See? No Matter How Shitty Your Life Is, You Can Take Comfort In Knowing That You're Not This Smegma Blossom.

Jordy Prepares A Photo For His Match.com Profile, Confident That Somewhere Out There Is A Gal Who Wants To Swap Fluids With A Freakish Human Pineapple.

El Hombre Del Volar La Comadreja, The El Salvadoran Batman, Is A Lot Like The Gringo Version, Except That He's A Little Softer Around The Middle And The Batcave Is A Rusted-Out Ice Cream Truck.

Here's Some Free Wisdom, Folks: Live Every Moment Of Life As If Your Ex-Girlfriend Might Be Watching.

There Are Many Ways To Ensure That Your Son Will Own A Massive 4X4 With Trailer-Hitch Testicles As Soon As He Can Drive. This Is Just One Of Them.

"Hey Is That A Skittle? My...HUH!...My God! It Is! FEED ME THAT GODDAMN...HUH!...GODDAMN SKITTLE RIGHT...HUH!...RIGHT GODDAMN NOW! *RONCH! RONCH! RONCH!* HUH! HUH! My God--That Was So...HUH!...HUH!...So Fucking Good."

At Least Grandma Died Doing What She Loved--Living In A Bizarre, Dementia-Drenched Fantasy World.

We Can't Afford To Be Seen With You, That's For Darn Sure.

It Can Be Tough To Watch, But Sometimes You Simply Have To Trust That Mother Nature Knows What She's Doing.

Yeah, Ha Ha, But Jimmy Has The Only Science Fair Project That's Worth A Damn. In Real Life, You Will NEVER Encounter A Situation Requiring You To Fashion An Electromagnet Out Of A Fishing Weight And Some Old Copper Wires. What Are You, Fucking McGuyver Now? YOU ROCK, JIMMY!

You Need Only To See The Terror In That Tiny Creature's Eyes To Know That While You're Distracted By The Epic Mullet, FiFi's Getting Fucked.