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Tag Archives: San Francisco Giants

Headlines 11.02.12

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

2012 Presidential Campaign, 2012 World Series, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, comic books, death by hurricane, death by shark, Detroit, Detroit Tigers, dolphins, fat people, FDR, Geneva, great white shark, headlines, hurricanes, ignorance--it's what we do, Jersey Shore, Joe Biden, left-handed people, Louisiana, Meat Loaf, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, New Jersey, North Korea, polio, retarded, San Francisco Giants, Sandy, slut-shaming, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Switzerland, teachers, unfortunate ways to die, white people, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

Yeah, That’s Pretty Damn Easy For You To Say, But Real People Are Affected By This Tragedy. For One Thing, The Guy Who Lives There Owes Us $13.75!

In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.

We lose interest after the headlines.

***

Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss.  ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.

Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!

Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.

Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”

Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’

Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?

What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.

Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.

Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹

Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal  fireworks?

Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?

Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.

On The Plus Side The Benefits Are Great, You Get Lots Of Time Off, And Nobody Cares If You’re Competent So Long As You Don’t Diddle The 8th Graders.

6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.

Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”

North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.

Video games can fight obesity?  ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Dear Garden State Friends, Our Hearts Go Out To…Hold On, Pal…WHAT?…WHAT?…NO, I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE!…Sorry–Our Hearts Go…Hold On…YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID–YOU HEARD ME SAY IT JUST NOW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BRO?–Hey Pal, This Might Take A…I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND HERE, OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.

VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.

Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.

7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.

Headlines 10.26.12

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

abortion, Barack Obama, Baseball, Bill Clinton, blame Obama, bull sharks, childish sexual innuendo, David Hasselhoff, death by cop, Germany, Germany's dark history, great white shark, Gruenenthal, headlines, ignorance--it's what we do, illegal aliens, Iran, Jay-Z, Jimmy Carter, Los Angeles, Malala Yousafzai, Minneapolis, Mitt Romney, morning after pill, no that's *fellates*, Ronald Reagan, San Francisco Giants, sex, sex scandal, St. Louis Cardinals, Texas, Thalidomide, Vietnam

By Smaktakula

Sure, It Sounds Noble. But What Message Are We Sending About Using Violence To Solve Problems?

In Which We Comment On The Day’s Headlines

Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

Resort’s Snow Won’t Be Pure This Year; It’ll Be Sewage ~ Well, that stinks!

Cops fatally shoot suspect wanted for impregnating 11-year-old ~ The tragedy is that a child was robbed of its father. We mean the as-yet-unborn child, not the one the guy knocked up.

Players on contending teams have more fun ~ Which flies in the face of the widely held belief that being a loser is the fucking bee’s knees.

Obama: Jay-Z ‘knows what my life is like’ ~ At first we were gonna scoff. We reconsidered when we realized that President Obama has thus far avoided the sexual pitfalls that marred Bill Clinton’s time in office. Like the man said, “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

Swarm of wasps attack preschoolers ~ Some headlines are funny without our help.

If This Doesn’t Bring A Smile To Your Face, You Have No Soul.

I Was a Welfare Mother ~ And I’m pretty sure you’re the father of at least two of my kids.¹

Man drags great white shark into ocean ~ You fool! You’re going the wrong way!

More details emerge on US ambassador’s last moments ~ It turns out they were the worst moments of his entire life.

Teen accused of killing Texas county official found dead ~ Folks, how many times must it be said? Don’t Mess With Texas.

German thalidomide maker Gruenenthal issues apology ~ “However, on behalf of zee Tcherman people, I vould like to add zat zis iss hardly zee vurst tsing vee haff done.”

The Krauts: So Much To Answer For.

Does the morning after pill induce abortions? ~ If it doesn’t, we want our fucking money back. Seriously, we’re gonna need that cash.

Minneapolis workplace shooter lost job hours before rampage ~ So in a waaaaaaay, it’s Obama’s fault.

Woman Faces Harsh Reality From Butt Injections ~ It’s really only that first butt injection that takes your breath away; it gets easier after that. Who knows? You might even learn to like it.

Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill marries model ~ The semi-retarded pleasure-bot will be known simply as “Mrs. Followill” until such time as she needs a name.

