AIDS, Batman, Charles Manson, Chicago Cubs, dope, first world problems, grass, headlines, hemp, Joe Biden, Los Angeles Lakers, marijuana, Octomom, pornography, reefer, San Diego Padres, sweet sweet cheeba, weed
In which, for the briefest of moments, we look up from the drudgery of our deadline long enough to comment on some news stories we can’t be bothered to read. Enjoy!
Pa. mom charged with killing her toddler twins Adam and Eve ~ We’re not sure just why Adam had to bite it, but that Eve was one bad apple. *** Start with a winner, folks–that’s our motto!
Skier dies after falling 2,000 feet ~ That would more properly make him a sky-diver.
Biden says end to wars gives US new flexibility ~ Totally. We can go start a couple new wars if we want.
Koreans busted for stamina pills made from dead babies ~ They’re called ‘Soyrent Green.’
And Your Next ‘American Idol’ Is … ~ The Ely, Nevada Wendy’s Employee of the Month for February, 2015.
10 Things to Never Put on Your Resume ~ Six of them are things you can do with your penis.
Is ‘old-person smell’ for real? ~ You don’t actually know any old people, do you?
New Evidence in Manson murders? ~ After seeing the new evidence, we’re starting to believe Manson might have been guilty after all.
$10K reward for bear killer ~ Ironically, no reward offered for killer bear.
Jesus’ crucifixion date found? ~ It’s Memorial Day. And that’s why on July 4th, we celebrate with fireworks.
Baseball: Chicago Cubs snap 12-game losing streak, beat San Diego Padres ~ We don’t want to bring yet even more misery to the Windy City, but a victory against the Padres doesn’t actually count toward snapping a losing streak. Sorry!
Octomom’s First Porn Shoot Had WHAT? ~ Dignity? Class? A pleasing smell? We give up.
Lakers drop Thunder in double overtime ~ How embarrassing. They might have avoided this if only they’d used the little boy’s room before the big game.
The Horror of Being Hacked in Diablo 3 ~ Hmm. You’re sure that qualifies as a horror? We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you’re unaware that right now in Swaziland, a little AIDS orphan is starving to death. But you’re right, being hacked does suck.
Weaponized kitty to dominate ~ It’s an adorabomination!
Is Philanthropy Print Journalism’s Last Hope? ~ You mean giving newspapers away for free? That’s still a little more than we want to pay.
In general, Shaq not suited for GM job ~ Apparently two of the big criteria were the ability to form a coherent sentence and to make three shots in a row from the line.
Woman on scooter injured in collision with semi in SLO ~Obviously we’re glad the woman survived the accident, but it doesn’t say much for the truck that it wasn’t able to kill a chick on a scooter.
Is Batman Coming Out of the Closet? ~ Do you mean the same Batman who dresses in spandex and prowls the filthy backstreets looking for rough action, accompanied at all times by a thirteen-year-old boy in a domino mask and green, fish-scale Speedos? We’d say he’s been out and proud for a while.
Your blog maintains its distinct honor of making me laugh and then making me feel bad for laughing. Something like: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha–Oh, wait…
I guess as long as I keep doing the “Oh, wait…” I’m still a good person?
By the way, I saved that old person smell article yesterday because I plan to do a blog post on it soon. Because really, that was too good to let pass by.
Thanks–I’m always delighted to participate in your debasement.
In all seriousness, though, while I enjoy most kinds of humor (the exceptions being slapstick, fart jokes, and low-low-low brow humor; I saw that you mentioned the odious ‘Dumb & Dumber’ on another blog–I fucking LOATHE that movie and all movies of its kind–life is too fucking short for that kind of crap), I often appreciate humor which challenges my beliefs or even makes me angry while making me laugh at the same time. If it gets a reaction from me like that, there’s SOMETHING to it, y’know? I know you also like Bill Maher. Maher, like South Park, sometimes offends me (which is a reaction, but I don’t get all offended if you know what I mean), but even in offending me forces me to at least think about why I reacted the way I did. Humor–sometimes even bad humor–can be important.
I agree, though there are limits to what’s funny. But that limit differs for everyone, and the trick is to not get offended just because it’s not your cup of tea. If people don’t find something funny, they can click it off or stop reading. They shouldn’t impart their own restrictions on others. Just my two cents.
I finished Maher’s book. Although I don’t agree with everything he says, I thought it was hilarious. There’s another political humor book I read several years ago: Al Franken’s “Lies (And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them): A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right.” It’s a little dated now, but that was another one that made me laugh so much I cried. And I rarely cry.
But please tell me you’re being sarcastic about “Dumb and Dumber.” How can Jeff Daniels on the crapper after too much laxative not be funny?
Your affection for that movie makes you more real to me. What makes a person interesting is not just their many talents, but sometimes their tragic, inexplicable flaws.
It’s funny you mention that scene, because (especially as it is the only scene I remember) it has come to represent the entire movie for me. Ugh. What a ghastly flick.
Have you seen Freddy Got Fingered? It’s like “Dumb & Dumber” only not as highbrow.
No, “Freddy Got Fingered” is not really a movie title I would normally gravitate to. But I’m sure it’s funny, because, unlike you, I am not a humor snob. I find even flatulent, diarrhea slapstick humor entertaining. So pull my finger and na na na na boo boo. 😉
Well then, it sounds like you’ve got a movie to watch. Not being a humor snob, you’ll no doubt howl at the madcap antics of Tom Green as he hilariously impersonates a doctor, and against the will of the screaming, pleading mother, delivers the baby forcibly, then, to break the umbilicus, he swings the infant around the room by the chord, spattering the room in blood; or when Tom’s lifelong friend suffers a compound fracture, so Tom amuses himself by poking the extruding bone, again to screams; or when Tom, in an ultimately successful bid to earn his father’s love, jerks off an elephant into his dad’s face.
I’m not kidding. I own the movie. Go see it. You will thank me.
Hmm, as enticing as that movie sounds, I’m not sure Tom Green can hold weight with Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. I require some talent in my comedies of choice. But I think the fact that you own that movie speaks for itself…
Well–and I’m being serious here–it is the most heinous movie I’ve ever seen. A lot of people throw around superlatives–e.g.,”It was the WORST party I’ve ever been to!; I’ve never tasted anything so bad!”–not me, though. FGF is quite literally the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen Plan 9. I’ve seen Ishtar. I’ve seen (as previously mentioned) Dumb & Dumber–this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
So why wouldn’t I own it?
Oh, you make me laugh. The worst I’ve seen–well, the worst I can remember most recently–was “Bruno.” I like “Borat” and I want to see “The Dictator,” but “Bruno” just didn’t do it for me. My husband stopped the DVD after the helicoptering private parts. I guess the artistry was lost on him…
After last weeks, I keep thinking how many of these headlines would simply benefit from the explanation “it’s Smaktakula time…”
You have too much fun, Smak! I agree with Crubin..she was spot-on with her comment! You’re kinda like Chelsea Handler meets Rodney Dangerfield…. 🙂
So I guess what you’re saying is that while I’m kinda MILF-y and have a decent rack, I still get no respect.
hahaha – good one! Smak’d it right out the ballpark!
El Guapo said:
From the resume article, I think the other 4 are things you can do to your penis.
Or so I’ve heard.
Ask Batman. He probably knows…
If he doesn’t, Robin sure as hell does!
Jennifer Worrell said:
I laughed my ass off, because I’m a class-A bad human. I’m okay with that, I think…
Thanks, Jennifer–as we like to put it, ‘We’re perfectly at ease with our hypocrisy.’
Jennifer Worrell said: