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Tag Archives: New York

Headlines: 09.17.12

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 30 Comments

Tags

adoption, Al Gore, anti-semitism, Appalachia, Baltimore, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chicago, China, ChocoFührer, climate change, comical despots, dope, Electoral College, Frosted Mini-Wheats, grass, headlines, hemp, incest, Islam, Joe Blanton, losers, marijuana, Maryland, Michael Phelps, Mitt Romney, Modern Family, Mormons, morons, New York, NYPD, places that suck, reefer, Robert Mugabe, sea otters, sharks, sweet sweet cheeba, teacher's strike, Waltons, weed, white people, you got a real purty mouth, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!

As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.

***

Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.

Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps?  ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.

The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.

Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!

Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.

A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.

 Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?

Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.

Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.

Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!

The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.

Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.

Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.

Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.

Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!

The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!

Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.

Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.

Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.

Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’

What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A  € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.

Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?

Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.

Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.

If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.

‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.

“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”

Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.

Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.

Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.

Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”

The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.

Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.

A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.

Headlines: 06.29.12

29 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, Australia, Bashar al-Assad, Cher, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, headlines, Home Depot, Kim Kardashian, Michael Bloomberg, New York, porn, RFK, Sirhan Sirhan, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Stonehenge, Syria, the French, TSA, Uganda, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

You Need To Let That One Go, Fellas. Nature Will Sort Everything Out.

Look–you can read the articles if you want, but we get all we need to know from the headlines.

Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.

World’s oldest known pottery discovered in China ~ Archaeologists contend that despite its antiquity, the remarkable find is every bit as lame and boring as modern pottery.

NY man admits to pouring bleach into children’s milk ~ Mayor Bloomberg personally arranged for his release, arguing that at zero calories, bleach was a healthy alternative to high-calorie sodas.

Here’s a Photo of Lightning Striking the Empire State Building Yesterday ~ What a rare and beautiful sight! You know, lightning only strikes the ESB 500 times a year.

Kim K. doesn’t know what ‘virgin’ means ~ To be fair, virginity isn’t something she’s had to worry about since she was nine.

“Am I The One That Likes To Get Peed On? I Can’t Even Remember Any More.”

Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found ~ Forcing the FDA to reevaluate the claims made by the manufacturers of ‘disappearing creams.’

Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls from Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up ~ She was only doing what she thought was right. If they’re under the weight-limit, you’re supposed to toss ’em back.

Attorneys: Sandusky’s adopted son says he’s also a victim ~The kid’s adopted, so at least they can’t throw incest into the mix.

Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?

Looking for Pedro Hernandez ~ Have you already checked the parking lot of Home Depot?

For $9 An Hour And A Big Mac, He’ll Be Anyone You Want Him To.

Porn star claims butt is hers~ No one’s quite figured out how to break it to her that her ass is now public domain.

Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.

Mystery of Stonehenge solved? ~ Most likely not.

French president defends early Afghan withdrawal ~ Yeah, but he’s got a speech already prepared. The French are no strangers to leaving the game before the whistle blows.

Woman gets naked at airport ~ Making the pat-down for the guy behind her very awkward.

We’d Fly A Lot More, That’s For Damn Sure.

Earth Day initiatives becoming commonplace ~ But no less tiresome.

RFK assassination witness tells CNN: There was a second shooter ~ The witness later recanted, confirming that there had in fact been only one shooter. Explaining his confusion he said, “I thought there were two different guys named ‘Sirhan.’ My bad.”

Woman, child survive mauling by cheetahs ~ Seriously impugning the feline’s claim to be the fastest land animal in the world.

Egypt official says election results to be released Sunday ~ The families of election officials to be released Monday.

TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”

The Reward Of Those Who Come Here Is A Burning Impotence And Tears Of Regret.

Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

a very special episode, A-Team, America's inability to say NO, Arnold Jackson, Bad Terminator, boob job, breast implants, bulimia, Celebrity Death Watch, cooze, Cultural Folk Hero, Dana Plato, Diff'rent Strokes, Diff'rent Strokes Curse, drugs, Emmanuel is the Antigary, Emmanuel Lewis, famous catchphrases, famous short people, famous virgins, Gary Coleman, Harlem, Hello Larry!, Johnnie Cochran, jumping the shark, Just Say No!, Kimberly Drummond, Knight Rider, lesbians, Moore, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, New York, Norman Lear, obscure celebrities, Oklahoma, Playboy, porno movies, redemption, Shannon Price, small black actor, soft-core, spank mags, Tötyl Hömö, Tötyl Hömö may just be the best band name ever, Terminator 2, The Facts of Life, Todd Bridges, unremitting virginity, Vanilla Ice, Where Are They Now?, Willis Jackson

By Smaktakula

“Mr. Drummond, I Assure You, Not Only Have I Never Heard Of Something Called A ‘Stinky Pinky,’ But I–OH!”

Diff’rent Strokes proved an instant hit with TV audiences in September of 1978.  The Norman Lear sitcom about Harlem orphans falling into the lap of luxury was anchored by veteran stage actor Conrad Bain, and featured promising child stars Todd Bridges and Dana Plato.  But the breakout star of the fledgling show was an adorably precocious chubby-cheeked Gary Coleman, whose shameless mugging and hilarious catchphrase, Whatchootalkinbout, blurred the line between funny and precious.

For a time, Diff’rent Strokes was a cultural phenomenon.  There were spinoffs both successful and unsuccessful–The Facts of Life and Hello Larry, respectively.  A variety of high-profile guest stars appeared on the set, including Knight Rider and KITT, Mr. T and an only slightly punchy Muhammad Ali.  Nancy Reagan even made an appearance in an very-special 1983 episode, where she made famous the line, Just Say No, which would within a few months completely eradicate America’s drug problem.  It seemed there was no place too remote to escape the ubiquitous images of cherubic Gary Coleman and the rest of the gang.  The future was indeed bright.

When Norman Lear Heard The Story Of The Park Avenue Psycho Who Abducted Two Street Kids As Sex Slaves (Seen Here On Surveillance Video), He Knew He Had A Hit Sitcom On His Hands. He’d Have To Clean It Up A Little First.

But by the time Diff’rent Strokes limped off the air in 1986, things had changed.  The venerable show had outlasted everyone’s expectations, but the cracks were beginning to show.  Cast members left, and improbable new ones were added.  Worst of all, while puberty had done nothing for Coleman’s stumpy physique, it had cruelly robbed him of his last vestiges of cuteness, leaving him a troll.  Even by the time the cameras had stopped rolling, people had begun to whisper about a curse.

THE ACCURSED:

Here The Gang Recreates Rembrandt’s ‘Eternal Virgin Flanked By Skank And Skonk.’

Todd Bridges/Willis Jackson:  Of the show’s three principal child stars, Todd Bridges has fared the best in that he remains alive as of this writing.  In the early 1990s, it seemed almost a certainty that the actor would have been long dead by now.  Life after Diff’rent Strokes may not have been easy for Todd, but it wasn’t boring.

Bridges traces his downfall to the diabolical troika of Sex, Drugs and Dana Plato.  Already an up-and-coming child star by the time of Diff’rent Strokes, Todd was thrust too quickly into a world with which he couldn’t cope.   Todd’s burgeoning crack addiction contributed to his legal problems, including a 1988 arrest for shooting a man while on a drug-binge.  Bridges had both the wherewithal and resources to enlist the aid of Johnnie Cochran, and was able to beat the charges.

Today, it is possible to be optimistic about Todd’s future.  He has been sober for several years, and has made inroads to rebuilding his shattered career.  Todd furthered his redemption in 2002 when he beat the shit out of Vanilla Ice on Fox’s vile Celebrity Boxing.

Todd’s Redemption Song Was The Sweet Stacatto Melody His Fists Played Across ‘Nilla’s Face.