Romney Deflates the President ~ So in a way, he’s kind of a prick.

When Your Opponent Is The 21st Century’s Jimmy Carter, And The Best You Can Manage Is To Pull Even With Him, It’s Clear That You’re No Ronald Reagan.

Study: Bull sharks have strongest bite ~ Yeah, we’ll believe that when we see it. They’re called ‘bull’ sharks for a reason.

Iran Felicitates Vietnam on National Day ~ Doesn’t that mean, like, to give someone a blow job?

Giants seek to beat Cards at own game ~ The game of baseball, you mean?

Raising Successful Children ~ There are as many theories of child-rearing as there are parents. Our method involves sharp rebukes and extended periods of isolation when the children speak without first being addressed by an adult. Hey, if we can get ’em to shut up for five minutes, we call that a success.

‘Because of you, I trust no one’ ~ Then there’s no more we can teach you.

“It’s Bad Enough You Made Me Believe He Was Real, But Then When I Confronted You About It, You Doubled-Down On The Lie And Tried To Feed Me That ‘Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus’ Bullshit! You Never Loved Me!”

For Young Jews, a Service Says, ‘Please, Do Text’ ~ Then comes the guilt!

Los Angeles mayor wants ID card for immigrants ~ It’s only fair that they should have something to not have to show when it’s time for them to vote.

How Men Work, When It Comes to Sex ~ Man, that’s the only reason we work at all! You see, the likelihood of you putting out increases along with our bank balance.

Girl shot with Malala: Memory of attack ‘still in my head’ ~ Also, the bullet.

10 Signs Your Employees Are Having an Office Romance ~ They’re humping on your desk as you read this.

“David, Did You Put That Tickler In Vickie’s Inbox?” The Potential For Inappropriate Innuendo Is Staggering.

Bonus! Because you’re so sweet, here’s a twofer:

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Unless you’re a field of dandelions, you’ve got no business being ‘ravaged’ by rabbits. We’re thinking that maybe God didn’t intend that these birds should live.

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Given what they named the place, we have to imagine this isn’t the first time that’s happened.

¹For a slightly more nuanced and sensitive take on the “Welfare” article, click here. ∞ T.

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales–Take Me Out To The Ballgame

12 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport, Stupidity, True-Ass Tales

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, Anaheim Stadium, Baseball, California Angels, Candlestick Park, Colorado Rockies, Coors Field, Dock Ellis, Dodger Stadium, dope, drugs, grass, hemp, Los Angeles Dodgers, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, marijuana, Pittsburgh Pirates, pot, reefer, San Francisco Giants, schadenfreude, Seattle Mariners, sweet sweet cheeba, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, vomiting, weed

By Tardsie

Relax, baseball-haters, the following True-Ass Tales are concerned less with what happens on the field, and more with shenanigans in the stands.

Inexplicably, My Wife Wore An Orange Shirt To This Game. Chivalrous Dude That I Am, I Said, “If You Get Stabbed In The Parking Lot, Don’t Blame Me!”

The Sweetest Beer–Safeco Field, Seattle, Washington

I guess you could call me a beer snob. I don’t drink much these days, but when I do, I prefer to drink something good, which means avoiding the mass-produced fermented goat urine flowing from America’s big breweries. Nonetheless, there have been exceptions.

Sometime around 2000, a buddy and I were at the newly-opened Safeco Field to see a Mariners’ game (I have since forgotten the opponent). One our way from our seats to the smoking platform we passed a concession cart. The guy running the stand was looking the other way, and without hesitation and before the vendor had turned back around, my buddy snatched a Miller Lite from the ice-filled cavity at the front of his stand. We kept walking.

When we got to the smoking area we lit up a joint and split the Lite. Despite it being shit beer in a plastic bottle, it was one of the sweetest brews ever to cross my lips.

I Want You To Know, I Wouldn’t Normally Do This Kind Of Thing.

Love Some Dodgers (LSD) or Man, I AM the Baseball!–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, California

One time in the 1990s, me and two of my friends, Earl and You Ho, decided to drop some acid at the ball game. The Pirates were in town.

