Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus
In which we respond to the headlines, while ignoring the content.
Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.
Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties. Twice, whatever. Get the fuck out.
Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.
Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.
Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you? One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.
LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?
Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.
How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.
Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.
Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.
No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?
Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called heroes.
Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.
Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work. Barry was never hip.
Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus? It’s Jesus, isn’t it?
Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.
‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.
Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.
Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.
Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.
Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.
Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.
Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!
The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.
Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.
Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers. Maybe it does anyway.