• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Tag Archives: Ron Jeremy

Keep That Kidney To Yourself, Whore!

20 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Science

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

CDC, Centers for Disease Control, harlots, hooker with the heart of gold, hussies, organ donors, prostitution, Ron Jeremy, skanks, skonks, sluts, STDs are no laughing matter!, tramps, transplants, women of easy virtue

By Smaktakula

Ironically, You Can Only Donate Life If You Haven't Had Much Of One Yourself.

It’s easy to forget the impact that organ transplants have had on society. Medical science has advanced to such a degree that it now seems routine to cut the organs from a dying man or woman and transplant them into the body of a patient who, without the procedure, would otherwise die. There are thousands of people today who owe their very lives to men and women whose names they will never know.

Despite the dizzying progress of our science, human behavior has yet to make the same quantum leap.  Because increasingly fewer people are opting to become organ donors, the demand for transplants far outpaces the availability of suitable organs.

The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold. It's A Very Serious Medical Condition.

If a Centers for Disease Control recommendation is implemented, quality organs will become even more rare. The venerable health organization takes very seriously its responsibility to ensure that only the pinkest, healthiest organs get sewn into recipients. To meet this end,the CDC has devised several screening methods to weed out potential undesirables and plague-carriers. Relying heavily on statistics, the organization has identified several high-risk groups, such as convicts, whose members are barred from organ donation.  However, in a move sure to stoke the ire of pro-skank activists around the globe, the CDC has issued recommendations barring persons of a slutty nature from donating organs.

Sadly, Ron Jeremy Will Most Likely Not Be Allowed To Donate, And His Magnificent Organ Will Die With Him.

Smaktakula’s lonely and isolated existence would make him a perfect candidate to donate his organs, if only doctors weren’t so hung up about sclerosis. ∞ T.

Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

16 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', 9/11, al Qaeda, Ann Coulter, beating off, choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, goat-fuckers, internet pornography, Islam, jerking off, masturbation, Navy SEALs, onanism, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, porn, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, self-abuse, spankin' it, spanking the monkey, sticky fingers, Terrorism, whack shack

By Smaktakula

Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.

The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything.  They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth.  But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.

Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.

This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn.  As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.

Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.

Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel?  The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.

A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.

Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium.  Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’  Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’

Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.

The Magical World Of Make-Believe

09 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Avatar, comic books, cosplay, costumes, Dr. Who, drugs, fandom, Hellboy, Lara Croft, living in mom's basement, Lodi, make believe, Pokemon, pregoo porn, rites of childhood, Ron Jeremy, sexless adults, Star Trek, stupid shit little girls like, too fat to wear that, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

This Is Either Adorable Or Degrading Depending On How You Look At It.

Among the time-honored rites of childhood is playing make-believe.  As murderous outlaw cowboys, fairy princesses, dauntless firefighters or myriad other fantastical and heroic roles, children push the boundaries of the possible before the realities of adulthood grind their little spirits to dust.  Nine-year old Billy may be destined for a life of junior management at the Lodi Rite-Aid, but for this brief and priceless time he can be a gridiron hero, space cowboy or one of those annoying blue critters from Avatar.

The Glasses And Cleavage Are Nice, But The Lollipop Is The Pièce De Résistance.

Fortunately for the emotionally-stunted and other sexless adults, in 2011, dress-up is not limited to children or the mentally challenged; more and more, people over the age of eleven are embracing the magical world of make-believe.  They call it cosplay.

Cosplay, which Wikipedia charitably calls ‘performance art,’ isn’t going away any time soon.  Thanks to the proliferation of various fandom conventions–comic books, Star Trek, Dr. Who and their ilk–cosplayers have become emboldened through interaction like-minded individuals, where in ages past they would have been limited to practicing their hobby in dim and lonely basement, their sole audience a badly cracked full-length mirror.

Cosplay Pioneers Such As This One Had To Practice Their Art Behind Closed Doors.

Having crawled out into the sun, it is foolish to believe that these merry masters of make-believe will just as quickly slink back into the faerie forest.  In this way cosplay is like illegal drugs or preggo porn, enough people want to do it regardless of the very serious harm which may result, and so the war must turn to one of management rather than eradication.

It is imperative then that we educate the public–and not merely the cosplaying fringe–about engaging in safe make-believe practices, and also about the very real dangers of improper cosplay.  The following illustrations should suffice to impart upon even the most casual observer a basic knowledge of the DOs & DON’Ts of this bizarre hobby.

Cosplay:  There’s a right way, and so very many wrong ways.

Sadly, Wolverine's Uncanny Powers Of Regeneration Do Not Extend To His Hairline.

