• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Monthly Archives: October 2011

Recalling A Simpler Time When Perverts Made House Calls

31 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anachronisms, Brody Hall, Corry, dingus, exhibitionism, flashers, full Monty, genitals, intoxication, junk, man-meat, Pennsylvania, pervertry, perverts, public nudity, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Exposing Your Junk To Perfect Strangers Is A Time-Honored American Tradition.

The modern world changes with such baffling rapidity that innovations in technology, fashion and language are transforming yesterday into an unrecognizable anachronism.  The information age has rendered obsolete the newspaper, the personal letter and the DMV.  Thanks to the plethora of pornography available at a keystroke, even the naked human body has become a curious relic of a bygone age.  Pennsylvania pervert Brody Hall made a game effort to turn back the clock on our cynical era by returning some of nudity’s whimsicality and sense of fun.  But like so many other gentle dreamers, Hall found himself crushed beneath the weight  of an impersonal, uncaring societal juggernaut.

A devotee of the lost art of flashing, Hall treated his hometown of Corry, Pennsylvania with an up-close-and-personal view of the young man’s dingus.  After ensuring that he was sufficiently liquored up, Hall knocked on random doors throughout the forgotten backwater, rewarding those who answered with a full Monty.  Hall later explained that his intentions were to “scare the children.”

Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.

But as with so many lofty goals, Hall’s plans met with an insurmountable obstacle: an uncaring, anesthetized society with no time for such old-timey foolishness.   So it was that Hall’s luck ran out when he unknowingly displayed his genitals to Corry’s chief of police, who wasted no time in bringing an end to the exploits of the dangling do-gooder.

The local authorities contend that society is safer without being forced to regard Hall’s waggling man-meat, and perhaps they’re correct.  Maybe there’s no longer any room in this age of instant gratification for a charming relic of yesteryear like the flasher.  Still, society owes a debt to men like Brody Hall.  Thanks to small core of dedicated craftsmen who continue to practice exhibitionism, a charmingly anachronistic piece of our heritage is being preserved for posterity.

Horatio Coxswain, The Legendary 'Marysville Masher,' Was Famous For Exposing Himself While Riding A Bicycle.

This Day In History: October 28, 1886 CE

28 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1886, death by Germany, France, Gauloises, Germany, historical beatdowns, October 28, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, this day in history, United States of America

By Smaktakula

On which the French and American people make a trade, with the French bequeathing to the United States the majestic Statue of Liberty, and the Americans in turn promising that France would never find herself abruptly forced to learn German.

Statue of Liberty

We're Trying To Figure Out If Lady Liberty Is Really French. True, She Makes A Lot Of Demands And Hasn't Bathed In 125 Years, But That's A Torch In Her Hand And Not A Gauloise.

It’s just that if we lived next to a clan of bloodthirsty dudes in Lederhosen who put the beatdown on us every couple of generations, we’d move. ∞T.

Words To Stop Using: Sheeple

27 Thursday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

conformity, Fox Mulder, insufferable arrogance, lemmings, popular opinion, Seriously? Do you even listen to the words coming out of your mouth?, sheeple, Why am I so stupid?, words to stop using

By Smaktakula

You Don't Like To Brag, But You're Way More Clued In To The Truth Than The Rest Of Those . . . Lemmings.

You’ve got a high school education and have knocked out at least twelve units at the local junior college, making you by far the best-educated person in your family.  This academic advantage, coupled with your own as-yet-unrecognized genius has made you privy to revelatory information unavailable to the workaday Joe.  But vital knowledge isn’t like a well-defined six-pack on a washboard stomach–you can’t advertise your intelligence by simply walking around shirtless.  Along with repeatedly trumpeting your genius to all who will listen, an excellent way to showcase it is by using words which make you sound smart.  Unfortunately, sheeple is not among these.

Sheeple, which traces its origins back to the 1950s, refers to a person the speaker feels is too conformist or beholden to the establishment.  The word itself is an amalgam of people and sheep, the latter long regarded as stupid and complacent animals.  Additionally, the word carries with it not only the implication that the subject is foolish and easily lead, but moreover that the speaker is somehow preternaturally wise, and clued in to what’s really going on.

How Can You Just Shake Your Ass While The World Is Burning Around You?