Dana Plato/Kimberly Drummond:  Dana Plato began to unravel a few years before the show took its final bow.  When she became pregnant with her only child in 1984, the show’s producers wrote her out, bringing her back for a few appearances in the final season, including a very special episode about bulimia.  Even before her dismissal, rumors had begun to swirl about possible drug use and difficulties on the set.

It was difficult for Dana to find work, although she found in Playboy a showcase for her newly augmented breasts in 1989.  Sadly, her pre-Brazillian ‘spread’ may constitute the last high point in an existence which would drag on for another ten years.  During this time she would endure a number of personal setbacks–the death of her adoptive mother, abandonment by her husband and losing custody of her son, as well as some legal hassles.  The most embarrassing of these, a video-store robbery, culminated in a 911 caller exclaiming, “I’ve just been robbed by the girl who played Kimberly on Diff’rent Strokes!”

Dana Felt Deceived When She Found That Her Criminal Record, Despite Happening In Las Vegas, Would Not In Fact Stay There.

Dana tried to revive her acting career, appearing in soft-core films and even claiming (although she would later recant) to be a lesbian.  Dana died alone in a Winnebago on Mother’s Day 1999, parked outside her boyfriend’s mom’s house in Moore, Oklahoma.  Almost eleven years later to the day, her son Tyler would kill himself, a second-generation victim of the curse.

Settle Down Now. If A Dead Girl’s Ass Makes This NSFW, Then Your Boss Needs To Learn To Live A Little. That’s All We’re Saying.

Gary Coleman/Arnold Jackson:  Gary Coleman’s recent death is still fresh in the public’s mind.  But the pitiably pint-sized punchline endured much in the twenty-four years between his untimely death and the cancellation of Diff’rent Strokes, and given the heights he once reached, his must have been the most dizzying fall.

Hello?!? It’s 2011; We Don’t Call Them That Any More. The Album Should Be Titled: “The Indian And The Cultural Folk Hero.”

Gary had always had health problems, which along with his medication, contributed to his runtiness.  Then there were the legal troubles with his parents, whom Gary sued for misappropriation of his millions.  Gary was profligate with money himself, indulging his habit for model trains.  Sadly, the tiny has-been never thought to invest his resources into finding a cure for his virginity, which persisted throughout his life.

“Come On, Touch It. Just A Little Touch. Come On, Now–Slap It A Little.” Gary Had Trouble With The Ladies.

Whether it was as a money-lending pitchman, ‘Where Are They Now?’ TV cameo or as viral video laughingstock, Gary always found a way to entertain us.  It seemed that Gary had finally found love in the form of confirmed cooze Shannon Price.  Some experts have claimed that Price was the human personification of the Diff’rent Strokes Curse, or at the very least its dark avatar.  Gary gave her his heart and in return she fiddled while he died, and in what is the greatest indignity of all, never in their several months of matrimony bestowed her marital favors on the virginal troll.

“Your Honor–As My Wife, Isn’t She Supposed To DO Something About My Little Virginity Problem?”

THE UNPUNISHED:

Conrad Bain/Phillip Drummond:  A number of theories abound as to why Conrad Bain, who along with Coleman and Bridges was with the show for its entire run, has been allowed to live for almost 88 years.  Popular explanations for this seeming immunity range from the plausible (“Bain’s Canadianness somehow inures him from the effects of the curse”) to the frankly ridiculous (“The cast members of Diff’rent Strokes aren’t the victims of a hex at all, but rather the twin factors of stardom at an early age and coincidence).  Conrad attributes his longevity to nothing more than pure luck, clean thoughts and a half-pint of his own urine every morning.

This Gang Has A Bright Future.

