Tag Archives: Rome

Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.

***

“HHHHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!”

Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.

How Rome Has Fallen!

09 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

This Is Kinda Like When A Chick Uses A Seven-Year-Old Picture For Her Facebook Profile. C'Mon, We Wanna See What You Look Like Now!

It’s been an awful long time since anyone was afraid of the Italians. In recent history–the 19th, 20th and now 21st Centuries, Italy has stumbled from one embarrassing episode to another–dictators, side-switching in both World Wars and a series of dysfunctional governments have been among the highlights.

If You're Like Most People, This Is What You Picture When You Think Of Italy.

Juxtaposing modern Italy with its historical progenitor brings the problem into sharp contrast. The Romans were true historical badasses, imposing their culture and indelible historical stamp throughout the Mediterranean and Europe, and were brazen enough to successfully campaign for the Vatican after putting to death the only Son of God Almighty. Rome’s might was built around the crimson-clad ranks of the Legion, and displayed in such violent spectacle as the life-and-death battles between gladiators.

Leaning Tower of Pisa

Is This What You've Been Reduced To, Italy?

In today’s Italy, those same proud gladiators and legionaries are but pale facsimiles of their brutal ancestors who revelled in driving their foes before them, wading though sticky rivers of blood as broad as the Rubicon. Now, these ghosts of Rome’s glory haunt the broken ruins so often frequented by tourists, living not as before on the foreigners’ blood and treasure, but on their treasure alone, and that taken not by force, but by begging.

FALSE! Real Italians Don't Understand Percentages.

For those few remaining Italian patriots, the news of grumbling from these walking-tour warriors was a sign of hope. As the fighters, increasingly unsatisfied with their pay, began gathering in groups, more optimistic Italians allowed themselves to believe they would be witness to a sanguinary return to the heady days of yesteryear. However, fortunately for their Mediterranean neighbors, too much time has passed since the storied era of Rome’s glory, and the angry legionaries and gladiators employed the only tactic left in their depleted arsenal: they bitched about it.

Eventually, Germanic Invaders Proved Too Smart, Strong And Good-Looking.

Tardsie: Return To Sender

30 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Tardsie, Where The Hell Are You?

 Oh, happy day!–we’ve just received word from the Shelby County Sheriff’s Department that our beloved Editor-In-Chief, Tardsie D. Bagg, has been found alive–and for the most part well–in Memphis, Tennessee. During our brief and acrimonious phone conversation with the nylon adventurer, Tarsdie explained in greater detail how he was found lying on the grave of Elvis Presley, turned inside-out and smeared with a honey-like substance.

Some Folks Perform The Haj, But Tardsie Goes To Graceland.

Tardsie’s recollection of the days following his last known appearance in Aberdeen, South Dakota, is understandably dim. Disturbingly, Tardsie insists that for the last two or three days, he’s been hiding in the attic of Graceland, playing Connect Four with an aging Elvis while the two of them gorged themselves silly on peanut-butter & OxyContin sandwiches.

This Photo Was Taken Just Moments Before The Grisly Orgy Of Blood And Greasepaint That Left Mr. Chuckles Clinging To Life.

As temporally improbable as such a claim is, you must admit, it sounds like something those two would do.

Thanks To Certain Provisions In The Patriot Act, This Is As Close To The White House As Tarsie Is Allowed To Get.

Tardsie Knows Lots Of Famous People. Elvis Is Just The Coolest.

A Wench Of Easy Virtue On Your Arm, And A Belly Full Of Pills And Mayonnaise. Does It Get Any Better Than This?

Putting The Italian Army To Good Use

10 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

In Every Possible Sense, These Days Are Long Gone.

Have you heard about the new Italian rifle?

It’s never been fired and only dropped once.

Jokes like this hoary old chestnut have lately fallen out of favor because they tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes.  However, some stereotypes exist for a reason, and although generalizations by nature, are often based on solid experience.

