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Tag Archives: great white shark

Headlines: Achtung, Maybe!

10 Wednesday Apr 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Politics

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

ADHD, anti-semitism, Aryans, bad parents, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, cannabis, death by cop, death by gun, dope, Erin Moran, FDR, grass, great white shark, Happy Days, headlines, hemp, Idaho, illiteracy, indolence, Jews, marijuana, North Korea, Obamacare, Panda Express, police brutality, reefer, Reichstag Fire, Roger Ebert, safe sex, South Korea, South Korea > North Korea, sweet sweet cheeba, Teen Mom, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

This One Practically Writes Itself, Which Is Good, Because Mocking This Wretch Would Be Like Stealing Lunch Money From A Down Syndrome Kid.

In which we champion the twin virtues of indolence and illiteracy by commenting on the day’s headlines without knowing a thing about them.

***

Help! I Caught My Landlord in a Compromising Position With His Dog. ~ And now I live rent-free.

Shooting victim left infant alone while she went to bar ~She felt that a bar was too dangerous an environment for her child, a wise decision in light of subsequent events. That’s called good parenting.

How not to say the wrong thing ~ By keeping your fucking mouth shut. Seriously, it works nearly 100% of the time.

Lost World War II Bomber Crew Found After 69 Years ~ Oh man, they are PISSED!

Target dress apology: ‘Manatee gray’ plus-size dress vanishes ~ Target has renamed the offensive style ‘Koala Gray,’ and will soon be stocking it alongside existing styles School-Bus Yellow, Behemoth Blue, the Limited Edition Black-on-White Lady Shamu™, and the best-selling Chok’lit Jabba.

Why Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Reviewer ~ That’s the working title for Connie Rubin’s new erotic memoir!

“That’s…NGH!…That’s One! Give Me More, Roger! Give…NGGGH!…Yes! Yes, That’s It! Two! Two Thumbs Up!”

Police look at nude maids ~ Well, ‘looking at’ is what they’re for, right? For housework, though, you’ll want to get yourself a fully clothed maid.

Idaho teacher who used word ‘vagina’ during biology lesson faces reprimand ~ If’n you want to talk about Vagina or even West Vagina in your geographology class, well that’s one thing. But biology class is for talkin’ about cooters and wangs.

Officials: 9-year-old mother is at least 12 ~ Why, that lying little whore!

Overeating in children may be linked to drug use ~ Specifically, drugs used to treat diabetes, hypertension and acne.

Woman who swims with Great White sharks ~ Will soon become their chum.

What FDR said about Jews in private ~ Like most everybody else, he thought they were lazy, physically-imposing brutes with no financial sense whatsoever.

Because Being A Really Lousy Bigot Is Just Like Not Being A Bigot At All.

‘Teen Mom’ Star Expecting Another Baby & It’s Not Especially Good News ~ Oh, really? Why do you say that?

Sheriff’s Office: Man died after being pulled over ~ “I mean before! He died before he was pulled over. No wait–it was after, but…well, what the hell are we all doing sitting around flapping our jaws? A man’s been beaten to death and dumped in the back seat of a police cruiser–we need to be out there looking for the killers!”

Can Bad Parenting Cause ADHD ~ Well, bad parenting can produce lazy, inattentive children, so yes.

Report: ‘Happy Days’ star Erin Moran drinking in motel parking lots, offering back rubs ~ This week she’ll be at the Exit 10 Econo-Lodge on Old 99. If you want a little something special, ask for the “Chachi.”

5 Worst Mistakes Women Make in Bed ~ You know, like 80% of the time, the worst mistake is getting into bed in the first place.

The Aryans Are Coming ~ We’ve been here for a while now, bro. We’re just lying low and biding our time until another Reichstag Fire comes along.

SOON!

Why People Create Fake Relationships ~ So their pathetic, joyless lives appear slightly less pathetic and joyless. We thought that was obvious.

Safe sex does NOT diminish pleasure… ~ These words could only have been written by a woman or a lying man.

Watch your tongue, North Korea warns South’s new leader ~ “Or we’ll eat it! Seriously, we’re dealing with one heck of a food shortage right now, guys.”

