Some songs enrich our lives; others shatter them.
16 Grossest Things Parents Do for Their Kids ~ Bird parents puke down their kids’ throats. Try topping that.
In the mood for love? Signs that point to ‘yes’ ~ An erection, obviously.
This Couple Is Angry About Expecting Twins. Hear Them Out. ~ No, we’re with you. It’s almost as if God hates you, huh?
Deaf NY Starbucks Patrons Sue, Say They’re Mocked ~ Yeah, but how do they know, really?
Little Boy Makes Friends With Pope Francis ~ Ah. Little boys and priests, what could be sweeter than…wait just a damn minute!
‘I Thought I Was Ready To Lose My Virginity’ ~ Alas, being a virgin is a lot like being a hemophiliac: one prick and it’s all over.
Which ‘Housewife’ Is Worth $10K? ~ Studies show that the labor of the average homemaker is worth something like $120K annually. So the housewife worth $10K is a really shitty one.
How Not to Be Alone ~ Try to be a little less sucky.
Waitress Who Received Offensive Note Instead Of Tip Makes Awesome Move ~ She chalked it up to “people being assholes” and went on with her life? That would be awesome.
Tadeusz Mazowiecki, Polish prime minister, dies at 86 ~ Turns out he choked to death on one of the superfluous consonants in his name.
Analysis: Why Putin is backing Assad’s blood-soaked Syrian regime ~ Because Vladimir Putin is a creature of pure evil. This one’s not a joke, folks.
Gay NBA Player’s Hot Girlfriend ~ Wait…What?
Not Your Grandmother’s Skin Care? ~ I sure hope not. Whatever Grandma’s been using has shriveled her up like a prune.
13 Things Your Bartender Won’t Tell You ~ #8 “I think you’ve had enough, sir.”
WATCH: Newborn twins can’t stop hugging each other ~ Heh. That’s so gay.
Texas Plant’s Hazards Eluded Regulators For Nearly 30 Years ~ ‘Eluded?’ That’s a mighty fancy word for “ignored by.”
The sexiest film ever? ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’ ignites passions ~ Well, V from Lame Adventures saw it with her buddy Milton and they both agreed it was just about the best darn movie ever made.
Moose die-off: 100,000 ticks on just one moose, is Lyme disease culprit? ~ Have you considered death by blood loss?
‘Chaplin: The Musical’ — The Little Tramp Makes It to the Great White Way ~ It’s from the brilliant minds behind such Broadway hits as Marcel Marceau: The Rock Opera and Helen Keller: In Her Own Words.
Why I never cheer while attending pro sporting events ~ ‘Cause I’m a joyless dick.
Woman, 86, dies after running marathon ~ If you’ll consult the morbidity tables, we think you’ll find that statistically speaking she was every bit as likely to die after watching reruns of Murder She Wrote.
Talking feelings isn’t something Peyton Manning enjoys ~ Well, duh. Guess you saw the name ‘Peyton’ and thought he was a chick.
You’re a Gay Couple. Now What Do You Do? ~ I dunno, go to the movies or something. It’s not all that complicated.
The Alleged Rapist With a Possibly Inappropriate Nickname ~ He assaults AND demeans–a true double-threat!
Arkansas Man Wakes Up To Find Dog Ate His Testicle ~ We were going to make an Arkansas joke, but it’s just so sad how those people live.¹
My partner is sending naked photos of herself to another man ~ Then she’s not really you’re partner, now is she?
War, What Is It Good For? ~HUH! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Well, that’s what you’re supposed to say, but war is actually good for a lot of things, such as the acquisition of new territory and resources, expanding a nation’s sphere of influence and as a means of population control.
Warning men about “gray rape” ~ Keep it under 55, scumbags!
Chris Farley’s friends remember: “His greatest love was the act of laughter itself” ~ Cocaine was a pretty strong second, though, followed closely by whores.
Don’t White People Kill Each Other, Too? ~ Yes, but only as a last resort.