Some songs enrich our lives; others shatter them.
Q: Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and that’s down the chimney.
Q: What did the inner-city kid get for Christmas?
A: My bike.
Jesus Christ was manning the front door of heaven one day when an old man arrived at the pearly gates.
“Tell me about yourself, Old Man,” Christ commanded.
“I’m nothing special,” said the old man. “I am but a humble carpenter, but I was given a tremendous responsibility. I was step-father to a very special boy, a young man who took human form, but who was something more.”
Christ felt the sting of tears in His eyes. “Father,” He said.
Azizolah Yazdanpanah, bad parents, Boba, Boba Fett, Christmas, douchebaggery, Grapevine, holiday-themed mayhem, Merry Christmas!, Santa Claus, Texas, the War on Christmas, we don't normally say 'hella'
It happens every year–wherever families are gathered together for the holidays, dark forces arise to ensure that some asshole ruins Christmas for everybody. Again. This holiday-themed poltergeist may manifest as anything from your sister’s annual recrimination-swollen weep-orgy to your uncle’s unquenchable lust for the young cousins. It might simply be dad not showing up again. Just as there are a myriad of families, each with its own holiday traditions, there are also just as many traditional ways to fuck those families up for the holidays.
But as with so many things done well–particularly with holiday-themed acrimony– it’s easy to be undone by routine. The challenge for many lies in blighting the family gathering to such a degree that it remains a painful and unshakable legacy for generations to come. The unfortunately-named Azizolah “Boba” Yazdanpanah, of Grapevine Texas, found a way to do just that.
When Christmas morning found Yazdanpanah dressed in a Santa suit at the door of his estranged wife’s home, unsuspecting relatives welcomed him in the spirit of the holiday, no doubt suspecting that Yazdanpanah’s antics would amount to no more than his annual tradition of making a complete ass of himself in front of his beleaguered and long-suffering family. A niece tweeted, ” We just got here and my uncle is here too. Dressed as Santa. Awesome.” She added, ominously, “Now he wants to be all fatherly and win father of the year.”
This proved a tragic misreading of Yazdanpanah’s intentions. Rather than ‘father of the year,’ the deranged douchebag’s mad goals were to summon the demoniac specter of Christmastime abandon, and loose the blood-maddened yule-beast upon everything he had ever loved in a paroxysm of Bah-Humbug Scroogery. A perfectionist until the last, Yazdanpanah had invested too much into his ghastly scheme to singlehandedly suck the joy from Christmas to compromise his mission with haste or sloppiness. Yazdanpanah graciously joined his family in opening gifts and celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace before slaying everyone present with a handgun he had stashed in his Santa suit.
Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Merry Christmas!, Nodong-2, North Korea, pariah nation, places that suck, Pyongyang, rogue state, Santa Claus, South Korea > North Korea, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you
In a move considered dickish even by the attenuated standards of blighted pariah nations, rogue state North Korea fired two Nodong-2 missles at Santa’s Sleigh early Sunday morning, narrowly missing the beloved quasi-diety. Santa and his reindeer are reportedly unhurt, much to the delight of good boys and girls throughout the first world.
Western observers are divided as to the reasons behind the military action. Some view the attack as a show of strength by newly-appointed dictator and enfant terrible, Kim Jong-un. Others disagree. Proponents of the so-called “Bad Santa” theory contend that the attack was a calculated maneuver, and was never intended to harm St. Nick. Santa would be so furious following the encounter, according to the theory, that he would leave the entire North Korean nation nothing but coal, something the wretched citizens of the failed state desperately need to heat their desolate hovels.
It’s easy to get swept up in the holidays during this time of the year: frantic shopping excursions boiling with unwashed humanity; uncomfortable family gatherings in which the introduction of alcohol turns awkwardness to acrimony as if by magic; gifts so shitty that no mentally competent adult could possibly enjoy them. This is what we look forward to eleven months out of the year.
As difficult as it can sometimes be, it’s a good idea to pause and take a long, reflective look at Christmas, meditating not only upon the meaning of this very special holiday, but also on its significance within our own lives. The latter answer will vary depending upon the speaker.
As to the former–the meaning behind the gift-giving, tinsel and tree–the answer is not nearly so subjective, but every bit as significant. Although known to every man, woman and child across Christendom, it is worth remembering that when we celebrate Christmas, we are really celebrating the birth of that Scarlet Savior and Merry Messiah–Santa, from Whom all gifts flow.