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Tag Archives: Fresno

Into The Valley Of The Shadow Of Meth

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

backwater shithole, California, Fresno, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, Morro Bay, New Appalachia, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, places that suck, San Joaquin Valley, Scranton, unlivable places

By Tardsie

Tardsie’s a’travelin’!

Because Beauty And Livability Are Overrated.

It’s no secret that my jet-set life takes me to some pretty exciting places. Longtime readers will remember that last March I took the trip-of-a-lifetime to Valley City, North Dakota with my grandmother, and I’m sure I’ve told you at least once about that time I went to Scranton, Pennsylvania for a wedding.

It’s True. Life Takes Us To Some Pretty Exciting Places.

Today’s trip won’t pack on the mileage of either of those exotic journeys, but will very much be a journey to another world. As I write these words, tucked within the nurturing bosom of civilization and all its attendant luxuries like electricity, indoor plumbing and an atmosphere free of manure, I know that in just a few hours’ time I will be in a land that time (and just about everyone else) forgot.

I’m going to Fresno!

JEALOUS? Yeah, You’re Jealous.

Not unlike Adam and Eve, who were also driven eastward into a harsh and unforgiving land so different from the paradise to which they had become accustomed, once I cross the Santa Lucia and Temblor Ranges (really just hills if you live West of the Mississippi; mighty mountains if you don’t) I’ll be in the Appalachia of the West–the San Joaquin Valley.

“And Cain Went Out From The Presence Of The LORD, And Dwelt In The Land Of Nod, In The East Of Eden.”

Fun Facts About Fresno:

  • With over 500,000 people living in the city proper (and over 1,000,000 in the Fresno Metropolitan Area) Fresno is bigger than a lot of other shitholes which have their own professional sports teams: Cleveland, Tampa, Salt Lake City, Atlanta and Miami (while we agree that the claim sounds fantastic, it is nonetheless true).
  • With an average high of 97 degrees in August and a low of 38 degrees in January, there’s NO bad time to visit the Raisin City.
  • About the only place you’ll find more Armenians is Armenia, and you don’t want to go there.
  • Fresno is the birthplace of such high-profile stars as Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline.

We’ll Be Staking Out The Unemployment Office To See If We Can Get An Autograph.

Fresno: Looking Past All The Suck

07 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Baseball, California, Central Valley, drugs, Enid, Fresno, If I forget thee T-Town, impoverished first-world hellhole, Los Angeles, methamphetamine, New Appalachia, Oklahoma, places that suck, San Diego, San Francisco, San Joaquin Valley, San Jose, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Tacoma, Washington, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Fresno Sucks Donkey Balls, It's True.

Fresno, California is a powerfully forgettable city.  Squatting like an infected zit in the center of California’s San Joaquin Valley (itself labelled a ‘New Appalachia’ by The Economist), Fresno is an embarrassing relation to California’s first-class cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose and San Francisco. Fresno is the cataclysmically retarded sibling the family keeps locked in the basement when company visits.

You Wouldn't Let Your Family Live Here, Yet This Is What Thousands Of Americans Endure Every Day.

Fresno’s abject wretchedness becomes apparent when it is understood that despite its relative obscurity, Fresno is the fifth largest city in California and 34th in the nation, making it far more populous than many other more famous and beloved cities.  Moreover, the dust-blown hellhole has long been known as a crime-ridden cesspit–pungent, filthy and unlivable, where average  July temperatures soar above 97 degrees.

MY L1F3 4 FR35N0. FR35N0 4 L1FE, Y0.

Neither are Fresnans known for their mental prowess.   In 2009 the city wallowed dead last in a national ranking of ‘Smartest Cities in America, and boasts as its primary institution of higher learning Cal State Fresno. Fresno lacks any professional sports teams,* and for famous Fresnans can list the likes of Balco’s Victor Conte, talentless rapper-cum-baby daddy K-Fed and crazy bitch Anne Heche.  Local citizens have even founded the Frebby Awards, to highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck.

So Sad.

But things may at last be looking up for the Raisin City. A recent newspaper headline has tagged Fresno with a distinction which seems to blow like an ill wind from city to blighted city throughout the American West.  Tomorrow the spotlight may be upon Tacoma, Washington, Enid, Oklahoma or any one of a hundred other loser cities, but this moment belongs to Fresno, which for today anyway, has been declared the methamphetamine capital of the United States of America.  Way to go, Fresno!