A Labor Union Hopes Medical Marijuana Will Cure Its Ills ~ We bet it will. Weed fixes just about everything.

How Panda Express brings Chinese food to the mall ~ Inauthentically!

Should Obamacare Be Repealed? Vote in Urgent National Poll ~ If we can get enough people to vote, we can repeal Obamacare! Yes–that’s what we’d be saying if the United States were more like American Idol, and just any uninformed wingnut with a hair up his ass could vote directly on pending legislation. In fact, the United States is a republic, which means you may need to look up the term fait accompli right after you vote in this urgent national poll.

Never Forget That You’re An Integral Part Of The Political Process.

Parents Discover Daughter’s Death on Facebook ~ So you guys were pretty close, huh?

This Isn’t Candid Camera, It’s a Science Project ~ “So take your clothes off. No, really–it’s for science. And yes, me touching myself is all part of the experiment.”

Report: Man spent $1K on strippers, said he was robbed ~ There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation: he thought they were prostitutes.

Jason Gay: 23 Rules of the Office Holiday Party ~ Rule #1: Change that name, Jason.

Texas DA found dead 2 months after assistant slain ~ So we guess we can cross the assistant off the suspect list.

3 ways for Cardinal Dolan to show his ‘love’ for gay people ~ Sure–a few three-ways would send a bold message for gay tolerance, but is that sort of behavior in keeping with Catholic doctrine?

If Your Intention Was To Make Me Think Inappropriate Thoughts About The Former Pope, Then Mission Accomplished!

Headlines 12.10.12

10 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Science, Stupidity

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Albert Einstein, Alzheimer's, Baseball, Black Hawk Down, community college vs real college, Des Moines, great white shark, headlines, Hollywood, Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Sandy, Jesus Juice, Nadya Suleman, New Orleans, New York City, Octomom, polio, pornography, Pussy Riot, redheads, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, United Nations, Weekly World News

By Smaktakula

Once A Staple In Grocery Store Check-Out Aisles Across The Nation, The Weekly World News’ Folksy Exaggerations And Fanciful Tales Were No Match For The Real-Time Prevarications And High-Tech Lies Being Spread Around The Clock By The Likes Of FOX News And MSNBC.

In which we base our comments solely on the headlines. We leave the actual reading to society dames, old people and the friendless sissy boys who enjoy that kind of thing.

***

7 Reasons Your Neighbors Have More Money Than You ~ They’re simply better people and deserve to lead more pleasant and exciting lives. That’s why.

Octomom AVN Awards: Nadya Suleman ‘Blown Away’ By Porn Award Nomination ~ This is the first time we can recall feeling sorry for legitimate porn actors. It also marks the first time we’ve thought of them as in any way ‘legitimate.’

Post-Katrina funds run dry ~ First of all, ha ha–‘dry’–classy. Secondly, New Orleans has been crashing on the national couch for about seven years now; maybe it’s time it got up and went looking for a job. That carton of Newports didn’t buy itself, you know.

Tragedies can’t break heroic NY community’s spirit ~ After Hollywood, has there ever in the annals of recorded history been a city so embarrassingly self-aware and so achingly in need of constant acknowledgement than NYC?

Help! My Grandma Thinks I’m Not Her Son’s Biological Child ~ Look, you’ve got to understand that Grandma’s way of thinking stems from a bygone era. Back in her day a child could still expect a good public school education, so she’s pretty smart.

Saving Somalia: A wasted effort? ~Well, we feel bad saying it, but yeah, don’t you kinda think so?

They Made A Movie About The Last Time We Were There, Which Most Likely Means We Won.

Great White sharks are not dangerous according to daring photographer ~ Okay, be honest now: Who out there isn’t hoping this clown gets gobbled up in a spectacularly messy fashion?

The Island Where People Forget to Die ~ If that really worked, the world would be up to its ass in Alzheimer patients.

Ohio 16-year-old dead after fight with another girl over flatulence ~ FART FIGHT!

Community colleges’ promise meets bitter reality ~ Kids–for real promise, go to real college.

Edward Archbold Cockroach-eating contest winner dies moments after … ~ As if the lame-ass name weren’t bad enough, the ridiculous, undignified death is the icing on the cake. They’re gonna kick you around a bit in heaven, so be ready for that.

