people like to stomp down another person’s joy. From the rotten little shit who shatters the Santa Claus myth to militant atheists who’d rather be right than happy, don’t people have better uses for their time than to try to make somebody else’s life as empty as their own? Ultimately, does it do you any good to let the dude with four yellowing teeth and the “No Fat Chicks” hat know that pro-wrestling is fake?

***

Things To Stop Saying

“Officially.” Unless something is truly official (i.e., “intended for the notice of the public and performed or held on behalf of officials or of an organization”), don’t call it that. You and your ex-girlfriend are not “officially” broken up.

However, you and your ex-wife ARE “officially” divorced.

You Thought We Were Lame As Hell–But Then You Saw This.

We Noticed: Beauty

30 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

America Ferrera, bad girls, beauty, herpes, Ms. Right Now, nice girls, Paris Hilton, skanks, Smaktakula has been all over America, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever

By Smaktakula

A woman who believes herself beautiful most often is.

Say What You Want, But You Know You Would.

A woman who proclaims herself “Hot” is very frequently a vile skank, and at the very best, Ms. Right Now.

Ms. Hilton Is Excited To Be Promoting HÖR, A Designer Line Of Anti-Herpes Medication.

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Free Stuff

20 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

Charles Manson, childish sexual innuendo, China, free mustache rides, free stuff, Free Tibet!, helpful hints, herpes, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the best things in life are free, Tibet

By Smaktakula

We Certainly Wouldn't Pay Good Money For A Diminutive, Messianic Madman, But We'd Be Fools To Pass Up This Deal.

Folks love to tell you that “the best things in life are free.” There has never been a time when these words were true, and never less so than today. Those who chose to repeat this old canard willfully ignore that even essential items cost money, and that about the only things which still remain free are your first month of service, unsolicited advice and herpes.

This Ad May Be In Error. Last We Heard, China Was Never Going To Give Up Tibet.

Is There ANYBODY Who Thinks This Is A Good Deal?

It Had Better Be Free. We've Never Paid For Pussy In Our Lives.

An Ode To Snooki

23 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

famous for nothing, herpes, Jersey Shore, Nicole Polizzi, Oompa-Loompas, skanks, Snooki, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, untalented stars, Valtrex, what IS the singular of Cheetos?, white trash

By Smaktakula

Snooki's Not Wearing Leather; That's Her Skin.

Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi’s time in the spotlight must soon come to an end. Her fifteen minutes of infamy draws inevitably to a close, as the public’s short attention span casts an obscuring shadow over the stars of yesteryear,  even those–among whom Snooki cannot count herself–with actual talent. However unlikely it may seem now, this braying product of a messy one-night-stand between a Cheeto and an Oompa-Loompa will one day go away.

This is our simple tribute to her.

***

This Is What It Looks Like When A Beach Ball Dresses Up Like Slash For Halloween.

If You Like Mixed Drinks, Why Not Try A Whining Orgasm Or Herpes On The Beach?

Sure, It Comes With A Price, But Sucking Off Every Jon Bon Jovi Impersonator In The Tri-State Area Is A Labor Of Love.

Plus, She Can't Take A Punch.

"HURRRRRRRR!"

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
We’ve got a funny question for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah duss
If you are wise you’ll listen to us
What do you get from being on TV?
A miserly check and a credit or three
Why don’t you try simply curtailing the sex?
Or do you just adore Valtrex?
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no breakouts
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
Since you are greedy you will go far
You will never find happiness
Like the Oompa Loompa give a rat’s ass

The Ballad Of Ron Mexico

20 Tuesday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Dirk Diggler, dog fighting, douchebaggery, herpes, Michael Vick, NFL, porn names, Raw Blow, Rob Lowe, Ron Mexico, Sonya Elliot

By Smaktakula

Lost In All The News About Animal Cruelty Is The Fact That Michael's A Bit Of A Dog Himself.

Perhaps the greatest unintentional porn name after Rob Lowe (say it fast) was coined by controversial dog enthusiast, NFL quarterback and convicted felon, Michael Vick.  Vick’s virile alter-ego was revealed to the world when Sonya Elliot sued the athlete in 2005 for knowingly infecting her with genital herpes.  It turns out that when the superstar quarterback checked into clinics to treat his diseased dick, he did so under the Diggleresque alias, ‘Ron Mexico.’

"What's That Ma'am? You Say You Need A Plumber To Unclog Your Pipes?"

