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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: Catholic sex abuse scandal

Palm Sunday Papal Headlines

24 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Religion

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

Africa, Catholic sex abuse scandal, childish sexual innuendo, death by pope, fanciful notions, headlines, holidays, Palm Sunday, pederasts, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis

By Smaktakula

At Last! A Return To Blood Sacrifice!

In which we remark upon the headlines of articles we haven’t bothered to read, and pontificate upon a pontiff we know nothing about.¹

***

Pope Francis starts first full day as pontiff with prayer ~ He’s the fucking pope–he’s pretty much obligated to start EVERY day off like that.

Your Wife Must Be So Proud.

US Catholics want a younger, more liberal pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet they do.

Survey: Africans ready for African Pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet they are.

It’s Time for a Queer-Friendly Pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet…oh, we get it now–you’re  fucking with us. Good one! Our money’s on the African pope anyway.

There Is No Room In The Catholic Church For Homosexuality (Which We Strictly Interpret To Mean Sexual Relations Between Two Adult Males).

Pope’s Culture Club Masks Conclave Packed With Benedict’s Clones ~ Does this seem to you like a bunch of random words just sorta tossed together?

Which Catholic Church? ~ Ideally, the one that doesn’t bugger little boys.

Is the Catholic Church’s Future in Africa? ~ Unlikely. Africans aren’t any fonder of pederasty than anyone else.

Because Priests Like To Fu…You’re Right–We Should Have Stopped A While Ago. Apologies.

What Lies Ahead for Pope Benedict Post-Abdication ~ Pussy. Fathomless oceans of pussy stretching to the hither and yon, as far as the eye can see.

What? The Former Pope Is An Old Man, And It’s A Scientific Fact That Old People Like Cats. Real Mature, People.

¹And there, friends, is a great example of when to break the “don’t-end-your-sentences-with-prepositions rule.” But generally, try not to do that–it makes you sound dismueducated. ∞ T.

Headlines 06.20.12

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Afghanistan, bizarre sex acts, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, childish sexual innuendo, drugs, Egypt, English, fat people, Florida, Flowbee, gay people, headlines, Honduras, Jon Gosselin, LSD, Miley Cyrus, military coup, places that suck, prison, Rapture, Thailand, toddlers & tiaras, untalented stars, Why am I so fat?, zombies

By Smaktakula

Relax, Nobody’s Dead. They’re Talking About “Any Sensation Whatsoever.”

In which we comment on today’s headlines, without reading the articles.

If you’re like us, you instinctively distrust those pedantic know-it-alls who doggedly insist upon keeping abreast with the affairs of the day. Friends, reading weakens the legs.

***

Nasty, harsh, overcrowded: Life in a Honduran prison ~ Nevertheless, these institutions remain the Honduran equivalent of a 3-Star hotel.

Zombie Hoax Terrifies Florida Town ~ But now that you’ve had your fun, why don’t you leave those poor people alone? After all, your typical Floridian is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Miley Cyrus—Has One of Her New Songs Been Leaked?! ~ No, no. That sound you hear is a leaking hose on the air-conditioner. Reasonable mistake, though.

Friends don’t draw on faces ~ We’re sorry that you never got the opportunity to attend a four-year institution, bro.

Afghanistan gets veto power on night raids ~ Our staunch allies in the War on Terror reason that if raids are conducted during daylight hours, American forces will have a better opportunity to experience Afghanistan’s many natural wonders.

One Of The Most Beautiful Countries On Earth. The Sucky Part Is That It’s Absolutely Crawling With Afghanis.

In Hollywood, an ’80s Moment ~ Adding the word ‘moment’ to another word–say, for example, ‘teaching moment’–lends an added punch of poignancy. It also makes you sound like a precious assweasel. From now on, just let the moments happen.

Vacuum scares adorable kitten ~ There aren’t too many things which strike us as ‘adorable,’ but terrorizing small and defenseless animals is unquestionably one of them.

B6 may help you recall dreams ~ Perhaps, but a sufficient dose of LSD will let you LIVE them.

Defending the Choice to Be Childless ~ People are so judgmental. Listen, for some people, having children is the right choice. Others, however, find just as much satisfaction in being an evolutionary doorstop.

What to do if you’re raising a bilingual child who refuses to speak Spanish ~ Well, you’re not really raising a bilingual child then, are you?

“Man, It’s A Mess In Here! Doesn’t Anybody Clean The Third Floor Any More?”

Pope’s Butler Formally Charged With Leaks ~ (You’re expecting us to go with something along the lines of So the butler REALLY did do it! aren’t you? Har Har. You’ll wish we had, though…) Normally what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican. If the Church has demonstrated anything over the past couple millennia, it is not only the capacity–but also an eagerness bordering on compulsion–to plug little holes.

Preacher: No new rapture date in sight ~ Finally! We thought you’d NEVER realize that the Almighty was just fucking with you.

Team embraces gay athletes ~ Hopefully their brave example will be followed by the rest of the figure skating community.

Affair over for student & teacher ~ Well, we didn’t want to say anything, but Tyfinny-Krystal was starting to look a little long in the tooth.

Ladies–If You Want To Hold On To Your Man, You’ve Got To Think Young!

