In which we are told we can have anything we want.*
*Certain conditions may apply.
ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth
15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!
Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?
The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”
What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.
What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”
‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass. However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.
My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?
HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.
Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.
Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”
NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.
Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!
Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”
Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.
What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”
Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.
Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.
How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”
Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.
Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.
Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.
Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.
Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.
Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.
What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?
Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.
African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”
Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.
Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.
“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.
It’s no secret that my jet-set life takes me to some pretty exciting places. Longtime readers will remember that last March I took the trip-of-a-lifetime to Valley City, North Dakota with my grandmother, and I’m sure I’ve told you at least once about that time I went to Scranton, Pennsylvania for a wedding.
Today’s trip won’t pack on the mileage of either of those exotic journeys, but will very much be a journey to another world. As I write these words, tucked within the nurturing bosom of civilization and all its attendant luxuries like electricity, indoor plumbing and an atmosphere free of manure, I know that in just a few hours’ time I will be in a land that time (and just about everyone else) forgot.
I’m going to Fresno!
Not unlike Adam and Eve, who were also driven eastward into a harsh and unforgiving land so different from the paradise to which they had become accustomed, once I cross the Santa Lucia and Temblor Ranges (really just hills if you live West of the Mississippi; mighty mountains if you don’t) I’ll be in the Appalachia of the West–the San Joaquin Valley.
1914, Archduke, Austria, Austro-Hungarian Empire, backwater shithole, Balkans, death by gun, Dulce Et Decorum Est, famous Austrians, First World War, Franz Ferdinand, Gavrilo Princip, June 28, places that suck, Sarajevo, smooth move Ex-Lax, The War To End All Wars, this day in history, Wilfred Owen, WWI
On which, in an unlikely Balkan backwater, a Serbian crazyman formally inaugurates the 20th Century with a bang.
backwater shithole, chemical toilet, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kleenex, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, North Korea, places that suck, port-o-potty, porta potty, shitty brands, United States of America
Of the world’s wretched, filthy and flyblown places, the haphazardly maintained Honey Buckets¹ encountered at some of America’s lonelier Interstate rest stops must surely rank among the foulest.
If your county didn’t hate veterans, it would find a way to tell the world. Some, like Oregon’s Douglas County, have found a way to do just that.
asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan
We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us. Of course, this is sometimes not the case.
Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.
small black actor died We can do that.
gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone. What the hell is wrong with you people?
Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.
K2 We can do that.
huffing And that.
choking game That too.
somali pirates We can do that.
freshy somalis Um.
backwater shithole We can do that.
proud herpes There’s a proud kind? Damn. Smaktakula kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.
difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us. Try Wikipedia, Asshat.
bush pukes on japanese We can do that.
lesbian lactating Ew. We don’t do that. Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.
dirty russian Hmm. Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.
shannon price evil And a cooze!
pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom. Inquire for purchase.
what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years. In the meantime, try this.
fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!
is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.
giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?
indian sniper We can do that.
man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.
adult breast-feeding, Arrakis, backwater shithole, buzzkill, Footloose, Ha'il, intolerance, Islamic law, John Lithgow, lashing, Muhammad, mullahcracy, punishment, Saudi Arabia, Saudi clerics, Sharia law, town elders, wacky mullahs, Wahabi
A real-life version of the movie Footloose played out recently in Saudi Arabia. Unlike the cinematic version, the Wahabi version did not end with the creaky town elders learning to loosen up and have a little fun once in a while. Also, no glitter.
In the backwater shithole of Ha’il, fifteen men and women vowed to fight the antiseptic tedium of their earth-bound Arrakis in the only way they knew how: by throwing the biggest all-night rager in the history of the caliphate.
Just as Lithgow & co. despised dancing, the mullahcracy took a dim view of the young Saudis’ bacchanalian revelry. Scandalized by the thought of eleven unmarried men and four husbandless women mingling–mingling!– at a party, the town’s sense of propriety was badly bruised. Fortunately, a judge soberly deliberated upon Islamic law, and levelled a sentence deemed appropriate by most voices in the community:
A severe beating, followed by some contemplative time in a Saudi jail cell.
The court proved even more merciful on the fourth woman–a minor–who only received lashings. A source close to the woman reported:
“She thanks merciful God and His prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that for her great crimes, the wise mullahs sought only to beat her within an inch of her life.”
Some human rights advocates have decried the Saudis’ punishment as unduly harsh. While it may seem extreme by Western standards, can you imagine what would have happened if it were a human breast-milk party?
Oh He Don’t Score At Bowl-O-Rama/Still You Gotta Thank His Mama: Saudi Arabia convicts 15 men, women for mingling at party – USATODAY.com.
Smaktakula manages to find the only hotel in North America without wireless internet.
If Smaktakula wanted to live in Botswana he would fucking move to Botswana.
You’ve made the list, Jackpot, Nevada.