Tags
backwater shithole, California, Fresno, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, Morro Bay, New Appalachia, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, places that suck, San Joaquin Valley, Scranton, unlivable places
By Tardsie
Tardsie’s a’travelin’!
Because Beauty And Livability Are Overrated.
It’s no secret that my jet-set life takes me to some pretty exciting places. Longtime readers will remember that last March I took the trip-of-a-lifetime to Valley City, North Dakota with my grandmother, and I’m sure I’ve told you at least once about that time I went to Scranton, Pennsylvania for a wedding.
It’s True. Life Takes Us To Some Pretty Exciting Places.
Today’s trip won’t pack on the mileage of either of those exotic journeys, but will very much be a journey to another world. As I write these words, tucked within the nurturing bosom of civilization and all its attendant luxuries like electricity, indoor plumbing and an atmosphere free of manure, I know that in just a few hours’ time I will be in a land that time (and just about everyone else) forgot.
I’m going to Fresno!
JEALOUS? Yeah, You’re Jealous.
Not unlike Adam and Eve, who were also driven eastward into a harsh and unforgiving land so different from the paradise to which they had become accustomed, once I cross the Santa Lucia and Temblor Ranges (really just hills if you live West of the Mississippi; mighty mountains if you don’t) I’ll be in the Appalachia of the West–the San Joaquin Valley.
“And Cain Went Out From The Presence Of The LORD, And Dwelt In The Land Of Nod, In The East Of Eden.”
Fun Facts About Fresno:
- With over 500,000 people living in the city proper (and over 1,000,000 in the Fresno Metropolitan Area) Fresno is bigger than a lot of other shitholes which have their own professional sports teams: Cleveland, Tampa, Salt Lake City, Atlanta and Miami (while we agree that the claim sounds fantastic, it is nonetheless true).
- With an average high of 97 degrees in August and a low of 38 degrees in January, there’s NO bad time to visit the Raisin City.
- About the only place you’ll find more Armenians is Armenia, and you don’t want to go there.
- Fresno is the birthplace of such high-profile stars as Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline.
We’ll Be Staking Out The Unemployment Office To See If We Can Get An Autograph.
Promethean Times 
“backwater shithole”, LOL. Great tag. I saw a documentary on Fresno once, dear God it’s like the zombies have taken over there. Be safe!
Ha! I didn’t catch that.
That picture you provided of Fresno makes North Dakota look like Paris.
A visit from Tardsie.
I can only imagine the twittering of anticipation in the local law enforcement offices.
Why,this is the biggest thing since Jebediahs still leaked into the local water supply!
You lucky sonuvabitch. A trip to Fresno is on my bucket list.
If North Dakota isn’t Paris that means the corn silo I visited wasn’t actually the Eiffel Tower.
Great title.
* rolling on the floor, laughing * * wipes tears from eyes* I’m from california, I know all about Fresno. Poor Fresno. But-but, actually, what’s wrong with it. It looks like Anywhere, USA. You should go to Stockton, too and compare.
Hey, Fresno is the birthplace of Tom Seaver, so it can’t be all bad. I mean, I’m from Bridgeport, so I’m not exactly in a position to cast aspersions on anyone else’s hometown.
Enjoy your trip!
Thank you for saving me that plane ticket.
My envy is insurmountable. I’ve been to Scarborough, near Toronto, which sounds the same. Except there’s no sports or postcards.
So that photo of Fresno must be fake. Because everyone in California owns at least one car and there are none to be seen in that photo. That’s really North Dakota, right?
At least you aren’t going to Detroit, Chicago, Cleveland or East St. Louis, which are the most dismal and fetid holes in North America, in that order. I’ve been to them all, though Detroit was the only place I both feared for my life and for the integrity of the suspension of the car I was trying to drive over their decrepit (union maintained no doubt) and abysmal freeways. Enjoy your trip to somewhere that looks pretty fun. I get to go to Cincinnati Thursday- it’s a safe trip to a nice neighborhood for what it’s worth. Cinci’s actually one of my favorite cities if only for the history and architecture, though I am sure Jerry and Steve-o will somehow convince me to go over the border (my sister only lives 20 miles from Covington KY) to score them some $30 a carton smokes. Oh, joy and rapture, the I-75 Pilot Truck Stop in Covington!
I never to need to visit Fresno. Ever!!
Having just returned from glamorous Barstow, California, Mesquite, Nevada and Fillmore, Utah, I really appreciate your itinerary. So yes, I might be jealous.