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Tag Archives: Florida

Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.

***

“HHHHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!”

Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.
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Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: My Racist Cat And The White Guilt She Inspired

18 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Stupidity

≈ 28 Comments

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By Tardsie

You Disgust Us, Ghost.

When I was a boy, my family adopted a black cat during the Halloween Season.¹ I named her Spook. Although  a word meaning ghost or spirit, spook, if you don’t know (and my wife didn’t until I told her this story, bless her heart), is sometimes used as a racist term for black people. There weren’t a lot of black people in my town growing up (and when I say ‘weren’t a lot,’ I mean they were a single family), and I was completely ignorant of the word’s racist connotations.

That is, until my mom moved us to Lakewood, Washington when I was in the 7th grade. Lakewood, at that time an unincorporated are of Tacoma, Washington, is a far more diverse city than anywhere on the Central Coast. We lived in an apartment complex with mostly white neighbors, but also several black families. One such family, a military couple, had a kid my age, and we played together.

But sure enough, when the neighbor family heard the name of my cat, they asked, “Wow. Don’t you think that’s kind of…racist?”

Well, *A Certain Type Of Person* Sure Thought So!

And when I say ‘neighbor family,’ I mean the WHITE neighbor family. My cat’s name made them feel all funny inside.

The black family whose kid I played with? They never said two words about it, and even took care of the cat once when my mom took me back to California to visit my grandma.

The thought I’d like to leave you with is this: Do you think my friend’s parents were able to look past my cat’s name and see intentions behind the bullshit of labels, or do you imagine that they–originally from Florida and New Jersey and born sometime in the Fifties–had just maybe never heard that word before?

Bad Kitty!

¹Thanks the persistent–and most likely apocryphal–notion that black cats are sacrificed by cultists during Halloween, to this day animal shelters often make a special effort to ensure that black cats are adopted into good homes to prevent this. ∞ T.

Headlines 06.20.12

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics

≈ 10 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Relax, Nobody’s Dead. They’re Talking About “Any Sensation Whatsoever.”

In which we comment on today’s headlines, without reading the articles.

If you’re like us, you instinctively distrust those pedantic know-it-alls who doggedly insist upon keeping abreast with the affairs of the day. Friends, reading weakens the legs.

***

Nasty, harsh, overcrowded: Life in a Honduran prison ~ Nevertheless, these institutions remain the Honduran equivalent of a 3-Star hotel.

Zombie Hoax Terrifies Florida Town ~ But now that you’ve had your fun, why don’t you leave those poor people alone? After all, your typical Floridian is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Miley Cyrus—Has One of Her New Songs Been Leaked?! ~ No, no. That sound you hear is a leaking hose on the air-conditioner. Reasonable mistake, though.

Friends don’t draw on faces ~ We’re sorry that you never got the opportunity to attend a four-year institution, bro.

Afghanistan gets veto power on night raids ~ Our staunch allies in the War on Terror reason that if raids are conducted during daylight hours, American forces will have a better opportunity to experience Afghanistan’s many natural wonders.

One Of The Most Beautiful Countries On Earth. The Sucky Part Is That It’s Absolutely Crawling With Afghanis.

In Hollywood, an ’80s Moment ~ Adding the word ‘moment’ to another word–say, for example, ‘teaching moment’–lends an added punch of poignancy. It also makes you sound like a precious assweasel. From now on, just let the moments happen.

Vacuum scares adorable kitten ~ There aren’t too many things which strike us as ‘adorable,’ but terrorizing small and defenseless animals is unquestionably one of them.

B6 may help you recall dreams ~ Perhaps, but a sufficient dose of LSD will let you LIVE them.

Defending the Choice to Be Childless ~ People are so judgmental. Listen, for some people, having children is the right choice. Others, however, find just as much satisfaction in being an evolutionary doorstop.

What to do if you’re raising a bilingual child who refuses to speak Spanish ~ Well, you’re not really raising a bilingual child then, are you?

“Man, It’s A Mess In Here! Doesn’t Anybody Clean The Third Floor Any More?”

Pope’s Butler Formally Charged With Leaks ~ (You’re expecting us to go with something along the lines of So the butler REALLY did do it! aren’t you? Har Har. You’ll wish we had, though…) Normally what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican. If the Church has demonstrated anything over the past couple millennia, it is not only the capacity–but also an eagerness bordering on compulsion–to plug little holes.

Preacher: No new rapture date in sight ~ Finally! We thought you’d NEVER realize that the Almighty was just fucking with you.

Team embraces gay athletes ~ Hopefully their brave example will be followed by the rest of the figure skating community.

