Category Archives: Music

Headlines 06.20.12

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Relax, Nobody’s Dead. They’re Talking About “Any Sensation Whatsoever.”

In which we comment on today’s headlines, without reading the articles.

If you’re like us, you instinctively distrust those pedantic know-it-alls who doggedly insist upon keeping abreast with the affairs of the day. Friends, reading weakens the legs.

***

Nasty, harsh, overcrowded: Life in a Honduran prison ~ Nevertheless, these institutions remain the Honduran equivalent of a 3-Star hotel.

Zombie Hoax Terrifies Florida Town ~ But now that you’ve had your fun, why don’t you leave those poor people alone? After all, your typical Floridian is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Miley Cyrus—Has One of Her New Songs Been Leaked?! ~ No, no. That sound you hear is a leaking hose on the air-conditioner. Reasonable mistake, though.

Friends don’t draw on faces ~ We’re sorry that you never got the opportunity to attend a four-year institution, bro.

Afghanistan gets veto power on night raids ~ Our staunch allies in the War on Terror reason that if raids are conducted during daylight hours, American forces will have a better opportunity to experience Afghanistan’s many natural wonders.

One Of The Most Beautiful Countries On Earth. The Sucky Part Is That It’s Absolutely Crawling With Afghanis.

In Hollywood, an ’80s Moment ~ Adding the word ‘moment’ to another word–say, for example, ‘teaching moment’–lends an added punch of poignancy. It also makes you sound like a precious assweasel. From now on, just let the moments happen.

Vacuum scares adorable kitten ~ There aren’t too many things which strike us as ‘adorable,’ but terrorizing small and defenseless animals is unquestionably one of them.

B6 may help you recall dreams ~ Perhaps, but a sufficient dose of LSD will let you LIVE them.

Defending the Choice to Be Childless ~ People are so judgmental. Listen, for some people, having children is the right choice. Others, however, find just as much satisfaction in being an evolutionary doorstop.

What to do if you’re raising a bilingual child who refuses to speak Spanish ~ Well, you’re not really raising a bilingual child then, are you?

“Man, It’s A Mess In Here! Doesn’t Anybody Clean The Third Floor Any More?”

Pope’s Butler Formally Charged With Leaks ~ (You’re expecting us to go with something along the lines of So the butler REALLY did do it! aren’t you? Har Har. You’ll wish we had, though…) Normally what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican. If the Church has demonstrated anything over the past couple millennia, it is not only the capacity–but also an eagerness bordering on compulsion–to plug little holes.

Preacher: No new rapture date in sight ~ Finally! We thought you’d NEVER realize that the Almighty was just fucking with you.

Team embraces gay athletes ~ Hopefully their brave example will be followed by the rest of the figure skating community.

Affair over for student & teacher ~ Well, we didn’t want to say anything, but Tyfinny-Krystal was starting to look a little long in the tooth.

Ladies–If You Want To Hold On To Your Man, You’ve Got To Think Young!

Missing leg found at sea ~ Yeah, but if even the sharks don’t want it, we’ve got to figure that leg is practically worthless.

How the Military Has Won Egypt’s Presidential Election ~ Pretty much how the military always manages to win elections. It’s not by wasting a lot of time standing around voting, that’s for damn sure.

Old & alone? How about retiring in jail? ~ Right? ‘Cause nothing makes you feel young and loved in quite the same way as does hiding a shiv in your ass-crack.

Dating event bans fat people ~ It wasn’t because they were fat, though–just that their hooves kept marking up the dance floor.

Meet Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend ~ We didn’t catch her name. But listen–if you’ve got $75 and a carton of Virginia Slims, she’ll do this *thing.* We’ll tell you this much: it involves a ring-tailed lemur & a Flowbee, and it’s illegal pretty much everywhere but Thailand.

Yeah, Dignity And A Well-Developed Sense Of Self Are Nice And All, But At The Same Time, You Can’t Squeeze Them And Make Honking Noises.

Musical History: The New Edition

23 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music

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By Smaktakula

"Now I Am Become Death, The Destroyer Of Worlds..."

Although each was a talented vocalists in his own right, only one member of New Edition would go on to destroy one of the greatest voices in recording history.

Having Formed In 1978, This Edition Hasn't Been New Since JR Got Shot.

Feud With Manson Family Now Officially A ‘Beef’

30 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, Mythology, People, Prison Culture, Relationships, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

Charles Manson: Believes He Has Been Unfairly Depicted As Some Kind Of Lunatic.

Corcoran State Prison, California:  Messianic fantasist Charles Manson is said to be upset with website Promethean Times over some material which appeared on the site.  On August 17th, Promethean Times published an article entitled Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Family Matters, in which Manson was depicted as interpreting a message from the Beatles to mean that one of his followers, or “Family,” should prepare a sandwich for the deranged cult leader.                                   

Manson released the following statement late yesterday:                                    

People talk about Charlie Manson all the time.  They love to talk, talk, talk–and this dude with the ridiculous name ain’t no different.  But let Uncle Charlie share some wisdom with you and clear some things right up:  Charlie is like a dark sun, and his light shines on you, Baby!                                   

Man, it don’t matter how safe you think you are ’cause Charlie’s in here and you’re out there, but already my people walk among you, Piggies.                                

Smaktakula is dead!  He’s dead and doesn’t even know it yet, man!  He was dead yesterday.  He was dead before his parents met–before time began.                     

The people got to learn–they got to learn what happens when you tell lies about Charlie Manson.                               

Okay, in the first place, Charlie doesn’t even like the Beatles.  Man, I don’t know how many times . . .                                    

(Edited for length)                                    

This is the second instance in which Promethean Times and the Manson Family have crossed paths.  The first, an insipid joke juxtaposing Manson Family victim Abigail Folger with Tiger Woods’ former girlfriend Irene Folstrom, is considered something of a nonincident.  The vast majority of Promethean Times readers either missed the joke or didn’t get it.  The 5 readers who got it were in complete accord, finding it hugely unfunny.                         

We Suggest Charlie Carve This Into His Forehead.

From his the security of his vast and well-appointed estate somewhere in North America, Smaktakula said:                                   

We were notified of Mr. Manson’s threats earlier this afternoon by officials at Corcoran.  Smaktakula and the Promethean Times’ staff want to let our readers know that we refused to dignify the spittle-flecked ravings of a sun-starved old man whose formerly shocking excesses have been rendered prosaic by the increasing horrors of the ensuing four decades.                                 

These threats are more pathetic than frightening.  Mr. Manson’s ominous tales about the legions of fanatical acolytes waiting on the master’s word to rise up and begin the great killing are somewhat dubious, when after forty years he still he can’t spell ‘Helter Skelter’ correctly.  That’s right Charlie–it’s got no A in it.  The excess was no doubt due to you already being a complete A-Hole.                       

So, while we are certainly flattered by the attention, we doubt that any morrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr           

death to piggies

healter skelter

                     

goddamnit…still….spelling…it…wro

…
Tell Facebook To Bring You A Sandwich

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part I: Twilight Of The Strumpets

25 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, Music, National Events, North America, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

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By Smaktakula

Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.

The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue.  Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.

The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.

It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric.  During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.

Forty short years later the world is a very different place.  Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether.  India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved.  But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.

Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery.  But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out.  In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.

FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.

Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime.  Now you only get the shame.

Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’  One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released.  But times have changed.  Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press.  The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.

Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.

Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years.  Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis.  Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground.  Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in  no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized.  Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.

Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains?  If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes.  The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.

Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki

Will Pirouette For Respect

24 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Music

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By Smaktakula

Ballet has long been known as both an aesthetic and athletic endeavor, entwining beauty and ability into a single art form.  In its physicality it is not unlike more traditional sports, and in fact requires a great deal more athletic ability than some so-called “sports.”   

Perpetuating The Cycle Of Violence: Someday She Will Do The Same To Her Daughter.

Despite this, the American public has never really gone for ballet.  Like mime or disc golf, ballet lives on through the efforts of a desperately fanatical cadre of aficionados and the largesse of wealthy benefactors.  Ballet’s primary demographic is the legion of nine year-old girls who comprise its base.             

And yet, people seem to understand instinctively that ballet is something to be admired.  It is often employed metaphorically when discussing natural phenomenon, such as the stars or the northern lights, in overblown phrases like “the majesty of the cosmic ballet.”  Even more ironically, the same people who would under no circumstances attend the ballet nevertheless attempt to lend a high-minded importance to football by invoking a comparison to ballet: athleticism as aestheticism.  It has even been used in an attempt to justify silly non-sports like professional wrestling.             

The "Mincing Our Way Into America's Heart" Campaign Was Not A Success.