Danny Cooksey/Sam McKinney:  Whether Danny Cooksey is subject to the curse is a matter of some controversy among Diff’rent Strokes academicians, as the delightful, country-singing moppet only appeared in three seasons after Coleman’s cuteness began rapidly to wane.  However, considering  that those three seasons comprised the show’s pitiful last gasp and that Cooksey was at least partly to blame for the show’s demise, as the introduction of his character marked the veteran show’s “jump the shark” moment, many feel that Cooksey’s continuing existence is an affront to God Almighty.  Since then, the sassy ginger is best remembered for being shoved into a video game by Bad Terminator in Terminator 2.

Danny Cooksey And His Awesome Band ‘Bad4Good.’ Or As We Like To Call Them, Tötyl Hömö.

Housekeepers:  Likewise, the show’s three regular housekeepers, perhaps because none served more than four seasons, also appear to be free of the curse’s effects.

Charlotte Rae, who appeared through the first season as Mrs. Garrett, was miraculously allowed to escape via spinoff.

Nedra Volz, who played the antiquated Adelaide Brubaker, lasted a few seasons.  Her career never suffered, and she died in 2003, well into her ninth decade.

Mary Jo Catlett was the last actress to play housekeeper to the Drummonds.  Like Sam McKinney, her tenure included the series’ sputtering demise.  However, as she was replacing an existing supporting character while McKinney was a new and unpleasant major character, the comparison is not valid.  Catlett has enjoyed a steady, if unremarkable career.

“Killing Willis?” That’s A Bit Extreme. We’d Just Like To Kick Him In The Nuts A Few Times.

THE CURSE IN REVERSE!

Melanie Watson/Kathy Gordon: Melanie Watson is best remembered for portraying the wheelchair-bound Kathy in several episodes.  In one notable appearance, Kathy denies that she is handicapped, and insists instead, “I’m handi-CAPABLE, turkey!”  Melanie, who suffers from a condition called osteogenesis imperfecta, seems to have carved out a nice life for herself, even starting a company to train helper dogs.

So They’re Not ALL Losers, Turkey!

It would appear that the Diff’rent Strokes Curse has run its course.  There will be those desperate few who hold out hope that the curse continue, perhaps branching out to claim performers with a more tenuous tie to the series than had “the big three.”  But wishing fervently for a thing will not make it come to pass.  The grim specter of death has lifted its pitiless hand from those involved with Diff’rent Strokes, and we will have to learn to live with it.

What Might Have Been: So Many Missed Opportunities, Gary. So Many Missed Opportunities.

Everybody’s got a special kind of story/Everybody finds a way to shine,/It don’t matter that you got not a lot/So what?/They’ll have theirs, you’ll have yours and I’ll have mine/And together we’ll be fine.

Heroic Teachers Gone Wild vs. Prudery

15 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Alini Brito, Allison Musacchio, anti-skank bigotry, Benedict Arnold, Brooklyn, childish sexual innuendo, Cindy Mauro, crusty old school board, evil high school janitors, French teachers, girl-on-girl action, Girls Gone Wild, Hi Mrs. Peterson!, Horndog High, Hot for Teacher, inappropriate activity, international language, James Madison High School, janitors, Judas Iscariot, lesbians, lipstick lesbians, New York, one more reason to hate the high school janitor, Penthouse Forum, prudery, skankery, skankism, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, snitches, Spanish teachers, Steve Bartman, tattle-tales, teachers, teachers gone wild, the janitor knows all your secrets, treachery, utopian futures, Van Halen, Vidkun Quisling

By Smaktakula

Van Halen’s Utopian Vision Has At Last Come To Pass.

As if further evidence were needed of the alarming rise in anti-skank sentiment across the globe, more proof comes in the form of a 2009 tragedy in suburban Brooklyn.  Two young women, exemplary educators by all accounts, were publicly humiliated and then cast to the wind by a prudish school board which punished the provocative pair not for any lack of competence, but simply because they were floozies.

November 20th, 2009, began and ended for most people like any other late autumn day in New York.  But for James Madison High School Spanish teacher Alini Brito and French teacher Cindy Mauro, it would signal the beginning of an anti-skank witchhunt that, when the dust cleared, would rob JMHS of not just two, but at least four talented educators.

