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Tag Archives: natural selection

Warning Labels Weaken The Nation!

21 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

al Qaeda, Belgium, childish sexual innuendo, crazy Japanese porn, Evil Ones, Lisa Ling, mind the gap, natural selection, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stupid people, warning labels, What does this button do?, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Seriously–How Did We Make It This Far?

Natural selection is the process by which external forces eliminate nature’s weaker elements, leaving a more genetically advantageous stock to breed. This phenomenon is experienced throughout the animal kingdom, not only by simple creatures like sea anemones, butterflies and Romanians, but by Homo sapiens as well.

Lisa Ling: In Another Age She Would Have Been Eaten By Wolves As A Child.

In days of yore, individuals with desirable qualities reaped the rewards of society, and had awesome sex with one another. Likewise, the cretinous ticks lining society’s blighted underbelly, afflicted with undesirable qualities like shortness, endured poor and miserable lives, forced to seek their pleasure with other undesirables, or as was frequently the case, with themselves. Throughout the long march of human history, a steady refinement in the species permitted quantum jumps in our development in the 19th, 20th and now 21st Centuries.

“So Tell Me Again What Happens If I Pour This Scalding Hot Liquid Directly Onto My Crotch.”

Humanity made the world its bitch; no river was so vast that we could not dam it, no peak too great to scale, no creature we could not slaughter. Humanity learned and adapted; yesterday’s pernicious scourge became tomorrow’s quaint historical curiosity–just ask smallpox. In humanity’s golden age, those who might in the past have died at birth grew up to live happy, productive lives, free of many of the day-to-day woes of generations past. The species has reached a stage in its development where it strives for comfort, rather than simply to survive. No longer is our survival dependent upon continuously adapting to an ever-changing world; the world must now adapt to us.

There’s Never Been A Better Time To Break In Your Seal-Shaped Surfboard.

However, it is impossible to pick up one end of a stick without also picking up the other, and likewise, humanity’s circumvention of natural selection brings with it attendant consequences. No longer is it the sole domain of the fit to survive; the unfit may also live.  More than that, the unfit may thrive. For every Stephen Hawking, whose marvellous brain and groovy voice are a fair trade for efforts in keeping alive a man God clearly intended to die, there are scores of able-bodied half-wits who would have walked in front of a subway train years ago  if not for the numerous and strategically placed signs and bright red lines to discourage such action.

Every Box Of Yummy Mort Aux Rats Breakfast Cereal Comes With A Free Rat Carcass!

Given the rapid dilution of quality throughout the civilized world, the globe’s great nations have become sluggish and saturated with nincompoopery. This phenomenon is evidenced in the United States’ predilection for professional “wrestling,” Japan’s love of bizarre porn, and the mere existence of Belgium. Already the slack-jawed halfwits are out-breeding intellectuals by a ratio of 46:1. Having already taken most public-sector jobs, it is only a matter of time before the cataclysmically stupid saturate all areas of the workforce.

A Warning That Exposure To This “Program” Can Lead To The Onset Of Cretinous Boobery Is Too Little, Too Late.

Make no mistake–this societal devolution delights the Evil Ones. The enemies of all that is righteous and good would like nothing better than to see the West expose its soft flank. Al-Qaeda, for instance,  has repeatedly demonstrated a  nearly superhuman patience; it will be no great thing for such shadowy organizations to lie in wait until the society is too enfeebled to resist an attack.

Heh. ‘Gap.’ Don’t Tell Us It Doesn’t Make You Think…Okay, Maybe It’s Just Us.

The solution is clear. It is paramount that governments not only do away with these society-enfeebling warning labels, but also that they take specific action to reverse the damage that has already been done.  Rather than label electronic devices “Unsafe in Water,” manufacturers would serve the public interest by tagging them as bath toys.  Zookeepers could do their part by not harassing visitors who wish to pet the Siberian tiger. Our sad march to Moronville will not be stopped until every box of Comet toilet cleanser proudly proclaims ‘Tastes Great On Salad!”

“Guys, I Cannot Stress This Enough: Super-Glue Is NOT For Eating.”

