Tag Archives: bad jokes

Nothing But Punch Lines

03 Thursday Nov 2011

Posted by in Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Once You've Seen This Punch Line, Ours Don't Look So Bad.

The punch lines to some of our very favorite jokes:

  • Because it was dead.
  • Natalie Wood.
  • “Fuck you, Clown!”
  • “I totally know what you mean.  The other night at the dinner table, I meant to say to my wife, ‘Honey, would you please pass the green beans?‘ but what I actually said was, ‘You fucking bitch!  You’re ruining my life!‘
  • Your trashcan’s empty and your dog is pregnant.

He'll Do Right By Muffy. It's Not Like A Frenchman To Renege On An Obligation.

  • “Not rice again!”
  • “Git offa me, Pa!–Yer crushin’ mah smokes!”
  • Really?–Wanna go camping?
  • Mega-sore-ass.
  • “MOOOO!”

Actually, There Are Two Great Jokes With "MOOOO!" As Their Punchline, And One Of Them Is Clean.

  • Not being retarded.
  • You use one to swat the flies swarming around the other.
  • “Coach.”
  • So the guy from Texas says, “Remember the Alamo!” and then tosses the Mexican dude out the door.
  • Smurf cum.

Attempts To Sneak Money-Shot Smurf Past The FCC Censors Proved Unsuccessful, Ending In A Sticky, Embarrassing Mess.

Putting The Italian Army To Good Use

10 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in Culture

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

In Every Possible Sense, These Days Are Long Gone.

Have you heard about the new Italian rifle?

It’s never been fired and only dropped once.

Jokes like this hoary old chestnut have lately fallen out of favor because they tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes.  However, some stereotypes exist for a reason, and although generalizations by nature, are often based on solid experience.

So it is with the Italian Army, whose military prowess is mocked worldwide as less intimidating even than the French, Canadian or Kuwaiti Armies.  The memory of Rome’s mastery of Western Europe, cemented by scarlet swathes of powerful and highly-disciplined legionnaires , is confined to the dim recesses of history. The Italians’ only significant victory in modern times was in 1936 over Ethiopia, and only after suffering a defeat to the African nation in 1896. Moreover, Italy shares the singular distinction of switching to the winning side in not one, but two World Wars.

An Italian ISAF soldier gestures during a memorial service for the six soldiers killed after a suicide car bomb hit a military convoy on the main airport road near the U.S. Embassy, as they prepare to send the bodies home at the military airport September 19, 2009 in Kabul, Afghanistan. Italy suffered its deadliest attack in Afghanistan on Thursday, with about 2,800 soldiers in the country, four Italian soldiers were also injured with sixteen Afghans killed and at least 52 civilians wounded in the attack.

Italian Soldiers React To The News Of A Possible Deployment Against The Girl Scouts.

But much-maligned Italian Prime Minister and orgy enthusiast Silvio Berlusconi believes he has at last found a way for the Italian Army to at least partially redeem its sullied reputation.  For the second time in recent years, Berlusconi is sending troops to Naples to tackle a recurrent problem: garbage.  170 troops and 73 vehicles are being deployed to clean up the plethora of filth in the festering Italian city.

Critics charge that the PM is cynically shoring up votes ahead of the upcoming elections, as well as deflecting from allegations that he habitually retained the services of  a seventeen-year-old Moroccan prostitute.  However, vocal members of Berlusconi’s party disagree, denying that the troop deployment was in any way politically motivated.  Said one, “Naples is a shithole, and the army needs something to do.”

Promethean Times agrees.  Let the rest of the world’s armies fight the rest of the world’s wars; the Italian Army is needed at home.   Plus, there’s the sad but undeniable fact that Italian forces couldn’t even take the Salvation Army, let alone a real one.

Cody Managed To Take Out Five Italian Soldiers Before His Parents Were Called To Take Him Home.

Urinator: Rise Of The Mathematicians

01 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Crime, News, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Please Refrain From Pissing In Public. What Country Are You From Anyway--New York?

If brilliant dirty weirdo Grigori Perelman has taught us anything about the deliciously enigmatic lives of mathematicians, it is that they are brilliant, dirty and weird.  Some recent academic antics from California State University at Northridge handily corroborate this analysis.

"In Old Days, If Professor Wantink Revenge, He Leave Dead Fish In Enemy's Desk Over Weekend. Now Things Gettink So Crazy."

Enter Tihomir Petrov.  Although Petrov’s possible brilliance has yet to be determined, the mathematics professor has most certainly proven himself a dirty weirdo.  He also apparently likes water sports.

"Urinate! But If Your Tits Were Bigger, You'd Be A Ten! Hahahahahahahahah! People Don't Really Like Me."

Petrov had a grudge against another professor in the math department.  Although the exact nature of the disagreement is not known, it is likely among the typical grievances which erupt occasionally among mathematicians, such as the merits of formalism, the validity of infinite set theory or the relative leadership merits of Captains Picard and Kirk.

Whatever the reasons behind the feud, Petrov chose an unusual way of expressing his displeasure: he pissed all over his colleague’s door.  Apparently, the loveless misanthrope enjoyed relieving himself in this way so much that he did it a few more times.

These Two Nobel Laureates Find Themselves The Receiving End Of The Old "Crap On The Walls" Prank.

However, urine-soaked carpet has a peculiar odor, and was quickly noticed.  School officials secretly installed video cameras at the site of the urine attacks, and before long Professor Piss was captured on film draining the main vein.

Petrov faces two misdemeanors for his December shenanigans, as well as possible action from the University.  Whether Petrov is exonerated for his actions or as seems more likely, falls victim to a justice system ignorant of the specialized and insular rites of academic mathematics, the disgusting madman has certainly taken academic pranksmanship to new and exciting levels.

"I'm Doin' #1 Right Now!"

We’re Not Too Proud To Offer ‘B’ Material

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Everywhere You Step, There's Another One. Literally.

We recently downloaded a free iPhone application, the name of which implied the app could identify sexual predators.  We decided to test it out at our local supermarket.

We braced ourselves for the possibility that a few individuals we encountered–perhaps even people we knew–might be sexual predators.  But we could not have prepared ourselves for the degenerate horror into which we had thrust ourselves.  Moments after we started the application, it registered a deviant.  As we moved around the store trying to triangulate and identify individual perverts, the data on the phone showed a dizzying increase in suspicious individuals.

"He's Climbin' In Yo Windows! He's Snatchin' Yo People Up!"

Eventually the data were showing more sexual predators in the immediate area than we could visually confirm, possibly indicating that some were hiding between the rows of food, or perhaps secreted under the flooring or in the back room.  Since the threat posed a greater danger than we were prepared to face, we chose to alert the authorities.

Little Billy's Parents Would Later Tearfully Tell The Police That Chester's Hair Should Have Been A Dead Giveaway.

We were understandably chagrined when the police informed us that the application was a pedometer–a device which measures walking or running distance, and not a pedo-meter, which furthermore, they were quick to point out, does not exist.

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?

What?  They can’t all be winners, folks.