One’s A French Teacher, For Goodness’ Sake! Of COURSE They’re Gonna Make Out In A Darkened Classroom.

The trouble began for Brito and Mauro when one of the school’s janitors took an inexplicable dislike to the winsome pair.  The janitor’s identity has been withheld for fear that otherwise his name would rightly be counted among history’s perfidious greats, enshrined alongside such icons of infidelity as Vidkun Quisling, Benedict Arnold and Judas Iscariot.

The custodial timebomb’s opportunity for revenge came when he spotted Brito and Maruro in an unguarded moment.  With their students occupied elsewhere in the school and having nothing else to do, naturally, the two language teachers began to shed their clothes and furiously grope one another.  Nothing terribly out of the ordinary–it had been just another school afternoon until the janitor spied the hot polyglots.

It’s doubtful that a definitive explanation of the custodian’s motives will ever be found, although that has not stopped various sources from making the attempt, propounding a panoply of theories–a brain embolism, schizophrenia, the notion that the janitor was just plain evil.  As plausible–even likely–as these theories may be, they will never be able to change the facts of this tragedy nor undo the injustice which, set in motion that day, continues inexorably to the present.

Unlike Baseball Goat Steve Bartman, When The Janitor’s Chance Came, He Dropped The Ball.

We do know that, rather than cry thanks to the Almighty for this one-time Gold Ticket opportunity to man up and acquire carnal knowledge directly from the mouths of these two educators in a sexual schooling straight from the oddly resinous pages of Penthouse Forum–or at the very least continue to lurk in the shadows while quietly pleasuring himself–the custodian was faced with a make-or-break choice and came up short.  The little snitch went and told the school safety officer.

This innocent act of hot hot affection would shatter the lives of the two skanky educators; the school board quickly reassigned the star-crossed pair to separate schools.  But since then, the school board’s aggressive anti-skank pogrom has claimed at least two more victims: Allison Musacchio and Lisa Gutilla.

Musacchio’s ostensible crime was having sex with an underage boy.  The disgraced teacher’s lawyer counters, however, that by time the “victim” left Musacchio’s bed, he was by all accounts a man.

Our Teachers Were Not Nearly So Dedicated. Trust Us.

Gutilla’s case is even more egregious.  The 37-year old physical education instructor’s world was turned upside down when the school board determined that the sexual contact she had been having with a fourteen-year-old girl was “inappropriate.”  There was a time–and not so long ago–when an oddly mannish girls’ volleyball coach whose athletes squirmed under her lingering touch wasn’t an aberration–it was tradition.

The school board’s decision to rob JMHS of these caring, innovative instructors by casting them aside was callous and counterproductive.  In time, with luck and with love, the four will find their respective ways in the world, able to hold their heads high.  But long after their story is forgotten, the poignant lessons of  Brito and Mauro’s daring, doomed love will remain, hanging in the air like chalkdust in a still classroom after the last bell has rung.  Separately these professorial party girls may have taught Spanish and French, but for its brief and shining existence, their hot, groping union showed us all a little something about the international language.

God Speed, You Brave, Brave Women. Believe Us When We Say We Will Think Of You Often And Be Touched.

We would think that two highly educated language teachers could do a better job of hiding their shenanigans.  Is it wrong to expect more from cunning linguists? ∞T.

This Day In Alternate History: Yoko Ono Slain

03 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Entertainment, History, Music, News

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

alternate history, Chad, Cyndi Lauper, death by John Lennon, death by Ringo Starr, drugs, Germany, John Lennon, Mexico, murder, New York, outright lies, Ross Perot, succubi, the Beatles, the woman who destroyed the Beatles, Why God? Why?, wish fulfillment, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

You're Just Giving Us Ideas, Yoko.

