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Tag Archives: Amelia Earhart

Headlines 08.16.12

16 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, Atlanta Braves, Aurora Massacre, Big Pharma, Camaroon, China, cocaine, dope, drunken Irishmen, Facebook, free speech, gay people, Germany, grass, Handi Wipes, headlines, hemp, hippies, hookers, marijuana, places that suck, pot, reefer, Sikh Massacre, slavery, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Son of Sam, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

If We Can No Longer Trust The Krauts To Be Racially Sensitive, What Hope Is Left?

In which we opine on the day’s headlines without first reading the stories.

***

Amelia Earhart: Better feminist than pilot? ~ Let’s fucking hope so!

Study: Rich, poor Americans increasingly likely to live in separate neighborhoods ~ Because in times of old, the industrialist robber barons preferred to slum it among the great unwashed.

A Facebook ‘Like’ Is Free Speech ~ At its most cowardly and least significant.

Olympic female badminton players face charges ~ You just don’t see this kind of thing happening with the goodminton players.

‘Son of Sam’ Killer: Aurora, Sikh Massacres ‘Senseless’ ~ But if, for example, a dude killed couples who were making out in cars ’cause a talking dog told him to do it, that would make a lot more sense.

“The French Embassy, Benny. Tomorrow, Noon. No Survivors.”

Alzheimer’s drug research halted ~ “To be fair, we didn’t halt it precisely, but rather we…ah…we…Are you my grandson?”

‘I don’t want my friends to die on my birthday’ ~ Same here. We’re holding out for Christmas.

Think You’re Gay? It Shows in Your Eyes ~ Ha!–You’ve got the Queer Eye.

7 Cameroon athletes missing from Olympic village ~ “Hey! The flight back to our jerkwater African Republic leaves in an hour! You guys will be so pissed if you miss it!”

Researchers doubt positive aspects of medical marijuana ~ And by ‘researchers’, we mean Justice Department fart-catchers and their Big Pharma masters.

Dude, If You REALLY Want To Help The Cause, Maybe Grab A Shower And Cut That Rat’s Nest Off Your Head.

US Presidential Election Takes Negative Turn ~ Verily. It is our most fervent hope that the scurrilous example set by both the Adams and Jefferson campaigns shall not be repeated in 1800’s presidential contest.

Are Team USA’s $500 Leotards Worth It? ~ Well now, that depends–have you guys already laundered them or are they still stinky? And do you accept PayPal?

Autopsy inconclusive for Obama staffer remembered as dedicated to campaign ~ He found out too late that the Kool-Aid comes at a pretty high price.

His other car is on Mars ~ Oh, he’s lying to you, honey. He ain’t got no other car.

Octopus hitches ride on dolphin’s genitals ~ Hey, we’ve got an idea: who wants to go fishing?

He’s Wearing One Right Now!

What it feels like to be attacked by a great white shark ~ Obviously, each  experience is unique and subject to myriad factors which can influence the outcome. However, agony and intense terror usually figure in there somewhere.

Irishman gives expert Olympic sailing commentary ~ “Ah fookin’ telt ye ah know fook all abaht boots, but ye can’t fookin’ oonerstan me, can ye, ye wee daft fookers?”

Exercise termed ‘Wonder Drug’ ~ Trickery is the only way to get fatties to try it.

21 Burned in Walk Over Hot Coals at Robbins Event ~ We have a modicum of sympathy for the first couple fire-walkers, but if you’re idiot #21, who’s just been asked to please step aside so the paramedics can get through, why not “go big” and just walk across the coals on your face?

Braves give Smoltz team’s highest honor ~ The Tomahawk Chop!

Often Native Americans Would Perform This Ceremony While Loitering Outside Stadiums On Game Day, Selling Loose Tickets. The Name Just Stuck.

Tavis Smiley: Poverty is the new slavery ~ So, did they not have poverty back in olden times? Otherwise, poverty is still poverty, and you’ll have to look a little harder to find the new slavery.

Why Certain Countries Dominate the Games ~ Because certain countries are naturally more awesome than others. That, and China cheats.

‘Mentally disabled’ man executed in Texas ~ Beginning writers often muddy their prose with extraneous words. Incisive, elegant writing means eschewing redundancies. This sentence should read “Texan executed.”

Live Alone? You’re Not Alone ~ But really you are. Very much alone.

Picking up more than a hooker ~ Well, sure–you can’t forget cocaine & Handi Wipes.

‘Cause It’s For Sure Gonna Get Messy.

Headlines: 06.29.12

29 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, Australia, Bashar al-Assad, Cher, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, headlines, Home Depot, Kim Kardashian, Michael Bloomberg, New York, porn, RFK, Sirhan Sirhan, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Stonehenge, Syria, the French, TSA, Uganda, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

You Need To Let That One Go, Fellas. Nature Will Sort Everything Out.

Look–you can read the articles if you want, but we get all we need to know from the headlines.

Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.

World’s oldest known pottery discovered in China ~ Archaeologists contend that despite its antiquity, the remarkable find is every bit as lame and boring as modern pottery.

NY man admits to pouring bleach into children’s milk ~ Mayor Bloomberg personally arranged for his release, arguing that at zero calories, bleach was a healthy alternative to high-calorie sodas.

Here’s a Photo of Lightning Striking the Empire State Building Yesterday ~ What a rare and beautiful sight! You know, lightning only strikes the ESB 500 times a year.

Kim K. doesn’t know what ‘virgin’ means ~ To be fair, virginity isn’t something she’s had to worry about since she was nine.

“Am I The One That Likes To Get Peed On? I Can’t Even Remember Any More.”

Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found ~ Forcing the FDA to reevaluate the claims made by the manufacturers of ‘disappearing creams.’

Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls from Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up ~ She was only doing what she thought was right. If they’re under the weight-limit, you’re supposed to toss ’em back.

Attorneys: Sandusky’s adopted son says he’s also a victim ~The kid’s adopted, so at least they can’t throw incest into the mix.

Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?

Looking for Pedro Hernandez ~ Have you already checked the parking lot of Home Depot?

For $9 An Hour And A Big Mac, He’ll Be Anyone You Want Him To.

Porn star claims butt is hers~ No one’s quite figured out how to break it to her that her ass is now public domain.

Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.

Mystery of Stonehenge solved? ~ Most likely not.

French president defends early Afghan withdrawal ~ Yeah, but he’s got a speech already prepared. The French are no strangers to leaving the game before the whistle blows.

Woman gets naked at airport ~ Making the pat-down for the guy behind her very awkward.

We’d Fly A Lot More, That’s For Damn Sure.

Earth Day initiatives becoming commonplace ~ But no less tiresome.

RFK assassination witness tells CNN: There was a second shooter ~ The witness later recanted, confirming that there had in fact been only one shooter. Explaining his confusion he said, “I thought there were two different guys named ‘Sirhan.’ My bad.”

Woman, child survive mauling by cheetahs ~ Seriously impugning the feline’s claim to be the fastest land animal in the world.

Egypt official says election results to be released Sunday ~ The families of election officials to be released Monday.

TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”

The Reward Of Those Who Come Here Is A Burning Impotence And Tears Of Regret.

It’s Okay Kansas, You Just Don’t Know No Better

11 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, bad decisions, Dennis Hopper, don't vote stupid, Dwight Eisenhower, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, foolish choices, Gwendolyn Brooks, Kansans, Kansas, Kansas City, Langston Hughes, Missouri, places that suck, Reverend Fred Phelps, Rick Santorum, Westboro Baptist Church, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Rick Santorum has been declared the winner of the Kansas caucuses!

Before You Judge The Kansans Too Harshly, Put Yourselves In Their Shoes. If You Were Forced To Live Out Your Days In An Anachronistic, Wheat-Choked Countertop Of A State With A Holstein Named Beulah As Your Sole Companion, You'd Likely Make Some Nutty Decisions Now And Then.

Did you know that Langston Hughes, Dennis Hopper, Gwendolyn Brooks, Amelia Earhart and Dwight Eisenhower all hailed from Kansas? Not a one of them thought enough of the place to die there.¹

Even Kansas' Most Famous City Isn't Actually IN Kansas.²

¹The Santorum vote starts to make more sense when you realize that Fred Phelps and his odious Westboro Baptist Church hail from Kansas. ∞ T.
²Okay, there is technically a Kansas City, Kansas–but you won’t ever be required to know that. ∞ T.

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