Rarely have I been so fascinated by a baseball game. The span between each pitch seemed interminable and pregnant with promise, as if the whole of the nine innings or for that matter the season hung on the arc and velocity of that single pitch. We were in the nosebleed seats, just below the top ring of the stadium, and the angle seemed impossibly steep, and left us feeling the slightest shift in movement might send us tumbling down into the seats below.

The kids behind us were throwing popcorn, which streaked over our heads like flame-caught moths, surprising us afresh each time they burst past us and fell dying into vast and unknowable distances below our feet.

The drive home was a harrowing kaleidoscope: the sea of tail lights which are the city’s sclerotic arteries, looming, barbwire enshrouded green freeway signs and the lava-lamp face of You Ho as he piloted us through the night.

There’s Precedent. Look Up Dock Ellis.

Letting It All Out–Coors Field, Denver, Colorado

The last time I was at Coors Field was for a Dodgers-Rockies game.  My friend Tyrell got us seats in the club level, where instead of having to stand in the beer line like the unwashed masses, fresh-faced, uniformed attendants would bring the alcohol to us. Perhaps it was the atmosphere of entitlement, the altitude or my own by-then infrequent drinking habits, but I got drunk. Shitty drunk.

We were on the way home when the urge to hurl hit me with immediate, implacable force. I was in the back seat of my buddy’s truck, and although he was quick in pulling over, the vomit was quicker. It was all I could do to get my head out the window before I was spraying mile-high chunks. You should know, I’m a powerful upchucker–it’s all in the diaphragm. I continued vomiting out the window until we got back to Tyrell’s place, where I may have decorated his driveway.

As my (very forgiving!) friend discovered the next morning, I hadn’t been as successful at clearing the car as I’d hoped. The side of the truck, which Tyrell’s company leased for him, was spackled with dried sick. Worse though, I’d managed to get no small amount of the pungent sludge down into the window well, where it was trapped between the panels of the door, free to ferment unmolested.

The story ends happily, though. Tyrell not long after accepted a new job with a different company, who provided him with a new truck of which he was much more fond, not least because it smelled better.

They Still Probably Haven’t Gotten That Stank Out.

Don’t Write Checks My Ass Can–And Will– Cash–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles California

Those of you who remember my buddy Dave Chen already know that he has a tendency to begin speaking long before his brain properly engages, and will have no trouble following the path of foolish decisions which resulted in a significant cash outlay for him and for me a torpid stupor of inebriation and satiety.

It began one day when for some reason Dave and I had been discussing stadium beer. “Those beers they have at Dodger Stadium are pretty big,” Dave said, “I’ll bet you couldn’t even drink four of them during a game.” Amazingly, Dave wasn’t joking, and soon we had a bet. If I could drink four large beers during a regular, nine-inning ball game, Dave would pay for all the beer I could drink (including the original four) and all the food I could eat. In the extremely unlikely event that I lost the bet, I would be required to pay for his food and drink. A little rattled by my obvious glee, Dave blundered further, insisting that I had to carry out the bet ON A FULL STOMACH.

Yeah, That’s Pretty Much It Right There.

The wager was consummated at a Giants-Dodgers match-up. The game was notable not only for the debut of future first-ballot Hall of Famer Dennys Reyes, but also because we were treated to one of the truly rare and pure sights in late 1990’s baseball, a Barry Bonds home run.

No, The Guy I’m Thinking Of Was Freaking Huge.

As you might imagine, I’d killed the four beers by the third inning and Dave was buying the beer & snacks for another six innings. I don’t remember too much about those later frames, but I do remember approaching a guy selling pizzas.

“I’ll take one,” I said, then jerked a thumb at Dave, “He’s paying.”

Without missing a beat, the guy said to me, “Then why not buy two?”

As A Child I Was Pelted With Ice At Candlestick Park For The “Crime” Of Wearing Blue. That’s Just The Kind Of People They Are.

LA: Separate, But Equal. Well, Separate For Sure–Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, California

A couple of years ago my wife and I were at a ball game. In the parking lot, I was chatting with two Latino dudes. We were all drinking beers. I was surreptitiously smoking from a pipe I concealed in my hand, but as the other two dudes were smoking cigarettes, they couldn’t smell it.

