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Tag Archives: Texas

Headlines 10.26.12

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

abortion, Barack Obama, Baseball, Bill Clinton, blame Obama, bull sharks, childish sexual innuendo, David Hasselhoff, death by cop, Germany, Germany's dark history, great white shark, Gruenenthal, headlines, ignorance--it's what we do, illegal aliens, Iran, Jay-Z, Jimmy Carter, Los Angeles, Malala Yousafzai, Minneapolis, Mitt Romney, morning after pill, no that's *fellates*, Ronald Reagan, San Francisco Giants, sex, sex scandal, St. Louis Cardinals, Texas, Thalidomide, Vietnam

By Smaktakula

Sure, It Sounds Noble. But What Message Are We Sending About Using Violence To Solve Problems?

In Which We Comment On The Day’s Headlines

Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

Resort’s Snow Won’t Be Pure This Year; It’ll Be Sewage ~ Well, that stinks!

Cops fatally shoot suspect wanted for impregnating 11-year-old ~ The tragedy is that a child was robbed of its father. We mean the as-yet-unborn child, not the one the guy knocked up.

Players on contending teams have more fun ~ Which flies in the face of the widely held belief that being a loser is the fucking bee’s knees.

Obama: Jay-Z ‘knows what my life is like’ ~ At first we were gonna scoff. We reconsidered when we realized that President Obama has thus far avoided the sexual pitfalls that marred Bill Clinton’s time in office. Like the man said, “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

Swarm of wasps attack preschoolers ~ Some headlines are funny without our help.

If This Doesn’t Bring A Smile To Your Face, You Have No Soul.

I Was a Welfare Mother ~ And I’m pretty sure you’re the father of at least two of my kids.¹

Man drags great white shark into ocean ~ You fool! You’re going the wrong way!

More details emerge on US ambassador’s last moments ~ It turns out they were the worst moments of his entire life.

Teen accused of killing Texas county official found dead ~ Folks, how many times must it be said? Don’t Mess With Texas.

German thalidomide maker Gruenenthal issues apology ~ “However, on behalf of zee Tcherman people, I vould like to add zat zis iss hardly zee vurst tsing vee haff done.”

The Krauts: So Much To Answer For.

Does the morning after pill induce abortions? ~ If it doesn’t, we want our fucking money back. Seriously, we’re gonna need that cash.

Minneapolis workplace shooter lost job hours before rampage ~ So in a waaaaaaay, it’s Obama’s fault.

Woman Faces Harsh Reality From Butt Injections ~ It’s really only that first butt injection that takes your breath away; it gets easier after that. Who knows? You might even learn to like it.

Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill marries model ~ The semi-retarded pleasure-bot will be known simply as “Mrs. Followill” until such time as she needs a name.

Romney Deflates the President ~ So in a way, he’s kind of a prick.

When Your Opponent Is The 21st Century’s Jimmy Carter, And The Best You Can Manage Is To Pull Even With Him, It’s Clear That You’re No Ronald Reagan.

Study: Bull sharks have strongest bite ~ Yeah, we’ll believe that when we see it. They’re called ‘bull’ sharks for a reason.

Iran Felicitates Vietnam on National Day ~ Doesn’t that mean, like, to give someone a blow job?

Giants seek to beat Cards at own game ~ The game of baseball, you mean?

Raising Successful Children ~ There are as many theories of child-rearing as there are parents. Our method involves sharp rebukes and extended periods of isolation when the children speak without first being addressed by an adult. Hey, if we can get ’em to shut up for five minutes, we call that a success.

‘Because of you, I trust no one’ ~ Then there’s no more we can teach you.

“It’s Bad Enough You Made Me Believe He Was Real, But Then When I Confronted You About It, You Doubled-Down On The Lie And Tried To Feed Me That ‘Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus’ Bullshit! You Never Loved Me!”

For Young Jews, a Service Says, ‘Please, Do Text’ ~ Then comes the guilt!

Los Angeles mayor wants ID card for immigrants ~ It’s only fair that they should have something to not have to show when it’s time for them to vote.