Polio: The UN’s Fierce Fight to End the Ancient Scourge ~ Rest easy, folks. With the UN on the case, we almost feel sorry for polio.

Solved Ages Ago. Seriously, When Was The Last Time You Heard Somebody Even MENTION Darfur?

In Des Moines, Turning Off Weather Beacon Unleashes Storm ~ It’s so cute–they really BELIEVE that!

Learning French Is Like Learning Baseball ~ Except that you get more stinky doing it.

Albert Einstein’s Brain May Provide Clues To His Genius, Study Says ~ Nothing better illustrates the contemporary need for an intellect like Einstein’s than the sad fact that scientists are seeking to determine if the brilliant physicist owed his world-class mind to the great big learnin’ muscle inside his skull.

When the Arab Jews Fled ~ Man, when DIDN’T they?

Traci Lords: I Want To Teach My Son To ‘Use His Penis For Good And Not Evil’ ~ The penis does not distinguish between arbitrary human concepts like ‘good’ and ‘evil.’ The penis is the lawgiver. Oh, and Traci’s a fucking halfwit.

Scientists: Genes, not sun, behind redheads’ increased melanoma risk ~ That and the Lord’s disfavor. Can’t forget about the Lord’s disfavor.

And They All Kinda Look Like That Creepy Homicidal Plaything, ‘Chucky The Killer Doll’ From Child’s Play.

The Absurd and Outrageous Trial of Pussy Riot ~ Well, it’s pretty much a given that any forum in which “Pussy” is uttered roughly 3,218 times will be a somewhat less-than-dignified affair.

Alabama man raped his niece while her father watched, police officer testifies ~ The detail which has so far proved most vexing to the investigators is that there appears to have been only one man at the scene of the crime.

In Haiti, Sandy Leaves Behind Death and Devastation ~ More death and devastation, that is. Let’s not pretend the place was Beverly Hills before that hurricane showed up.

A Surfer Waits for a Wave—in Idaho ~ Hope you brought a book, brah.

Give Pot a Chance ~ That’s all we’re saying.

For Asians, School Tests Are Vital Steppingstones ~ “But rest of you all dummies! And so lazy! You lazy dummies all work for me someday!”

Oh, Snap! By That Same Logic, I Guess I Don’t Really Drive An Automobile With Quite As Much Skill As I Think I Do.

How Old is your Dog in Human Years ~ Rusty’s four, moron. The tricky one is ‘dog years.’

10 things trick-or-treaters won’t say ~ “Why, sure!~–I’d be delighted to sip warm Jesus Juice in your basement while you give me a shoulder rub.”

The Elmo Scandal … Forget the Kids, Poor Us! ~ Is your life truly so bereft of real human experience that a scandal involving an imaginary character can so fundamentally undermine the foundation upon which your sense of self rests?

Cops: Bargain-hunter took home TV, left tot ~ That IS a bargain. Think of all the money he’s gonna save over the next sixteen years or so.

Help! My Husband Is Transitioning to a Woman ~ Why don’t YOU help, then? Presumably you’ve had some experience being a chick.

Size does matter in bed, study shows ~ So despite what she tells you, thumbdick, you leave her restless and achingly unfulfilled.

In Case Anyone Wants To Know (Ladies), We Wear A Size 14. Wide.

We Get It, Ladies: You’re Dying To Know, But Embarrassed To Ask–Size 14. Wide.

Headlines 11.02.12

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

2012 Presidential Campaign, 2012 World Series, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, comic books, death by hurricane, death by shark, Detroit, Detroit Tigers, dolphins, fat people, FDR, Geneva, great white shark, headlines, hurricanes, ignorance--it's what we do, Jersey Shore, Joe Biden, left-handed people, Louisiana, Meat Loaf, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, New Jersey, North Korea, polio, retarded, San Francisco Giants, Sandy, slut-shaming, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Switzerland, teachers, unfortunate ways to die, white people, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

Yeah, That’s Pretty Damn Easy For You To Say, But Real People Are Affected By This Tragedy. For One Thing, The Guy Who Lives There Owes Us $13.75!

In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.

We lose interest after the headlines.

***

Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss.  ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.

Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!

Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.

Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”

Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’

Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?

What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.

Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.

Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹

Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal  fireworks?

Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?

Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.

On The Plus Side The Benefits Are Great, You Get Lots Of Time Off, And Nobody Cares If You’re Competent So Long As You Don’t Diddle The 8th Graders.

6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.

Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”

North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.

Video games can fight obesity?  ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Dear Garden State Friends, Our Hearts Go Out To…Hold On, Pal…WHAT?…WHAT?…NO, I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE!…Sorry–Our Hearts Go…Hold On…YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID–YOU HEARD ME SAY IT JUST NOW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BRO?–Hey Pal, This Might Take A…I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND HERE, OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.

VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.

Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.

7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.

Headlines 10.26.12

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

abortion, Barack Obama, Baseball, Bill Clinton, blame Obama, bull sharks, childish sexual innuendo, David Hasselhoff, death by cop, Germany, Germany's dark history, great white shark, Gruenenthal, headlines, ignorance--it's what we do, illegal aliens, Iran, Jay-Z, Jimmy Carter, Los Angeles, Malala Yousafzai, Minneapolis, Mitt Romney, morning after pill, no that's *fellates*, Ronald Reagan, San Francisco Giants, sex, sex scandal, St. Louis Cardinals, Texas, Thalidomide, Vietnam

By Smaktakula

Sure, It Sounds Noble. But What Message Are We Sending About Using Violence To Solve Problems?

In Which We Comment On The Day’s Headlines

Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

Resort’s Snow Won’t Be Pure This Year; It’ll Be Sewage ~ Well, that stinks!

Cops fatally shoot suspect wanted for impregnating 11-year-old ~ The tragedy is that a child was robbed of its father. We mean the as-yet-unborn child, not the one the guy knocked up.

Players on contending teams have more fun ~ Which flies in the face of the widely held belief that being a loser is the fucking bee’s knees.

Obama: Jay-Z ‘knows what my life is like’ ~ At first we were gonna scoff. We reconsidered when we realized that President Obama has thus far avoided the sexual pitfalls that marred Bill Clinton’s time in office. Like the man said, “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

Swarm of wasps attack preschoolers ~ Some headlines are funny without our help.

If This Doesn’t Bring A Smile To Your Face, You Have No Soul.

I Was a Welfare Mother ~ And I’m pretty sure you’re the father of at least two of my kids.¹

Man drags great white shark into ocean ~ You fool! You’re going the wrong way!

More details emerge on US ambassador’s last moments ~ It turns out they were the worst moments of his entire life.

Teen accused of killing Texas county official found dead ~ Folks, how many times must it be said? Don’t Mess With Texas.

German thalidomide maker Gruenenthal issues apology ~ “However, on behalf of zee Tcherman people, I vould like to add zat zis iss hardly zee vurst tsing vee haff done.”

The Krauts: So Much To Answer For.

Does the morning after pill induce abortions? ~ If it doesn’t, we want our fucking money back. Seriously, we’re gonna need that cash.

Minneapolis workplace shooter lost job hours before rampage ~ So in a waaaaaaay, it’s Obama’s fault.

Woman Faces Harsh Reality From Butt Injections ~ It’s really only that first butt injection that takes your breath away; it gets easier after that. Who knows? You might even learn to like it.

Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill marries model ~ The semi-retarded pleasure-bot will be known simply as “Mrs. Followill” until such time as she needs a name.

Romney Deflates the President ~ So in a way, he’s kind of a prick.

When Your Opponent Is The 21st Century’s Jimmy Carter, And The Best You Can Manage Is To Pull Even With Him, It’s Clear That You’re No Ronald Reagan.

Study: Bull sharks have strongest bite ~ Yeah, we’ll believe that when we see it. They’re called ‘bull’ sharks for a reason.

Iran Felicitates Vietnam on National Day ~ Doesn’t that mean, like, to give someone a blow job?

Giants seek to beat Cards at own game ~ The game of baseball, you mean?

