By Smaktakula

…Or We’ll KEEP You Right.

Regardless of your willingness to take a hard, long look at the truth, the fact remains that humanity is beset by an insidious societal blight which affects as much as 10% of the world’s population. Increasingly, the remaining 90%, or ‘normals,’ as they are most commonly known, seem ready to let their own culture be relegated to history’s dustbin rather than take the necessary steps to ensure that these genetic timebombs mend their incorrect ways. This view is not simply short-sighted in its naiveté, but downright foolish in its refusal to confront the very real threat creeping up on us from our blind side. Simply put, we dig our own grave when we downplay or refuse to acknowledge altogether the treacherous iniquity of left-handed people.

What The Hell? Do You Even Think About The Things You Say, Lefty? God–We Wish They Had Camps For You People.

Despite the very real danger posed by southpaws, those few journalists brave enough to bring attention to the goofy-handed threat are branded bigots, and often pay with their livelihoods. It has long since become politically incorrect to highlight what even a child can see for himself--that these people are using the wrong hand for just about everything they do! Society would apparently rather believe that these “people,”–who insist on daily engaging in behavior which is not only unfathomable to normals, but moreover, something most people could quite literally not bring themselves to do–are born that way, and that their bizarre and unnatural behavior is in no way a matter of choice.

No One Has Yet Come Up With A Sufficiently Biting Term For Lefties. It Makes Us Wish Society Hadn’t Been Quite So Hasty In Assigning The Pejorative “Fags.”

Promethean Times disagrees. We believe that humanity was created by an all-knowing God to do things a certain way–the RIGHT way– and that those who fail to remember this put at risk their immortal souls.¹ For too long these foul, slouching creatures have been allowed to walk among us as equals, and given free rein to pollute the minds of youth by their poor example. The time to remain muzzled by the fuzzy sentiments of political correctness has passed. Our duty is not to assuage the feelings of degenerates, but rather to halt our society’s decay as it falls under the shadow of an alien hand.

No, You’re Right, He’s A Total Asshole. But Give Him Some Points For Form.

It’s certainly no accident that the word ‘sinister’ is derived from Latin for ‘left handed.’ Nor should it be too onerous to determine which is the correct foot referred to in the aphorism ‘put your best foot forward.’ And just where do you suppose the French got ‘Gauche?’ You know that ‘dexterous’ means ‘skillful,’ but did you also know can also mean ‘right-handed?’ If these examples aren’t enough to remind readers that even language abhors a lefty, it should be remembered that left’s opposite is a synonym for ‘correct.’ It is only in recent times that we have eschewed the wisdom (right-) handed to us by our forefathers, and instead drawn these evolutionary dead-enders to our collective bosom.

If Applied To Politics, This Slogan Represents The Kind Of Rigid, Partisan Thinking Which Has Made The Political Moderate An Endangered Species. But In Regard To Handedness, It’s Right On The Money.

Perhaps some of you reading this may choose to believe that we have to a degree exaggerated the danger posed by these genetic aberrations. Anyone who contends that lefties aren’t hurting anyone but themselves has obviously never seen them write, or spent frustrating minutes trying to determine why the guy you’ve just met gives you the mega-creeps, finally to discover it’s because he’s wearing his watch on his right hand like some kind of freak. Some, however, will still deliberately ignore the issue, espousing some lame-ass ‘live and let live’ policy. All the same, we have to wonder if these people will still be whistling ‘We Are Family’ on that awful day when they discover a pair of unusable left-handed scissors in their own child’s backpack.

As If Being A Lefty Weren’t Enough, He’s Got An Androgynous Name And Throws Like A Twelve-Year-Old Girl. For All This, Though, Jamie Moyer Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

¹Soul-forfeiture is a peril exclusive to the right-handed. Lefties have no souls to lose. ∞ T.

BONUS!

Southpaw Sally (or–Kids Can Tell The Difference Between Laughing With And Laughing At)

By Tardsie

After I graduated, I worked for a couple of years as a teacher in an after-school clinic. One of my students was a bright and cheerful nine-year-old named Sally Choi (not her real name). Tragically, Sally was born left-handed. Naturally, I took to calling the young lady ‘Southpaw Sally,’ which she took with surprising grace.

One day Sally asked me, “Why do they call left-handed people ‘Southpaws?’

I had to confess that I didn’t know, but told her I’d have the answer for her before we met next.

Even before I could say hello before our next session, Sally asked me if I’d found out. I told her that, according to what I’d been able to find, the term was coined in the late 19th Century, when ballparks were designed so that right-handed hitters faced east, meaning that a lefty’s pitching arm was his “south” arm.

“What did they call left-handed people before baseball?” Sally asked.

“Oh,” I said, “Before baseball people just called them freaks.”

True story.