Although only about 50% of male ballet dancers are gay,* the terms for male ballet dancers–danseur and ballerino–are 100% gay.   However, this only makes ballet a “gay” endeavor by the same logic that says football is a “straight” sport because it’s played largely (but by no means exclusively) by straight men.  Still, it doesn’t help sell ballet to the beer & pork rind crowd.             

Neither is ballet doing itself any favors by continuing to wrap danseurs in flesh-hugging leotards, thereby devolving them into heinous sausage-smugglers.  Juxtapose this fact with the title of the only ballet most Americans can name, The Nutcracker, and it’s easy to see why mainstream America has so far shied away from ballet.             

The Promethean Times Editorial Staff has come up with a slogan which the ballet industry is free to use as it chooses.  We hope it will finally shame Americans into embracing this venerable art form:            

IF YOU DON’T LIKE BALLET

YOU’RE PROBABLY A HOMO!

       

* This statistic courtesy of the always unimpeachable repository of historical record, Wikipedia.   

Jeté To Facebook

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Family Matters

17 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, History, Justice, Music, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

If you ever find yourself forced to make small talk with wacky cult leader and would-be-Messiah Charles Manson, it’s probably best not to mention the Beatles unless you’ve got the time to hang out for a while.

"Can You See It, Man? Can You Dig What It Says When You Take The First Letter Of Each Song On The White Album And Put Them Together? No, Man! It Doesn't Say 'BDGOWTWH MIBPRDWIJ BYMESHL RHSCRG!' It Says 'Get Charlie A Sandwich, And Not So Much Goddamn Mayo This Time!' It Also Says, 'The War Is Coming; Piggies Die!'"

Mark Wahlberg Is Nothing Without The Funky Bunch. Nothing!

13 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, People

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By Smaktakula

There.  We said it.                                     

Marky Mark Wishes He Could Travel Forward In Time To Lay A Beatdown On That Poser, Mark Wahlberg, Like In That Dope New Movie Terminator 2. Except Opposite.

 It seems as if the brash young rapper who once snarled, Money is the thing that I need to fulfill my greed is gone.  Thespian Mark Wahlberg, as Marky Mark now prefers to be called, has reached a level of financial success of which the hungry young kid from Boston and his creepy supernumerary nipple might only have dreamed.    

A life of contentment has erased any trace of the beguiling young star who once brazenly dedicated a book to his own penis.  However, it is doubtful that even the most cynical observer would have predicted Wahlberg’s quiet spiral into soullessness.  In a recent interview, the hollow ghost of his former It-Boy incarnation admitted that he would dust off his negligible hip-hop chops to rap on a Justin Bieber album, if only the hairless hit factory would ask him.                              

Vibrations good like Sunkist/Many wanna know who done this
You did it, Marky.  You did it to yourself.  We were powerless to do anything but watch you fall apart.

Word To Facebook

Eine Kleine Snatchmusik

12 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by in Art, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

Lady Gaga, the intermittently interesting humanoid lava lamp, reveals to Vanity Fair the fecund loam from which, flower-like, her creativity springs.

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone, they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

"Which Is Why I Must Insist That My Gentleman Callers Kindly Use The Servants' Entrance."

This just in: Polk High School JV Water Polo team writes, composes and performs Grammy-nominated rock opera.

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

Everything Suddenly Coming Up Promethean Times

02 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, National Events, People, Relationships, Television

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A Very Special Message From Smaktakula

Much like human papillomavirus in America’s high schools, Promethean Times is pretty hard to avoid these days.                            

Thanks, Formerly Promising 90's Alternative Icon And Cataclysmically-Retarded, Silicone-Infused Temporary Wife! We're Excited Too!

Find Promethean Times At                             

WWW.PROMETHEANTIMES.COM                               

For our elderly or intellectually disinclined readers:  Don’t get excited; the old address will still take you where you want to go.                               

Join the Promethean Cadre on Facebook.                              

Not telling your Facebook friends about Promethean Times is tantamount to admitting you don’t really have any friends.                              

                       

Now that Promethean Times tweets, Twitter is culturally relevant.  Follow Promethean Times on Twitter.             

The cruel remark about not having any friends if you don’t spread the Promethean Gospel applies to Twitter as well, in the unlikely event that there remained any lingering ambiguity.                              

  

"GLEEBUL FUM! Promethean Times. HUURRR..."

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