Let’s remember that name-calling hurts.
abortion, Barack Obama, Baseball, Bill Clinton, blame Obama, bull sharks, childish sexual innuendo, David Hasselhoff, death by cop, Germany, Germany's dark history, great white shark, Gruenenthal, headlines, ignorance--it's what we do, illegal aliens, Iran, Jay-Z, Jimmy Carter, Los Angeles, Malala Yousafzai, Minneapolis, Mitt Romney, morning after pill, no that's *fellates*, Ronald Reagan, San Francisco Giants, sex, sex scandal, St. Louis Cardinals, Texas, Thalidomide, Vietnam
Resort’s Snow Won’t Be Pure This Year; It’ll Be Sewage ~ Well, that stinks!
Cops fatally shoot suspect wanted for impregnating 11-year-old ~ The tragedy is that a child was robbed of its father. We mean the as-yet-unborn child, not the one the guy knocked up.
Players on contending teams have more fun ~ Which flies in the face of the widely held belief that being a loser is the fucking bee’s knees.
Obama: Jay-Z ‘knows what my life is like’ ~ At first we were gonna scoff. We reconsidered when we realized that President Obama has thus far avoided the sexual pitfalls that marred Bill Clinton’s time in office. Like the man said, “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”
Swarm of wasps attack preschoolers ~ Some headlines are funny without our help.
I Was a Welfare Mother ~ And I’m pretty sure you’re the father of at least two of my kids.¹
Man drags great white shark into ocean ~ You fool! You’re going the wrong way!
More details emerge on US ambassador’s last moments ~ It turns out they were the worst moments of his entire life.
Teen accused of killing Texas county official found dead ~ Folks, how many times must it be said? Don’t Mess With Texas.
German thalidomide maker Gruenenthal issues apology ~ “However, on behalf of zee Tcherman people, I vould like to add zat zis iss hardly zee vurst tsing vee haff done.”
Does the morning after pill induce abortions? ~ If it doesn’t, we want our fucking money back. Seriously, we’re gonna need that cash.
Minneapolis workplace shooter lost job hours before rampage ~ So in a waaaaaaay, it’s Obama’s fault.
Woman Faces Harsh Reality From Butt Injections ~ It’s really only that first butt injection that takes your breath away; it gets easier after that. Who knows? You might even learn to like it.
Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill marries model ~ The semi-retarded pleasure-bot will be known simply as “Mrs. Followill” until such time as she needs a name.
Romney Deflates the President ~ So in a way, he’s kind of a prick.
Study: Bull sharks have strongest bite ~ Yeah, we’ll believe that when we see it. They’re called ‘bull’ sharks for a reason.
Iran Felicitates Vietnam on National Day ~ Doesn’t that mean, like, to give someone a blow job?
Giants seek to beat Cards at own game ~ The game of baseball, you mean?
Raising Successful Children ~ There are as many theories of child-rearing as there are parents. Our method involves sharp rebukes and extended periods of isolation when the children speak without first being addressed by an adult. Hey, if we can get ’em to shut up for five minutes, we call that a success.
‘Because of you, I trust no one’ ~ Then there’s no more we can teach you.
For Young Jews, a Service Says, ‘Please, Do Text’ ~ Then comes the guilt!
Los Angeles mayor wants ID card for immigrants ~ It’s only fair that they should have something to not have to show when it’s time for them to vote.
How Men Work, When It Comes to Sex ~ Man, that’s the only reason we work at all! You see, the likelihood of you putting out increases along with our bank balance.
Girl shot with Malala: Memory of attack ‘still in my head’ ~ Also, the bullet.
10 Signs Your Employees Are Having an Office Romance ~ They’re humping on your desk as you read this.
Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Unless you’re a field of dandelions, you’ve got no business being ‘ravaged’ by rabbits. We’re thinking that maybe God didn’t intend that these birds should live.
Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Given what they named the place, we have to imagine this isn’t the first time that’s happened.
The Germans did, of course.
Leipzig, Germany–Heidi, the famed special-needs opossum, has died recently under circumstances Promethean Times deems mysterious. The beloved monstrosity was three and a half years old.
We first encountered Heidi while researching our August 15th story, ‘Possums: Impossumable Not To Love, and like so many others, we were charmed by the malformed marsupial. When at that time we expressed doubts about the level of care Heidi would receive at the hands of the Germans, we had no idea how soon those fears would prove prophetic.
Heidi died shortly after receiving a lethal injection administered by Leipzig Zoo staff. The sentence was carried out on the orders of as-yet-unidentified veterinarian, who indicated that the creature was listless and unable to move due to advancing age, and that the killing was a mercy.
Others aren’t so sure. “They’re lying to us, and the public is swallowing it up,” says opossum ophthalmologist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi. “You’re telling me that a three-year old opossum just ups and dies of old age? Ridiculous! I have a boy who’s that age–and I can assure you, he’s got ten, maybe fifteen good years ahead of him.”
Unfortunately, it may be years before an accurate picture of Heidi’s final days emerges–if the truth is ever known. Until that hoped-for day, a shocked and grieving world must content itself with the inspiring memory of this brave creature whom God never intended to live.
You will be missed, Heidi.
Below are some images of the beautiful soul who was taken too early. For proper effect, allow the YouTube video to play while you peruse the gallery.
1972, anti-Kraut, anti-semitism, Belgium, dead German tourists, Final Solution, Florida, for reals we love the Germans, Germany, Germany's dark history, God, God hates the Germans, Holocaust, Jews, Krauts, Miami, Munich Olympics, the Almighty, United States of America
Back in the early 1990s, it seemed like German tourists in America couldn’t catch a break. It’s hard to forget the spate of Miami slayings that had America’s German community on edge, and which prompted this publication to propose as a final solution to the crisis the immediate round-up of German nationals so that they could be sequestered for their own protection, and thereby gain a sort of freedom from their troubles through work. Promethean Times’ calls went unheeded, and eventually the killings died down on their own.
Although a hiatus in the killings was a relief to the governments of both the United States and Germany, the détente apparently proved a provocation for God Almighty. It seems that Jehovah has recently chosen to singlehandedly renew the anti-Kraut campaign, smiting a German tourist with a bolt of lightning.
German advocacy groups were joined by religious leaders in expressing surprise and dismay at God’s decision to escalate hostilities. It remains unclear just what the German people could have done that was so heinous as to earn the righteous and implacable enmity of the Lord of Lords.
Really? You think He’s still mad about that?
All is not well at the Berlin Zoo, where recently two high-profile animals have met mysterious–and bizarre–deaths. This is an embarrassment to the Germans, and a source of concern for animal-lovers around the world
The first casualty was Knut, the zoo’s biggest attraction. The beloved Polar Bear lived a hard life in his four short years. He was rejected by his mother at birth, but quickly taken to the warm and accepting bosom of the German people. Recently, however, fans were shocked when the adorable ursine dove into the moat around his enclosure, never to surface. The polar bear only a Teuton could love died of what is being called an infection.
Following close on the paws of Knut’s demise came the sad news that another animal had died. Shaina Pali, a six-year-old Indian elephant, was found dead by her trainer recently when he came to check on her at 7:00 AM. Autopsy reports showed that she had likely died of elephant herpes, which is particularly pernicious in pachyderms. The last person to see her before she died was new assistant trainer, Rolf ‘Cold Sore’ Stussenhimmel, who confirms that the creature appeared to be in good health when he last saw her, and moreover was in “a very good mood.”
Hopefully the mysterious animal deaths at the Berlin Zoo will stop with Shaina Pali. However, even if they do, something not-quite-mended has again been broken, and the German reputation for rigorously upholding the sanctity of all forms of life seriously impugned.