Security pounced on us from out of nowhere. Officers split us up and spoke to us separately. My officer made me dump the beer (you can’t drink in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium), asked to see my tickets before sending me on my way.

As I was leaving, I saw that one of the Latino guys was getting arrested.

And It Loves Me! (And People Like Me)

When the Angels Were Cast From the Heavens–Anaheim Stadium, Anaheim, California

In 1995, I went to game between the Seattle Mariners and California Angels (as the Anaheim Angels were then called) which the Mariners won. On the way out, my girlfriend, a self-described “Newport Bitch” and lifelong Angels fan grumbled about the loss.

The Angels’ World Series Victory In 2002 (Tied With 2010 For WORST World Series Match-Up EVER) Came As Something Of A Disappointment.

“Come on, Kathy, the Angels are up twelve games,” I said, not needing to add that the season was growing short and such a deficit nigh-insurmountable, particularly for the until-then, luckless Mariners. “Can’t you just let the M’s have this one game?”

What neither of us could have known, however, was that this game proved to be the first spasm in what would grow to be one of the most spectacular–and to my thinking, delightful–collapses in baseball history (at the time I think it was #3), as the Angels saw their commanding lead begin to erode against a suddenly ascendant Seattle. The Angels and Ms ended the season in a tie for first place in the American League West, necessitating a one-game tie-breaker to determine the AL West Champion.

Oh, Hell Yeah, Man–I’ve Got It Framed And Everything.

Damn–George Sherrill Is Still Such A Colossal Douche It Isn’t Even Funny!

10 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

Atlanta Braves, Baseball, douchebaggery, George Sherrill, incompetent boobery, Los Angeles Dodgers, San Francisco Giants, Seattle Mariners, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, that shitty beard too!

By Smaktakula
George Sherrill

You Suck So Bad It Makes Our Faces Hurt.

Sorry southpaw suckass George Sherrill has returned to the West Coast, once again in a Mariners uniform. It is perhaps fitting that Seattle is picked by most experts to come in dead last in the American League West, so Sherrill’s dependable incompetence and area code-sized ERA should prove less an embarrassment than it would to a good team, such as the 2010 Dodgers, for whom he was able to demonstrate his shittiness in games which mattered.

And, although we need hardly point it out again, this home run deliveryman has two first names. And one of ’em’s girly.

George Currently Boasts A 27.00 ERA. This Means That Over The Course Of A Nine-Inning Game, You Could Expect To Score 27 Runs Off This Dead-Armed Douche.

He Was Actually Good For The 2011 Braves, Proving This Omegadouche Is Only A Suckass When He Wants To Be.

At Least This Era Of Incompetent Boobery Is Behind Us. The Dodgers Have Suffered Enough.

We Might Not Be So Down On This Cock-Knocker If He'd Just Chosen A More Fitting Team For Which To Suck.

That You Paid Money For The Thing Says Quite A Bit About You. That You Allowed The Moment To Be Captured In A Photograph Tells Us Everything Else We Need To Know.

In His Heart-Of-Hearts, George Knows He's A Douchebag.

Gayness Audit Results In Downgrade For SF

24 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

California, childish sexual innuendo, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fisting, Frisco, fun with stereotypes, gay meccas, gay people, gay rankings, homosexuality, leather daddies, Minneapolis, Oakland, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, St. Louis, the Advocate, they love to hear it called Frisco

By Smaktakula

It's Sometimes Difficult To Take Bad News With Good Grace.

Who’s taken all the gay from the Bay?  The question has haunted the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco since last January’s gay audit, in which the flamboyant city suffered a humiliating downgrade.

Honey, Please--Don't You Read The Papers? We've Got Real Problems.

In a nationwide survey, gay-themed magazine, the Advocate, tested the gayness quotient of several American cities.  San Francisco, or ‘Frisco’ as locals lovingly call it, came in a disappointing 11th, behind such gay meccas as St. Louis, Pittsburgh and America’s #1 gay city, Minneapolis.

SF's Got Its Panties All Up In A Bunch. That's No Easy Feat With Studded Leather.