Some call it ‘The Day the Music Didn’t Die,’ and for others it is simply ‘Ononacht.’ In Germany the holiday is known as Tag der toten Hexe, and goes by Tiempo de Quietud in Mexico. In Chad it’s a complicated series of clicks. This auspicious date is known by myriad names throughout the world: regardless of what it is called, nearly everyone remembers the event through the same blood-hued image of a deranged, frozen-fish wielding John Lennon beating to death a wailing Yoko Ono.

Proof That No Matter How Powerful Or Talented, When Drugs Enter The Picture, A Man Will Fuck A Tree-Sloth.

New Yorkers will recall how the biting cold which had settled over the city on that December day in 1980 was almost magically dispelled as the happy news began to spread throughout the city: Despised succubus Yoko Ono was dead, beaten about the head and face with some kind of fish–possibly a cod or grouper, and then stabbed twenty-eight times with a glass chrysanthemum. The news that John Lennon was the sole suspect in the slaying was met with little surprise, but much empathy.

The Assault Was Vicious And Unprovoked.

Initially, authorities were reluctant to pursue charges against the legendary singer.  Said a police representative, “We scoured the scene looking for any shred of evidence that Ms. Ono’s demise was simply a happy accident; we had our best men on it. I may have my own feelings on this matter, but the law is very clear: if there’s a dead body, we’re required to find a perp. And since Mr. Lennon was discovered at the scene crouched weeping over Ono’s battered carcass and bathed in her eerie greenish blood, there wasn’t much I could do.”

The Reaction To The News Of Yoko's Death Was Immediate And Unanimous.

Lennon was acquitted after a two-month trial, his legal team having mounted a spirited and successful justifiable homicide defense. Although this verdict proved only slightly controversial in 1981, it is unanimously heralded today, as Ono’s death removed the final obstacle preventing a long-awaited Beatles reunion. Sadly, the Beatles’ comeback album, Still Lettin’ It Be, proved a commercial and critical failure, the majority of which was attributed to Ringo Starr’s drum playing. Today, however, the album is remembered more fondly, particularly as only two of the Beatles remain alive–Ringo died along with Cyndi Lauper in a 1986 murder-suicide pact, and George Harrison was slain two years later by crazed fan Ross Perot.

Banging Yoko Ono When You're A Rock Star Is Like A Rich Dude Buying A Chevy Lumina. Why Would You Do It?

Yoko Ono is  a relic of a horrible and best-forgotten past, who, if she is remembered at all, is known as the Delilah who nearly destroyed the greatest rock & roll group of all time. We can be grateful, however, that she did not succeed, and imagine instead a world where it was Lennon rather than Ono who was slain, and where the shrieking, talentless howler monkey lived on leech-like upon the great man’s legacy. Such a possibility is too depressingly horrible to even contemplate.

That's Just Not A World In Which We Want To Live.

The American Presidential Primary: Giving Shitty States A Voice

26 Monday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

California, electoral votes, Iowa, New Hampshire, New York, places that suck, presidential primary, United States of America

By Smaktakula

New Hampshire And Iowa Have A Lot To Say About Presidential Politics.

With a combined total of 11 (out of a nationwide total of 538) electoral votes, unimportant American States like Iowa and New Hampshire wouldn’t normally have very much say in who wins the US presidency.  That would be like choosing a first-grade teacher based solely on the preferences of the weird kid who eats paste.

Iowans Determine Their Presidential Candidates Via The Caucus.

But thanks to America’s primary process, it’s not just important and worthwhile states like California or New York which determine the leader of the free world, but also cultural black holes like Wyoming, Alaska and the Deep South.  This system, unique among the world’s nations, allows America to refocus its priorities, adding political clout to a state based not on its size or economic output, but on whether or not it produces corn.

It's Not Like Iowa Has NOTHING Going For It; It's The Birthplace Of Fictional Geek Icon Captain James T. Kirk.

"Live Free Or Die?" Well, We Wish We Could Say That We'll Miss You.

