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Tag Archives: Jersey Shore

Headlines 11.02.12

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

2012 Presidential Campaign, 2012 World Series, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, comic books, death by hurricane, death by shark, Detroit, Detroit Tigers, dolphins, fat people, FDR, Geneva, great white shark, headlines, hurricanes, ignorance--it's what we do, Jersey Shore, Joe Biden, left-handed people, Louisiana, Meat Loaf, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, New Jersey, North Korea, polio, retarded, San Francisco Giants, Sandy, slut-shaming, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Switzerland, teachers, unfortunate ways to die, white people, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

Yeah, That’s Pretty Damn Easy For You To Say, But Real People Are Affected By This Tragedy. For One Thing, The Guy Who Lives There Owes Us $13.75!

In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.

We lose interest after the headlines.

***

Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss.  ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.

Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!

Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.

Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”

Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’

Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?

What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.

Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.

Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹

Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal  fireworks?

Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?

Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.

On The Plus Side The Benefits Are Great, You Get Lots Of Time Off, And Nobody Cares If You’re Competent So Long As You Don’t Diddle The 8th Graders.

6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.

Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”

North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.

Video games can fight obesity?  ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Dear Garden State Friends, Our Hearts Go Out To…Hold On, Pal…WHAT?…WHAT?…NO, I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE!…Sorry–Our Hearts Go…Hold On…YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID–YOU HEARD ME SAY IT JUST NOW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BRO?–Hey Pal, This Might Take A…I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND HERE, OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.

VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.

Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.

7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.

An Ode To Snooki

23 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

famous for nothing, herpes, Jersey Shore, Nicole Polizzi, Oompa-Loompas, skanks, Snooki, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, untalented stars, Valtrex, what IS the singular of Cheetos?, white trash

By Smaktakula

Snooki's Not Wearing Leather; That's Her Skin.

Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi’s time in the spotlight must soon come to an end. Her fifteen minutes of infamy draws inevitably to a close, as the public’s short attention span casts an obscuring shadow over the stars of yesteryear,  even those–among whom Snooki cannot count herself–with actual talent. However unlikely it may seem now, this braying product of a messy one-night-stand between a Cheeto and an Oompa-Loompa will one day go away.

This is our simple tribute to her.

***

This Is What It Looks Like When A Beach Ball Dresses Up Like Slash For Halloween.

If You Like Mixed Drinks, Why Not Try A Whining Orgasm Or Herpes On The Beach?

Sure, It Comes With A Price, But Sucking Off Every Jon Bon Jovi Impersonator In The Tri-State Area Is A Labor Of Love.

Plus, She Can't Take A Punch.

"HURRRRRRRR!"

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
We’ve got a funny question for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah duss
If you are wise you’ll listen to us
What do you get from being on TV?
A miserly check and a credit or three
Why don’t you try simply curtailing the sex?
Or do you just adore Valtrex?
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no breakouts
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
Since you are greedy you will go far
You will never find happiness
Like the Oompa Loompa give a rat’s ass

The Tuxedo

16 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Anne Hathaway, Carrot Top, Cary Grant, cretinous people, dicks, dinner jacket, douchebaggery, every girl is crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man, fashion, formal attire, George Clooney, Jeremy Piven, Jersey Shore, John Cusack, monkey suit, morning coat, smoking jacket, Tom Arnold, transformation, Tux, Tuxedos, ugly people, unfunny comedians, unremitting virginity

By Smaktakula

A Testament To The Power Of The Tux: You're Looking At A Picture Of Carrot Top.

The tuxedo, the origins of which lie in the late 19th Century, is essentially a modern invention.  Worn in a variety of styles and bearing various regional names–smoking or dinner jacket; morning coat; monkey suit–the tuxedo is de rigueur for a myriad of formal occasions.

The best thing about this piece of fitted apparel is that while it may not transform Tom Arnold into Cary Grant, it goes a long way in that direction.  It’s hard to look bad in a tux.

However, it must be acknowledged that there exist a very few exceptions which prove the rule.

There's No Easy Way To Tell Him That His Seventeen Years Of Unremitting Virginity Will Not End Tonight.

Sometimes even celebrities, our natural betters, can fuck up a tux.

Considering All The Other Efforts John Cusack Has Expended Over The Years To Kickstart This Unlikable Dick's Career, He Could Have Thrown In His Stylist's Number.

Help Protest This Detestable Garment By Joining Us In Boisterously Chanting: "TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!"

Q: How Many Ds Are Contained Within This Picture? A: Ten, If You Count The Pair Of Douchebags And The Four Double-Ds.

TripoliWatch 2011: He Ain’t Dead Yet

07 Monday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

civil war, Come At Me Bro, Jersey Shore, Libya, memes, Muammar al-Gaddafi, places that suck, the West, Tripoli, United States of America, unpunished war criminals, unrepentant

By Smaktakula

Monday, 03.07.11–The United States, no longer content to limit its unending ground war to a single continent, is enlisting allies for possible military action against Libya.  Meanwhile, unrepentant bastard Muammar al-Gaddafi is having the time of his life as he continues to commit atrocities against his people while thumbing his nose at the West.

"Come At Me, Bro. Come At Me."

Genitals Of Jersey Shore Cast Declared ‘Herpes Nest’

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Places, Reality Television, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

fake n' bake, famous for nothing, Flintstones Chewable Vitamins, Goombah, Guidettes, Guidos, herpes, Herpes Nest, Italian Stereotypes, J-Woww, Jersey Shore, promiscuity, reality television, skankery, skanks, Snooki, STDs, The Clap, The Shore, The Situation, unfortunately-named celebrities, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Valtrex, well-known whores, your mother must be very proud

Who knew there could be consequences from living a life without consequences?   

Who knew the thought of the Jersey Shore cast gobbling Valtrex like they were Flintstones Chewable Vitamins would be so disturbing?   

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

What’s The Difference Between J-Woww And A Midget Con Man?  Well, One’s A Cunning Runt . . .Jersey Shore creator hands out herpes medicine to cast ‘like M&Ms,’ says report.   

Smaktakula

From AP By Way Of Breitbart: MTV Cancels Mexico Airing Of “South Park” Episode

09 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Political Correctness, Television, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

censorship, Felipe Calderon, Jersey Shore, Mexican Flag, Mexico, MTV, music videos, Political Correctness, South Park

Because the $4,900 fine would cripple MTV.

For our younger readers: Previous to its most recent incarnation, a high-tech freak show played at high volume, Music Television (as we used to call it) once played music videos.

Smaktakula

Read the silliness here: MTV cancels Mexico airing of ‘South Park’ episode.

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