Raising Successful Children ~ There are as many theories of child-rearing as there are parents. Our method involves sharp rebukes and extended periods of isolation when the children speak without first being addressed by an adult. Hey, if we can get ’em to shut up for five minutes, we call that a success.

‘Because of you, I trust no one’ ~ Then there’s no more we can teach you.

“It’s Bad Enough You Made Me Believe He Was Real, But Then When I Confronted You About It, You Doubled-Down On The Lie And Tried To Feed Me That ‘Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus’ Bullshit! You Never Loved Me!”

For Young Jews, a Service Says, ‘Please, Do Text’ ~ Then comes the guilt!

Los Angeles mayor wants ID card for immigrants ~ It’s only fair that they should have something to not have to show when it’s time for them to vote.

How Men Work, When It Comes to Sex ~ Man, that’s the only reason we work at all! You see, the likelihood of you putting out increases along with our bank balance.

Girl shot with Malala: Memory of attack ‘still in my head’ ~ Also, the bullet.

10 Signs Your Employees Are Having an Office Romance ~ They’re humping on your desk as you read this.

“David, Did You Put That Tickler In Vickie’s Inbox?” The Potential For Inappropriate Innuendo Is Staggering.

Bonus! Because you’re so sweet, here’s a twofer:

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Unless you’re a field of dandelions, you’ve got no business being ‘ravaged’ by rabbits. We’re thinking that maybe God didn’t intend that these birds should live.

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Given what they named the place, we have to imagine this isn’t the first time that’s happened.

¹For a slightly more nuanced and sensitive take on the “Welfare” article, click here. ∞ T.

Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, avoiding responsibility, Barack Obama, binge drinking, black people, breast implants, breastuses, celebrity deaths, childish sexual innuendo, comical despots, death penalty, DUI, fun with stereotypes, great white shark, Greece, headlines, Holocaust, Japan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Joe Biden, Kim Jong-un, Kylie Minogue, legitimate rape, Mary Kay, Mitt Romney, Molly Ringwald, North Korea, peanuts, Phyllis Diller, racism, Rally Monkey, rape, Sikhs, Snoopy, Spongebob Squarepants, Tampa Bay Rays, Taylor Swift, Teletubbies, Ukraine, untalented authors, white people, whitey, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.

***

In which we indulge both our love of talking out of our asses and our shameful laziness by commenting on the headlines while leaving the actual reading to you.

***

Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?

Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”

Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.

What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.

Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”

“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”

Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.

I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.

Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.

Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.

Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.

How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.

Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!

Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.

For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.

Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.

The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.

Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.

Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.

Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.

‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.

Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.

Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.

Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.

Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.

And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.

How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!

Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.

Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.

North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.

Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.

Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.

***

Have A Great Weekend, Folks!

Headlines: The Snake That Grows When You Stroke It

20 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

AIDS, Amtrak, anal bleach, Andorra, Australians, bad cops, Barack Obama, childish sexual innuendo, dope, Ecuador, foot-licking, George W. Bush, GOP, grass, great white shark, headlines, hemp, hipsters, Julian Assange, Las Vegas, Mexico, nerds, penis snake, Peter Jackson, pot, Pussy Riot, racism, reefer, Republicans, Seattle, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, WNBA

By Smaktakula

Obama’s Regular Polling Of Swing-State Female Voters Indicates Their Growing Excitement About His Stimulus Measure.

In which our interests lie in the headlines, but not the stories themselves.

***

After 400 Pound Weight Loss, Man Gains the Weight Back ~ But you know what?–He’s a bigger man for it.

Rage Against the Machine Rages Against Paul Ryan ~ Understandable, as taking offense is the band’s Raison d’ être. Raging, man–IT’S JUST WHAT THEY GOTTA DO!!!

Persistence Is Key to Treating Sexual Pain ~ After she’s heard ‘Who’s ready to do the nasty?’ a couple thousand times, she’ll loosen up.

Woman who rescued animals killed by dog ~ Check your local TV listings for the Lifetime Network adaptation of this heartbreaking story, A Dog Called Irony.

Off-Duty Cop Crashes Motorcycle Into Little Girl Then Kills Her Enraged Dad ~ When Officer Onslaught’s actually ON the job, his body count must be through the fucking roof!

