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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: North Dakota

Into The Valley Of The Shadow Of Meth

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

backwater shithole, California, Fresno, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, Morro Bay, New Appalachia, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, places that suck, San Joaquin Valley, Scranton, unlivable places

By Tardsie

Tardsie’s a’travelin’!

Because Beauty And Livability Are Overrated.

It’s no secret that my jet-set life takes me to some pretty exciting places. Longtime readers will remember that last March I took the trip-of-a-lifetime to Valley City, North Dakota with my grandmother, and I’m sure I’ve told you at least once about that time I went to Scranton, Pennsylvania for a wedding.

It’s True. Life Takes Us To Some Pretty Exciting Places.

Today’s trip won’t pack on the mileage of either of those exotic journeys, but will very much be a journey to another world. As I write these words, tucked within the nurturing bosom of civilization and all its attendant luxuries like electricity, indoor plumbing and an atmosphere free of manure, I know that in just a few hours’ time I will be in a land that time (and just about everyone else) forgot.

I’m going to Fresno!

JEALOUS? Yeah, You’re Jealous.

Not unlike Adam and Eve, who were also driven eastward into a harsh and unforgiving land so different from the paradise to which they had become accustomed, once I cross the Santa Lucia and Temblor Ranges (really just hills if you live West of the Mississippi; mighty mountains if you don’t) I’ll be in the Appalachia of the West–the San Joaquin Valley.

“And Cain Went Out From The Presence Of The LORD, And Dwelt In The Land Of Nod, In The East Of Eden.”

Fun Facts About Fresno:

  • With over 500,000 people living in the city proper (and over 1,000,000 in the Fresno Metropolitan Area) Fresno is bigger than a lot of other shitholes which have their own professional sports teams: Cleveland, Tampa, Salt Lake City, Atlanta and Miami (while we agree that the claim sounds fantastic, it is nonetheless true).
  • With an average high of 97 degrees in August and a low of 38 degrees in January, there’s NO bad time to visit the Raisin City.
  • About the only place you’ll find more Armenians is Armenia, and you don’t want to go there.
  • Fresno is the birthplace of such high-profile stars as Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline.

We’ll Be Staking Out The Unemployment Office To See If We Can Get An Autograph.

Plain High Drifter

26 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

North Dakota, places that suck, South Dakota, Travels With Tardsie, unlivable places

By Smaktakula

Tardsie has missed his last two check-ins. Although we’ve temporarily lost contact with the intrepid knapsack, we remind readers that Tardsie is a seasoned traveler, who’s no doubt having so much fun that he forgot to check in.

"Hello? Hey, Can Anyone Hear Me? I'd Like To Come Home Now. Hello?"

“O bury me not…” And his voice failed there.
But they took no heed to his dying prayer.
In a narrow grave, just six by three
They buried him there on the lone prairie.”

Dispatches From Nowhere

26 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

Adam & Eve, American Samoa, Caribbean, Delaware, Hawaii, Ibiza, Lawrence Welk, North Dakota, Pierre, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, South Dakota, Travels With Tardsie

By Smaktakula

From His Wind-Whipped Prairie Exile, Tardsie Writes: "People Ask Me All The Time If This Job Gets To Me. Hell--You Can See I'm More Clip Than Zipper These Days; I Lost Track A Long Time Ago Of How Many Nights I Cry Myself To Sleep. But Would I Quit? No Way--I Love It Too Much."

We didn’t create Promethean Times so that we could do things the easy way. We believe first and foremost in solid reporting and fierce investigative journalism. It’s no great feat to cover the news in exotic locales like Hawaii, the Caribbean or Ibiza. But when a story reveals itself in a blighted, lifeless place where no reasonable person would want to go, the real journalists rise to the challenge.

Promethean Times’ Editor-in-Chief, Tardsie D. Bagg has been sent on assignment to the Dakotas. In such circumstances, it can be easy to exaggerate the inconvenience or degree of difficulty. However, we feel entirely justified in comparing Tardsie’s departure from our cozy coastal environs for the endless expanses of this half-frozen horizontal First Circle of Hell to the expulsion of Adam and Eve from the Garden.

He left this:

But Where You Live Is Pretty Cool, Too.

For this:

The Death-Knell Of A Cherished Way Of Life Will Be Sounded Sometime In 2015-2016, When Indoor Plumbing Finally Comes To The Dakotas.

You’re welcome.

As the Dakotas are, after Delaware and American Samoa, indisputably the nation’s most forgettable territorial possessions, readers might wonder just what’s happening on the prairie that could command the attention of a busy A-Lister like Tardsie. Instead, we ask you, what ISN’T happening in the Dakotas? We can’t tell you everything, but here’s a little bit of what our very special Special Olympian is up to in the land that time forgot.

  • Investigating potential truths in the oft-repeated anecdotes about travelling salesmen and the nubile daughters of local farmers.
  • Demanding to know why the Dakota Contraction has yet to be implemented.
  • Petitioning the South Dakota legislature to have Teddy Roosevelt dynamited from Mt. Rushmore. Not in our America, Teddy.
  • Party like ’tis 1899.
  • Honoring the residents of Pierre (pronounced ‘peer’), South Dakota for their indefatigable efforts to mangle French pronunciation.
  • Cow Tipping! Cow Tipping! Cow Tipping!
  • Preparing the upcoming feature: How much tribal land can you get for $7.55 worth of beads and half a bottle of Old Granddad?