KanyOccupy

12 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

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Tags

bling, Central Park, hip-hop, Kanye West, lip-service, New York, Occupy, Sex Pistols, the wealthy are just plain evil, Wall Street, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Hip-hop megastar-cum-supergenius Kanye West lends some sober dignity and political gravitas to the Occupy photo-op.

Kanye, Seen Here Shortly After Landing His Bling-Encrusted Private Jet In Central Park, Wants To Encourage Other Gazillionaires To Follow His Example By Paying Lip-Service.

Don’t know what we want, but we know how to get it. ∞T.

What, You Can’t Pee On Little Kids Anymore?

16 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Music, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

cancer, childish, crude, douchebaggery, foolish choices, golden showers, New York, Olympics, On Golden Pond, Oregon, poor impulse control, Portland, public urination, R. Kelly, Robert "Sandy" Vietze, skiing, smooth move Ex-Lax, Team USA, urination

By Smaktakula

Vietze's Career Is Golden And Smells Of Ammonia.

Talented downhiller Robert “Sandy” Vietze found out too late that when he urinated on a little girl during a flight to New York, he was also pissing all over his once-promising Olympic career.  The elite skier, 18, reportedly traded Olympic gold for a golden shower when he hosed down the sleeping 11-year-old during a redeye flight from Portland.

It Happened Pretty Much Like This.

Although he has been removed from the US Team roster,Vietze will likely escape prosecution because the girl, who was travelling to New York with her cancer-stricken father, is to too traumatized to provide evidence.  She and her family are trying to make the best of this horrifying experience.

When You Wake Amid A Golden Shower, It Can Seem Overwhelming.

Vietze is obviously concerned about that public reaction to the incident not be overblown, claiming that his actions were inadvertent and completely out of character.  The athlete doesn’t want to be painted as irresponsible, explaining that he had no way of knowing that the eight alcoholic drinks he consumed immediately before takeoff would have such a profound affect on his judgement.

R. Kelly Also Likes To Pee On Little Girls, But Unlike Vietze, He'll Make Honest Women Of Them.

The Westboro Baptist Church Pretty Much Hates Everybody

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

bigotry, childish sexual innuendo, Christianity, Claymation, crazy people, Davey & Goliath, death by automobile, death by drunk driving, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, Gay Pride Parade, God Hates Fags, homosexuality, IEDs, Kansas, New York, New York City, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Westboro Baptist Church, Wizard of Oz, yokels

Not Unlike The Protagonists From The Wizard Of Oz, Fred's Got No Heart, No Brains, No Courage, And He's A Little Bitch From Kansas.

In a maneuver of daring doucheness which surprised both their foes and their fringy clutch of boosters alike, yokel commandos from the Westboro Baptist Church staged a brazen assault on America’s East Coast.  The majority of their forces were directed at New York’s Gay Pride Parade, with some held in reserve in the event of a public memorial for Jackass Jackass Ryan Dunn.

Fred's Daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper: You Can See The Crazy Oozing Out Of Her Like Stink From A Dog.

Westboro Baptist, the righteous army of the execrable douchelord Fred Phelps, has gained notoriety in recent years by picketing funerals, most notably those of fallen soldiers and marines.  These Kansan cock-knockers believe that America has strayed from the course intended by the Almighty by failing to lynch outright pernicious elements of society, most particularly homosexuals.  It remains unclear why the Lord of Lords has chosen as His sole prophet a deranged old nutbag from the prairie whose idea of saving souls is waving a placard thanking God for IEDs while screaming incoherently at grieving survivors.  Nevertheless, the indefatigable Clan Westboro is an increasing media presence.

What?!? The Space Shuttle? Why God, Why?

Westboro’s assault on New York City’s Gay Pride Parade is  in retaliation for New York State’s recent legalization of gay marriage, which according to one source close to Phelps has made the preacher “flaming mad, absolutely raging.”  Although the handful of church weirdos who showed up to protest the event were dwarfed in number by the gazillions who attended to celebrate, a spokesidiot for the WBC likened their situation to that of David and Goliath.  She then went on to explain twice that the story of David and Goliath has nothing at all to do with a TV show about a Claymation sissyboy and his talking dog.  She reconfirmed this information in a follow-up interview.

