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Tag Archives: hip-hop

KanyOccupy

12 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bling, Central Park, hip-hop, Kanye West, lip-service, New York, Occupy, Sex Pistols, the wealthy are just plain evil, Wall Street, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Hip-hop megastar-cum-supergenius Kanye West lends some sober dignity and political gravitas to the Occupy photo-op.

Kanye, Seen Here Shortly After Landing His Bling-Encrusted Private Jet In Central Park, Wants To Encourage Other Gazillionaires To Follow His Example By Paying Lip-Service.

Don’t know what we want, but we know how to get it. ∞T.

Diddy Unveils Ridiculous New Name

23 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

attention-seeking celebrities, cannabis, Diddy, dope, hemp, hip-hop, jackassery, karaoke, marijuana, mogul, multinominal, overpaid performers, P. Diddy, pot, Puff Daddy, Puffy, reefer, ridiculous names, Schwag, Sean Combs, Squiggy, Swag, sweet sweet cheeba, swiggy, unfortunately-named celebrities, untalented stars, weed

By Smaktakula
P. Diddy pops his collar

"Don't Ever Be Afraid To Let Your Ego Write Checks Your Talent Can't Pay."

Surprisingly, the public is still paying attention to the tiresome karaoke enthusiast (most recently) formerly known as Diddy.  Having followed the minimally-talented showboat through such ridiculous incarnations as ‘Puffy,’ Puff Daddy and P. Diddy, the performer’s surprisingly resilient fan base has demonstrated time and time again an admirable knack for putting up with exquisite jackassery.

This Guy Is Similarly Talented To Swag--He's A Decent Singer, And Once Knew A Big Fat Black Guy Who Liked To Rap.

That resilience is called upon once more as the multinominal mogul satisfies his rapacious and now-comical ego by sucking marrow from the bones of his waning credibility.   In honor of himself, the ex-Diddy has demanded that for the next week he be called by his exciting temporary name: Swag.

No, 'Swag'--Not 'Schwag.'

However, a cadre of techno-savvy fans believe they have solved Swag’s naming algorithm, and can predict the mercurial performer’s next incarnation.  These super-fans are already referring to Swag by his presumed next nom de hip-hop–Swiggy.

"Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose."

We think he should go for a name that rhymes with ‘Swag’–We’ve got a good one ∞T.

King Hammer

23 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, News, Stupidity

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Tags

beefs, Better Run Run, feuds, genie, Hammer Time!, Hellboy, hip-hop, Jay-Z, Kanye West, King Hammer, MC Hammer, Oakland A's, Oaktown, one-hit wonders, Reverend Hammer, ridiculous genie pants, tool-based rap artists, Yapple Dapple!

By Smaktakula

Please, Hammer. Don't Hurt Yourself.

Hip-Hop star of yesteryear MC Hammer is back with a vengeance–literally.  The former Oakland A’s bat boy, who now prefers to be called ‘King Hammer,’ has a beef with rap megastar Jay-Z. Recently, appearing on Kanye West’s “So Appalled,” Jay-Z rapped:

“And Hammer went broke so you know I’m more focused

I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30

‘Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can’t hurt me.”

For his part, Jay-Z claimed he didn’t know that Hammer’s public riches-to-rags story was not part of the public dialogue, and seemed honestly surprised and perhaps a little amused by the kerfuffle.  Hip-Hop purists note, even if the diss was unintentional as Jay-Z claims, it still bespeaks a schism between modern Hip-Hop artists and their one-hit wonder forebears.

"What's That?" It's Difficult For Jay-Z To Hear Hammer Over The Sound Of His Millions And Millions Of Dollars.

Unmollified, King Hammer responded with the blistering diss-track, “Better Run Run.”  Drawing upon his faith as an ordained minister, Hammer dons a knit cap and Ed Hardy douche-apparel to narrate as a hoodie-wearing Lucifer chases down Jay-Z.  Ultimately, only God’s love–manifested through His servant on Earth, the Right Reverend Hammer–can save the multi-platinum rapper from the infernal clutches of Old Scratch.  Hammer does just that, then baptizes Jay-Z, whom he calls “Hellboy,” for good measure.

Better Run Run

Jay-Z has chosen not to escalate the feud, pointing out that he has many kind things to say about King Hammer in his upcoming book.  This is no small act of kindness.  Despite his royal bravado, Hammer is a broken man, with nothing at all left to call his own except for those ridiculous puffy pants.

"Sorry, King, The Check Bounced--I'll Be Needing Those Back, Too."

Yapple Dapple! ∞T.