Headlines 05.18.12

18 Friday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

alcohol abuse, Barack Obama, Baseball, breast implants, breastuses, Diabetes, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, Jewish people, Los Angeles Dodgers, marijuana, natural selection, obesity, Pauly Shore, PMS, pot, reefer, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Wrigley Field

By Smaktakula

Despite The Severity Of The Accident, Nobody Felt A Thing.

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the articles. Reading is for the weak.

Why This Isn’t ‘The Most Important Election’ ~ Because they can’t ALL be, right?

Cool or creepy? It kisses back ~ Depends on what ‘It’ is.

Secret Service Reportedly Bragged About Obama In Brothel ~ So you’re just gonna take the hooker’s word for it?

Packers aide whose son died gets Miami job ~ So the story has a happy ending after all.

Drink a couple of beers & you might ace a test ~ Not a field sobriety test, though. Be warned.

In Fact, Not Every Time Is Miller Time.

7 ways to fix weird odors ~ 1) Bathe. 2) Bathe again. 3) Cologne. 4) Bathe. 5) Bathe. 6) 1 hour of intensive burlap dermabrasion therapy. 7) Bathe.

Popular Antibiotic May Raise Risk of Sudden Death ~Wait! They’re taking cardio-arrhythmocin off the market?

First-time porno viewer sees his wife in film ~ Yeah, ‘first time.’

Actress ‘can’t look away’ from boob jobs ~ We’re the same way.

They Have Their Own Gravitational Field; Light Itself Is Bent To Their Evil Desires.

Beaten for being born a girl? ~ Pussy can make men do crazy things.

23 Zoo Animals That Will Eat Your Children ~ 23 fun new ways to relieve yourself of an unwanted burden.

Iranian president: Israel ‘nothing more than a mosquito’ to Iran ~ No fair! We get in a whole mess of trouble when we call Jews ‘bloodsuckers.’

Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath? ~ Pfft. We’ve called 9 year-olds a whole lot worse.

Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed ~ Well, for one thing, if occupied at the time of destruction, it would go a long way toward solving America’s obesity epidemic.

Unlike The Previous Pic, Those Babies Are Real.

World record holder for ‘longest time to live with a bullet in the head’ dies ~ Pauly Shore–are you reading this? We may have just discovered your way back into the public eye!

Group argues weed is safer than booze ~ Unfortunately, they were arguing with a group of drunks, who promptly assaulted them. There were tearful apologies the next morning of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that Skeeter got a bottle shoved in his eye.

Because How Often Does A Stoner Throw A Punch?

Study: Heavy teens have trouble managing diabetes ~ Whereas physically fit teens have trouble contracting the malady.

2 teen girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on Pa. road are struck by car … ~ We can’t help but see this as a big win for the gene pool.

What’s the reason for Dodgers’ early surge? ~ Awesomeness, mostly. Pure awesomeness.

Women with PMS are better at seeing snakes ~ And that, folks, is absolutely the most positive spin they’re able to put on it.

Do Yourself A Favor: Stay Away.

‘Marrying down’ now is trending among women ~ Like that’s new. Hello? Smaktakula’s married!

Teen texts cops: ‘I hid the body … now what?’ ~ Now you cut off the fingertips and smash the teeth, making future identification of your victim more difficult for the authorities. Next, cover the body in lime to aid in decomposition. Lastly, as tempting as it may be to make a tearful, drunken confession to a close friend who will then inevitably turn you into the authorities, you’re best served by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll do it, though. You’ll talk.

Obama falls to Earth as just a politician ~ It happened a while ago, actually. The press is just now picking up on it.

How much can you trust a diagnosis from Dr. Google? ~ Seriously? Change your name, Creepo, and stay away from gynaecology altogether.

“Hey, Sweets…Maybe You Want To *heh heh* Have A Few Drinks *heh* Before You Come In.”

Profiles In Dignity II: Even Dignitier

29 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

bad parents, dignity, El Salvador, mullets, natural selection, places that suck, Promethean Times' ongoing commitment to treating all peoples and cultures with dignity and respect, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

See? No Matter How Shitty Your Life Is, You Can Take Comfort In Knowing That You're Not This Smegma Blossom.

In which we celebrate the faults & foibles which make us mortal. Humanity, you are beautiful!

***

Jordy Prepares A Photo For His Match.com Profile, Confident That Somewhere Out There Is A Gal Who Wants To Swap Fluids With A Freakish Human Pineapple.