How Men Work, When It Comes to Sex ~ Man, that’s the only reason we work at all! You see, the likelihood of you putting out increases along with our bank balance.

Girl shot with Malala: Memory of attack ‘still in my head’ ~ Also, the bullet.

10 Signs Your Employees Are Having an Office Romance ~ They’re humping on your desk as you read this.

“David, Did You Put That Tickler In Vickie’s Inbox?” The Potential For Inappropriate Innuendo Is Staggering.

Bonus! Because you’re so sweet, here’s a twofer:

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Unless you’re a field of dandelions, you’ve got no business being ‘ravaged’ by rabbits. We’re thinking that maybe God didn’t intend that these birds should live.

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Given what they named the place, we have to imagine this isn’t the first time that’s happened.

¹For a slightly more nuanced and sensitive take on the “Welfare” article, click here. ∞ T.

The Mexican-American Conflict: A Pretty Good War

02 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Arizona, California, Canada, Colorado, further instances of Canadian perfidy, Great Britain, James Knox Polk, Let us help!, manifest destiny, Mexico, muchas gracias, Nevada, one-termer by choice, one-termers, outright lies, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Santa Anna, Somalia, Texas, there's a NEW Mexico?, treachery, United Kingdom, United States of America, Utah

By Smaktakula

Maybe You're Just Not Looking Hard Enough.

You’ve probably heard more than once that there’s no such thing as a ‘good’ war. The sentiment driving this notion is noble, and easy enough to understand: it’s hard to take any joy from a victory when even one life has been needlessly cut short. Moreover, there is also the sad legacy of war’s victims who survive the conflict only to return to shattered, empty lives.

The "Good War": Grandpa Liked WWII So Much, He's Still There.

World War II is sometimes considered a ‘good war’ in that it very literally halted the extinction of an entire people. This view necessarily tends to discount the ugly reality that the war cost the lives of just as many people and a great deal more, but was more egalitarian in that it distributed the horrors among a variety of nations. Others consider the US’s ill-fated War of 1812 among this select group of noble atrocities, because the dream of liberating Canada from her tyrannical British masters was a righteous and Heaven-sanctioned one, despite the ingratitude and surprising unhelpfulness of the Canadian people.¹

It's Just Like What Happened To Us When We Tried To Help Out In Somalia--You Try To Bring Light To A Wretched And Abject People, Only To Get Kicked In The Teeth For Your Troubles.

But the little known Mexican-American War is something everyone can get behind. Having recently acquired the Independent Republic of Texas, the United States under President James Knox Polk was looking for a little more real estate. Polk had long prized such material assets as the Napa Wine Country, Camp Pendleton Marine Base and California Adventures, so America’s 11th President–and by any estimate its most effective One-Termer–set his sights on wresting the Golden State from Mexico.²

YOINK!!!!

Polk was initially stymied in his efforts by that age-old bugbear of democratic republics, the notion that you can’t just go starting a war for no reason. But when it was determined that Mexico’s General Antonio López de Santa Anna (an early forerunner of future bad-guy, Adolf Hitler) was stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) in the Sonora Desert, America was left with little choice but to act.

There Came A Point At Which The US Could No Longer Tolerate General Santa Anna's Shenanigans.

Although no WMD were ever found, the story did end happily, with the Mexicans chased all the way to Tijuana by the victorious gringos, and the Stars & Stripes lofted over the golden, rolling hills of California. However, it has so often been said that ‘a lawn does not cut itself,’ and like the storied swallows of Capistrano, in a final righting of history, the descendants of those long-ago Californios have since returned to California, bringing with them a great many friends whose ancestors had previously never been north of Michoacan.

¡Gracias, Amigo! Eso Fue Muy Amable Por Tu!

¹ It can sometimes be so difficult to resist playing historical “What If?”. Can you imagine what a powerhouse US Hockey would be today if the Canadians had only been a little cooler in 1812? ∞ T.
² Although California was far and away the most worthwhile of the Mexican lands prized by the Americans, Manifest Destiny also demanded an expanse of lesser real estate comprising the modern states of Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah as well as parts of Texas and Colorado. ∞ T.

