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Tag Archives: moochers

Headlines 12.15.11

15 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History, Music, News, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus

By Smaktakula
keegan fills 20 (Un)Intentionally Funny News Headlines

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we respond to the headlines, while ignoring the content.

***

Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.

Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you?  One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.

Only The US And Chinese Militaries Have Caused More Damage To Japan’s Infrastructure.

LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever  ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.

Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.

No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?

Crack Aficionados: They Seem Cute On TV.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy.  Boys are called heroes.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work.  Barry was never hip.

Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus?  It’s Jesus, isn’t it?

“Go Broncs!”

Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.

Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.

This Is What Timeless Beauty Looks Like.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!

The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.

Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico  ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Make Your Own Caption. We Suggest Something About “Roughing The Passer” Or “Tight End.”

What Has Come Before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X

Burt Reynolds Prepares For Recurring Role As Filthy Homeless Person

19 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

70's era machismo, bad toupee, Bennigan's, Bill Clinton, Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, Florida, gold digger, hard times, has-beens, Liza Minelli, machismo, Me Generation, moochers, mortgage, mustache rides, the reek of the homeless, tiresome anachronism, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

Or Just Give Him A Place To Crash Until He Gets Things Together. You Know, Whatever.

Mustachioed 70s fixture Burt Reynolds claims to be surprised to find that his Florida mansion is in foreclosure,  despite not having made a mortgage payment since September of last year.  Times are lean for the toupee-abusing former icon of Me-Generation machismo, whose last tolerable film came during the Clinton years.

Burt Stands To Lose Everything.

There is concern for the actor’s future among those who are closest to Reynolds, such as Kate the Bennigan’s bartender or the kid who deliver’s the former personality’s newspaper.  The fear is that the soon-to-be homeless Reynolds will before long be huddling desperately for warmth beneath an overpass, now that Dom DeLuise‘s couch is unavailable.

"We Have Some Great Times Together, Don't We? I've Got A Crazy Idea, Babe, And I Think We Should Just Go For It. What Do You Think About Maybe Living Together For A Little While?"

Mustache Rides Now $1.50.

Tiger’s Brothers Need Money

08 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Sport

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

celebarrassments, Cheyenne Woods, Clint Howard, Clint Howard doesn't deserve that--he seems pretty cool really, Earl Woods Jr., Earl Woods Sr., Eldrick Tont Woods, Elin Nordegren, embarrassing relations, gold digger, Golf, Little Earl, losers, moochers, rebar, sex addiction, Teutonic Überwench, Tiger Woods, unconditional love

By Smaktakula

Even With All The Grief, It's Still Pretty Awesome To Be Tiger.

Imagine that your brother was among the richest and most famous athletes of all time: his grinning image lining the magazine racks at the checkout line, a ubiquity across all facets of the media, with access to a stable of sex-crazed strumpets rivalling those of the storied kings of the Orient.  And you, linked to that greatness by the happenstance of DNA.

This Is How Tiger's Relatives Tend To See Him.

Pretty great, huh?  Not, apparently, if your brother is Tiger Woods.  Despite his inescapable media presence as an athlete, spokesperson and source of scandal, the public knows very little about athletic great.  Other than his exceptional golfing skills and marriage-destroying sex-addiction, Tiger remains an enigma.  Recently unearthed information helps to complete the picture of Tiger Woods.  He’s also a shitty brother.

It Sounds Weird Saying This About Tiger Woods, But He's Never Gonna Do Better Than This.

That’s what his half-brother Earl Woods Jr. says.   Little Earl and a couple other less-talented progeny were born to Earl Sr. and Barbara Hart Woods, whose marriage dissolved in 1968, seven years before the birth of the Anointed Woods.  According to Little Earl, the brothers haven’t seen much of Tiger lately.  Or ever, really.

Little Earl Doesn't Want Money--He Wants His Brother. And Maybe A Little Money.

But now, the older Woods reckons, Tiger needs his family. The golfing great’s image has taken a hit over the past several months, beginning with Thanksgiving 2009’s very public fight with his then-wife, Teutonic Überwench, Elin Nordegren, and descending into an increasingly shocking list of skanks banged by Tiger.  Little Earl says that out of respect, he refrained from calling his brother during this time, when it seemed the golfing great hadn’t a friend in the world, instead waiting until Tiger had gotten his groove back a little.

Fact: Tiger's First Nickname Was "ATM."

Little Earl is quick to remind anyone who will listen that he crafted a set of golf clubs for a young Tiger when the future great was just learning to golf.   The would-be celebarrassment leaves it at that, too modest to pose the question which springs immediately to mind: Where would Tiger be today if not for those sadly useless but lovingly made creations of rebar and Fanta cans?

Clint Howard Is A Lot Like Earl Woods Jr., Except That Clint's Brother Knows He's Alive.

Perhaps Tiger should ask himself that question, taking a moment to think about his half-brothers, whom not so long ago he affectionately called “Whatshisname and the Other Two.”  Little Earl stresses that the brothers don’t want anything from Tiger except to love him unconditionally.  Now, if Tiger wanted to kick them down a little something–say, for the golf clubs Little Earl made for him back in the day or whatever–that would be cool, too.

Screw You, Tiger! Earl Woods Jr. Is Raising His Own Little Cash Machine.

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