Sadly, it’s no coincidence that the folks who make sheeple a regular staple of their vocabulary tend to be the kind of bitter know-it-alls who once endured semi-regular beatings in the junior high locker room.  The user of sheeple has missed the boat too many times in his or her life, and aches never to be caught clueless again.  This sad mania manifests itself in an unending, Fox Mulder-like quest to find the deeper story, even if it means plumbing the fevered depths of their own overheated imaginations to do so.   Proving that Americans will believe anything if they want to badly enough, the ranks of these self-proclaimed geniuses are swelling.  Still, they take great pride in the thought that their awareness is somehow precious and unique; their insights are somehow more profound than all but a few of the diseased cranks from whom they get their ideas.

Folks, there are many great ways to come off like a smug asshole, but which can also make you sound halfway bright. Throwing around sheeple accomplishes the former, but leaves the listener with no doubt of your staggering and unfathomable idiocy.

Only One Of These Two Dudes Is Hip To What's REALLY Going On.

Here are a few other things we don’t think you should say:

  • Shall
  • Niggardly
  • Go Giants!

Interstate Port-O-Potty

26 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

backwater shithole, chemical toilet, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kleenex, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, North Korea, places that suck, port-o-potty, porta potty, shitty brands, United States of America

By Smaktakula

Of the world’s wretched, filthy and flyblown places, the haphazardly maintained Honey Buckets¹ encountered at some of America’s lonelier Interstate rest stops must surely rank among the foulest.

Actually, Being Forced To Live Your Life In One Of These Isn't Any Worse Than What You'd Experience In North Korea.²

¹Like Kleenex, Honey Bucket is a brand name which has come to serve as a catch-all term for any filthy, pungent chemical toilet.
²Although a staggering body of evidence strongly supports the nearly universal opinion that North Korea blows, there exists a vocal minority who allege that the impoverished third-world hellhole is a barrel of laughs.

Al Qaeda: Surprisingly Sensitive

25 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff

By Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.

Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism.  Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.

Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job.  This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations.  Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.

Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.

Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments.  It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.

The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11.  Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy.  Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.

Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.

Best Buddies

24 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

action figures, Best Buddies, Don't Ask Don't Tell, gay, GI Joe, homoeroticism, Knowing is Half the Battle, toys, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

At last!  A doll catering to those collectors of combat-themed action figures for whom GI Joe is insufficiently homoerotic.

Best Buddies May Be Gay As Hell, But They're No Sissies.

It’s kind like when ‘Knowing is Half the Battle’ meets ‘It Gets Better.’ ∞ T.

Kidnappers Of Lindbergh Baby Revealed To Be Wall Street Fatcats

21 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bruno Hauptmann, Charles Lindbergh, Charles Lindbergh Jr., corporate welfare, fatcats, feudalism, Krauts, Lindbergh Baby, Lindbergh Kidnapping, meow!, patsies, Wall Street

By Smaktakula

Recent revelations prove conclusively that famed kraut patsy Bruno Hauptmann–who maintained his innocence until his execution in 1936–was unjustly convicted in the infamous Lindbergh Baby Case.

"Restore Feudalism Or The Baby Dies!"

 What do we want?  Corporate welfare!  When do we want it? Meow! ∞T.

Youth’s Eternal Struggle

20 Thursday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bad hair day, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, getting back at mom and dad, odious hairstyles, the stupid things white people do to their hair, youth

By Smaktakula

It's Difficult To Find A Personal Style Which Strikes Precisely The Delicate Balance Between A Fashion Statement Shocking Enough To Upset Mom & Dad, And One Which Doesn't Make You Look Like A Complete Asshole.

LiLo’s Got The Meth Mouth

18 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Celebrity Death Watch, Deep Throat, Flower of American Skankhood, irresponsible allegations, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, meth, meth mouth, methamphetamine, rotting teeth, skanks, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

You Know You're Famous When Forgetting To Brush Your Teeth Causes A Minor Media Sensation.

True? False? That’s what the gossip sites are reporting, anyway. More accurately, they’re claiming that the self-destructing former starlet and Flower of American Skankhood has a mouth full of rotting teeth, from which Promethean Times irresponsibly infers that said condition is a consequence of snorting* great big piles of methamphetamine.

