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By Smaktakula
Larry the Cable Guy Tickets

Larry Is Just Another Reason That, If We Had Any Sweet Hockey Moves, We Would Have Moved To Canada Years Ago.

Cretinous stereotype Larry The Cable Guy has teamed with infotainment network History for the new series Only In America, which profiles such uniquely American innovations as the origins of NASCAR or the popularization of smokeless tobacco. History, formerly the History Channel, is steadily moving away from history the way MTV fled from music in the early 1990s.

"I'm A-Goin' To See Larry With My Uncle And Daddy. We're Both Really Big Fans."

Although Larry is not the first non-historian to host a show on History, the unfunny comedian is thought to be network’s first presenter completely lacking in talent.  Nonetheless, History executives are said to be very pleased with Larry.  Said one, “Who better to honestly present the unvarnished truth of history than a dude from Kansas who honors America by pretending to be a heavily accented dimwit from the Deep South?”

The New History Network: Because Sometimes 'Lifetime' Gets Too Information-Heavy.

Only in America, which debuts tomorrow, has already attracted its share of critics.  Among them is electroshock-coiffed fight promoter Don King, who has for years used the phrase “Only in America” as something of a trademark.  King, who once kicked a man to death, is said to be “Inconsolulate” over what he considers “Thieverification of the lowest order,” adding, “This injustitude will be revelated in the shining light of honestifery and greeted with commensurable wrathness!”

"Justifaction Is At Hand, Oh Yes!" Don Is Suspicious Of Those Things From Which He Does Not Receive Direct Compensation.