Tags
Amelia Earhart, bad decisions, Dennis Hopper, don't vote stupid, Dwight Eisenhower, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, foolish choices, Gwendolyn Brooks, Kansans, Kansas, Kansas City, Langston Hughes, Missouri, places that suck, Reverend Fred Phelps, Rick Santorum, Westboro Baptist Church, Why am I so stupid?
By Smaktakula
Rick Santorum has been declared the winner of the Kansas caucuses!
Before You Judge The Kansans Too Harshly, Put Yourselves In Their Shoes. If You Were Forced To Live Out Your Days In An Anachronistic, Wheat-Choked Countertop Of A State With A Holstein Named Beulah As Your Sole Companion, You'd Likely Make Some Nutty Decisions Now And Then.
Did you know that Langston Hughes, Dennis Hopper, Gwendolyn Brooks, Amelia Earhart and Dwight Eisenhower all hailed from Kansas? Not a one of them thought enough of the place to die there.¹
Even Kansas' Most Famous City Isn't Actually IN Kansas.²
Promethean Times 
oh good lord. That’s just scary. ***shakes head***
Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore….
Yeah, and thank God for that! I’ve been to Kansas once and done exactly two interesting things. 1) I visited the Eisenhower Presidential Library, and 2) I saw a Kansas City Royals game. And I’m including the Missouri-based ball club to be kind.
Alas, my home state of North Dakota was similarily stymied. That’s probably because the rest of us long fled the state. When I read Rick Santorum’s words, I have to stop, look out the window, and make sure I didn’t travel back in time. About 200 years.
Thanks, as always, for reading!
To be fair, Rick Santorum’s thinking is probably more in line with the late-19th Century, rather than the early portions. By our calculations, his election as President would set the US back no more than 150-185 years.
Being from North Dakota, you should definitely read our hard-hitting piece on the Dakotas. It’s an eye-opener.
Coincidentally, we’ll be sending Tardsie out to North Dakota in a week or so to investigate the rumors that N. Dakota is a burgeoning hotbed of whatever it is those people do up there.
Oh, I wish him well. I’m sure he’ll enjoy the long stretches of nothingness where you can drive and not even use the steering wheel because the roads are so straight (but I encourage him to use it anyway; there are some speed demons on those roads along with the occasional tractor crossing). Oh, and buffalo.
Thanks for the link to the Dakota piece. I enjoyed it. I think.
I think it’s gonna be awesome–I’ve always wanted to go to North Dakota. I think I’m gonna check out Deadwood, and I’ll probably lose some $$$ in various Black Hills casinos. Oh, and of course I’ll visit Mt. Rushmore and see the progress on the Crazy Horse Monument. Honestly, with all those things going for it, I don’t see how I could possibly be disappointed by North Dakota.
Sorry, Mt. Rushmore’s in South Dakota. But I guess that really doesn’t help my case any, does it?
No, especially as they’re ALL in South Dakota.
Let us lament the awesome joke that has been so cruelly undone here.
“Awesome” is pretty generous, don’t you think? And anyway, there will be more opportunities.
Yes, I know they are all in South Dakota. I was trying to prevent you further embarrassment in case you were serious. I am a kind heart underneath my cynicism. But since you’ve proved you’re a smart ass (as if I didn’t already know), I encourage you to get your face really close to the Badlands’ terrain (which ARE in North Dakota) and befriend a rattler.
As a crusty gal, I do enjoy your caustic snark. You can’t scare me away. 🙂
And for those of you who worry I am serious given the unreadable tone in online comments, I am only kidding about the rattler. Maybe…
We do appreciate your efforts to spare our feelings. For a long time, the bulk of the comments PT received were from people pointing our “factual errors” (“Hitler was NOT from Belgium!”), so I’ve become quite accustomed to people thinking I’m a moron. For the wrong reasons, anyway.
Yes, perhaps in retrospect, the awesomeness of the joke is questionable. Let us agree that it was without a doubt solid B material. Maybe B+ even.
How has Mitt Romney been unable to use Santorum’s crazy against him? I can’t believe people think this fuckin’ guy can run the country.
I hear you. It’s like those 1-800 Psychic lines they used to advertise. Although I didn’t know anyone who would admit to calling one, SOMEONE was obviously doing it.
That also explains why your local market might carry pickled pigs’ feet.
Ah, Bloody Kansas, returning from anonymity to astound us again.
You guys should watch out, I think crubin has your number!
You make an excellent point, Guap–for a state with a population of just over 3,750 people, they’ve caused a lot of trouble over the years!