barista, beating off, buskers, choking the chicken, Dr. Phil, flogging the dolphin, homeless people, homemakers, jerking off, jizzmastre, masturbation, onanism, scratching the weasel behind the ears, self-abuse, seminal fluid, spanking the monkey, sperm bank, spunk-monkeys, Starbucks
Sometimes, all an industry needs to pick up its spirits is a new name. When airline stewardesses realized they weren’t being taken seriously, they became flight attendants, with all the glamour and prestige the name implies. Other industries were quick to follow; a secretary may have been prized for her shorthand skills and ability to fellate the boss, but an administrative assistant is a power-player within the company. It continues: doctors are now healthcare providers, street musicians are buskers and housewives are homemakers. Even bums have been jumped up to ‘homeless people.’
But at least one industry has thus far been left behind in the evolutionary progress of language: the sperm bank employee, those dedicated professionals for whom we jerk off into a cup. Not only is their job every bit as disgusting as the minimum-wage schlub who mops the floors at Bob’s Dirty Book Emporium, but theirs is a profession mocked and derided at every turn. Promethean Times believes that we can best honor these hard-working spunk-monkeys by calling them by a title befitting the dignity and prestige of their position. We suggest jizzmastre.