Ho! Ho! Ho My God, He’s Got A Gun!

29 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Azizolah Yazdanpanah, bad parents, Boba, Boba Fett, Christmas, douchebaggery, Grapevine, holiday-themed mayhem, Merry Christmas!, Santa Claus, Texas, the War on Christmas, we don't normally say 'hella'

By Smaktakula

The Whole Family Gets A Big Kick Out Of Dad's Annual Tradition Of Asking Smaktakula If This Will Be The Year He Finally Comes Out Of The Closet.

It happens every year–wherever families are gathered together for the holidays, dark forces arise to ensure that some asshole ruins Christmas for everybody.  Again.  This holiday-themed poltergeist may manifest as anything from your sister’s annual recrimination-swollen weep-orgy  to your uncle’s unquenchable lust for the young cousins.  It might simply be dad not showing up again.  Just as there are a myriad of families, each with its own holiday traditions, there are also just as many traditional ways to fuck those families up for the holidays.

You Might Not Think A Guy Like This Would Amount To Much, But He Kicked Christmas' Ass In A Big Way.

But as with so many things done well–particularly with holiday-themed acrimony– it’s easy to be undone by routine.  The challenge for many lies in blighting the family gathering to such a degree that it remains a painful and unshakable legacy for generations to come.  The unfortunately-named Azizolah “Boba” Yazdanpanah, of Grapevine Texas, found a way to do just that.

Heretofore, All The Dudes We've Known Named 'Boba' Have Been Hella Cool.

When Christmas morning found Yazdanpanah dressed in a Santa suit at the door of his estranged wife’s home, unsuspecting relatives welcomed him in the spirit of the holiday, no doubt suspecting that Yazdanpanah’s antics would amount to no more than his annual tradition of making a complete ass of himself in front of his beleaguered and long-suffering family.   A niece tweeted, ” We just got here and my uncle is here too. Dressed as Santa. Awesome.”  She added, ominously, “Now he wants to be all fatherly and win father of the year.”

If You're Gonna Do It, Do It Right. That's All We're Saying.

This proved a tragic misreading of Yazdanpanah’s intentions.  Rather than ‘father of the year,’ the deranged douchebag’s mad goals were to summon the demoniac specter of Christmastime abandon, and loose the blood-maddened yule-beast upon everything he had ever loved in a paroxysm of Bah-Humbug Scroogery.  A perfectionist until the last, Yazdanpanah had invested too much into his ghastly scheme to singlehandedly suck the joy from Christmas to compromise his mission with haste or sloppiness.  Yazdanpanah graciously joined his family in opening gifts and celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace before slaying everyone present with a handgun he had stashed in his Santa suit.

Sometimes Just A Little Extra Touch Is All It Takes To Ruin Christmas For Generations.

Clean that bad taste out of your mouth with this story of a more heroic Santa, who sadly, dies nonetheless.  ∞T.

Headlines 05.11.11

11 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Music, News, Religion, Sport

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

American Indians, Baseball, bingo, blackjack, cockfighting, Dodger Stadium, dodo, drugs, Geronimo, hackers, Harry Reid, headlines, Iran, Jim Carrey, Los Angeles Dodgers, Native Americans, Navy SEALs, nudists, nutmeg, Osama bin Laden, passenger pigeon, pervertry, Robitussin DM, Shania Twain, Texas, untalented stars, whippets, whiskey

By Smaktakula

In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.

***

The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.

Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.

Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.

He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.

Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!

American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture.  The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’

Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.

South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.

The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.

Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?

Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.

Turns Out This Is A Fake.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.

Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts?  Who gets high from bath salts?  Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons.  While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.

“I Can Hear My Hair Growing!  Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”

For more fun with Headlines, you’ll want to check out:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
*Apologies. ∞T.

