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By Smaktakula

Sadly, That Bogart Smaktakula Refused To Pass It.

In which, for the briefest of moments, we look up from the drudgery of our deadline long enough to comment on some news stories we can’t be bothered to read. Enjoy!

Pa. mom charged with killing her toddler twins Adam and Eve ~ We’re not sure just why Adam had to bite it, but that Eve was one bad apple. *** Start with a winner, folks–that’s our motto!

Skier dies after falling 2,000 feet ~ That would more properly make him a sky-diver.

Biden says end to wars gives US new flexibility ~ Totally. We can go start a couple new wars if we want.

Koreans busted for stamina pills made from dead babies ~ They’re called ‘Soyrent Green.’

“My God, It Made From Peeper!”

And Your Next ‘American Idol’ Is … ~ The Ely, Nevada Wendy’s Employee of the Month for February, 2015.

10 Things to Never Put on Your Resume ~ Six of them are things you can do with your penis.

Is ‘old-person smell’ for real? ~ You don’t actually know any old people, do you?

New Evidence in Manson murders? ~ After seeing the new evidence, we’re starting to believe Manson might have been guilty after all.

$10K reward for bear killer ~ Ironically, no reward offered for killer bear.

“Then Ranger Smith Says, ‘Yogi, Please–You Don’t Have To Do This! I Have A Family!’ So I Said, ‘Shut The Fuck Up, Man, Or I’ll Eat Them, Too.'”

Jesus’ crucifixion date found? ~ It’s Memorial Day. And that’s why on July 4th, we celebrate with fireworks.

Baseball: Chicago Cubs snap 12-game losing streak, beat San Diego Padres ~ We don’t want to bring yet even more misery to the Windy City, but a victory against the Padres doesn’t actually count toward snapping a losing streak. Sorry!

Octomom’s First Porn Shoot Had WHAT? ~ Dignity? Class? A pleasing smell? We give up.

Lakers drop Thunder in double overtime ~ How embarrassing. They might have avoided this if only they’d used the little boy’s room before the big game.

The Horror of Being Hacked in Diablo 3 ~ Hmm. You’re sure that qualifies as  a horror? We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you’re unaware that right now in Swaziland, a little AIDS orphan is starving to death. But you’re right, being hacked does suck.

“It’s Kinda Like That Time My Sister Was Taken By The Rebel Army To Be Used As A…But I’m Sorry, Go On–Your Story Was Better.”

Weaponized kitty to dominate ~ It’s an adorabomination!

Is Philanthropy Print Journalism’s Last Hope? ~ You mean giving newspapers away for free? That’s still a little more than we want to pay.

In general, Shaq not suited for GM job ~ Apparently two of the big criteria were the ability to form a coherent sentence and to make three shots in a row from the line.

Woman on scooter injured in collision with semi in SLO ~Obviously we’re glad the woman survived the accident, but it doesn’t say much for the truck that it wasn’t able to kill a chick on a scooter.

Is Batman Coming Out of the Closet? ~ Do you mean the same Batman who dresses in spandex and prowls the filthy backstreets looking for rough action, accompanied at all times by a thirteen-year-old boy in a domino mask and green, fish-scale Speedos? We’d say he’s been out and proud for a while.

So Do You Understand How Something Can Be Gay And Super-Fucking Gay At The Same Time?