In which we stop reading after the headlines, and tell you the rest:
11-year-old girl dies after fight with 5th grader over a boy ~ The 11-year-old clearly didn’t want it badly enough.
Feds send lady pot every month ~ Meet the future Mrs. Smaktakula!
Take it from a girl who cannot eat, a feeding tube is no fad ~ Just what the fuck is wrong with you that you think you have to tell us that?
Donated kidney gets third owner ~ Dude, if you weren’t gonna keep it, you could have given the fucking thing back.
10 Things Parents Should Know About The Avengers (Spoiler-Free) ~ Thor’s a pedophile, Captain America’s got a raging coke habit, and the Hulk’s a ginormous DayGlo homo. See the flick for the other seven.
Prostitute gives NBA advice ~ A professional’s advice is needed to stop them from dribbling before they shoot.
Man loves naked stone lady ~ That’s a little different! But at least it’s not a naked stone man. That would be an offense against nature.
Your Vagina Isn’t Just Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy—It’s Also Too Brown ~ And can we talk about the smell?
Helen Keller-brand glasses? ~ They’re called “gheghek5gkedk.” Ask for them by name.
CHRIS BROWN’S NEW PICKUP LINE: “I PROMISE I WON’T BEAT YOU” ~ We get so much tail with that one.
How Muslims View Easter ~ Just another day to blow shit up.
How I Stopped Drowning in Drink ~ And got all preachy.
Cops: Woman burned to death owed suspect $2000 ~ For $2,000 we’ll just slap you around a little–maybe cut you up a bit. We don’t start burning until you’re into us for at least five figures.
Secret Service scandal linked to lack of women in agency ~ Well, right–if there were more ladies around, the fellas wouldn’t have had to go to the brothel in the first place.
20th Anniversary Of The Los Angeles Riots Remembered Sunday ~ Not by Reginald Denny–that guy doesn’t remember shit!
Gay comes up short in first playoff game ~ And if losing the game wasn’t bad enough, afterwards, Straight and his asshole buddies threw rocks at Gay.
Lawyer: Autistic boy’s teacher didn’t call him ‘bastard’ ~ “Completely untrue. I called him a ‘wretched little Mongoloid doomed to shamble through life on the taxpayer’s dime leaving a whiff of urine in his lurching wake,’ but you know, retards don’t understand ‘people-talk’ very well, so that could sound like ‘bastard.'”
Pregnant Girl to Wed Slain Shooting Victim ~ Sexual congress with the dead is illegal in 49 states. Hello, Alabama!
11-Year-Old Girl Who Gave Birth Is Not Normal ~ The devil you say!