This unhappy news struck San Francisco’s hometown homos like an unlubricated fist, leaving many with feelings of betrayed resentment.  Activists are quick to point out that without San Francisco’s brave example in the 1960s and 1970s, gay people might not find the top ten cities quite so hospitable today.   This view fails to take into account that the public has the memory span of a syphilitic goldfish.

It's Not The First Place We'd Look To Find Gay People.

Controversy aside, the study has provided data which shatter preconceived notions about gay life.  The fact that cities like Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Oakland are among the top fifteen cities in the nation that homosexuals call home effectively puts an end to the degrading stereotype that gay people only live in nice places.

Relax. No Matter What Happens To The City, You'll Always Be The World's Gayest Baseball Team.

Don’t Be Too Free With The Pee

01 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Calvin & Hobbes, douchebaggery, I piss on you!, immaturity, Pissing Calvin, public urination, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, stupid kids, to my alma mater I apologize, urine

By Smaktakula

If you ever find yourself uttering the words, “Oh come on now–who HASN’T pissed all over the receiver of a public phone once or twice in his life?“– we can say with a high degree of certainty that you’re a douche.

Be Like This Unauthorized Image Of Calvin And Use Your Urine Powers For The Benefit Of Humanity, And Not To Its Detriment.

And yes, the rule applies to handrails as well.  You know who you are ∞T.

Headlines 06.27.11

27 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Americans of Singularity Descent, Amy Winehouse, Ayman al-Zawahiri, bad parents, bilingual, black holes, Chicago, corruption, death by drunk driving, dictators, flash mob, Frank McCourt, gender issues, headlines, human feces, Jackass, Julia Sweeney, Keith Richards, Libya, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mexican drug cartel, Minot, NATO, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, playground beatings, Ryan Dunn, San Francisco Giants, Snooki, Spelling Bee, thanks a lot mom, untouchables, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Because who has time to read the articles, right?

One Of The Few Periodicals To Meet Our Exacting Journalistic Standards.

Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.

“Thanks A Lot, Mom And Dad!”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants?  Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.

His Palatial Home Is Built Entirely From The Bones Of Kittens.

Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.

Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’

Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.

If You’ve Never Gotten Really Drunk And Then Humped A Bright Orange Beach Ball, You Aren’t In A Position To Judge.

Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real.  Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.

Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.

Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.

With A Combined Weight Of 678 Pounds And Only One Mustache Between Them, It Takes Four Untouchables To Equal One Modern-Day Chicago Cop.

Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.  

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.

Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.

Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’

It’s A Given That You Won’t Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No. But If We Paid For A Boob Job, Would You Go, Go, Go?

Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’  ~ Then what happened?

4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God!  Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head.  We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.    

                                                 

Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really?  Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.

“Someday The Mountain Might Get Me,” Dunn Told Perplexed Friends In The Days Before The ‘Accident,’ Swearing, “But The Law Never Will.”

Want more of this foolishness?

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV

Hateful Attire Incites Violence

01 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Sport

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Alyssa Milano, assault, Baseball, bigotry, burning the Koran, Emil Haagerdäddi, good steward of the environment, Koran, Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball, Nathan Bedford Forrest, obsessive sports fans, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, violence

By Smaktakula

You Wouldn't Sport A Swastika In A Synagogue, Would You?

Chavez Ravine: Yesterday, an unidentified man was given an impromptu lesson in sensitivity after parading around Dodger Stadium in offensive clothing.  In what can only be viewed as a hate-statement, the gentleman is alleged to have been conspicuously displaying articles of clothing bearing the logo of the San Francisco Giants.  Such apparel is not only considered deeply offensive to fans of the Los Angeles Dodgers, but also ritually unclean.

What the man hoped to achieve with this bizarre and provocative act is unclear, but it did attract attention.  Things came to a head when two Dodger fans, possibly attempting to protect their womenfolk from the offensive barrage, found their tormentor and two companions drinking chardonnay spritzers, each politely arguing his own case as the best steward of the environment.

Nathan Bedford Forrest With A Filthy Curve.

The man’s two fair-weather friends are also thought to be San Francisco Giants fans due to the rapidity with which they fled the scene, leaving their companion to his own just desserts.  He was roundly beaten.

