celebarrassments, Cheyenne Woods, Clint Howard, Clint Howard doesn't deserve that--he seems pretty cool really, Earl Woods Jr., Earl Woods Sr., Eldrick Tont Woods, Elin Nordegren, embarrassing relations, gold digger, Golf, Little Earl, losers, moochers, rebar, sex addiction, Teutonic Überwench, Tiger Woods, unconditional love
Imagine that your brother was among the richest and most famous athletes of all time: his grinning image lining the magazine racks at the checkout line, a ubiquity across all facets of the media, with access to a stable of sex-crazed strumpets rivalling those of the storied kings of the Orient. And you, linked to that greatness by the happenstance of DNA.
Pretty great, huh? Not, apparently, if your brother is Tiger Woods. Despite his inescapable media presence as an athlete, spokesperson and source of scandal, the public knows very little about athletic great. Other than his exceptional golfing skills and marriage-destroying sex-addiction, Tiger remains an enigma. Recently unearthed information helps to complete the picture of Tiger Woods. He’s also a shitty brother.
That’s what his half-brother Earl Woods Jr. says. Little Earl and a couple other less-talented progeny were born to Earl Sr. and Barbara Hart Woods, whose marriage dissolved in 1968, seven years before the birth of the Anointed Woods. According to Little Earl, the brothers haven’t seen much of Tiger lately. Or ever, really.
But now, the older Woods reckons, Tiger needs his family. The golfing great’s image has taken a hit over the past several months, beginning with Thanksgiving 2009’s very public fight with his then-wife, Teutonic Überwench, Elin Nordegren, and descending into an increasingly shocking list of skanks banged by Tiger. Little Earl says that out of respect, he refrained from calling his brother during this time, when it seemed the golfing great hadn’t a friend in the world, instead waiting until Tiger had gotten his groove back a little.
Little Earl is quick to remind anyone who will listen that he crafted a set of golf clubs for a young Tiger when the future great was just learning to golf. The would-be celebarrassment leaves it at that, too modest to pose the question which springs immediately to mind: Where would Tiger be today if not for those sadly useless but lovingly made creations of rebar and Fanta cans?
Perhaps Tiger should ask himself that question, taking a moment to think about his half-brothers, whom not so long ago he affectionately called “Whatshisname and the Other Two.” Little Earl stresses that the brothers don’t want anything from Tiger except to love him unconditionally. Now, if Tiger wanted to kick them down a little something–say, for the golf clubs Little Earl made for him back in the day or whatever–that would be cool, too.
Maybe if Tiger didn’t have to pay his uberwench, $750 million for his addiction to women, he might have some money for all the people who want to suck from the Tiger Teet.