Sinister Forces Align Against Fugeeman

01 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

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Tags

BET, Bolivarian Revolution, comical despots, elections, Fugeefoe, Fugeeman, Haiti, Haiti apparently not just a shoot-'em-up free-for-all, hip-hop, hip-hop jihadists, Hugo Chavez, impoverished third-world backwater, Michel Martelly, MTV, Pras, provisional election council, Saddam Hussein, Sean Penn, strongman, Sweet Micky, Venezuela, voodoo dolls, Wyclef Jean, zombies

By Smaktakula

Powerful interests have turned on Wyclef “Fugeeman” Jean in an effort to scuttle the hip-hop star’s bid to become president of his native Haiti.  Only a few weeks ago, when Fugeeman threw his braids into the ring, it seemed the musician-turned-statesman was certain to claim Haiti’s presidency, and at least make a passable effort at saving the doomed nation before looting its increasingly dry coffers.

Fugeeman: His Ascension To The Presidency Would Bump Voodoo Down To #2 On The List Of Things People Know About Haiti.

It may never come to pass: Haiti’s provisional election council has ruled that Jean is ineligible for the presidency since he has lived outside of Haiti during the last five years.  That Haiti has a governing body able to make such decisions will no doubt come as a shock to many observers, who reasonably assumed the impoverished nation to be much like the Wild West, only with voodoo dolls and zombies.

Fugeeman vowed to carry on.  But now there was blood in the water.  The next betrayal came from an unexpected source–Fugeeman’s former bandmate, Pras.  Pras signalled his betrayal with a metaphorical kiss on the cheek, saying that while he “loves Wyclef dearly,” he is supporting Michel “Sweet Micky” Martelly, citing both competence and a better nickname.

Sweet Micky Doesn't Want You To Be Swayed By Shitty Production Values.

A more notable Fugeefoe is talented actor and high school graduate Sean Penn.  Outside of his many fine performances on the big screen, Penn is perhaps best known for cozying up to undemocratic dictators like Saddam Hussein and Penn’s pal Hugo Chavez, as well as for talking a great deal on subjects of which he a limited understanding.  Penn reportedly fears that Fugeeman will allow American companies to come into Haiti with their filthy, economy-reviving money.  Presumably, Penn favors a Bolivarian type, like the coca-chawing Chavez.  Although it is unclear that Chavez’ successes in Venezuela could be replicated in Haiti, as there are no opposition television stations to shut down.  Furthermore, in Haiti the idea of a strongman abolishing the constitution and becoming dictator for life is old hat.

Sean Doesn't Understand Much Of What His BFF Is Saying, But He Nods And Smiles To Be Polite.

Perhaps Fugeeman’s only misstep in his campaign  has been when he referred to his “Rastafarian heritage.”  When a reporter responded that Rastafarianism was more commonly associated with Jamaica, Fugeeman patiently replied, “Haiti.  I’m from Haiti.”

Wyclef's Love Song To Haiti: "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Despite his obvious qualifications and overall grooviness, an unseen cadre has so far been successful in thwarting Jean’s historic bid.  However, Fugeeman is reportedly already preparing for this eventuality.  He is said to be quietly assembling an army of hip-hop jihadists,  and a flotilla of speedboats.  No one wants to avoid bloodshed more than the peace-professing musician.  But Fugeefoes beware: a coup sponsored by MTV and BET is hardly the worst career move Wyclef Jean could make.

Mark Wahlberg Is Nothing Without The Funky Bunch. Nothing!

13 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, People

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

awful musicians, beatdown, crossover success, Funky Bunch, hairless hit factory, hip-hop, Justin Bieber, Mark Wahlberg, Marky Mark, Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch, one-hit wonders, people with supernumerary nipples, phallophilia, rap music, Terminator 2, untalented stars, where is the Funky Bunch?, you used to be cool man

By Smaktakula

There.  We said it.                                     

Marky Mark Wishes He Could Travel Forward In Time To Lay A Beatdown On That Poser, Mark Wahlberg, Like In That Dope New Movie Terminator 2. Except Opposite.

 It seems as if the brash young rapper who once snarled, Money is the thing that I need to fulfill my greed is gone.  Thespian Mark Wahlberg, as Marky Mark now prefers to be called, has reached a level of financial success of which the hungry young kid from Boston and his creepy supernumerary nipple might only have dreamed.    

A life of contentment has erased any trace of the beguiling young star who once brazenly dedicated a book to his own penis.  However, it is doubtful that even the most cynical observer would have predicted Wahlberg’s quiet spiral into soullessness.  In a recent interview, the hollow ghost of his former It-Boy incarnation admitted that he would dust off his negligible hip-hop chops to rap on a Justin Bieber album, if only the hairless hit factory would ask him.                              

Vibrations good like Sunkist/Many wanna know who done this
You did it, Marky.  You did it to yourself.  We were powerless to do anything but watch you fall apart.

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