Now They Call Her 'Fridge Raider.'

Cody Bunning IS Hellboy--Thanks To Makeup And Mom's Credit Card.

Even If Your Goal Was To Not Look Like A Complete Tool From The Waist Up, We'd Say It's At Best A Partial Success.

You're Doing It Right.

You're Doing It Wrong.

Poor Hygiene Means You Sit Alone.

This Sailor Moon Comes With Her Own Gravitational Field.

"It's The Role I Was Born To Play!"

Clothes Do Nothing For Ron Jeremy.

No, You're Right--She's A Perfectly Lovely Young Lady. We Just Can't Help Being A Little . . . Underwhelmed.

If Someone Hasn't Told You By Now, Profile Is Not Your Best Angle.

She Gets It.

He Doesn't.

Historically We Have Been Opposed To Forced Sterilization. However, We Make Exceptions.

Faisal And His Four Brides Were A Hit At The Islamabad Convention.

Many Lamps Were Rubbed That Day.

You Wouldn't Think Robin The Boy Wonder Could Be Made Any Lamer, But There You Go.

Yeah, The Ladies Have Let Themselves Go. But Copious Quantities Of Alcohol Will Transform The Chick On The Left Into The Supergirl We Met A Few Panels Ago.

We're Reasonably Sure That Jabba The Hutt Didn't Deck Himself Out In An Orange Prison Jumpsuit.

We'd Give You A Lot More To Have Never Put That Awful Image In Our Heads.

Jody Isn't Just A Rabid Sailor Moon Fan--She's Actually Got Rabies.

Cosplay Isn't Just For Normals. Special Kids Like To Dress Up, Too.

Your Mothers Must Be Very Proud.

KILL IT! DO IT NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KILL THAT UNHOLY THING!

It Takes Creativity, Design Skill And A Sense Of Fun. Dignity Not Necessary.

Marry Us.

Miley Cyrus Somewhat Delusional About Future Career Prospects

23 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, Hollywood, Movies, Music, People, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

child stars, former child stars, Hannah Montana, Jodie Foster, Leonardo DiCaprio, Miley Cyrus, porno movies, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, Spongebob Squarepants, The View, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Miley Cyrus told the gals on The View that after her new record drops in June, fans shouldn’t expect to hear any more new music from the megastar any time soon.  Cyrus revealed her belief that she belongs on the big screen, clearly overestimating the voting-age public’s demand for her less-than-considerable abilities.     

There is a future for Ms. Cyrus in front of the camera, it just may not be what she’s envisioned.  She may not be ready for the Big Show, but might find a home in a niche industry, what might be labelled independent films in some circles.  In short, Cyrus harbors pie-eyed dreams about DVD grosses when she should be thinking about the hard realities of DVDA.         

Despite her deplorable dearth of talent, Cyrus has a better-than-average shot at consistent roles in clothing-optional films: the kind in which a visit from the pizza boy always leads to something exciting; where the words “water sports” are more than a little misleading.         

Miley Cyrus: Much More Likely To Someday Take Home Ron Jeremy Than An Oscar

Ms. Cyrus may be reluctant to arrive at this conclusion.  It’s very possible she feels that she has the requisite stuff to make the precarious transition from child stardom to adult roles, following in the footsteps such luminaries as Jodie Foster, Leonardo DiCaprio and Spongebob Squarepants.  Tragically, Ms. Cyrus lacks the fundamental traits which individually allowed Foster, DiCaprio and Squarepants to make the leap (respectively, these three traits are talent, talent and being an imaginary character who doesn’t age).         

Promethean Times wishes Ms. Cyrus the very best of luck in her future career, and eagerly anticipate seeing her full body of work in the no-doubt-forthcoming hotel spank film, Hannah Implanta: Red Carpet Burns.         

Boom-Boom-Chicka-Wah-Wah-Boom-Boom

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • The Red Danube
  • Mark Wahlberg Is Nothing Without The Funky Bunch. Nothing!
  • Commercials We Do Not Like: Messin' With Sasquatch
  • Step Dancing Is For Everybody?--Not So Fast, White Girls
  • Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said To Have Proved The Existence Of God
  • Vulgar Non-Sport Allows Loveless Grotesqueries To Masquerade As Athletes
  • Vulgar Non-Sport Gets Collegiate
  • Stupid People Too: Even More Stupider

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 6 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 6 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 6 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 6 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 6 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

July 2022
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031
« Oct    

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
tomsimard on Sadly, Anne Heche Still L…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Promethean Times
    • Join 509 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Promethean Times
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...