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Tag Archives: Kansas

It’s Okay Kansas, You Just Don’t Know No Better

11 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, bad decisions, Dennis Hopper, don't vote stupid, Dwight Eisenhower, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, foolish choices, Gwendolyn Brooks, Kansans, Kansas, Kansas City, Langston Hughes, Missouri, places that suck, Reverend Fred Phelps, Rick Santorum, Westboro Baptist Church, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Rick Santorum has been declared the winner of the Kansas caucuses!

Before You Judge The Kansans Too Harshly, Put Yourselves In Their Shoes. If You Were Forced To Live Out Your Days In An Anachronistic, Wheat-Choked Countertop Of A State With A Holstein Named Beulah As Your Sole Companion, You'd Likely Make Some Nutty Decisions Now And Then.

Did you know that Langston Hughes, Dennis Hopper, Gwendolyn Brooks, Amelia Earhart and Dwight Eisenhower all hailed from Kansas? Not a one of them thought enough of the place to die there.¹

Even Kansas' Most Famous City Isn't Actually IN Kansas.²

¹The Santorum vote starts to make more sense when you realize that Fred Phelps and his odious Westboro Baptist Church hail from Kansas. ∞ T.
²Okay, there is technically a Kansas City, Kansas–but you won’t ever be required to know that. ∞ T.

The Westboro Baptist Church Pretty Much Hates Everybody

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

bigotry, childish sexual innuendo, Christianity, Claymation, crazy people, Davey & Goliath, death by automobile, death by drunk driving, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, Gay Pride Parade, God Hates Fags, homosexuality, IEDs, Kansas, New York, New York City, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Westboro Baptist Church, Wizard of Oz, yokels

Not Unlike The Protagonists From The Wizard Of Oz, Fred's Got No Heart, No Brains, No Courage, And He's A Little Bitch From Kansas.

In a maneuver of daring doucheness which surprised both their foes and their fringy clutch of boosters alike, yokel commandos from the Westboro Baptist Church staged a brazen assault on America’s East Coast.  The majority of their forces were directed at New York’s Gay Pride Parade, with some held in reserve in the event of a public memorial for Jackass Jackass Ryan Dunn.

Fred's Daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper: You Can See The Crazy Oozing Out Of Her Like Stink From A Dog.

Westboro Baptist, the righteous army of the execrable douchelord Fred Phelps, has gained notoriety in recent years by picketing funerals, most notably those of fallen soldiers and marines.  These Kansan cock-knockers believe that America has strayed from the course intended by the Almighty by failing to lynch outright pernicious elements of society, most particularly homosexuals.  It remains unclear why the Lord of Lords has chosen as His sole prophet a deranged old nutbag from the prairie whose idea of saving souls is waving a placard thanking God for IEDs while screaming incoherently at grieving survivors.  Nevertheless, the indefatigable Clan Westboro is an increasing media presence.

What?!? The Space Shuttle? Why God, Why?

Westboro’s assault on New York City’s Gay Pride Parade is  in retaliation for New York State’s recent legalization of gay marriage, which according to one source close to Phelps has made the preacher “flaming mad, absolutely raging.”  Although the handful of church weirdos who showed up to protest the event were dwarfed in number by the gazillions who attended to celebrate, a spokesidiot for the WBC likened their situation to that of David and Goliath.  She then went on to explain twice that the story of David and Goliath has nothing at all to do with a TV show about a Claymation sissyboy and his talking dog.  She reconfirmed this information in a follow-up interview.

If God Really Hates This Dude, Why Did The Almighty Waste So Much Time On Meticulous Detail?

It is believed that several Westboro operatives remain on the East Coast, planning to disrupt the inevitable memorial to Dunn, which although as-yet-unannounced, most experts believe will have to occur soon before the reality-television clown fades from public’s goldfish-like memory.  Dunn died along with another person last week, in what in other circumstances would be called a murder-suicide, but because it was vehicular has been termed a ‘drunk driving accident.’

Granted, It Was Somewhat Irresponsible Of Dunn To Drive Drunk, Killing Himself And Another Person. But It Was REALLY Irresponsible For Roger Ebert To Suggest That Dunn Might Have Been Drunk Before The World Found Out That He Was.

Given the potential exposure of such a public event, which media outlets like MTV will be only too happy to hijack, the Church has an opportunity to bring their peculiar brand of Christianity to a wider audience.  However, the halfwits who grieve for Dunn aren’t likely to understand how the presumably heterosexual Jackass’ moronic and useless death has anything to do with God hating homosexuals.  The three or four whole-to-partially-witted folks who witness the event are likely to have the same problem.

We Remain Unconvinced That Talking About 'God's Rod' Is The Most Effective Way To Get Folks To Stop Thinking About Man-Sausage.

Larry The Cable Guy Facing Stompification

07 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

cable networks, Canada, chewing tobacco, dangerous people, death by Don King, death by kicking, Deep South, Deliverance, Don King, historians, History, inbreeding, jackassery, Kansas, Kinglish, Larry the Cable Guy, money for nothing, NASCAR, non-historians, Only in America, rednecks, scary people, stereotypes, stupid people, sweet hockey moves, the unfunnying of America, TV for idiots, Uncle-Daddy, unfunny comedians, untalented stars, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula
Larry the Cable Guy Tickets

Larry Is Just Another Reason That, If We Had Any Sweet Hockey Moves, We Would Have Moved To Canada Years Ago.

Cretinous stereotype Larry The Cable Guy has teamed with infotainment network History for the new series Only In America, which profiles such uniquely American innovations as the origins of NASCAR or the popularization of smokeless tobacco. History, formerly the History Channel, is steadily moving away from history the way MTV fled from music in the early 1990s.

"I'm A-Goin' To See Larry With My Uncle And Daddy. We're Both Really Big Fans."

Although Larry is not the first non-historian to host a show on History, the unfunny comedian is thought to be network’s first presenter completely lacking in talent.  Nonetheless, History executives are said to be very pleased with Larry.  Said one, “Who better to honestly present the unvarnished truth of history than a dude from Kansas who honors America by pretending to be a heavily accented dimwit from the Deep South?”

The New History Network: Because Sometimes 'Lifetime' Gets Too Information-Heavy.

Only in America, which debuts tomorrow, has already attracted its share of critics.  Among them is electroshock-coiffed fight promoter Don King, who has for years used the phrase “Only in America” as something of a trademark.  King, who once kicked a man to death, is said to be “Inconsolulate” over what he considers “Thieverification of the lowest order,” adding, “This injustitude will be revelated in the shining light of honestifery and greeted with commensurable wrathness!”

"Justifaction Is At Hand, Oh Yes!" Don Is Suspicious Of Those Things From Which He Does Not Receive Direct Compensation.

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