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Tag Archives: Golf

North Korea: Crazy For The Orympics

20 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Sport

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Tags

'Lil Kim, 2018, competitive eating, football, Golf, happiness, impoverished third-world backwater, impoverished third-world hellhole, incredible sporting achievements, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, Olympics, places that suck, Soccer, South Korea, South Korea > North Korea, Westchester County, Yemen

By Smaktakula

We're Not Making Excuses For N. Korea's Poor Performance, But The First Time The Team Saw An Actual Soccer Ball Was During The Match.

You have to admire those plucky North Koreans.  Starving, impoverished and confined to a backwater shithole that makes Yemen look like Westchester County, the North Koreans still manage to delude themselves with dreams as distorting of reality as those of any first-world nation.

South Korea > North Korea

North Korea has achieved this interior disconnect by building upon an incremental foundation of self-deception.   Recently this manifested itself in a self-scored second place in a worldwide happiness ranking.  Emboldened by their program of denial, the North Koreans have now expressed interest in piggybacking onto South Korea’s 2018 Olympic bid.  Unsurprisingly,  South Korean reception to this notion has been tepid at best.

The North Korean Power-Lifting Team Is The Pride Of Pyongyang.

Sport has taken on a greater emphasis under the comically despotic reign of Kim Jong-il than it did under his father, Kim Il-sung.  ‘Lil Kim is an accomplished athlete, numbering among his many athletic accomplishments an amazing eleven holes-in-one the very first time he played golf.

Goat Kicking: Shitty Country, Shitty Sports.

Despite being the global equivalent of the athsmatic fat kid picked last for kickball, the average North Korean is excited about the blighted hellhole’s negligible chance to co-host the Olympics.  Moreover, enthusiasm for the Games has grown in recent weeks with the spread of the false rumor that competitive eating has been added to the Olympic program.

In Famine-Ravaged North Korea, This Qualifies As Pornography.

Tiger’s Brothers Need Money

08 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Sport

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

celebarrassments, Cheyenne Woods, Clint Howard, Clint Howard doesn't deserve that--he seems pretty cool really, Earl Woods Jr., Earl Woods Sr., Eldrick Tont Woods, Elin Nordegren, embarrassing relations, gold digger, Golf, Little Earl, losers, moochers, rebar, sex addiction, Teutonic Überwench, Tiger Woods, unconditional love

By Smaktakula

Even With All The Grief, It's Still Pretty Awesome To Be Tiger.

Imagine that your brother was among the richest and most famous athletes of all time: his grinning image lining the magazine racks at the checkout line, a ubiquity across all facets of the media, with access to a stable of sex-crazed strumpets rivalling those of the storied kings of the Orient.  And you, linked to that greatness by the happenstance of DNA.

This Is How Tiger's Relatives Tend To See Him.

Pretty great, huh?  Not, apparently, if your brother is Tiger Woods.  Despite his inescapable media presence as an athlete, spokesperson and source of scandal, the public knows very little about athletic great.  Other than his exceptional golfing skills and marriage-destroying sex-addiction, Tiger remains an enigma.  Recently unearthed information helps to complete the picture of Tiger Woods.  He’s also a shitty brother.

It Sounds Weird Saying This About Tiger Woods, But He's Never Gonna Do Better Than This.

That’s what his half-brother Earl Woods Jr. says.   Little Earl and a couple other less-talented progeny were born to Earl Sr. and Barbara Hart Woods, whose marriage dissolved in 1968, seven years before the birth of the Anointed Woods.  According to Little Earl, the brothers haven’t seen much of Tiger lately.  Or ever, really.

Little Earl Doesn't Want Money--He Wants His Brother. And Maybe A Little Money.

But now, the older Woods reckons, Tiger needs his family. The golfing great’s image has taken a hit over the past several months, beginning with Thanksgiving 2009’s very public fight with his then-wife, Teutonic Überwench, Elin Nordegren, and descending into an increasingly shocking list of skanks banged by Tiger.  Little Earl says that out of respect, he refrained from calling his brother during this time, when it seemed the golfing great hadn’t a friend in the world, instead waiting until Tiger had gotten his groove back a little.

Fact: Tiger's First Nickname Was "ATM."

Little Earl is quick to remind anyone who will listen that he crafted a set of golf clubs for a young Tiger when the future great was just learning to golf.   The would-be celebarrassment leaves it at that, too modest to pose the question which springs immediately to mind: Where would Tiger be today if not for those sadly useless but lovingly made creations of rebar and Fanta cans?

Clint Howard Is A Lot Like Earl Woods Jr., Except That Clint's Brother Knows He's Alive.

Perhaps Tiger should ask himself that question, taking a moment to think about his half-brothers, whom not so long ago he affectionately called “Whatshisname and the Other Two.”  Little Earl stresses that the brothers don’t want anything from Tiger except to love him unconditionally.  Now, if Tiger wanted to kick them down a little something–say, for the golf clubs Little Earl made for him back in the day or whatever–that would be cool, too.

Screw You, Tiger! Earl Woods Jr. Is Raising His Own Little Cash Machine.

Easy, Tiger

18 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Golf, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

apology, Golf, hero worship, infidelity, PGA, role model, sex scandal, Tiger Woods

By Smaktakula

According to his agent, golfing great Tiger Woods will be making a public apology on Friday, presumably for the behavior which derailed both his marriage and his golfing career.  The future prospects of Woods’ marriage are unclear, but those of his career aren’t.  Woods may have found himself with a bad lie, but given proper handling, he should be able to extricate himself.  Despite the hue and cry surrounding the holiday-season scandal, the public can be notoriously forgiving of athletes’ sexual peccadilloes.  As a sports culture, the PGA may be slower to forgive than would the NFL, NBA or MLB, where such a public sex scandal is hardly something new.  But given time, it will blow over.  

The Penitent Tiger

The upcoming apology should serve to expedite Woods’ public absolution, which is no doubt the purpose behind Friday’s planned flagellation.  When apologizing to more than one person, especially to thousands, even millions of people, there are two questions which must be answered either expressly or implicitly for the apology to mean anything.   

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