Affair over for student & teacher ~ Well, we didn’t want to say anything, but Tyfinny-Krystal was starting to look a little long in the tooth.

Ladies–If You Want To Hold On To Your Man, You’ve Got To Think Young!

Missing leg found at sea ~ Yeah, but if even the sharks don’t want it, we’ve got to figure that leg is practically worthless.

How the Military Has Won Egypt’s Presidential Election ~ Pretty much how the military always manages to win elections. It’s not by wasting a lot of time standing around voting, that’s for damn sure.

Old & alone? How about retiring in jail? ~ Right? ‘Cause nothing makes you feel young and loved in quite the same way as does hiding a shiv in your ass-crack.

Dating event bans fat people ~ It wasn’t because they were fat, though–just that their hooves kept marking up the dance floor.

Meet Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend ~ We didn’t catch her name. But listen–if you’ve got $75 and a carton of Virginia Slims, she’ll do this *thing.* We’ll tell you this much: it involves a ring-tailed lemur & a Flowbee, and it’s illegal pretty much everywhere but Thailand.

Yeah, Dignity And A Well-Developed Sense Of Self Are Nice And All, But At The Same Time, You Can’t Squeeze Them And Make Honking Noises.

Stupid People: Way More Fun Than TV

06 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Morons Make Us Feel Just A Little Bit Smarter.

Today, almost anyone can get himself arrested.  It doesn’t take style, flair or even imagination–with 1% of the US population behind bars, it’s easy to see that getting busted in America is pretty routine.  It’s not surprising then, that when individuals take the extra effort to ensure that their crimes are particularly shameful, we sit up and take notice.  It is with no small amount of pleasure that we present to you the following tales of delightfully dimwitted and debased douchebaggery.

Enjoy!

“Hey Jordy! I Can See Your Trailer From Here!”

Keepin’ It In The Family II: The Cousining

Like all couples, Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks of Rogersville, Tennessee had their share of fights.  But in November of 2011, the two engaged in combat so fierce and bloody that the police were forced to intervene.

In the moments before the melee, the pair had been discussing their relationship.  When Brooks began to affectionately grope Wilson, cooing “I want you,” she rebuffed him, explaining she expected more from their relationship than to simply be a “booty call.”  The fight erupted in earnest when Brooks expressed a desire to keep the relationship strictly sexual, explaining that, as he and Wilson were first cousins, anything more would be kind of icky.

Take Some Comfort That They’re Not Breeding With The Normals.

Bushwhacked!

Megan Barnes isn’t a wealthy woman.  She will never have a huge lawn to keep tight and trim, nor any landscaped topiary to adorn her home.  Despite her obvious disadvantages, the skanky Southern belle prides herself on her personal grooming.

This attention to detail is the most likely the reason that, while driving her vehicle in Cudjoe Key, Florida, Barnes plowed into the back of a pickup truck.  She lost control of the vehicle when she turned over the steering chores to her ex-husband, a passenger in the vehicle.  However, the fastidious floozy provided a reason for her inattention, explaining that she had been on her way to see her boyfriend,  and needed her hands free for the important work of shaving her ‘bikini area.‘

It Just Makes For Easier Access.

A Horror In Blue

Galway, Ireland, the folksy tourist-trap of the Emerald Isle, is typically a friendly town.  Like all Irishmen, from Rosslare Harbour to Portrush, Galwegians are a drunken, cheerful lot.  But a Halloween home invasion has loosed a dark current of fear throughout the city.

One innocent citizen was sleeping off his night’s meal of Guinness and Jameson when he was awakened by an intruder in his bedroom.  To the man’s horror, the assailant was a six-foot tall smurf, who, in a final ghastly indignity, turned out to be drunk and horny.  Although it was revealed to be a case of mistaken identity, with Inebriate Smurf in the wrong home, this news will most likely do little to ease the long-term psychological trauma inherent in such a terrifying episode.

Sometimes Papa Just Needs A Piece Of Ass That Isn’t Blue.

This Day In Alternate History: Casey Anthony Killed In Prison

29 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, History

≈ 4 Comments

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By Smaktakula

She's The Only One Shedding Tears.

Lowell Correctional Institute, Florida: The news of Casey Anthony’s death has been met with worldwide jubilation.  This morning, guards found the 25-year-old murderess lying unconscious in the showers, face down in a rapidly spreading pool of her own blood.  She was later pronounced dead at the prison infirmary.