***

El Hombre Del Volar La Comadreja, The El Salvadoran Batman, Is A Lot Like The Gringo Version, Except That He's A Little Softer Around The Middle And The Batcave Is A Rusted-Out Ice Cream Truck.

***

Here's Some Free Wisdom, Folks: Live Every Moment Of Life As If Your Ex-Girlfriend Might Be Watching.

***

There Are Many Ways To Ensure That Your Son Will Own A Massive 4X4 With Trailer-Hitch Testicles As Soon As He Can Drive. This Is Just One Of Them.

***

"Hey Is That A Skittle? My...HUH!...My God! It Is! FEED ME THAT GODDAMN...HUH!...GODDAMN SKITTLE RIGHT...HUH!...RIGHT GODDAMN NOW! *RONCH! RONCH! RONCH!* HUH! HUH! My God--That Was So...HUH!...HUH!...So Fucking Good."

***

At Least Grandma Died Doing What She Loved--Living In A Bizarre, Dementia-Drenched Fantasy World.

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We Can't Afford To Be Seen With You, That's For Darn Sure.

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It Can Be Tough To Watch, But Sometimes You Simply Have To Trust That Mother Nature Knows What She's Doing.

***

Yeah, Ha Ha, But Jimmy Has The Only Science Fair Project That's Worth A Damn. In Real Life, You Will NEVER Encounter A Situation Requiring You To Fashion An Electromagnet Out Of A Fishing Weight And Some Old Copper Wires. What Are You, Fucking McGuyver Now? YOU ROCK, JIMMY!

***

You Need Only To See The Terror In That Tiny Creature's Eyes To Know That While You're Distracted By The Epic Mullet, FiFi's Getting Fucked.

***

Messing With Mother Nature

12 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

crocodiles, death by crocodile, foolish choices, mother nature, natural selection, poor judgement, stupid people

By Smaktakula

Do We Really Need The Sign? Why Not Let Natural Selection Do Its Thing?

The Darwin Wand

07 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

21st Century, Alabama, cultural backwater, Darwin Wand, evolution, forced evolution, NASCAR, natural selection, Talladega, things which don't exist but should, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

The Darwin Wand, a wondrous magical artifact that allows its wielder to selectively bring a culturally-anachronistic target into the 21st Century, sadly does not exist.

After Receiving A Series Of Darwin Treatments, The Residents Of Talladega, Alabama Enjoy An Evening Of NASCAR.

Allergy Kids

18 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

allergies, aquagenic pruritus, blocking the sun, Bubble Boy, C. Montgomery Burns, David Vetter, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Travolta, kids with freakish allergies, nanny state, natural selection, peanuts, photodermatitis, salty menace, school lunches, schools, Science, sunlight, Ted DeVita, Vitamin D

By Smaktakula

Yeah, It Sucks Pretty Bad, But It Beats Being Jake Gyllenhaal. Being John Travolta Still Remains Slightly Preferable, However.

Even a generation ago, many children allergic to staple dietary items like nuts did not survive into adulthood.   But thanks to rapid advances in modern science and a growing societal willingness to forsake the majority for the specialized needs of the very, very few, these kids can now grow up to lead semi-normal lives.  This is accomplished largely by restricting not only what is served in school cafeterias, but also limiting what foods students can bring with them from home.

Some parents of non-allergic or normally-allergic children wonder aloud if these drastic measures are truly necessary.  But parents of children with freakish allergies maintain that they are, pointing out that critics might feel differently if their child was so afflicted.  “If even one child’s life is saved by these restrictions,” says Diana Buford-Milton, whose son Evan gets hives from eating strawberries, “Then the inconveniences suffered by the remaining 99%+ of the population are really a small price to pay.”

The Salty Menace Lurks In The Pantry Waiting To Strike. Your Child Could Be Eating Peanuts Right Now.

Promethean Times agrees vociferously.  Dietary restrictions are an excellent start, but it would be criminal to stop there when kids with unusual allergies are suffering.  The yearly death tolls sometimes reach double-digit figures.