If God Really Hates This Dude, Why Did The Almighty Waste So Much Time On Meticulous Detail?

It is believed that several Westboro operatives remain on the East Coast, planning to disrupt the inevitable memorial to Dunn, which although as-yet-unannounced, most experts believe will have to occur soon before the reality-television clown fades from public’s goldfish-like memory.  Dunn died along with another person last week, in what in other circumstances would be called a murder-suicide, but because it was vehicular has been termed a ‘drunk driving accident.’

Granted, It Was Somewhat Irresponsible Of Dunn To Drive Drunk, Killing Himself And Another Person. But It Was REALLY Irresponsible For Roger Ebert To Suggest That Dunn Might Have Been Drunk Before The World Found Out That He Was.

Given the potential exposure of such a public event, which media outlets like MTV will be only too happy to hijack, the Church has an opportunity to bring their peculiar brand of Christianity to a wider audience.  However, the halfwits who grieve for Dunn aren’t likely to understand how the presumably heterosexual Jackass’ moronic and useless death has anything to do with God hating homosexuals.  The three or four whole-to-partially-witted folks who witness the event are likely to have the same problem.

We Remain Unconvinced That Talking About 'God's Rod' Is The Most Effective Way To Get Folks To Stop Thinking About Man-Sausage.

Urinator: Rise Of The Mathematicians

01 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News, Science

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Tags

academic, bad jokes, brilliant dirty weirdos, Cal State Northridge, California, Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, formalism, immaturity, improper behavior, infinite sets, mathematicians, mathematics, misanthropes, New York, paraphilia, pee, PISS, pissed off, pranks, Professor Piss, revenge, Star Trek, Tihomir Petrov, urinating in public, urination as revenge, urine, urolangia, water sports

By Smaktakula

Please Refrain From Pissing In Public. What Country Are You From Anyway--New York?

If brilliant dirty weirdo Grigori Perelman has taught us anything about the deliciously enigmatic lives of mathematicians, it is that they are brilliant, dirty and weird.  Some recent academic antics from California State University at Northridge handily corroborate this analysis.

"In Old Days, If Professor Wantink Revenge, He Leave Dead Fish In Enemy's Desk Over Weekend. Now Things Gettink So Crazy."

Enter Tihomir Petrov.  Although Petrov’s possible brilliance has yet to be determined, the mathematics professor has most certainly proven himself a dirty weirdo.  He also apparently likes water sports.

"Urinate! But If Your Tits Were Bigger, You'd Be A Ten! Hahahahahahahahah! People Don't Really Like Me."

Petrov had a grudge against another professor in the math department.  Although the exact nature of the disagreement is not known, it is likely among the typical grievances which erupt occasionally among mathematicians, such as the merits of formalism, the validity of infinite set theory or the relative leadership merits of Captains Picard and Kirk.

Whatever the reasons behind the feud, Petrov chose an unusual way of expressing his displeasure: he pissed all over his colleague’s door.  Apparently, the loveless misanthrope enjoyed relieving himself in this way so much that he did it a few more times.

These Two Nobel Laureates Find Themselves The Receiving End Of The Old "Crap On The Walls" Prank.

However, urine-soaked carpet has a peculiar odor, and was quickly noticed.  School officials secretly installed video cameras at the site of the urine attacks, and before long Professor Piss was captured on film draining the main vein.

Petrov faces two misdemeanors for his December shenanigans, as well as possible action from the University.  Whether Petrov is exonerated for his actions or as seems more likely, falls victim to a justice system ignorant of the specialized and insular rites of academic mathematics, the disgusting madman has certainly taken academic pranksmanship to new and exciting levels.

"I'm Doin' #1 Right Now!"

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