“Do You Think They Paint Crosswalks On The Street Just So You Can Cross Wherever You Fucking Feel Like?”

Attacks May Cost Great White Sharks Protected Status ~ If they’re so concerned about that, they might have paused for reflection before gobbling up all those Aussies.

Assange berates United States from Ecuador Embassy balcony ~ Also known as the ‘Pussy Perch.’

Preacher Says He Cures The Sick By Punching And Kicking Them ~ It could work, actually. That’s how Dad finally cured Smaktakula’s bed-wetting.

A Novel Asks Seattle to Laugh at Itself ~ That’s expecting a lot. You’d have better luck trying to convince Las Vegas to show some respect for itself.

Peter Jackson: ‘I’ve Never Actually Read A Comic In My Life’ ~ And lo, a million virginal voices cried out as one.

“From Hell’s Heart, I Stab At Thee!”

When My Crazy Father Actually Lost His Mind ~ That sounds like a tough one to really pin down.

A Guide to Russian Band Pussy Riot’s Oeuvre ~ If you’re unfamiliar with the word ‘oeuvre’, you might be thinking it’s dirty. Sadly, no.

US beats Mexico in Mexico for 1st time ~ It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. There just hasn’t been too much of a need for the US to go to Mexico, what with most of Mexico being here all the time.

An Ex-Wrestling Executive Wins a GOP Primary ~ Yeah, but you know that shit’s all fake, right?

Where Do Sentences Come From? ~ What the hell? Listen, we’re gonna have to insist that you shut that spastic yapper of yours. Yeah, you’re no longer allowed to ask questions.

15 of the Cutest & Shortest Celebrity Men ~ Or 15 celebrity men whose work we no longer take quite as seriously as we once did.

Aside From Portraying Elves At Christmastime, About The Only Use For The Short Is Making Normals Look Really Tall. And Handsome.

The ‘Penis Snake’ Looks Exactly As You’d Think ~ Quite a bit smaller than advertised.

Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama ~ Obama surrogates were quick to counter that Obama had merely inherited the foot-licking situation from President Bush, and furthermore, that ‘foot-licking’ was coded racism.

Pig legs left at proposed mosque; federal probe sought ~ Yeah, somebody’s being a dick, but do we really have to make a federal case out of it? Oh, right–silly fucking us.

Can the WNBA Benefit from Olympic Gold? ~ Hey, anything’s possible, right? First, though–what’s a WNBA?

Quadruple amputee prepares to swim Bering Strait ~ Meanwhile,  his family stoically prepares for a burial at sea.

“Dave, It’s RIGHT THERE! Just Grab The Ring, Man! Dave! Dave!…Damn! Can He Not Hear Me Or Something?”

Comeback of photo booths exposes yearning for what’s real ~ Because nothing’s more real than a glossy, full-color facsimile.

A Complete Guide to ‘Hipster Racism’ ~ “Yeah, right now I like to hate on Andorrks. Andorra is a very small principality in Europe. You probably haven’t heard of it.”

Hassles of Air Travel Push Passengers to Amtrak ~ That Amtrak is pot-friendly doesn’t hurt, either.

Female governors and Rice speakers for GOP ~Aaargh! See? It’s THIS kind of thing that gets people so pissed at the Republicans.  Honestly, would it kill them to say “Female governors and Chinese-Americans?”

9 New No-Nos for Your Parts Down Below ~ Man…NEW ones? Organized religion, political correctness and the era of AIDS have pretty thoroughly circumscribed our options already.

Actually, This One Probably Should Remain A No-No.

Headlines 12.15.11

15 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History, Music, News, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus

By Smaktakula
keegan fills 20 (Un)Intentionally Funny News Headlines

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we respond to the headlines, while ignoring the content.

***

Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.

Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you?  One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.

Only The US And Chinese Militaries Have Caused More Damage To Japan’s Infrastructure.

LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever  ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.

Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.

No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?

Crack Aficionados: They Seem Cute On TV.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy.  Boys are called heroes.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work.  Barry was never hip.

Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus?  It’s Jesus, isn’t it?

“Go Broncs!”

Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.

Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.

This Is What Timeless Beauty Looks Like.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!

The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.

Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico  ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Make Your Own Caption. We Suggest Something About “Roughing The Passer” Or “Tight End.”

What Has Come Before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X

Headlines 10.07.11

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

Well, Bless Their Hearts.

In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.

***

Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars 

  • Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression

  • It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally 

  • There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.

Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan

  •  That’s a misprint.  Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’

Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.

Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town

  • Sweet!  A Poltergeist remake.

Deportation policy angers bloggers

  • Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.

Tradition forces girls into prostitution 

  • “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? 

  • The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark 

  • The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.

Europe’s debt could sink US

  •  This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.

Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.

Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim 

  • Is that thing still on the loose?

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims 

  • If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Online dating? Why no one wants you 

  • Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors.  Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.

President Obama goes for a reset on jobs 

  • Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.

Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?

  • That you ever did says a lot about you.

White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude

  •  No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come.  And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.

Funk Legend Living In A Van 

  • The van’s funk is said to be legendary.

The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.

Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident 

  • Dear God!  At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON!  Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone

  • Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.

How Did the Robot End Up With My Job? 

  • For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy.  Plus, you’re ugly.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.

  • The secret is tapeworms.

Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.

See Also:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII

What Lies Beneath

02 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

celebrity skin, childish sexual innuendo, death by Kathy Bates, death by shark, great white shark, Kathy Bates, Oh god my eyes!, the mysterious depths, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Man is a terrestrial creature, born to walk upon the earth’s surface.  Although increasingly humans are taking to the water, there remains something primal and terrifying about the awful things which might lie beneath the water’s surface.

The Devil You Know:

A Hideous, Terrifying, And Gaping Pit Of Unquenchable Rapacity.

The Devil You Don’t:

The Same Thing, Most Likely.

 What is seen cannot be unseen. ∞T.

Headlines 04.28.11

28 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

American Civil War, autism, Brazil, Cape Cod, Donald Trump, Enrique Iglesias, Garey Busey, great white shark, headlines, homosexuality, Libya, Madden NFL 12, massacre, NATO, NFL, sailors, sharks, slavery, street children, US Navy, Vladimir Putin, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Just the headlines, none of the content.  For more Headlines fun, click here and here.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If the US Navy were to rid itself entirely of homosexuality, it would have all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Anchors Aweigh!

Brazil shooting said to be first school massacre in nation’s history ~  Previous Brazilian massacres have been of street children, and thus not newsworthy.

Madden NFL 12 to Make Player Safety a Priority ~Madden 12: Also known as ‘The Lame Edition.’

Blind pooch comes with own guide dog ~ Talk about a useless creature.

Meet the perfect rainforest predator ~ Haven’t they been telling us for years that it’s man?

Act goes awry, human cannonball dies ~ There’s no way anyone could have seen this coming.

Gary Busey endorses Donald Trump for president ~ Gary left a chunk of his brain on the street after a helmetless motorcycle accident.  Still, we thought he was smarter than that.

“My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food!”

Sick grandma dropped in Arctic in botched rescue ~ Okay, we’re actually gonna read this one.

What Makes a Person Ugly? ~ Well, it’s tough to explain, but there’s a reason dogs bark at you in the street and children flee screaming upon your approach.

‘Atlas Shrugged’ finally comes to the screen ~ The audience shrugs.

Small Iowa town ‘lucky’ after big tornado ~ But in the moments before the tornado they were decidedly unlucky.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really an expert, he should know they do that.

Pissing Yourself Is An Acceptable Response.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just wouldn’t shut up about it.

Libya regime accuses Nato of siding with rebels ~ Wasn’t that the whole point?

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ We just don’t know, and we can’t afford to let that happen.

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? ~ It all depends upon what you’re sitting on.

Our Eagerness To Resort To Awful Puns Is Simply Shocking.

Are You Praising Your Child Properly? ~ Do you even know where the little fuckers are right now?

Putin does the rendition-and-secret-jail thing, too ~ We’re not so different after all.

Woman denies biting off testicles ~ So was she a man before she did it?

Spend Valentine’s Day with Enrique Iglesias and a Big Bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant ~ We are so there.

“Nadie Puede Amarte Como Yo Pueda, Smaktakula.”

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