So it is with the Italian Army, whose military prowess is mocked worldwide as less intimidating even than the French, Canadian or Kuwaiti Armies.  The memory of Rome’s mastery of Western Europe, cemented by scarlet swathes of powerful and highly-disciplined legionnaires , is confined to the dim recesses of history. The Italians’ only significant victory in modern times was in 1936 over Ethiopia, and only after suffering a defeat to the African nation in 1896. Moreover, Italy shares the singular distinction of switching to the winning side in not one, but two World Wars.

An Italian ISAF soldier gestures during a memorial service for the six soldiers killed after a suicide car bomb hit a military convoy on the main airport road near the U.S. Embassy, as they prepare to send the bodies home at the military airport September 19, 2009 in Kabul, Afghanistan. Italy suffered its deadliest attack in Afghanistan on Thursday, with about 2,800 soldiers in the country, four Italian soldiers were also injured with sixteen Afghans killed and at least 52 civilians wounded in the attack.

Italian Soldiers React To The News Of A Possible Deployment Against The Girl Scouts.

But much-maligned Italian Prime Minister and orgy enthusiast Silvio Berlusconi believes he has at last found a way for the Italian Army to at least partially redeem its sullied reputation.  For the second time in recent years, Berlusconi is sending troops to Naples to tackle a recurrent problem: garbage.  170 troops and 73 vehicles are being deployed to clean up the plethora of filth in the festering Italian city.

Critics charge that the PM is cynically shoring up votes ahead of the upcoming elections, as well as deflecting from allegations that he habitually retained the services of  a seventeen-year-old Moroccan prostitute.  However, vocal members of Berlusconi’s party disagree, denying that the troop deployment was in any way politically motivated.  Said one, “Naples is a shithole, and the army needs something to do.”

Promethean Times agrees.  Let the rest of the world’s armies fight the rest of the world’s wars; the Italian Army is needed at home.   Plus, there’s the sad but undeniable fact that Italian forces couldn’t even take the Salvation Army, let alone a real one.

Cody Managed To Take Out Five Italian Soldiers Before His Parents Were Called To Take Him Home.

Cunning Runt Realizes Babysitter Fantasy

02 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in News

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By Smaktakula

This Crafty Homunculus Devised A Way To Ensure He Was Molested By The Babysitter Every Time.

People said Mark Anthony Richardson, Jr. was stupid.  A loser.  A Do-nothing.  The authorities called him a firebug, and no less than his own mother claimed that her 21-year-old son “lives in a fantasy.”  And yet somehow, this much-maligned misanthrope managed to pull off –literally–one of the cleverest acts of pervertry heretofore seen in America.  But like the similarly-named Roman general of historical renown, Mark Anthony flew too far too fast, and came plunging to earth.* The Oklahoma City man now faces one count of sexual battery and seven counts of outraging public decency.

The plan seemed foolproof.  Mark Anthony responded to Craigslist babysitter postings by posing as a man named David who needed care for his severely autistic adult son, Alex.  Alex still wore diapers, David explained, and would need someone to change him.  Mark Anthony, who stands a Hobbit-like 4’9″, would also play the feeble-minded “Alex.”

The Tiresome Singer Is Culpable For Myriad Crimes, But Babysitter Groping Isn't Among Them.

The unsuspecting babysitters, believing him severely disabled, were happy to oblige the pint-sized pervert, even when he showed up in a taxi at 2:00 AM, naked but for a soiled diaper.  Mark Anthony was nothing, if not committed.

The midget’s ingenious ruse lasted for some time, during which babysitters changed his diapers no fewer than seven times.  Once, on an overnight stay, Mark Anthony was able to cop a feel from his babysitter’s eighteen-year-old daughter.  When the daughter awoke and complained to her mother, she was told that the diminutive groper couldn’t help himself, and to just go back to sleep.  It seemed that Mark Anthony had found the million-dollar secret.

That Mullet Could Not Have Given A Clearer Indication Of What Was To Come.

But beauty is ephemeral, and so too are beautiful things.  Gradually, the babysitters became concerned when Mark Anthony would repeatedly became sexually aroused during the changing, and would sometimes run away, forcing his victims to tackle him.  It was not long before the authorities entered the picture.