“I don’t know what else this man–we’ll call him Bruce Smith-Smythe–expected,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a baseball statipscychologist, “This was an unconscionable act that demonstrates how easily Freedom of Speech can be abused.  Much like Koran-burning and the understandable mayhem it incites, this incident teaches us that there are limits to freedom.”

"Be Not Afraid Of The Enemy, My Son. Should He Strike You Down, Your Heavenly Reward Will Be 72 Alyssa Milanos."

Haagerdäddi claims that ‘Smith-Smythe’ never had a chance.  “Although Giants fans have on average a twenty-point advantage in IQ relative to Dodger fans, and tend to make a whole lot more money, it’s just tough for them to get past that nagging ‘pussy’ factor.”

Whether or not he intended it, the provocative pantywaist was shown the pain words can inflict.  There are some who will say that the bigot got off lightly, and there is validity in this contention.  But if even one Giant fan learns from this incident and is able to conquer his hate, then perhaps it will have been worth it.

That Is So Last Year.

Promethean Times’ 2010 Person Of The Year: Us

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 2010, 2011, Abner Doubleday should sue the hell out of the guy who 'invented' cricket, Africa, American soldiers, Axis of Evil, Barack Obama, bellicose shenanigans, Bernie Madoff, BP, Bradley Manning, Bush the intellectuable, Chief Executive, comical despots, Conan O'Brien, congress, conventional wisdom, copyright infringement, corporate douchebaggery, cricket, Democratic Party, effete Mac users, Elizabeth Edwards, Face & Boobs man, feel-good policies, figurative fellatio, Franklin Pierce, Fugeeman, games foreigners play, genocide, George W. Bush, GOP, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, Haitian Earthquake, Hitler of Major League Baseball, How very original!, hucksterism, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Jay Leno, John Edwards, Julian Assange, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, leeches, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Martha Stewart Living, Michael Lohan, MiLo, Miss You Mom, modern classics, Mood the Dude, mullets, Nanci Pelosi, nanny state, North Korea, Osama bin Laden, Osama's crazed legions, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, People Magazine, personal magnetism, Pierce was known more for drink than for effective leadership, poor Elizabeth Edwards--she was so brave and she suffered so much, popular culture, President Bush, President Obama, Promethean Times, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, religious right, Republican Party, retcons, rumor has it that the vote for Person of the Year was fixed, San Francisco Giants, San Mateo, Sarah Palin, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, special-needs children, Spiro Agnew, Sports Illustrated, step your game up, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, terrifying Campfire Girl, Texas Rangers, the canonization of St. Elizabeth, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the Devil, the impotence of the UN, the increasing irrelevance of TIME, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, theogeologist, Tim Lincecum, Time, TIME allows pedestrian intellects to believe they are otherwise, TIME's Person of the Year, Tony Hayward, tradition, Transformers I and II, treachery, UN, United Nations, United States of America, WikiLeaks, Wyclef Jean, yes theogeologist is another coinage but like grammaverick you've gotta admit it kicks ass

By Promethean Times

Conventional wisdom warns that TIME‘s annual Person of the Year award is so iconic as to render superfluous any imitations.  However, as it has so many times before, Promethean Times eschews the expected by boldly forging a new path, in this instance by appropriating TIME‘s 80-year-old tradition.

Did You Know? TIME Was Once Known For Journalism, And Was Considered More Newsworthy Than Its Current Contemporaries, People Magazine And Martha Stewart Living.

The decision to bestow Promethean Times with this highly coveted accolade did not come easily.  A great many individuals and events helped to make 2010 one of the most dynamic years on record.

There was Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, and traitorous American soldier Bradley Manning, who assisted in the appropriation of several documents.  There was BP’s disgraced Tony Hayward, whose reputation in tatters, has only his fabulous wealth to console him, and Bernie Madoff, although convicted in 2009, still managed to keep his name in circulation.

US President Barack Obama rammed through feel-good policies to be billed to posterity and the people loved him for it.  The press, however, seemed to recover from their embarrassing love affair with the Chief Executive, quixotically alternating hot and cold by one day proclaiming the President a lame duck, and the next heralding him as the greatest president since Franklin Pierce.