This Is What Passes For News Here In Terra Lame-O. Makes You Want To Give 'Em Something To Talk About, Doesn't It?

A taxi driver, bragging about North Dakota’s recent oil-boom, told me that the state has the largest Camaro dealership anywhere, proving that Dakotans have more money than class. Pray for me, friends. ∞ T.

Dakota Contraction Finalized

12 Monday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

1889, Baby Alaska, Canada, contraction, Dakota, Dakotans, Dennis Daugaard, District of Columbia, Fargo, hicks, Iowa, Jack Dalrymple, Minot, North Dakota, Pierre, places that suck, Puerto Rico, Rapid City, South Dakota, United States of America, yokels

By Smaktakula

Okay, But What If Certain States Are Holding Us Back?

Pierre, Dakota: Monday at 3:15 PM CST Governors Jack Dalrymple and Dennis Daugaard of the former states of North and South Dakota respectively, will flip a coin to see who will be governor of the new state of Dakota.  The two relatively-unpopulated states were contracted earlier this month to form a much larger, relatively-unpopulated state.

"Baby Alaska."

Although the idea of combining the two superfluous states was first floated in the spring of 1890 following the news of the Prairie Twins’ statehood in 1889, it was only in the Twenty-First Century that the scheme came to fruition.  Much of the opposition came from Dakotans themselves, who stubbornly continued to see themselves as having distinct cultural identities, North and South.  The bulk of the effort was invested in persuading the American people that North and South Dakota were actually existing states, and not different neighborhoods of the same mid-sized Iowa town.

Although Iowa Is Also Largely A Worthless State, Unlike The Dakotas, It Exercises A Disproportionate Influence In Determining Who Will Be US President

The jubilation felt by most Dakotans is a stark counterpoint to the indifference experienced by the rest of the world.  “A real state at last!” says Cody “Eyeball” Jenkins, mayor of Rapid City, echoing the sentiments of giddy yokels across the prairie.  For some, the excitement is translated into unrealistic expectations.  “People gonna hold conventions here, by gum!” says Milton Wiffley, of Killdeer, “Maybe we even gonna get a professional sports team.”  ‘Rasslin’ aside, this appears to be a pipe-dream.

This Is As Close As You're Gonna Come To Pro Sports, Folks.

Not everybody is so thrilled.  Many North Dakotans, recently the recipients of an oil windfall, don’t want to share their new-found good fortune with their neighbors to the south.  “They’ve got Indian reservations and bingo,” says Maynard Gumm of Fargo, “Let ’em keep ’em!”  Educators, in particular, are concerned about the newly-combined history curriculum.  “Can you imagine?” asks Carol Whitley, formerly a South Dakota teacher, “We’ll have to sacrifice valuable South Dakota history like the 1893 Corn Blight in favor of historical nonevents like the Minot Dirt-Farmer’s strike of 1912.”

The Contraction Party Will Be Off The Hook.

It’s difficult to say what unforseen externalities the Dakota Contraction will produce, but no one questions that there will be effects.  One possibility is that, the US populace having grown accustomed to 50 states, another district or territory will be granted statehood.  The most likely candidates are the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico or Canada.

Dakotans Feel That Theirs Is A Land Of Endless Horizons.

Dakota’s entry to the Union is an event about which everyone will be talking for days to come.  Then, the creeping tide of ignorance will rise to wash over the public’s memory, robbing the national consciousness once again even of  the memory of Dakotas’s existence.

Dakota Is Beginning A Wondrous Journey Of Self-Discovery.

Headlines 06.27.11

27 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Americans of Singularity Descent, Amy Winehouse, Ayman al-Zawahiri, bad parents, bilingual, black holes, Chicago, corruption, death by drunk driving, dictators, flash mob, Frank McCourt, gender issues, headlines, human feces, Jackass, Julia Sweeney, Keith Richards, Libya, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mexican drug cartel, Minot, NATO, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, playground beatings, Ryan Dunn, San Francisco Giants, Snooki, Spelling Bee, thanks a lot mom, untouchables, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Because who has time to read the articles, right?

One Of The Few Periodicals To Meet Our Exacting Journalistic Standards.

Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.

“Thanks A Lot, Mom And Dad!”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants?  Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.

His Palatial Home Is Built Entirely From The Bones Of Kittens.

Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.

Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’

Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.

If You’ve Never Gotten Really Drunk And Then Humped A Bright Orange Beach Ball, You Aren’t In A Position To Judge.

Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real.  Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.

Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.

Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.

With A Combined Weight Of 678 Pounds And Only One Mustache Between Them, It Takes Four Untouchables To Equal One Modern-Day Chicago Cop.

Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.  

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.

Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.

Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’

It’s A Given That You Won’t Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No. But If We Paid For A Boob Job, Would You Go, Go, Go?

Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’  ~ Then what happened?

4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God!  Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head.  We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.    

                                                 

Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really?  Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.

“Someday The Mountain Might Get Me,” Dunn Told Perplexed Friends In The Days Before The ‘Accident,’ Swearing, “But The Law Never Will.”

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