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Tag Archives: New Kids on the Block

OMG! NKOTBSB 4EVR!

14 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Backstreet Boys, boy bands, BSB, Donnie Wahlberg, George Bernard Shaw, George Foreman, Johann Sebastian Bach, Muhammad Ali, N'Sync, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, NKOTBSB, proctological health, stupid shit little girls like, William Shakespeare, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

By Smaktakula

Before You Criticize, Take A Good Long Look At Your High School Senior Photo.

It’s a team-up for the ages, a meeting swimming in historical portentousness: Ali & Foreman fighting side-by-side, Shakespeare and Shaw joining forces, a collaboration between Mozart and Bach–the two greatest forces in achingly adolescent boy-band pop have come together to rock your world, Girl.

The Backstreet Boys Want To Remind You How Important It Is For Men Over Thirty-Five To Have Yearly Proctological Exams.

So call the babysitter right now–never mind that it’s a school night.  What was only a schoolgirl’s fantasy in the waning days of the 20th Century has become a reality in the second decade of the 21st.  In the most tantalizing of flavor combinations since peanut butter met chocolate, the fresh young fellows of best-selling boy band the Backstreet Boys have teamed up with teenybopper godfathers, the now-ironically named New Kids on the Block, to form NKOTBSB.  This awesomely anachronistic amalgam is greater than the sum of its parts, calculated to set hormones ablaze for the first time in over a decade.

PT EXCLUSIVE! A Sneak Peak At The Official NKOTBSB Tour Shirts!

The series of sexy initials has already released a single highlighting the boys’ persistent fear of the dark, ‘Don’t Turn Out the Lights.’  NKOTBSB doesn’t plan to stop there–a full-length album is forthcoming, followed by a rockin’ summer tour.

Prefers Hasselhoff To NKOTBSB. But What Does He Know? Hes A Deaf, Crazy, Deceased Kraut.

According to fans, the only thing better than NKOTBSB would be N’SYNKOTB, a combination of the New Kids and the remaining members of former boy-band, N’Sync, some of whose members have actually met success story Justin Timberlake.

Expected To Join The NSYNKOTBSB 2022 Tour, Filling In While Donnie Wahlberg Recovers From Gastric Bypass Surgery.

Don’t Turn Out the Lights:

NKOTB + BSB = Approximately 1,600 pounds of pure, unadulterated AWESOME.

NKOTB Not Only Still Alive, But Cruising

13 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Music

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Danny Wood, Donnie Wahlberg, former child stars, Generation MILF, hairless hit factory, Joey McIntyre, Jonathan Knight, Jordan Knight, Justin Bieber, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, nostalgia acts, stars of yesteryear, stupid shit little girls like, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

Two decades ago America’s arenas were jammed with pubescent girls screaming for the manufactured teenybop that only New Kids on the Block could offer.  The screaming has long since died away, and many of those young fans now have children of their own.  And perhaps when her own daughter rhapsodically details the myriad virtues of the hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, now and then one of those former fans will spare a moment to think of those long-ago idols, wondering whatever became of those five boys from Boston.       

NKOTB Has Retooled Its Sound For Generation MILF.

After recasting themselves as NKOTB in 1993, the boys attempted a comeback.  NKOTB’s song Keep on Smilin’ appeared on the soundtrack to the killer whale opus, Free Willy, which the boys hoped would revive their flagging fan base.  Sadly, much like the film’s titular orca, it appeared the New Kids’ career was destined for the business end of a Japanese harpoon, ultimately to be devoured alongside some salaryman’s ramen.*                 

But like the legendary phoenix, which seemingly perished only to rise again from its own ashes, it’s hard to keep a possibly lucrative nostalgia act down  That’s right–please don’t go, girl–because NKOTB is back and better than ever!
  • Joey!
  • Donnie! 
  • The Other Three! 

Hangin' Tough On The High Seas: Not Only Will The Boys From Boston Perform, They'll Also Clean Your Cabin And Press Your Pants.

For those fans seeking the ultimate NKOTB experience, we recommend joining the lads on an intimate four-day Caribbean Cruise.  This opportunity is a godsend for those women on the verge of middle age who always wanted to score with a New Kid, but thought the opportunity forever beyond their reach.  Remember ladies, with their multi-platinum heyday two decades gone, they’re not nearly as picky these days. 

#14? Mr. McIntyre Will See You Now.

 * Since we have no plans to see ever Free Willy or even to read a plot synopsis, we have depicted the film as ending the way we would want it to.

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