One Of These Kids Is More Popular Than The Other.

Much as a leech would, Congress eagerly clung to the President’s agenda, but lacking the President’s (or any, largely) personal magnetism, found itself the victim of what the press liked to call “an anti-incumbent agenda.”  Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi realized too late that a sunny smile does little good when it’s the handiwork of San Mateo’s finest Face & Boobs man.

Then there was the Tea Party to consider.  The completely leaderless grassroots organization, headed by terrifying Campfire Girl Sarah Palin and funded by deep-pocketed partisans, managed to drive the few remaining moderate Republicans from the GOP.  This end was aided by the Republicans’ skill at figuratively fellating the Religious Right, although the Democrats made a game and creditable attempt at it.

Pretty-like-the-prom-queen huckster John Edwards imploded earlier this year, terrifyingly reminding people ignorant of Spiro Agnew that America came “this close” to electing a scumbag as vice-president.  Edwards’ estranged wife Elizabeth, long regarded as a dismissive, cold-hearted bitch, received secular canonization upon her recent death, and has been retconned into a nurturing, saintly person.  She got cheated on and she died?  Tsk.  You will be missed, Elizabeth.

Finally! Someone Faced A Debilitating Illness With Courage And Dignity. Don't You Wish Elizabeth Had Been Your Mom?

Former President George Bush was also considered for Person of the Year due to his lasting influence on the country, and on the Democratic Party in particular.  Until the weeks preceding the November elections, Democrats were so enamored of the former Republican Chief Executive that the words ‘George W. Bush’ comprised 25-35% of the typical Democratic fundraising speech.

Fugeeman responded to the Haitian earthquake with the aplomb and statesmanship one would expect from a Caribbean head of state; he announced a presidential bid which then unceremoniously petered out.  We also gave some thought to the Devil, who many experts, including noted theogeologist Pat Robertson, believe to be the ultimate author of the devastating Haitian Quake.  The UN deserved some consideration as well, despite that the global organization’s response to the Haitian Crisis was characteristically bungled and that it continues to counter both African genocide and rogue nuclear states with the twin forces of hand-wringing coupled with laughably empty threats.

The Machinations Of This Evil Genius Bedevil Us Still.

We considered several despots, including the scrappy madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who holds in equal contempt mullets and the Jews, and the comically diminutive Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s dying tyrant, who continues to terrify an impotent international community with his bellicose shenanigans, and who elevated his special-needs son to the #2 spot in the impoverished third-world hellhole.  And although he had a comparatively mellow 2010, ‘Lil Kim and Mood the Dude’s Axis of Evil amigo, Osama bin Laden, quietly exerted his pernicious influence on his legions of crazed followers.

Pop culture had its share of earth-shakers.  It was hard to overlook Josh Duhamel, whose masterful performance in the universally-beloved modern classic Transformers I and II shattered expectations about what movie-goers could expect from an infantile two-hour commercial.  At the same time an inane late-night war between TV icons Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien diverted the attentions of a grateful nation in the same way as does a bright piece of string or a shiny object.  And somewhere, Steve Jobs did something that made effete Mac users cream their shorts.

Is This The World You Want For Your Children?

In sporting news, the San Francisco Giants, called the ‘Hitler of Major League Baseball’ by at least one satiric internet source, won the World Series over the nearly-as-odious Texas Rangers.  Also, there was some scandal in cricket–it’s a game copied from baseball, apparently–that stoked the ire of millions across the globe, but was otherwise unimportant.

Taking all these people and events into account, we worked tirelessly to determine the single most transformational factor in 2010.  In the end, we were unanimous on our selection of Promethean Times as Promethean Times‘ Person of the Year, citing Promethean Times‘ ongoing benefit to the global community as well as its consistent awesomeness.  Promethean Times is “extremely surprised, but pleased” by the announcement.

And for Promethean Times‘ Douchebag of the Year: Michael “MiLo” Lohan. What the hell, right?

His Infernal Majesty Assures Us That In 2011, He'll Step His Game Up.

Happy 2011, everybody!

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WORD.

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