Foreign Drone Downed In Texas

20 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

border, drugs, El Impala Cósmica, El Paso, Federales, illegal aliens, Mexican drug cartel, Mexico, migrants, Osama bin Laden, remote-control, smuggling, Texas, undocumented immigrants, United States of America, unmanned spy drones, War on Drugs

By Smaktakula

Authorities On Both Sides Of The Border Hope That Drones Are Every Bit As Effective At Policing The Border As They Were In Apprehending Osama bin Laden.

Last week a remote-control drone used by Mexican Federales crashed on the American side of the border.  Typically, these unmanned spy drones are equipped with a variety of high-tech sensory equipment, and outside of military purposes, are primarily used as a means to squander resources perpetuating the War on Drugs.™

The drone came to earth in El Paso, Texas on December 14th, after a routine patrol over American territory.  Representatives of the Mexican Government say they do not know at this time what downed the craft.

For Reals: Mexico Has A Space Program

American law enforcement was both surprised and impressed in the wake of the crash.  According to one law enforcement source, Mexican officials had repeatedly disclosed the existence of the drones to their US counterparts.  “We didn’t believe them,” the official says, “But they seemed so excited by the idea that we didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  We pretended to go along with it.”

Mexican Authorities Hope That Eyes In The Sky Will Help To Control The Lawless Border Region. El Impala Cósmica (Above) Is Scheduled For An Early 2011 Launch.

Even as details emerge, many questions about the crashed drone remain unanswered.  There is still no word as to the fate of the approximately 25-30 undocumented immigrants thought to be clinging furiously to the drone’s underbelly at the time of the crash.

It May Not Have Happened At All Like This.

This Day In History: November 22, 1963 CE

22 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

conspiracy theories, Dallas, Jack Ruby, John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, manhunts, murderers, patsies, presidential assassins, Texas, Texas Theater, this day in history, Warren Commission

On which Lee Harvey Oswald comes to regret sneaking into the Texas Theater without purchasing a ticket.

"Seriously, Guys--The Movie Wasn't Even That Good. Do You Have To Make A Federal Case Out Of It?"

Quick, somebody–call Ruby.  He’ll know what to do.

This Day In History: April 19, 1993 CE

19 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1993, Afghanistan, April 19, ATF, Attorney-General, Branch Davidians, David Koresh, homicide, Janet Reno, Kent State, massacre, Miranda Rights, murder, Patriot's Day, religious freedom, religious intolerance, repression of dissent, slaughter, Texas, this day in history, unpunished war criminals, Waco, war criminal

On which Janet Reno hosts a killer Patriot’s Day cookout in the Lonestar State for seventy-six of her closest friends:

Waco: Think 'Afghanistan,' But Without The Miranda Rights.

f

Waco: Think Afghanistan, But Without The Miranda Rights

From Veterans Today: Vietnam Veteran Vernon Hunter Murdered

23 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, National Events, People, Terrorism

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

douchebaggery, IRS, murder, Terrorism, Texas, Vernon Hunter

The Better Man

This isn’t a new story.  But with all the attention we give to the jackass who flew his airplane into a building, surely we can spend a moment remembering a real hero.

Two people died.  Read about the one who wasn’t a dickhead: Vietnam Veteran Vernon Hunter Murdered in Texas IRS Crash : Veterans Today.

From WSJ: Two Men Charged In Blaze At Texas Church

22 Monday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in National Events, Religion

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

arson, ATF, bedwetting, Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, church fires, Daniel George McAllister, douchebaggery, Dover Baptist Church, hate crime, Jason Robert Bourque, pyromania, Texas, Wall Street Journal, WSJ

Two suspected douchebags have been charged with starting a fire in a rural Texas church.  The extent of the suspects’ douchebaggery and possible guilt remains undetermined.

The duo is suspected in a number of church fires, and bail has been set at a meager $10 Million. 

One possible mitigating factor: according to the WSJ article, the firebugs torched churches without respect to denomination or the congregants’ races.  We can take some comfort from our  knowledge that while these men may be repeat arsonists, at least they aren’t committing hate crimes.

This Gentleman Likes To Burn Things

Read about the two (alleged) bedwetters here: Two Men Charged in Blaze at Texas Church – WSJ.com.

Smaktakula

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