Anthony was convicted by a Florida court earlier this year for killing her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee Marie Anthony, and was serving the first of eight consecutive life sentences.  Anthony’s crimes were thought especially heinous due to her complete lack of remorse.  The young skank continued her hedonistic partygirl lifestyle long after dumping her daughter’s lifeless body into a shallow grave and then forgetting she ever existed.

Somber Crowds React To The News Of The Murderess' Death.

Investigators have recovered what they believe is the weapon used to murder Anthony, a crude shiv fashioned from a Hello Kitty barrette.  She was stabbed at least 37 times.

Prison officials say they have identified a suspect in the killing.  The accused killer, Joanna “Larry” Belkins, is serving a fifteen-year sentence for armed robbery, and has been placed into solitary confinement while authorities conduct their investigation.

The As-Yet-Unpunished Killer.

Prison representatives contend that their primary focus is swift justice for Casey Anthony.  Said one official who asked not to be named, “We’re making this a top priority.  Of course, with the holidays coming up, we’re a little understaffed, so we’ll probably have to wait until after the New Year.”  When another worker added that there were two guards’ retirement parties planned for January, the representative added, “It’ll probably have to wait until after Valentine’s Day.”

Casey's In A Better Place Now.

‘Alternate History’ means it’s made up, so don’t go calling your girlfriends with the good news just yet. ∞ T.

Burt Reynolds Prepares For Recurring Role As Filthy Homeless Person

19 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, News

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By Smaktakula

Or Just Give Him A Place To Crash Until He Gets Things Together. You Know, Whatever.

Mustachioed 70s fixture Burt Reynolds claims to be surprised to find that his Florida mansion is in foreclosure,  despite not having made a mortgage payment since September of last year.  Times are lean for the toupee-abusing former icon of Me-Generation machismo, whose last tolerable film came during the Clinton years.

Burt Stands To Lose Everything.

There is concern for the actor’s future among those who are closest to Reynolds, such as Kate the Bennigan’s bartender or the kid who deliver’s the former personality’s newspaper.  The fear is that the soon-to-be homeless Reynolds will before long be huddling desperately for warmth beneath an overpass, now that Dom DeLuise‘s couch is unavailable.

"We Have Some Great Times Together, Don't We? I've Got A Crazy Idea, Babe, And I Think We Should Just Go For It. What Do You Think About Maybe Living Together For A Little While?"

Mustache Rides Now $1.50.

Headlines 08.17.11

17 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

. . . If You’re Going To San Francisco, You’re Going To Meet Some Gentle People There . . .


User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, sad-sack–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation.  It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can Twitter Save NASA? ~ Don’t be a child; of course it can’t.

Mother Buried 15 Years Ago Found Alive in Florida ~ Florida in August is its own kind of death.

US women know July 10 is their day ~ Super.  Another important date for us to forget.

First Person: the Sweet Charms of the Ukulele ~ Just what drugs are you on, Tiny Tim?

The Ukulele’s Sole Function Is To Terrify Small Children.

Spectators shout “Killer!” as she leaves jail property ~ No one is sure what Janet Reno was doing there.

Black bear trapped in SLO neighborhood shot dead ~ Tensions are high, and polar bears are advised to stay home after dark.

Mormon leader jailed for life for sex with child brides ~ Life won’t change all that much.  There will still be plenty of sex, only now he’ll be someone else’s baby.

Bachmann’s Church Says the Pope is the Antichrist ~ Pfft.  We say that all the time.

Queen Latifah Says Gay Is the New Black ~ So is Queen Latifah finally admitting she’s, um, black?

Guess Which Greek Island The Ladies Will Be Visiting During Their Vacation?  No, It’s Not Crete Or Corfu. It’s Not Rhodes Or Andros, Either.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against ‘The Greatest Generation,’ go for the hips–they’re fragile.

9 things you shouldn’t say to your child ~  Curiously, they all start with ‘I should have gotten that abortion.’

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Meet Europe’s record-breaking (and cute!) lottery winners ~ Being a lottery winner goes a long way toward making you cute.

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion reasons.

‘Delhi’ Rhymes With ‘Smelly.’ It Should Rhyme With ‘God-Awful Stink.’

Despite priest’s dark past, he was given ample time to find new victims ~ Which is cool, because we believe in second chances.

83-Year-Old Gets Breast Implants to Keep Up With Kids ~ It’s a race to see who can commit the biggest affront to all that is decent and right.

Binge drinking ‘can damage memory skills’ in teen girls ~ It’s ‘judgement’ that teen boys want to affect.  Memory is just gravy.

Prostituted child leaves ‘game’ for good ~ We don’t believe it.  Justin Bieber loves showbiz too much.