Missing leg found at sea ~ Yeah, but if even the sharks don’t want it, we’ve got to figure that leg is practically worthless.

How the Military Has Won Egypt’s Presidential Election ~ Pretty much how the military always manages to win elections. It’s not by wasting a lot of time standing around voting, that’s for damn sure.

Old & alone? How about retiring in jail? ~ Right? ‘Cause nothing makes you feel young and loved in quite the same way as does hiding a shiv in your ass-crack.

Dating event bans fat people ~ It wasn’t because they were fat, though–just that their hooves kept marking up the dance floor.

Meet Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend ~ We didn’t catch her name. But listen–if you’ve got $75 and a carton of Virginia Slims, she’ll do this *thing.* We’ll tell you this much: it involves a ring-tailed lemur & a Flowbee, and it’s illegal pretty much everywhere but Thailand.

Yeah, Dignity And A Well-Developed Sense Of Self Are Nice And All, But At The Same Time, You Can’t Squeeze Them And Make Honking Noises.

The One Good Reason To Learn Latin

19 Thursday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, dead languages, Latin, pederasts, pedophile priests, things to discuss when you're being buggered, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

It may be comforting to know exactly what Fr. Cochran is whispering in your ear.

Spare The Rod? That's Not Happening.

Forgotten Author Renounces Ancient Religion

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Mythology, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Anne Rice, Anne Rice will burn in the lake of fire alongside Galileo Galilei and Madonna Ciccone, apostate, bodice-rippers, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, conversion for publicity, crimes against humanity, even werewolves have been ruined, forgotten authors, Hags, heterosexuality, homoeroticism, homoeroticism in vampire literature, Judaism, obscure celebrities, renounces, self-satisfied, stupid shit little girls like, tween romance, Twilight, vampire fiction, vampires

By Smaktakula

Tween Romance author Anne Rice announced recently that she had renounced Catholicism.  This news serves to energize opponents of the Church, as well as to delight the author’s remaining fans, most of whom are all grown up now and just happy to know she’s still alive.               

In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life.               

Rice, whose main contribution to literature has been to purge the vampire genre of its remaining vestiges of heterosexuality, is also said to be privately fuming that her conversion to Catholicism didn’t prove to be the goldmine her agent promised it would.                    

It Would Seem We Have You To Thank For Twilight As Well. Hag.

 

Damn it, Anne–we’ve been through this a million times.  You know I said no such thing–I told you to go with Judaism. 

Archbishop Okay With Honor-Killings, But Draws The Line At Pedophilia

12 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Crime, Culture, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Scandal, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Archbishop of Canterbury, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, hypocrisy, lost all credibility, pedophile priests, Rowan Wilson, Sharia law, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Rowan Wilson, the Archbishop of Canterbury, maintains that the Catholic Church in Ireland has lost “all credibility” over the widespread allegations of abuse by the clergy.

However, the attention-seeking cleric’s credibility has been many times called into question over asinine comments such as his musings that some aspects of Sharia law be incorporated into British courts.

He's Anglican, Not Catholic--Parents Should Not Hesitate To Entrust Their Children To This Man

This Just In:  Apparently the Archbishop doesn’t draw the line at pedophilia–his Self-Righteousness has recanted his statements condemning the Catholic Church.

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Priest’s Holocaust Comparison Deemed Improper

09 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Culture, History, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anti-semitism, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Father Raniero Cantalamessa, free speech, genocide, Holocaust, Holocaust comparisons, hypocrisy, molestation, Nazis, Political Correctness, Ragnarok, real Nazis were pretty fucking awful, Soup Nazi

By Smaktakula

Whose Holocaust is it anyway?

During his Good Friday address from the Vatican, the Pope’s personal preacher likened attacks on the church and the pope to the horrors of the Holocaust.  Paraphrasing a Jewish friend’s letter, Father Raniero Cantalamessa declared,

The use of stereotypes and the shifting of personal responsibility to a collective guilt remind me of the most shameful aspects of anti-Semitism.

Promethean Times deplores this unacceptable Holocaust comparison, which was made even more egregious by the abundance of acceptable Holocaust comparisons from which Fr. Cantalamessa could have chosen.  Instead, he aimed low and chose to invoke this powerful comparison to defend the Church’s response to public anger over its own misdoings.

Something About Global Warming, We Think.

It is imperative that when Holocaust comparisons are made, they are made responsibly.  Responsible Holocaust comparison means choosing an acceptable atrocity or deplorable condition which to compare.  The following partial list of maladies and social ills have been found acceptable for Holocaust comparison:

  • AIDS
  • Racism
  • Global Warming/Environment/Climate Change/Ragnarök
  • Abortion
  • Famine
  • People Without Health Insurance
  • The plight of Native Americans in modern American society.
  • The Palestinian situation (for those who like their Holocaust comparisons served with a little irony).
  • Lastly, in what is generally considered an archaic usage, the Holocaust is sometimes compared to the genocide perpetrated against the Jews, communists, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses and just about everybody else by Nazi Germany in the 1930s and 1940s.

So Is The Whole Thing That The Nazis Wouldn't Give Jewish People Soup? Because We Thought There Was More To It Than That.

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