, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

He Can Talk For Hours About The Nature Of Our Infinite Universe, But Draws A Blank When You Ask Him To Describe A Naked Woman.

Aliens may be forced to destroy humanity so that the universe might live.  Such a scenario is possible, says Shawn Domagal-Goldman of NASA’s Planetary Science Division, wherein these galactic stewards of the environment may be compelled to launch a pre-emptive strike against Homo sapiens before we can infect an unspoiled cosmos with our filth.  Extraterrestrials, it seems, are fans of the Bush Doctrine.

Space Aliens Aren't Just Green, They're Greener Than Thou.

It’s well-documented that scientists are just plain smarter than regular folks,  and through their explorations of the mysterious cosmos are privy to insights far beyond the ken of mere mortals.  Unfortunately, their heroic efforts to better the fate of grotesque, sweating humanity through persistent nagging often fall upon deaf ears.  As anyone who’s tried to explain the convoluted origins of WWI to a three-year-old knows, it can sometimes be difficult to bring deep concepts to shallow minds.

No, It's A Different Kind Of Alien Entirely. You Can Relax: Home Depot Is Not Under Attack.

For this reason, our intellectual betters are becoming aware that sometimes, when an inconvenient truth is hard to impress upon the rabble, a sparkly lie works just as well.  If, for example, a first-grade teacher wishes to control a boy whose amorous overtures are not welcomed by the young ladies of the class, she’ll get much further invoking the specter of cooties than she will by warning of a sexual harassment lawsuit.

It's True. We Suck So Bad.

Domagal-Goldman has come up with a similar solution for protecting mother earth against the myriad depredations foisted upon it by humanity.  Rather than spend time explaining the mind-numbing minutia of climate theory, the intricacies of which often seem lost on its most vocal adherents, the ingenious scientist has come up with a premise so far-fetched and asinine as to ideally suit modern culture.  Domagal-Goldman argues that, in certain scenarios, space aliens might be so disgusted with our treatment of Mother Earth that to save a threatened universe, they would obliterate us with a quickness.

Apparently, Aliens Will Not Be Fearsome Conquerors As Previously Thought, But Rather Judgemental Little Bitches.

If the bored and lonely scientist is right, then humanity is already on notice.  Even now a great galactic armada may be gathering beyond the stars, the grim array stalwart in their determination to proactively stem the humanity plague before it can spill out across infinite space.  The universe will be better off without us, we’re sure.

"I Called It. Y'All Heard Me Call It, Right?"