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Tag Archives: beating off

Sperm Bank Employees Deserve A More Dignified Title

18 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

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Tags

barista, beating off, buskers, choking the chicken, Dr. Phil, flogging the dolphin, homeless people, homemakers, jerking off, jizzmastre, masturbation, onanism, scratching the weasel behind the ears, self-abuse, seminal fluid, spanking the monkey, sperm bank, spunk-monkeys, Starbucks

By Smaktakula

We Didn't See This Coming, But You Must Admit, It Makes A Certain Sense.

Sometimes, all an industry needs to pick up its spirits is a new name.  When airline stewardesses realized they weren’t being taken seriously, they became flight attendants, with all the glamour and prestige the name implies.  Other industries were quick to follow; a secretary may have been prized for her shorthand skills and ability to fellate the boss, but an administrative assistant is a power-player within the company.  It continues: doctors are now healthcare providers, street musicians are buskers and housewives are homemakers.  Even bums have been jumped up to ‘homeless people.’

But at least one industry has thus far been left behind in the evolutionary progress of language: the sperm bank employee, those dedicated professionals for whom we jerk off into a cup.  Not only is their job every bit as disgusting as the minimum-wage schlub who mops the floors at Bob’s Dirty Book Emporium, but theirs is a profession mocked and derided at every turn.  Promethean Times believes that we can best honor these hard-working spunk-monkeys by calling them by a title befitting the dignity and prestige of their position.  We suggest jizzmastre.

Yeah, It Tastes Funny, But It's Full Of Protein.

Look, if you can call the perky young thing at Starbucks a barista and still keep a straight face, jizzmastre shouldn’t be much of a stretch. ∞ T.

Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

16 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News, Religion

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'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', 9/11, al Qaeda, Ann Coulter, beating off, choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, goat-fuckers, internet pornography, Islam, jerking off, masturbation, Navy SEALs, onanism, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, porn, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, self-abuse, spankin' it, spanking the monkey, sticky fingers, Terrorism, whack shack

By Smaktakula

Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.

The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything.  They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth.  But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.

Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.

This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn.  As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.

Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.

Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel?  The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.

A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.

Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium.  Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’  Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’

Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.

Get Off The Vote

17 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', beating off, Catalonia, Catholicism, childish sexual innuendo, choking the chicken, democracy, female orgasm, flogging the dolphin, get off, jerking off, masturbation, orgasm, political parties, school bond issues, self-abuse, Socialist Catalonian Party, Spain, spanking the monkey, We'd stuff that ballot box

By Smaktakula

DAMN, School Bond Issues Get Us Hot.

In Spain, a Socialist Catalonian Party commercial has plunged the highly-conservative country into a paroxysm of emotion which is steadily, agonizingly building toward an explosively satisfying zenith.  The commercial depicts an attractive young lady so enamored of the voting process that the act of stuffing the ballot box brings her to orgasm.

Critics in the Catholic country are outraged at what they see as a promotion of promiscuity and a glorification of self-abuse.  However, defenders contend that the humorous commercial is a much-needed antidote to voter apathy.

Either way, this is a clear answer to those critics of democracy who claim that voting is little more than jerking off.

In light of this development, we plan to spend more time polling the electorate. ∞T

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