Or it could just be improper hygiene. Remembering to brush after meals can help to preserve healthy teeth for a lifetime. Sadly, LiLo has yet to demonstrate that she can inculcate positive habits into her life, having been “fired” from her community service work at Skid Row Woman’s Shelter. A few months ago, Promethean Times opined of Ms. Lohan, “the time to hit that is now.” Sadly, it appears that the time to hit that has passed.

* Meth can also be smoked or taken intravenously. Promethean Times alleges that Ms. Lohan rubs it into cuts. ∞ T.

Commercials We Do Not Like: Messin’ With Sasquatch

17 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

beef jerky, bigfoot, bullies, Commercials, commercials we do not like, cruelty, cryptids, death by Sasquatch, Generation X, inebriation, intoxication, it's all fun and games until someone ruptures a testicle, Jack Link's, Messin' with Sasquatch, mythical creatures, practical jokes, revenge, roadkill, Sasquatch, stupid shit you do when you're drunk, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Not Since "I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up" Has A Commercial Pitchman Been The Subject Of So Much Ridicule.

It seems unbelievable that the public would choose sodium-infused roadkill as a snack, and even more unlikely that they would continue to consume this pricey shoe-leather if incessantly bombarded by an annoying commercial.  And yet this is exactly what has come to pass in Jack Link’s popular advertising campaign, Messin’ with Sasquatch.

This Nonexistent Creature Rues The Day He Ever Let A Drunken Washingtonian Take His Picture.

The premise which guides this series of ads is interesting enough: practical jokes.  All the old standards are here: the hand in warm water trick, the rat’s tail,* the ‘want-a-ride?’ tease, and so many more.  The campaign quickly turns unfunny, however, when it becomes apparent that there is but one target of this sophomoric harassment.  Invariably the lonely, hunted Sasquatch is the sole victim to the childish whims of Gen X white guys, and can only bellow inarticulate rage at his tormentors.  Beef jerky, the ostensible focus of the campaign, is tangential to the story, something for the inebriated yahoos consume as they torment the massive cryptid.

***

*

*

***

The most damning aspect of the commercials is the complete lack of comeuppance for bigfoot’s tormentors.  After being so cruelly mocked, the enraged Sasquatch reacts violently against the perpetrators,  sometimes tossing them about, once going so far as to turn over a speeding golf cart.  However frightening the beasts’ counterattack, the response is clearly not forceful enough to compel the abusers to desist: the wildly popular commercials continue.  This is a dangerous message for a society already rife with bullies.

The Sasquatch's Peculiar, Non-Threatening Disposition Is A Liability In The Cutthroat World Of Nature.

The Sasquatch’s well-deserved revenge extends only far enough to leave the soused perpetrators with minor injuries, perhaps a fracture or bad sprain.  In a perfect world, these commercials would be so graphic as to require a parental advisory warning, depicting a more realistic fate for those drunken cretins foolish enough to taunt an 800-lb. beast with the brain of a man.  In this more just version, the forest is decorated with the carcasses of Bigfoot’s assailants: human heads nestled in the crotches of trees, entrails festooning tree-limbs like holiday crepe-paper, the woods alive with the electric white noise of flies, and the sky above marked by a slow gyre of lazily circling vultures.  In the center of it all, atop a massive pyramid of sun-bleached bones picked clean of meat, Sasquatch sits munching from a blood-streaked bag of Jack Link’s.

"Fuck Your Jerky! Sasquatch Want BRAINS!" The Comeuppance We'd Really Like To See.

* Smaktakula has personally met someone who ruptured a testicle thanks to a carelessly whipped towel.  Although he went on to father three children, he claims it still hurts when he’s in the shower and “the water hits it just right.”  ∞T.
← Older posts

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • The Red Danube
  • Diff'rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone
  • USA Today Surprised By Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo's Committment To Principles
  • Careless Boy's Mother Ruins A Good Thing
  • Headlines 10.07.11
  • Fresno: Looking Past All The Suck

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 6 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 6 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 6 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 6 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 6 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

October 2011
M T W T F S S
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31  
« Sep   Nov »

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
tomsimard on Sadly, Anne Heche Still L…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Promethean Times
    • Join 509 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Promethean Times
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...