Unless you’re a friendless, housebound wretch, you’ve been to a concert, sporting match or other public gathering for which the purchase of tickets is required. If you have, you’ve no doubt fought your way through the army of malodorous transients clustered around the entrance offering to sell you tickets. These hard-working professionals are called scalpers.
The sobriquet is a reference to the grisly practice of tearing an enemy’s scalp from his head. Despite these sensitive, stigma-erasing times, which have seen prostitutes elevated to sex workers and cum-catchers to jizzmastrae, the colorful term ‘scalper’ is, in the United States at least, the nearly-exclusive term for these grey-market resellers. The term has become so entrenched that it applies to anyone who resells tickets to a venue, apparently even if it’s a dude in buckskins hawking tickets to the Right Said Fred show at the Lucky Eagle Casino.
Ugh! ∞ T.
baby-batter, better dead than red, bigotry, Cyros International, drunken Irishmen, gingers, ginjism, jizzmastre, Johnny Whitaker, Judas Iscariot, redheads, sorry Thorsie!, sperm bank, sperm donor, treachery
Historically, gingers have had it rough. Thought in ancient times to be possessed of sinister powers or bestial sexual urges, today’s redhead is merely regarded as a disturbing genetic anomaly. And yet, until recently, these soulless individuals enjoyed the same rights as the rest of unafflicted humanity.
Now, all that has changed, with one organization single-handedly turning back the clock on ginger rights. Cryos International, the world’s biggest sperm bank, has announced that it will no longer accept donations from redheads, as its larders are positively brimming with ginjism. The announcement was made through a representative of Cyros, who asked to remain anonymous for fear that his family might be hexed by angry gingers seeking reprisal.
According to Cyros, the decision is the result of a steeply-diminished demand for red-headed baby-batter. “In civilized, first-world countries, nobody wants a ginger around,” the Cyros rep says. He adds, “You’ve got just one country with a high demand for redheads, and that’s Ireland. And I don’t have to tell you that they’re all bombed out of their skulls.”
Drunken Irishmen aside, it appears that increasingly there are fewer places in this world that gingers can call home. Although Promethean Times understands the emotions behind Cyros’ decision–we don’t want gingers in our neighborhoods either–for society’s sake, we cannot endorse the decision to bar these Day-Glo monstrosities from donating sperm. If not provided a safe, reliable outlet for their bestial urges, we face a future where gingers will be pleasuring themselves on Main Street.
barista, beating off, buskers, choking the chicken, Dr. Phil, flogging the dolphin, homeless people, homemakers, jerking off, jizzmastre, masturbation, onanism, scratching the weasel behind the ears, self-abuse, seminal fluid, spanking the monkey, sperm bank, spunk-monkeys, Starbucks
Sometimes, all an industry needs to pick up its spirits is a new name. When airline stewardesses realized they weren’t being taken seriously, they became flight attendants, with all the glamour and prestige the name implies. Other industries were quick to follow; a secretary may have been prized for her shorthand skills and ability to fellate the boss, but an administrative assistant is a power-player within the company. It continues: doctors are now healthcare providers, street musicians are buskers and housewives are homemakers. Even bums have been jumped up to ‘homeless people.’
But at least one industry has thus far been left behind in the evolutionary progress of language: the sperm bank employee, those dedicated professionals for whom we jerk off into a cup. Not only is their job every bit as disgusting as the minimum-wage schlub who mops the floors at Bob’s Dirty Book Emporium, but theirs is a profession mocked and derided at every turn. Promethean Times believes that we can best honor these hard-working spunk-monkeys by calling them by a title befitting the dignity and prestige of their position. We suggest jizzmastre.