Take for example the plight of children with photodermatitis, an allergy to sunlight.  Blacking out classroom windows and eliminating outside recess would improve their lives considerably.  While it is true that many studies show that sunlight is conducive to good health, Vitamin D supplements should meet the needs of “normal” children during the hours they are in school.  If parents choose to expose their children to sunlight outside of school hours, that’s their right.  But let’s keep our priorities straight: kids go to school to learn, not to work on their tans.

Don’t even get us started on aquagenic pruritus.

C. Montgomery Burns: Allergy Advocate

Something’s Cooking In The World Of Competitive Sauna

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Duh, Europe, Games, General Foolishness, Health, Sports

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

a watched pot never boils, burns, competitive sauna, completely preventable deaths, crazy bastard, crazy macho bullshit, criminal stupidity, death-oven, Finland, Finnish, Finns, for the love of the game, grisly innuendo, idiots, jackassery, lobster, masochism, morons, natural selection, prison work farm, pseudosport, quasi-athlete, Russian, sports-related deaths, suicide, Timo Kaukonen, Vladimir Ladyzhensky, what the fuck is wrong with you people?, World Sauna Championship, you don't see the fucking lobster boiling itself do you?

By Smaktakula

The sporting world is still aboil about the news dispatches steaming out of Finland reporting the tragic death of Russian quasi-athlete Vladimir Ladyzhensky.  Ladyzhensky, along with his Finnish opponent Timo Kaukonen, collapsed during the annual World Sauna Championships in Finland.  Both men suffered severe burns and were admitted to the hospital, where Ladyzhensky later died.                             

It May Look Easy, Kids--But If You Want To Make It To The Big Leagues You've Got To Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins And Practice, Practice, Practice!

Thanks in large part to recent media coverage, a new generation of fans is coming to appreciate this exciting and fast-growing ‘sport.’  The roots of competitive sauna reach far back into Finland’s history; hanging around in a hot, steamy room with other dudes has long been a favored pastime.  The ghastly exercise in masochism has been a professional sport in Finland since 1999.                             

Although most Finns readily welcome the dizzying globalization of their sport, they remain fiercely proud of its Finnish origins.  This pride has manifested itself in a variety of ways, including the recent creation of a Finnish Bureau of Tourism.  The Bureau’s first act as a body was to devise the popular slogan: Finland–A Little More Than Just Reindeer!                          

When It Was A Game: Florida Prison Farm Inmates Played Not For Money, But For The Love Of Competitive Sauna.

Ladyzhensky’s shocking death can’t help but cast a pall over professional sauna.  Inwardly, everyone connected with the sport is no doubt plagued by the same internal question: Could we have done something to prevent this?                             

Sadly, the answer is No.  Self-recrimination is a part of human nature, and while some soul-searching is probably inevitable, it comes to little in the end.  Although this terrible event will no doubt be parsed and dissected by historians for generations to come, the exact cause of this tragedy will never truly be known.  That athletes die sometimes with no apparent cause is perhaps the cruelest lesson that sports can teach us.                          

"What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People? Damn."

Vladimir Ladyzhensky may have left competitive sauna, but the rare Russian will forever be seared into the collective consciousness of the game he loved.   His fellow competitors will no doubt shed a collective tear* in his memory as they take that first barefoot step into the searing death-oven that is the symbol of this much-beloved pseudosport.  Ladyzhensky wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.                             

*This is intended for figurative purposes only.  When one’s profession involves killing time in a 230° hot box, remaining well-hydrated is the surest strategy to victory, and may help to stave off death for a few precious seconds.

‘Choking Game’ Claims Victim; Promethean Times Urges Panic

03 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Games, General Foolishness, Health, National Events

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

choking game, death by asphyxiation, drugs, Erik Robinson, hysteria, Jenkem, natural selection, overreaction, panic, sensationalism, wacky ideas, yellow journalism

By Smaktakula

The hidden scourge of America’s youth has claimed another victim.  Erik Robinson died on April 20th after playing the ‘Choking Game.’  The rules of the game are sketchy, but it can be assumed that Robinson lost.

A ghastly situation like this one calls for sympathy and compassion.  It would be in the very worst taste, for example, to point out that Promethean Times was ahead of the pack in spotlighting this pernicious destroyer of youth, and had Little Erik heeded this warning, the boy might very well be alive right now.  It’s difficult to imagine anyone stooping to that sort of verbal thuggery.