The tiny freak’s mother, who spoke to the press on the condition that her name not be used, acknowledged that Mark Anthony–on probation for a 2008 arson conviction–has “some mental disabilities,” and that her son needs to be institutionalized.  She also indicated that she hoped no one would ask how so handicapped an individual, and presumably in her care, could be out at night committing crimes without her being aware.

"Houston, I'm Doin' #1 Right Now!" Astronauts Also Wear Diapers, But For A Different Reason.

The party’s over for Mark Anthony Richardson.  If he is convicted–and given the evidence against him, acquittal is unlikely–the puny creep will be forced to register as a sex offender, and so will end any chance he might have had of repeating his clever acts of ribaldry.  But others, with records as-yet unblemished by sex crimes, may still assume the mantle which has been so rudely torn from Richardson.  In this way, the shrimpy weirdo’s filthy burst of ingenuity should not be viewed in terms of his sad fate, as it is the fate of only one man.  Rather, see his Christ-like sacrifice as necessary to promulgate the Good News of his message.  Dirty little Mark Anthony has struck a victory for us all.

Laugh All You Want. Dressing Like This Makes Smaktakula More Comfortable.

*Icarus.  You’re thinking of Icarus. ∞T.

Meet Tardsie!

30 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Tardsie Has Long Been An Advocate For The Less Fortunate.

Much of the hard work which makes Promethean Times such a magical family experience occurs behind the scenes.  Our small, tight-knit staff is more like a family than a collection of colleagues, with the exception of our copy editor, Arturo, although we are quite fond of him.

If You See Something Fishy In This Picture, You're Right! The Backpack Posing With Mike Meyers Is Actually A Tardsie Impersonator.

At the center of it all is our venerable Editor-In-Chief, Tardsie the Backpack.  Although Tardsie was not the first to helm Promethean Times, it is his vision which guides us today.  When Rodrigo O’Bannon was fired after Promethean Times’ shaky first few months, Tardsie came out of a well-deserved retirement to right the ship.  The impact of his calm leadership on our inexperienced young staff cannot be overstated, and that Promethean Times not only exists but flourishes today is a testament to his influence.

Most People Aren't Aware That Tardsie Was The Stunt-Double For The Runaway Baby Stroller In "The Untouchables."

Tardsie the Backpack spent the majority of his career before coming to Promethean Times as a travel reporter, publishing several travel narratives.  The most famous among these, Travels With Tardsie, catapulted the young backpack to stardom and made him an overnight literary darling.  His out-of-print novel, So Beats The Nylon Heart, met with a warm response, although sales were disappointing.  He worked briefly as an investigative reporter, achieving some success, before being blacklisted for what he calls “political reasons.”

In Dublin With His Pal James Joyce, Of Whom Tardsie Once Said, "He's The Only Irishman I'd Allow In My Home."

Today Tardsie only slightly resembles the brash young backpack who courageously went undercover to expose point-shaving in Special Olympics basketball and who partied with celebrities.  At nine years old, Tardsie has grown contemplative.  Two of this three zippers are long gone, “And the other one’s busted!” he jokes.  “They made me with cheap nylon,” he says, indicating the rupturing seams along his sides.

Tardsie Always Stops At The Memorial When He's In DC. In '67, His Uncle Frederick, A Foot Locker, Was Misplaced In A Saigon Whorehouse, Never To Be Found.

“I don’t regret anything,” Tardsie says.  “Something my dad used to say still resonates with me.  He said ‘Life experiences are like quarters.  You lose both by sitting on the couch.’  I’ve tried to live my life by that.”

Although that advice actually comes from the side of a Jamba Juice cup, we’re sure that the elder Tardsie was indeed a wise bag.

Tardsie Reports On The Italian Elections. He Was Arrested And Briefly Detained For Defacing Berlusconi Campaign Posters.

Tardsie Goes Undercover To Investigate Allegations That Coors Is Made From Horse Piss. It Turns Out It's Supposed To Taste That Way.

Tardsie Successfully Lobbies Pope Benedict XVI To Permit Condom Use Among Rent Boys.

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas. But The Stains Are Permanent.