Herpes Horror At Berlin Zoo

08 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

animal husbandry, Berlin, Berlin Zoo, childish sexual innuendo, elephant, Germany, Germany's dark history, herpes, Knut, polar bear, Shaina Pali, Teutons, ursine, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

Cute Little Bugger, Isn't He? Sadly, He's Dead Now.

All is not well at the Berlin Zoo, where recently two high-profile animals have met mysterious–and bizarre–deaths.  This is an embarrassment to the Germans, and a source of concern for animal-lovers around the world

The first casualty was Knut, the zoo’s biggest attraction.  The beloved Polar Bear lived a hard life in his four short years.  He was rejected by his mother at birth, but quickly taken to the warm and accepting bosom of the German people.  Recently, however, fans were shocked when the adorable ursine dove into the moat around his enclosure, never to surface.  The polar bear only a Teuton could love died of what is being called an infection.

Historically, The Germans Have Had A Hard Time Keeping Sentient Beings Alive In Captivity.

Following close on the paws of Knut’s demise came the sad news that another animal had died. Shaina Pali, a six-year-old Indian elephant,  was found dead by her trainer recently when he came to check on her at 7:00 AM.  Autopsy reports showed that she had likely died of elephant herpes, which is particularly pernicious in pachyderms.  The last person to see her before she died was new assistant trainer, Rolf ‘Cold Sore’ Stussenhimmel, who confirms that the creature appeared to be in good health when he last saw her, and moreover was in “a very good mood.”

Shaina Pali Poses With A Shrieking Barn Rat In This Undated Photo.

Hopefully the mysterious animal deaths at the Berlin Zoo will stop with Shaina Pali.  However, even if they do, something not-quite-mended has again been broken, and the German reputation for rigorously upholding the sanctity of all forms of life seriously impugned.

"I See Dead Animals."

Pepperoni, Sausage, Simplex

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, childish sexual innuendo, foul and disgusting things, Gonorrhea Twists, herpes, Herpes Pie, herpes pizza, herpes simplex, pizza, poorly-chosen names, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, Syphilis Whips, the gift that keeps on giving, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

Take a hard look at the image below.  Do you notice anything unpleasant about the sign above the pizza shop?

This Chain Famously Shuts Its Doors For Months At A Time, Only To Appear At Your Door As If By Magic Just As You're Getting Ready For A Really Nice (And Now Hopefully, Understanding) Meal.

Good eye, folks!  Not only does the sign employ a color scheme so vulgar in its crass insouciance to almost defy description, but the antiquated font harkens back to the days of the Silicon Valley Boom, and frankly is a little hard to read.

“So that’s one family size Herpes Pie and four medium Cokes.  Did you wanna take home any Gonorrhea Twists or Syphilis Whips tonight?”

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, Big Bird, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bush 41, Bush 43, Colin Farrell, crabs, David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Elmo, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fred, George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, herpes, heterosexuality, homosexuality, J. Robert Oppenheimer, jackassery, James Bond, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Johnny Depp, Karl Marx, Keith Richards, man-skanks, man-whores, Mick Jagger, misconceptions regarding skanks, Mohandas Gandhi, Morrissey, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pat Sajak, Paul McCartney, People Magazine, Richard M. Nixon, Russell Crowe, Sherlock Holmes, skankery, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, skonk, skonkery, skonks, Slick Willy, STDs, Stephen Morrissey, tabloids, Thomas Jefferson, W, whoredom, William Henry Harrison, William Jefferson Clinton, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Woody Allen, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

Share More Than Herpes With Facebook

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan

By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films.  We can help you here and here.  But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us.  Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew.  We don’t do that.  Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad.  Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm.  Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Genitals Of Jersey Shore Cast Declared ‘Herpes Nest’

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Places, Reality Television, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

fake n' bake, famous for nothing, Flintstones Chewable Vitamins, Goombah, Guidettes, Guidos, herpes, Herpes Nest, Italian Stereotypes, J-Woww, Jersey Shore, promiscuity, reality television, skankery, skanks, Snooki, STDs, The Clap, The Shore, The Situation, unfortunately-named celebrities, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Valtrex, well-known whores, your mother must be very proud

Who knew there could be consequences from living a life without consequences?   

Who knew the thought of the Jersey Shore cast gobbling Valtrex like they were Flintstones Chewable Vitamins would be so disturbing?   

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

What’s The Difference Between J-Woww And A Midget Con Man?  Well, One’s A Cunning Runt . . .Jersey Shore creator hands out herpes medicine to cast ‘like M&Ms,’ says report.   

Smaktakula

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