Even more than critical than sympathy or compassion, however, is the need for blind, unreasoning panic.  This situation is far too dangerous for America to stand by idly doing nothing.  Something must be done, and quickly.  This may mean entertaining hastily laid plans which will later take a tremendous toll, perhaps in terms of money, infrastructure or even human lives.  The danger makes it worth the risk!

Don’t do nothing–do something!

And while you’re at it, be aware of dangers like the designer drug, Jenkem, which can be made using products found in the typical American bathroom.

Natural Selection On Display Within Somali Pirate Community

14 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Africa, Crime, Culture, Food, Health, Humor, International Relations, Justice, Military, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

buccaneers, corsairs, Emil Haagerdäddi, freebooters, Horn of Africa, maritime trade, natural selection, piracy, pirate community, pirates, scurvologists, slackjawed halfwits, Somali pirates, Somalia, Stupid Gene

By Smaktakula

The waters surrounding the Horn of Africa have long served as the historic hunting grounds of Somali pirates.  In the face of such diverse threats as globalization and climate change, the proud Somali buccaneers fight diligently to maintain their way of life.   Now, they may be aiding scientists to better understand how natural selection works in a real-life environment.

Recently, observers of the Somali pirate ecosystem have discovered a disturbing trend.  While most Somali pirates choose as their victims vulnerable vessels which command high ransoms, an increasing number of Somali pirates are attacking navy vessels in seemingly futile actions which almost always result in the pirates’ death or capture.  On the surface this sort of behavior would appear to be so moronic and assbackward as to threaten the Somali pirate community’s very existence.  In actuality, it is this phenomenon which keeps the community vibrant and healthy.

No Country For Old Men: Aging Pirates Like Simon (Above) Can't Afford To Retire

These are rough times for African corsairs.  An increasing number of young men are choosing the time-honored profession, but older pirates are clinging to their jobs, unwilling to trust in the Elderly Somali Pirate Fund, available to those venerable cutthroats who live long enough to reach retirement age at twenty-eight.  At the same time, maritime traffic around the Horn of Africa–a primary source of a Somali pirate’s livelihood–is becoming more scarce.  Compounding the pirates’ woes, those ships which do travel African waters are increasingly well-armed.

Enter the miracle of Natural Selection.  When there are too many pirates in relation to available plunder, nature ensures that the fittest and wiliest pirates live to produce numerous offspring, while pirates with less-favorable attributes are often killed before they can sire more than six or seven young.

His Favorable Genetic Characteristics Ensure A Life Of Swag, Booty and Wenches Wenches Wenches!

For years, scientists have theorized about a possible ‘Stupid Gene’ in humans.  Now, with a seemingly greater number of Somali pirates acting like idiots, scurvologists (maritime piracy scientists) believe they have their proof.  ‘Stupid Gene’ theory postulates that during times of abundance and lack of adversity, the so-called ‘Stupid Gene’ (DDD) rarely manifests.

Stupid Gene proponents claim that the situation in Coastal East Africa demonstrates the soundness of the theory.  Says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at The East Africa Maritime Council, an Omaha, Nebraska-based think tank.

You’ll notice that during the times of abundance–when there are a lot of poorly-defended ships in East African waters, we see fewer pirate casualties.

The really interesting thing is when there are fewer ships off the Horn, and a greater presence of well-armed naval vessels on the lookout for pirates, we’re seeing a lot more dead pirates.  We believe that pirates who exhibit DDD {the ‘Stupid Gene’} are the ones attacking the naval vessels and getting slaughtered for it.

But in this way, healthier and stronger pirates reap the rewards of plunder, and pass on their superior genes to generations of freebooters yet unborn, thus making the community as a whole stronger.  It’s quite beautiful, really.

The 'Stupid Gene': Kind Of A Bummer, But Necessary For The Greater Good

Presumably it’s not as beautiful for those pirates afflicted with DDD, scores of whom perish each month at the hands of navy personnel or well-armed merchant seamen.  Dr. Haagerdäddi counters, “No one cares what stupid people think.”

But scientists do care how stupid people act.  If further scientific research does uncover proof of a ‘Stupid Gene,’ it will go a long way toward answering questions which have for centuries bedeviled philosophers, social scientists and other observers of slackjawed halfwits.

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