Everyone Is Special In His Or Her Own Way.

*Fresno does have a AAA baseball team, the Fresno Grizzlies. However, we hardly need remind readers that as the farm team for the San Francisco Giants, they don’t really count. ∞ T.

Katching Up WIth K-Fed

15 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

baby mama, backup dancer, California, do-nothings, famous for nothing, Fresnans, Fresno, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, losers, people from Fresno, places that suck, professional baby daddy, untalented stars, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

As it turns out, not much is going on.

The Formerly-Famous Fresnan* Is Seen Loitering With An Unidentified Woman, Possibly A Baby Mama.

* Fresnan: noun 1) a person from Fresno, California; 2) rascal, lout or douchebag.  ∞T.

A Foul, Yet Affordable Rolling Bedlam

11 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Holiday, People, Places, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

air travel, airplane, Americans, Amtrak, bloated dying beast, bus crashes, bus travel, buses, California, chatty gay men, China, commuters, death by bus, decapitation, deranged seatmate, East Coast, embankments, English teachers, Fresno, Greyhound, Greyhound v. Embankment, Jordan Knight, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, Namibia, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, NKOTB, only losers take the bus, Orient Express, PopoZau!, prison-on-wheels, rail travel, rolling bedlam, trains, two great tastes that taste great together, unfortunate ways to die, Utah, Victor Conte

By Smaktakula

The airplane has emerged as the prefered means of conveyance for most Americans.  Commuters routinely jet between neighboring cities which once they would have reached by rail or road.  Trains are still used by East Coast commuters, retired English teachers and quirky, garrulous middle-aged gay men; they have long since ceased to be a viable travel option for the rest of America.  The airlines are fast, but expensive.  Amtrak, a bloated, dying beast supported by the American taxpayer, is interminably slow as well as being expensive.  For those wretched souls for whom neither conveyance is an option, only the bus remains.

"Your Chocolate Got In My Peanut Butter!" Buses And Embankments Are Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together.

Americans seem to understand instinctively that bus travel is travel of the last resort.  A July 23rd tragedy in Fresno, California validated those fears when a Greyhound bus collided with an overturned SUV, then clipped another vehicle before all three plummeted over a 15-foot embankment, killing six people.  More recently, three people were killed in a Utah bus crash.  Add to those figures the six Namibians and thirteen Chinese killed in bus accidents in the last few days.  Amid the carnage, a grisly message begins to coalesce: travel by bus, die horribly.

It has been said that there is no good way to die.  However, some deaths are so uncomfortable and degrading as to measure to a standard all their own.  By any reckoning, death by bus is among the worst.

Urban commuters familiar with the city bus often fail to appreciate the dismal squalor of its far-traveling cousin.  They correctly point out that like long-distance buses, city buses are also filthy, slow and buzz with incipient craziness.  But when compared to the Yemeni prison-on-wheels that is the Greyhound bus, the Muni transforms into a first-class berth on the Orient Express.  City dwellers may find it unsettling that the ratty, sour-smelling man in the stained overcoat is peeing into the center aisle, but should take some comfort that they face little danger of being decapitated by a deranged seatmate.

Buses Are Often Crowded, And Finding A Seat To Yourself Can Be Difficult. Looking And Smelling Like This Gentleman Will Give You A Leg Up On Your Competition.

It is difficult to imagine a more disagreeable group of people with whom to be squashed into a collective jelly than these mouth-breathers:  The slicked-back shifty dude with a cobweb tattooed in the corner of his eye socket; the skeevy sailor on leave and on the make, and the fifteen-year old runaway who, in other circumstances might give it up for him; incomprehensible migrants and their improperly-stowed livestock; the recently paroled ex-convict with his bottomless retinue of off-key Al Green numbers; and the smelly, twitchy guy for whom Jesus is always very near.  A further horror is the revelation that one of these bipedal humanoids is the bus driver.

There is a final indignity that in many ways surpasses the thousand tiny cuts suffered by these doomed commuters.  It is disheartening enough to accept that people are born and must live out their aching lives in the reeking cow-town that gave the world Victor “Balco” Conte, NKOTB’s Jordan Knight and hip-hop impressario, K-Fed; that people must also end their days there may be too much for the soul to bear.  No one should have to die in Fresno.

Fresno: Hot, Dirty And Full Of Suck.

They Get Facebook In Fresno. Tell ‘Em About It

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