“Thass Right, Just Two Bills For This Sweet Piece Of Ass.”

Police: Teen Killed Parents, Hid Bodies During House Party ~ Yeah, but that shit was off the hook!

The history of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ ~ It’s pretty gay, but we don’t like to talk about it.

California Bay Area Mansions Are in High Demand, Due to Tech Boom ~ Wait for the inevitable bust and snatch one up for a song.

What Is ‘Smelly Hair Syndrome? ~ Sounds like a childish euphemism for poontang, which itself is a childish euphemism for cooter.

And Now We See It Everywhere.

FURTHER EXAMPLES OF OUR IRRESPONSIBILITY:

The Lord Not Quite Ready To Forgive Germany

08 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, News

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

It's As If Suddenly God's Favor And Goodwill Went Up In A Cloud Of Smoke.

Back in the early 1990s, it seemed like German tourists in America couldn’t catch a break.  It’s hard to forget the spate of Miami slayings that had America’s German community on edge, and which prompted this publication to propose as a final solution to the crisis the immediate round-up of German nationals so that they could be sequestered for their own protection, and thereby gain a sort of freedom from their troubles through work.  Promethean Times’ calls went unheeded, and eventually the killings died down on their own.

It Can't Have Helped That God Was Watching The 1972 Olympics.

Although a hiatus in the killings was a relief to the governments of both the United States and Germany, the détente apparently proved a provocation for God Almighty.  It seems that Jehovah has recently chosen to singlehandedly renew the anti-Kraut campaign, smiting a German tourist with a bolt of lightning.

German Prices May Be Behind The Almighty's Wrath. According To One Witness, God Said Something About Germany Being "Hella Costy."

German advocacy groups were joined by religious leaders in expressing surprise and dismay at God’s decision to escalate hostilities.  It remains unclear just what the German people could have done that was so heinous as to earn the righteous and implacable enmity of the Lord of Lords.

…

Really?  You think He’s still mad about that?

Look, You Know He Has A Thing For Them.

Happy now, Belgium? ∞T.

Drive Safely When There’s Coke In The Trunk, Kids

05 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by in News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

He's Right To Look Dejected: The Man's A Fucking Idiot.

On June 10th, 2011, a perfect storm of stupidity caught luckless moron Shawn Smith in its pitiless grasp. Smith’s troubles began when his car nearly collided with a police car, leading to a traffic stop.  The cataclysmically-retarded Floridian no doubt regrets the erratic driving caused in no small part by his failure to maintain control of his automobile while engaged in a spirited cell phone conversation and enjoying a delicious chicken dinner.  He likely also regrets the pile of cocaine and the multiple handguns which the cop subsequently found in his vehicle.

Cocaine: It Can Make You Do Stupid Shit.

Not Just Evil–Stupid, Too!

12 Thursday May 2011

Posted by in Crime, News, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

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By Smaktakula

Ibanez Turned A Deaf Ear To Common Sense When He Listened To A Woman With The MethFace.

Bottom-feeding lowlifes Barbara Lee and Marco Ibanez have been arrested after assaulting two men in a Florida nightclub.  Along with a third individual who is a minor and has not been named, the pair proved not only their place among the basest forms of life on the planet, but also that they’re incredibly stupid.

O Is For "Oh My God, I Can't Believe What A Fucking Moron You Are."

The trouble started when Lee spotted two men whom she thought were throwing gang signs at her.  Lee, who is apparently a wannabe gang floozy in addition to being a veteran barskank, flashed her own set’s signs back at the men.  Undaunted, the two men continued with their provocative behavior, seemingly oblivious to Lee’s very overt message.

These Young Men Are Part Of The Community Welcome Association.

Rebuffed by the men in a direct encounter, Lee left the bar, only to return sometime later with Ibanez.  The pair, along with their juvenile accomplice, set upon the victims.  In the ensuing melee, the victims were stabbed several times, and Lee managed to injure a security guard with a broken champagne bottle.  At the very least, however, Lee and Ibanez proved their pride in standing up for their set against provocations by other gang members.

On The Need To Treat The Handicapped With Dignity, Helen Keller Once Said, "Umma Gaaah Urrrrrr Oooooooh Hunna Yaa!"

However, the situation appeared quite differently when it was revealed that the two victims were deaf, and what Lee had interpreted as gang signs was actually just a sign-language conversation between the two men.  In light of these details, Lee and Ibanez were shown to be nothing more than sub-moronic assweasels.

A Little Bit Of Sign Language We All Can Appreciate.